Family Guy (TV Series)

Peter's Two Dads (2007)

Mila Kunis: Meg Griffin

Quotes 

• Lois Griffin : So, Meg, your birthday's coming up, huh? You excited about turningggggg... eh?

  Peter Griffin : Uh, Meg, uh, I got sixteen candles for your birthday cake. How does that sound?

  Meg Griffin : That's not right.

  Peter Griffin : So, less... more... too many... uh, not enough...?

  Meg Griffin : You stupid son of a bitch! You don't even know how old I am!

  Lois Griffin : Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age... or is it?

  Meg Griffin : I'm gonna be seventeen, you jerks!

  [leaves] 

  Peter Griffin : She's the jerk.

• Meg Griffin : I can't believe Grandpa's dead.

  Lois Griffin : Well, he did kinda treat us like crap, but yes, it is a tragedy.

  Brian Griffin : It is a tragedy.

  Lois Griffin : Excuse us.

  Brian Griffin : Yeah, we'll be right back.

  [Lois and Brian go out on the lawn where they jump for joy. They high-five each other, then Brian grabs Lois' breasts and wags his tail. Lois smacks him into the garbage cans, then they go back inside] 

  Lois Griffin : We're all gonna miss him.

  Brian Griffin : Tragic.

• Meg Griffin : Mom, this party sucks! I mean, balloons? Pin the Tail on the Donkey? I'm not five years old.

  Lois Griffin : Meg, your father worked very hard to put this party together. And he says he's got a big surprise for you.

  Peter Griffin : [entering in clown makeup]  Hey, kids, I'm Peepants, the inebriated hobo clown. I'm an adorable tramp who wears found clothing and eats out of your garbage can.

  Meg Griffin : [indignantly]  A clown? Dad, I'm 17!

  Peter Griffin : Meg, guess what Peepants got you for your birthday. A scarf.

  Meg Griffin : I don't want a scarf, dad.

  Peter Griffin : Well, then, how about... a dozen scarves?

  [humming circus music, he pulls tied scarves out of his mouth, then begins gagging and coughing] 

  Lois Griffin : Peter, I don't think you're actually supposed to swallow those.

  Peter Griffin : [finishing and coughing up vomit]  Here you go, Meg.

  Meg Griffin : I don't want them!

  Peter Griffin : TAKE 'EM! Hey, are my longjohns tied to the end of those?

  Meg Griffin : No.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, god.

  [retching up his longjohns and holding his stomach in pain] 

  Peter Griffin : Ow! Ow! Ow!

• Peter Griffin : All right, this is gonna blow you aw...

  [falling down the stairs, he lands on top of Francis] 

  Chris Griffin : Grandpa!

  Meg Griffin : Oh, my god! Is he breathing?

  Lois Griffin : Somebody call an ambulance!

  Peter Griffin : Uh, Lois, maybe you better call two ambulances.

  [he turns around, revealing his unicycle wedged up his butt] 

• Meg Griffin : Mom, can I just open my presents now?

  Lois Griffin : All right, Meg.

  Meg Griffin : Thank you.

  [hearing paper ripping] 

  Meg Griffin : What the...?

  Stewie Griffin : [opening her presents]  Well, let's see what else we've got here. The first season of "Sister, Sister" on DVD?

  Cleveland Brown : You're welcome!

  Lois Griffin : Stewie, what are you doing? You-You can't open Meg's gifts!

  Stewie Griffin : Hey! These are mine, you hear me? Mine!

  Lois Griffin : Oh, god, not the "mine" phase. Oh, I've been dreading this day.

  Stewie Griffin : I'm entitled to these things, Lois. Especially after I got shafted by that Asian Santa at the mall.