The Beiderbecke Affair (TV Mini Series)
We Are on the Brink of a New Era, If Only... (1985)
James Bolam: Trevor Chaplin
Quotes
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Jill Swinburne : [Surveying her ransacked house following somebody's attempt to find the corruption evidence she has garnered] Oh, hang spring-cleaning!
Trevor Chaplin : Spring-cleaning?
Jill Swinburne : Don't you remember?
Trevor Chaplin : I've never done any spring-cleaning. Being a male chauvinist, I've always had women to do those sort of things for me...
Jill Swinburne : I don't mean that.
Trevor Chaplin : [Ignoring her] ... it's all part of my craggy northern working-class background.
Jill Swinburne : I'm talking about 'The Wind in the Willows'.
Trevor Chaplin : [Teasing] Don't tell me - it's a book?
Jill Swinburne : Ratty and Mole are supposed to be spring-cleaning but instead they say 'Hang spring-cleaning!' and they go off and mess about with boats on the river.
Trevor Chaplin : Is that what you fancy?
Jill Swinburne : Sort of, yes.
Trevor Chaplin : Well we could take to the hills.
Jill Swinburne : The hills?
Trevor Chaplin : Well we don't have a boat but we've got some hills.
Jill Swinburne : [Surprisingly ignorant of local geography] Where?
Trevor Chaplin : We've got a whole shooting match of hills... and dales and valleys!
Jill Swinburne : [Deciding] Hills, dales and valleys? Hills!
Trevor Chaplin : We'll go tomorrow!
Jill Swinburne : We're at school tomorrow!
Trevor Chaplin : Oh, we'll have sickness and diarrhoea. We'll telephone Mr. Carter with some excuse to pass on to the headmaster that's so bizarre, he's bound to believe it!
Jill Swinburne : A plague of locusts down the street!
Trevor Chaplin : A summons to the Palace!
Jill Swinburne : [Referring to the ransacking] The house has been struck by a thunderbolt... which happens to be true.
Trevor Chaplin : [Moving to the window] We'll think of something and say 'Hang spring-cleaning'!
Jill Swinburne : [Sidling up to Trevor, looking tenderly into his eyes] Thank you.
Trevor Chaplin : Thank *you*!
Jill Swinburne : For what?
Trevor Chaplin : True love means never having to explain what you're saying 'thank you' for.
Trevor Chaplin : [Embarrassed as Jill moves in close, clearly intending to invoke an intimate moment] Have you ever noticed how spiders always get trapped in your double-glazing?
Jill Swinburne : Have you ever noticed your amazing capacity to spoil everything?
Trevor Chaplin : Yes - it's famous over six counties!
Jill Swinburne : Cue romantic music!
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Trevor Chaplin : [Outside Jill's house, testing the Tannoy with his microphone] My friends, vote for Jill Swinburne! A vote for Swinburne is a vote for freedom! What's more, she's terrific in bed!
Jill Swinburne : [Grabbing the microphone, not realising it is still switched on] Give me that, you stupid pillock!
Trevor Chaplin : [Sarcastically] Shhh! The neighbours might hear!
Jill Swinburne : [Realising] How do you switch it off?
Trevor Chaplin : You switch the switch marked 'SWITCH'!
Jill Swinburne : [Switching the microphone off] You've probably lost me the election!
Trevor Chaplin : I might have WON you the election!
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Jill Swinburne : I'm suddenly haunted by a terrible fear: supposing I'm elected!
Trevor Chaplin : Get away, you've got no chance!
Jill Swinburne : [Sarcastically] Oh, thank you!
Trevor Chaplin : Big Al says the high street bookies are offering 200-to-1 against.
Jill Swinburne : Two hundred to one!
Trevor Chaplin : Yep... so I put a quid on!
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Jill Swinburne : As a candidate, I'm strictly forbidden to ask how you cast your vote.
Mr Carter : Secret ballot, Mrs. Swinburne!
Jill Swinburne : Of course.
Trevor Chaplin : But how did you vote?
Mr Carter : Well there are four candidates: complacent Conservative, lachrymose Labourite and an alarming Alliance man, plus yourself. I voted for the one that fills my waking hours with erotic fantasies!
Jill Swinburne : [Appreciative laughter] There can be no better reason!
Trevor Chaplin : [Feigning ignorance] But who did you vote for?
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Trevor Chaplin : [as he and Jill leave her house to attend the election results] We should have left a note on the door saying that we're 'out for the count'!
Trevor Chaplin : [Switches on Tannoy and microphone to broadcast to the neighbours] We are out for the count!
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Big Al : [Waiting for the election result] There are three possibilities: win, lose or draw.
Trevor Chaplin : [Slightly patronizing, anticipating that Jill will not be victorious] But to us, you'll always be the winner!
Jill Swinburne : [Unappreciative of Trevor's so-called encouragement] Bollocks!
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Jill Swinburne : [She and Trevor have been celebrating their success in exposing council corruption] Silly thing is that we got together because my marriage broke up and I needed a lift to school.
Trevor Chaplin : I remember.
Jill Swinburne : I didn't really understand why it gradually became important. Now I understand why.
Trevor Chaplin : I keep thinking what I should say is... 'Will you marry me?'
Jill Swinburne : [Warning] You're not going to say that, are you?
Trevor Chaplin : [Gets the hint and rapidly changes his mind] No!
Jill Swinburne : Good!
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Jill Swinburne , Trevor Chaplin : [Last lines, driving off into the sunset] We're on the brink of a new era, if only...