moviejay-2 Reviews

Tale of the Mummy (1998)

Not to be confused with an actual movie.

[2 October 2000]

"Tale of the Mummy" is one wickedly bad movie. It starts off okay, with the always impressive Christopher Lee, but then it just tails off a bit, wanders around lost for a while and just goes to pot from there. It's poorly conceived and written, so poorly that I was wondering if the screenplay was written by someone who had never heard English, let alone spoke it. The incredible thing about this mess is that it actually got released, usually when a company makes a movie this bad they hide it on the shelf for a few years and then melt it down to make ash trays. I suppose that they figured that some idiot (Like me) would watch it because it has a Mummy in the title. He's not actually a mummy, per se, he's more of a bandage delivery system. I saw the box, read the title, it was a rent one, get one free situation, and I thought to myself, "How bad can it be?" Well, that question was answered alright, and I will never subject myself to this kind of deep, deep pain again. If you do watch this film and it does cause you to feel great discomfort in your head, don't worry, it's just your brain leaving in disgust.

Alucarda (1977)

The best Mexican Vampire Movie without a Masked Wrestler in it.

[8/10 · 2 October 2000]

"Alucarda" is one of the most entertaining movies I have ever seen. The script is awful and the photography leaves much to be desired, often the location scenes are overlit, as though the camera operator left the F-stop set from the last scene. The acting ranges from good (Alucarda & Justine) to horrible (The Doctor, The Priest) but the material is attacked with such enthusiasm, such relish, that the viewer can't help but enjoy. And there are touches of genius...Rain that turns to blood during a ritual to call up Satan, a Nun who levitates and sweats blood while she's praying for the soul of the lost Justine...Said Justine floating nude in a coffin full of blood! Just beautiful! An incredible experience! If you purchase just one Mexican Vampire movie this year, make it "Alucarda"!

Count Dracula (1970)

Copolla should have watched this before making his

[8/10 · 25 September 2000]

With "El Conde Dracula" Jess Franco has made an extrordinary Vampire film. While not with out it's faults, the mangling of the plot and the compressing of some characters into each other, the film is saved by wonderful atmosphere and top notch acting- most notably from Christopher Lee as the titular Count, Klaus Kinski as the Mad Renfeild and Herbert Lom as Van Helsing. Lom, at first, appears to be walking through his role, but as the movie progresses, his Van Helsing becomes so subtly shaded as to rival Dracula for the viewers attention. A fine film that would have benifited from a larger budget (Note the German Shepherds which stand in for wolves!), "El Conde Dracula" can be enjoyed by the vampire novice as well as the enthusiast. This is the first major Dracula film to depict the Counts "Lizard Crawl" down the Castle Wall and the wolf attack on the grieving mother. Highly recommended.

Carmilla (1999)

Carmilla.

[1/10 · 2 September 2000]

This abysmal 1999 effort should not be confused with the 1999 Carmilla starring Maria Pechukas as the title character. This film is actually titled "The Vampire Carmilla" and is just another gothic Vampire Soap Opera that owes more to Dark Shadows than J. Sheridan La Fanu. The plot, and I call it that in the loosest sense of the word since it's merely a rehash of poorly conceived soap opera themes, concerns a young woman's search for her missing sister and the vampire/lesbian affair that develops from that search, and, in flashback, the sisters affair with the titular vampiress. Do yourself a favor and avoid this mess. Opt for CARMILLA (1999) starring Maria Pechukas, Heather Warr, Andy Gorky (a girl) and H.Z. Boteler, produced by Evil Clown Productions and available from Draculina Cine`. You won't be sorry.

Santa Claws (1996)

Jack Russo should know better.

[1/10 · 2 September 2000]

"Santa Claws" is a horrible movie in just about every sense of the word. It's so bad one can't even laugh at the terrible dialogue, script, plot or acting. Director John Russo, famouse as the co-writer of "Night of the Living Dead" and Writer/Director of the emmensely entertaining and suspenseful "Midnight" has cobbled together a sad and poorly conceived story as an excuse to see silocone enhanced bimbos dance (Poorly) to generic stripper music. Not even the presense of the lovely and always entertaining Debbie Rochon, a major hottie if evver there was one, can save this dog from the pound. "Santa Claws" was obviously a promotional device for the even lower budget and less entertaining "Scream Queens Nude Christmas" (Although Christine Calveliere and Debbie Rochon in all their naked glory, even if they do look terribly embarrassed and annoyed do raise that video by a half point!)

Night of the Cat (1993)

A sexy feline romp

[6/10 · 31 August 2000]

I have to confess, I've seen this move over a thousand times. That's because, I have to confess some more, I made it. And, after seeing it so much, I can honestly say, it still doesn't bore me. If I did it again, I'd use fewer shots of the moon, but Jennifer Worthington (No relation to Producer Lori) is one of the hottest women on the face of the planet, and she looks great body painted as a naked cat/killer, and Colleen Van Ryn (Directly related to Rembrandt Van Rjn) is perhaps the sexiest redheaded elf-chick in the history of lust. The plot, what little there is of it, concerns a mostly naked girl who transforms into a ravenous she-cat (Body painted-did I mention naked? Completely?) for a few nights every month (Sound familiar?). This time she's stalking her lovely, naked most of the time, roommate. The twist ending is not so surprising as hoped for, what with two, count 'em, two lovely kittens rolling around on the floor. See this movie, alone or with your hand, but see it!

A Taste for Women (1964)

a kinky, dark cannibal comedy

[5/10 · 31 August 2000]

In Aimez-vous les Femmes, writer Polanski has crafted a sexy/kinky dark cannibal comedy. It bogs down sometimes and threatens to become a police procedural, but the presense of the lovely Sophie Daumier more than makes up for the slow parts. The B&W cinematography is wonderful, retaining a noirish edge w/o detracting for the comedy and the kink