Family Guy (TV Series)

Not All Dogs Go to Heaven (2009)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Tom Tucker, Dr. Elmer Hartman, Jack Daniels

Photos 

Quotes 

• Stewie Griffin : This was exhausting. This whole experience was absolutely exhausting. You people have ruined "Star Trek: The Next Generation" for me. You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking die.

  Patrick Stewart : I still have five prize tickets from the carnival.

  Stewie Griffin : There was nothing for five tickets! We've been over this!

  Patrick Stewart : Well, but LeVar and I were going to pool ours for the fuzzy troll pencil topper.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, yeah? You gonna share that?

  LeVar Burton : Yeah, we were gonna share it.

  Stewie Griffin : Really? How's that going to work?

  Patrick Stewart : Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays.

  Stewie Griffin : For a pencil topper?

  Michael Dorn : I have to pee again.

  Stewie Griffin : That's it. Good-bye.

  [teleports them away] 

  Stewie Griffin : [Brent's drink doesn't teleport and stains the floor]  Fuck!

• Stewie Griffin : Now, Question #1: what's it like on the set?

  Marina Sirtis : The show's been off the air for fifteen years.

  Michael Dorn : Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun - you know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight.

  Patrick Stewart : Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later, you've still got that attitude!

• Stewie Griffin : Picard has it all over Kirk. He's poised and measured. And doesn't wear a cheap rug. Rather, he accepts even baldness with a quiet cool that says, "I am in command. You are safe with me. I will cradle you in my arms through any crisis in any galaxy."

  Brian Griffin : Are you queer?

  Stewie Griffin : Probably.

• Brian Griffin : [to Meg]  If there was a God would He give you a smokin' hot mom like Lois and then have you grow up looking like Peter?

• Stewie Griffin : Uh, hello?

  Employee : Yes, welcome to McDonald's can I help you?

  Stewie Griffin : Ah, hailing frequencies open huh? Ah, yeah we're gonna get uh two McChicken sandwiches and a Diet coke and... what do you want Michael?

  Michael Dorn : A McDLT?

  Stewie Griffin : No, I already told you they don't make those anymore.

  Michael Dorn : You know, sometimes it's a regional thing. You could ask.

  Stewie Griffin : No McDonald's anywhere makes a McDLT anymore.

  Jonathan Frakes : I want a Shamrock Shake if they've got any of those.

  Stewie Griffin : It's September Jonathan!

  LeVar Burton : Stewie, can I take this goddamn' headband off?

  Stewie Griffin : No, LeVar you're blind. That's the only way you can see!

  Michael Dorn : I'm just saying they have *all* the ingredients for a McDL...

  [someone honks their horn] 

  Stewie Griffin : Just hang on alright? There's a lot of us. There's a lot... It's a big order!

  Patrick Stewart : What time do they stop serving breakfast?

  Stewie Griffin : It's three o'clock!

  Patrick Stewart : Some of them serve breakfast all day.

  Stewie Griffin : None of them serve breakfast all day!

• Brian Griffin : [after his car comes crashing through the window]  I thought only he without sin could cast the first Prius.

  Peter Griffin : Ha!

• Brian Griffin : Ah, the Annual Quahog Science Fiction Festival. Where Science Fiction Fans take their mouths off the barrel of a loaded shotgun and spend the day adjusting their eyes to sunlight.

• Marina Sirtis : Stewie, I'm not really much of a fast-food eater.

  Stewie Griffin : Yeah? Can you read my mind? Can you tell what I'm thinking right now? I'm thinking shut up and get a salad!

  Brent Spiner : I want some McNuggets!

  Stewie Griffin : We'll get to you Brent.

  Wil Wheaton : I want a hamburger. No, I want a cheeseburger, I want a hot dog, I want a milkshake!

  Patrick Stewart : [backhands Wil Wheaton]  You'll get nothing and like it!

• Peter Griffin : Erm, in the episode where you drown your wife, why are you so fat?

• Brian Griffin : Oh, my God, that was a close one.

  Lois Griffin : Brian, what happened?

  Brian Griffin : I'm a pariah, Lois. Ever since Meg told everyone I'm an atheist, I'm the most hated person in town. I tried to rent a movie and they threw me out. I tried to buy a pack of cigarettes and they threw me out. But the most serious part of it is, no bar would serve me a drink.

  Lois Griffin : Well, if you ask me, I think laying off the sauce could do you some good, Brian.

  Brian Griffin : Yeah, right. If you need me, I'll be in the kitchen.

  Lois Griffin : Oh, I hope he finds faith of some kind.

  Peter Griffin : You know who doesn't have all these problems? Marmaduke. All he does is eat pies off the high counter. Next time around, we're gonna get ourselves a big tall pie-eating dog, Lois.

  Lois Griffin : Okay, Peter.

  Peter Griffin : Or Howard Huge. Let's get Howard Huge. Great, we have a game plan.

• Peter Griffin : Meg, what the hell? I was watching that!

  Meg Griffin : It's time for Kirk Cameron. And I think it's important for all of you to hear his inspiring message about the Word of God.

  Lois Griffin : [groans]  Oh, again, Meg? You know, I think it's wonderful you found something to have faith in, but there's such a thing as moderation.

  Meg Griffin : Ugh, Mom! You sound like a nonbeliever! Brian, you're a thoughtful person-- are you willing to open yourself up to God's truth?

  Brian Griffin : Oh, you're barking up the wrong tree, Meg-- I'm an atheist.

  Peter Griffin : What's that?

  Brian Griffin : I... don't believe in God.

  Lois Griffin : What? Brian, how can you say that?

  Brian Griffin : Why, I just thought you knew. I mean, I never go to church-- you know how I feel about that.

  Lois Griffin : No, Brian, it's one thing to bash organized religion, but we believe in God in this house. I mean, an atheist? That's just about the worst thing a person can be.

  Chris Griffin : You're not gonna get anything for Christmas, Brian!

  Brian Griffin : Guys, I'm just trying to say...

  Peter Griffin : Shut up, beast! I have dominion over you, and I command you to believe in God!

  Brian Griffin : I'm sorry, I just don't see any evidence. I mean, look at the Hubble Telescope. It's discovered untold wonders of a vast, unexplored universe, but not one picture of a guy with a beard sitting around on a cloud. I mean, what's he doing up there?

• Tom Tucker : Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story tonight, just when you thought the world couldn't be any more dangerous, Channel Five News has discovered that there is an atheist among us.

  Diane Simmons : Local churchgoer and Junior Christian Soldier Meg Griffin has identified the atheist as Brian Griffin of Spooner Street. Here's the reaction from City Hall.

  Mayor Adam West : Shocking, to say the least. I'd rather have a terrorist living in our midst. At least they believe in a god. Even if it's a smelly, brown god.