It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (TV Series)

The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis (2009)

Charlie Day: Charlie Kelly

Quotes 

• The Attorney : This family behind me has 90 days to vacate. Until then, you can't touch them.

  [Frank starts yelling] 

  Charlie Kelly : Let me handle this, Frank. It's not bullbird. He's making a few good points.

  [turns to lawyer] 

  Charlie Kelly : Look, buddy. I know a lot about the law and various other lawyerings. I'm well educated. Well versed. I know that situations like this- real estate wise- they're very complex.

  The Attorney : Actually, they're pretty simple. The forms are all standard boiler plate.

  Charlie Kelly : Okay. Well, we're all hungry. We're gonna get to our hotplates soon enough, alright? Let's talk about the contract here.

  The Attorney : I'm sorry, I forgot. Where did you go to law school again?

  Charlie Kelly : I could ask you the very same question...

  The Attorney : [interrupting]  I went to Harvard.

  Charlie Kelly : [incoherent mumbling] 

  The Attorney : What?

  Charlie Kelly : I'm pleading the 5th, sir.

  The Attorney : I wouldn't advise you do that.

  Charlie Kelly : And I'll take that advise under cooperation, alright? Now, let's say you and I go toe-to-toe on bird law and see who comes out the victor?

  The Attorney : You know, I don't think I'm going to do anything close to that and I can clearly see you know nothing about the law. Seems like you have a tenuous grasp on the English language in general.

  Charlie Kelly : [more mumbling]  ... Filibuster...

  The Attorney : Do you know what that word means?

  Charlie Kelly : [after a long, stammering pause, Charlie screams and crashes through what's left of the door] 

• Charlie Kelly : I knew that guy was full of shit! I knew it!

  Dennis Reynolds : What guy?

  Charlie Kelly : That lawyer guy, okay? He totally besmirched me today, and I demand satisfaction from him.

  Mac : You want him to bang you?

  Charlie Kelly : Uh. No, Mac. Be serious, okay? He slandered me in front of a jury of my own peers, all right? Look what they used to do when that sort of thing happened.

  [shows the gang a history book] 

  Charlie Kelly : Take a look at this picture. What do you see?

  Mac : I see two trannies shooting at each other.

  Charlie Kelly : No, dude. They're dueling, okay? These are lawyers settling an argument by dueling it out.

  Dennis Reynolds : Now, how do you know that the two trannies are lawyers?

  Charlie Kelly : [slams book]  'Cause it's an old book, okay? I don't have to explain everything to you about what I know! I'm trying to... get satisfied... from this dude... and you're trying to... I'm getting satisfied. I don't care.

• Dennis Reynolds : Look, okay. Absolutely, we could cave the husband's skull in here. Yes, we could take the wife down to the basement, have a frenzied free-for-all with her. We could tie the little kids up in their little rooms upstairs so they wouldn't hear any of it.

  Mac : Dennis, in that scenario, we'd have to kill the kids 'cause they've would've seen our faces.

  Dennis Reynolds : Right, we could smear the walls with their blood. Guys, there are any number of twisted scenarios that could play out here. But I think the easiest thing, really, is to just go get the deed.

  Charlie Kelly : Right. Why get weird?