Mike Horner: Mr. Sperm

Quotes 

• Dr. Sperm : The men from the planet Horny must have their prostate examined monthly due to the long periods of time in which we must go between sexual gratifications.

  Nurse Chapstick : I think it's romantic that the men from Horny save themselves for the right woman.

  [sigh] 

  Dr. Sperm : It takes a great deal of discipline, Nurse. You see there's a tendency for our sperm to... back up. So every month I must go to Dr. McJoy and have him massage and excrete excess sperm from my glands...

  Bones McJoy : Sperm, you pointed-earred green sperm freak! We're eight minutes into this video and we don't even have a sex scene yet. I've got a naked babe on my table with her feet in the stirrups, and you're talking about me massaging your prostate gland. You know, you're killing me!

• Capt. James T. Quirk : Mr. Sperm, Mayor Headcheese said something about *evil* being among us, could it be that John T. Bone is directing this episode?

  Dr. Sperm : No, Captain, but my long distance, deep space sensors do indicate that Deep Space Station 69 has been exploded into a ball of fire, rather like my anus was that time you treated me to Mexican food.

  Capt. James T. Quirk : How, Sperm, how? How could it have happened?

  Dr. Sperm : I think that spicy Latino food does not agree with my half-Horny system.

  Capt. James T. Quirk : No, Sperm, I'm talking about the space station.

  Charly : It wasn't built very well. Just like your ship, cheap paint, thin plywood, used nails. You guys don't get much of a budget for these things, do you?

• Capt. James T. Quirk : Mr. Sperm, she knows something we don't know.

  Dr. Sperm : Perhaps she's read ahead in the script, Captain.

• Crewman Bubbles : Alright, it's true. I had sex in the transporter, but how did you know?

  Dr. Sperm : The transporter beam was set on both long-range as well as short-range, which means that you and the captain managed to materialize on the bridge as well as every room on this ship.

  Bones McJoy : As well as every dirty movie channel available on satellite TV. We all witnessed your carnal act, Crewman.

  Crewman Bubbles : Oh. Well how was it?

  Bones McJoy : I'm a doctor, dammit, not a porn critic.

• Dr. Sperm : [examining Quirk in sickbay]  It appears that the entity has left his body, Doctor. Fascinating. He no longer has breasts and... and his penis appears to be returning.

  Bones McJoy : And making as much forward progress as a commuter on the 101 freeway during rush hour. I need a stimulant. Nurse, get me those blue pills that I've been keeping for emergencies.

  Dr. Sperm : Blue pills, Doctor? Emergencies?

  Bones McJoy : Spermy, we've been doing these Sex Trek parodies for the last fifteen years. Considering the average age of every male cast member, I'd say this is an emergency.

• [last lines] 

  Bones McJoy : But Jim, how did you know the entity would flee the computers by trying to solve the equation of Pi?

  Capt. James T. Quirk : Because the entity was a woman, Boner.

  Dr. Sperm : Yes, Captain, and as a woman she knew how to bake a pie, but not how to solve it.

  [everybody laughs]