CrunchyCookie Reviews

Robotix (1990 Video)

Transformers For Dummies

[6/10 · 25 August 2008]

Tell me if this setup sounds familiar: an alien race of shape-changing robots -- the heroic Protectons and evil Terrakors -- locked in a battle for power. Hasbro's at the helm, Sunbow's doing the production, and Peter Cullen & Frank Welker are among the voice leads.

If you're thinking Transformers, you should. The artwork and script are giveaways; heck, half the music and 90% of the voices were lifted straight out of TF/GI Joe universe. To be sure, these elements are high-quality stuff, so Robotix does have quite a bit going for it. What it needed was a more compelling reason to exist. Every element on display feels like hand-me-downs from those series, whether we're talking the characters, the action, the dialogue, or the plot.

Still, it's perfectly watchable (not to mention nostalgic), and worth the time if you're an old-time Transformers/GI Joe fan and curious about the more obscure series in the Hasbro-Sunbow canon.

Here Comes Garfield (1982 TV Short)

Cute and sad

[8/10 · 24 June 2004]

As you may know, Garfield movies are animated frame-by-frame adaptations of the Garfield mini-books (the story specials, not the numbered books), with a few songs thrown in. Here Comes Garfield was the first movie, with nine more to follow.

OK, maybe it's just a cheesy 25-minute cartoon translation of a comic book, but I found it to be done remarkably well. I was embarrassingly moved by the tear-jerking "Goodbye My Friend" song that played around the time of Odie's impending execution. That was at age 7. Well, now that this just came out on the new "Garfield As Himself" DVD (which also contains the 2nd and 10th movies), I watched it last night at freaking 23, and damnit, I STILL almost cried. Then I felt like cheering when the "Together Again" reunion song got me all roused up during the big city pound breakout.

If you're a Garfield fan, prone to being moved by music, and have any problem admitting what a sensitive wuss you are, don't see this.

Colors (1988)

Lame and unengaging by today's standards

[3/10 · 3 June 2004]

Colors has surprisingly little to say. 90% of the film reel is spent on repetitive incidents (split between drive-by shootings and interrogations) interspersed with clichéd conflicts between Old Wise Cop and Young Smartass Cop. The gangsta dialogue (of what little dialogue there is) sounds like it came from Full House scriptwriters, and if the movie's supposed to shed some insight on why gangs are formed, it didn't.

This goes on for about two hours, only to have the most sitcom-like of possibilities happen during the last 7 minutes: Old Wise Cop gets fatally shot, after which Young Cop howls in rage (while camera zooms out skyward). Then Young Cop proves his worth as the rightful heir by repeating a profoundly clever joke Old Cop told to him earlier. Oh, the symbolism!

If you think I ruined a surprise, you have to watch more movies -- hopefully some that succeed in delivering action, drama, or social commentary. Because you sure won't find any of that in Colors.

The Hand That Rocks the Cradle (1992)

All filler, no thriller

[2/10 · 17 April 2004]

There's a reason there are almost no links/reviews to this movie: most critics don't bother with B-movies. Well, except for maybe B-critics, and the ones on here have applauded this cinematic crap with such enthusiasm that I feel the need to set the record straight.

Thriller my ass. NOTHING is scary; most of the film is spent watching Girl A be a bitch to Girl B, who's too dumb to figure out she's being had. The first 95 minutes feel like an unnecessary drag, mostly because of repetition. Every trick the sinister babysitter pulls on the family (most of which were borrowed from better movies) feels at the same level as the last one, giving a feeling of beating around the bush, and predictability.

The rate at which our hero catches on is artificially slow -- "gee, it sure is baffling how all my asthma sprays could suddenly be depleted simultaneously!" Nor are characters immune to the lack of realism. The child's lines and emotional responses are laughably fake, and by the way, this film isn't any less shy about black caricatures than it is about female nudity. There's not much reward to watching the final 15 minutes either, unless a catfight and cheap "BOO!" scares are your thing.

Skip this and go for another Fatal Attraction rental.

Vandread (2000–2001)

Deeply entertaining

[9/10 · 17 February 2004]

I thought this might be another kiddish shoot-em-up anime, and like others here, I also mistook it for a feminist series early on. Well, it ain't either.

