Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)
Dawn of the Commercials (2013)
Malcolm Ray: Commercial Announcer - voice, Reggie, Winkie Guard, Office Worker #2, Satan
Quotes
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[the Critic appears as having a younger sister, both appearing in a parody of a "Milk, It Does a Body Good" commercial; every time she takes a sip of milk, she grows somewhat older]
Little Sister : [growing older as she drinks her milk:] You may think I'm a shrimp now, big brother, but I'm drinking milk! Which means I'll grow long hair, beautiful skin, and become totally self-absorbed, meaning I won't even think for myself, and instead marry a wealthy millionaire who only wants me for my body.
[after taking another sip, she now holds a comb]
Little Sister : And then I'll feel this emptiness inside that only the miracle of cocaine can cure.
[holds the comb to her nose and takes a snort; becomes derelict]
Little Sister : If that's not enough, I'll turn to heroin for an even greater high!
[now looks and speaks all deranged]
Little Sister : And then I won't know what's real anymore and I'll wonder where my life went wrong!
[tosses a rope around her neck]
Little Sister : And then I'll be so jacked up on highballs that I'll try to kill myself in my main closet!
[suddenly sobers up]
Little Sister : But then I'll discover rehab and realize it was all part of God's plan.
[suddenly becomes derelict and deranged again]
Little Sister : But then, I'll relapse and fall right down the slippery slope again!
[grabs the Critic's shoulders and shakes him]
Little Sister : OH JESUS, BROTHER, HELP ME!
[suddenly becomes a bum, wearing a coat and holding a glass of milk]
Little Sister : And then I'll die cold and alone with my only friend, the glass of milk that started it all.
[the Critic looks around nervously and runs off]
Commercial Announcer : Milk. What the fuck?
[Chester A. Bum walks up]
Chester A. Bum : Hey!
[he kicks her]
Chester A. Bum : This is my spot!
[she hisses at him; he runs off scared]
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[Reggie is watching an "I don't want to grow up" Toys "R" Us commercial]
Reggie's Mom : Reggie!
Reggie : Aw, go away, Mom!
Reggie's Mom : Reggie, when are you gonna get a job?
Reggie : I told you, Mom, I'm a Toys "R" Us kid!
Reggie's Mom : You keep saying that! What does that mean?
Reggie : You couldn't possibly understand, Mom!
Reggie's Mom : I'm never gonna have any grandchildren!
Reggie : They just complicate the plan, Mom! The Toys "R" Us plan!
Reggie's Mom : I'm going to watch old home movies of you and see where I went wrong!
Reggie : Toys "R" Us kid, Mom! Toys "R" Us kid!
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[Doug and Malcolm are dressed as office workers, standing around a water cooler]
Doug : You know, a hard day's work doesn't call for water out of the cooler.
Malcolm : What do you got there?
Doug : I got me a nice bottle of Mountain Water. Cool, refreshing, big on taste, but also big on satisfaction. And what do you got there?
Malcolm : I got pancreatic cancer.
[Doug looks disgusted; the following message is shown: "45,220 people get pancreatic cancer a year. This message brought to you by the National BUZZKILL Institution of Canada."]
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Nostalgia Critic : [the Kix cereal's tagline is: "Kid Tested, Mother Approved"] Uh... yeah, let's say it like it really is, people.
Commercial Announcer : Kix: Kids Tolerate It, Mother Has Coupons.
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Wicked Witch of the West : Dorothy has escaped the castle! Spread out! Find her! FIND HER!
[points to one Winkie]
Wicked Witch of the West : Except for you. You come here.
Winkie Guard : [approaching her] Yes, milady?
Wicked Witch of the West : It's been a long day, hasn't it, Oh-ee-oh henchman #5?
Winkie Guard : Yes, milady.
Wicked Witch of the West : And you'd do anything for me, wouldn't you?
Winkie Guard : Yes, milady. Unless someone half your age were to kill you, in which case I would swear allegiance to her blindly.
Wicked Witch of the West : Okay... What do you say I ride your broomstick for a while?
Winkie Guard : What do you mean?
Wicked Witch of the West : Fill my pointy hat.
Winkie Guard : Don't follow.
Wicked Witch of the West : POP my ruby slipper!
Winkie Guard : Totally lost.
Wicked Witch of the West : Jesus! Do I have to spell it out for you? I want to have sex with you!
Winkie Guard : Oh!... Still don't get it.
Wicked Witch of the West : ...I don't have any other words to say. Not one part of that sentence could be interpreted in any other way.
Winkie Guard : Oh, I think I see what you're saying.
Wicked Witch of the West : Good.
Winkie Guard : You want me and Henchwoman #12 to hook up? Well, don't worry, my lady. I'm still working on it.
[calling offscreen]
Winkie Guard : Hello, Henchwoman #12.
Henchwoman #12 : [calling back] Still not into you, creep!
Winkie Guard : She's so into me.
Wicked Witch of the West : Oh, forget it. You're fired! I'm gonna go hit on a flying monkey.
[leaves]
Winkie Guard : I need a better union.
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Nostalgia Critic : [re: Chef Boyardee pastas] Now, of course, making famous characters into edible shapes is nothing new. There was Pac-Man, Smurfs... Hell, even tic-tac-toe got a pasta.
Chef Boyardee announcer : [singing] Wherever I go, it's Xs and Os. / Makes me feel so hungry for my tic-tac-toes.
Nostalgia Critic : What some people forget is that for the longest time, they tried to make a game out of eating their products. Yeah, listen.
Chef Boyardee announcer : And when you get three Xs or Os on your spoon, you win! / First one to capture all three dinosaur shapes wins!
Nostalgia Critic : Why must you turn dinnertime into a competitive sport? Wouldn't the more appropriate rules be...
Commercial Announcer : Hey kids! If you can eat the elbow macaroni and ketchup we're calling pasta without vomiting it up through your ears, nose, or mouth, you win!