Allow me to make a toast to a team of writers who actually seem to understand human emotions! Unlike too many soulless anime series these days, Vandread's actually funny (both the physical and written humor) and its characters have personalities and chemistry. For that reason, the drama works, too, and the series is thankfully free of those forced incidents engineered to conveniently create melodrama. Heck, even the dorky premise that the show rests on -- males and females literally being from different worlds -- is used to good effect.

I'm also a fan of the artwork, and the hot/cute female characters make the fanservice welcome. The mecha action scenes are pretty invigorating, too (even if things move a bit fast to see what's going on). Cinching the deal, both the intro and ending theme songs kick ass.

The second season ("Vandread 2nd Stage") was a bit of a disappointment, regressing to the typical repetitive clichéd humor that defines all too many anime comedies, but to me the first season ranks right up there with Neon Genesis Evangelion in sheer awesomeness.

Moldiver (1993)

First impressions are sometimes optimistic

[4/10 · 17 February 2004]

Like the last guy said, "it started out good." To finish that statement: after the clever first episode, it's a steep decline downhill. This is supposed to be some kind of action-romance-comedy hybrid, and in trying, strikes out with one swing.

Action? Every sound effect is muffled, every fight scene weak. It's not much fun watching Moldiver clean everyone's clock, partly because it's not done with much style and partly cuz there don't seem to be any laws of physics. Romance? Unconvincing -- she's just chasing some guy we've learned nothing about. Comedy? Didn't laugh once.

By the way, what was the plot?

Please Teacher! (2002)

Bad copy of a tired idea

[2/10 · 29 January 2004]

As a guy who watched all 24 episodes of Love Hina, all 48 episodes of Kimagure Orange Road, and all 96 episodes of Maison Ikkoku (plus some Tenchis) and liked them all, I feel qualified to rate this series as utter crap. Please Teacher takes the lamest and most overused aspects of those shows -- primitive accident-based humor (i.e. tripping and falling on a girl), pointless plot devices, forced drama, slow story development -- and throws it on top of weak characters that give little reason to care.

Main guy Kei is the exact copy of Love Hina's Keitaro in both appearance and attitude (and name), and Mizuho (the teacher) embodies every clichéd frail female anime stereotype. Scenes meant to make us think of love, laughter, jealousy, etc., all miss the mark and fall flat, and even accounting for what might be lost in translation, the writing is pitiful. All of which make this the only anime series that clocks in at a tidy 13 episodes that I didn't have the willpower to finish.

Don't be seduced by the high-quality cover art or the clever website preview. Instead, redirect your rental/purchase money into one of the classics I mentioned.

Maison Ikkoku (1986–1988)

The basis for all anime romance

[8/10 · 24 December 2003]

It came before Please Teacher, before Love Hina, even before Kimagure Orange Road. I might be too young to say for sure, but I'll bet this is the series that started the whole romantic comedy movement. It's also one of the few with a mature enough storyline to keep post-teenagers interested.

Yeah, it's the same plot that exists in every anime of the type: boy meets girl, boy and girl deny their feelings for the entire series (but hook up every few episodes), boy and girl finally get together in the end. As a consequence, the plot moves a bit slowly and is a bit too one-track-minded; more fun plot diversions would have been welcome. Still, it's a pretty funny series, and the characters are colorful enough to care about for 96 straight episodes. If you're into Rumiko Takahashi's stuff, Maison Ikkoku's probably the best place to start.

The Tuxedo (2002)

Pretty entertaining, in an Americanized sort of way

[6/10 · 27 September 2002]

If you were expecting the typical Jackie Chan formula, look elsewhere. This is more of the ordinary action flick that Hollywood cranks out by the reel, which isn't necessarily a negative, but Jackie seems sort of miscast here.

The main problem is that this film dedicates too much time developing the mindless plot, and too little time to the action Jackie's famous for. Still, he does get a good high energy fight scene or two. Also, the jokes are semi-funny, and there's even a little chemistry with Jennifer Love Hewitt since Jackie's character sort of has a personality in this film (shy guy).

But I can't help hope that films like The Tuxedo (or the even worse Shanghai Noon) don't become Jackie's new line of work. We need another Rumble In The Bronx.