Mystery Science Theater 3000 (TV Series)

The Painted Hills (1993)

Joel Hodgson: Joel Robinson

Quotes 

• Joel Robinson : Well, looks like the montage finally blew over.

• Narrator : And so the end to a perfect day:

  Joel Robinson : An entire day spent grooming.

• Narrator : The love of a dog... for one man.

  Joel Robinson : It won't work.

• Joel Robinson : First thing I'm gonna do is buy me a montage!

• Joel Robinson : It's a deadly game of cat and mouse except... with a... dog... and a man.

• Narrator : Many girls find this helpful in removing cosmetics

  Joel Robinson : Many are just plain wrong.

• Pete : The Lord be with you in all your labors.

  Crow T. Robot , Tom Servo , Joel Robinson : And also with you.

• [Taylor is trying to kill Jonathan by having him fall to his death by stepping on a loose rock; but at first it doesn't seem to work] 

  Joel Robinson : Oh, I forgot to take into account he only weighs 63 pounds!

• [Taylor is trying to prevent Shep from finding Jonathan's dead body] 

  Lin Taylor : HERE, SHEP! COME HERE!

  [beat] 

  Lin Taylor : What's the matter with you?

  [Lassie as Shep looks off-screen] 

  Joel Robinson : [as Lassie]  Uh, Mr. Weatherwax? What's wrong with me?

  [beat] 

  Joel Robinson : Don't know.

• [Taylor is rushing around in the snowy wilderness] 

  Joel Robinson : [as Taylor]  I hit absolute zero and I'm still walking around! How'd I do that?

• [as Taylor gets a murderous look in his eyes right before he pushes Jonathan off a cliff] 

  Joel Robinson : Obsession!

• [Taylor and Jonathan make their way up the mountain where Taylor plans to kill him] 

  Crow T. Robot : [as Taylor]  Come on, how stupid are you feelin' today?

  Joel Robinson : Wow, he's really making him work for his death!

• [as a poisoned Shep wallows in pain] 

  Joel Robinson : Come on, crawl! You've never given up on anything in your life! Crawl!

• Lin Taylor : Jonathan is dead, son.

  Joel Robinson : And I helped.

  Lin Taylor : He was working up in the canyon and he fell.

  Crow T. Robot : After I pushed him.

  Lin Taylor : It was an accident.

  Tom Servo : Shep told me to kill him.

  Lin Taylor : Two days ago, I found his body.

  Joel Robinson : And I laughed.

  Tommy : Shep?

  Tom Servo : Shep doesn't like you anymore, Tommy. She told me.

• Lin Taylor : Tommy, wake up!

  Joel Robinson : The Pile-Ons are here!

• Gypsy : Tonight on "The Advocates," our debate will be about the woman from today's short. Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot will argue over whether she's more attractive sloppy, or clean Representing sloppy will be Crow. Representing clean will be Servo. I will be your moderator. The outcome will be decided by Joel Robinson. I now turn the floor over to Crow.

  Crow T. Robot : Thank you Gypsy. I like her sloppy. While her well-groomed - in other words, square - classmates were listening to Pat Boone and Patti Page, she was at the local jazz club, groovin' to Miles, Monk, and Coltrane. While her classmates were struggling to make it through an issue of Reader's Digest, she was the only woman on campus who can freely quote Henry Miller. She may be sloppy, but she fits deeply into my idea of paradise. Thank You.

  Gypsy : Tom Servo,

  Tom Servo : Thank you, Gypsy. I like her clean, 'cause it just shows that she wants to change the system from within. Sure she's a seething cauldron of passion, but she wears clean underpants, and she knows where her shirt is in the morning. Call her what you will - a Scoop Jackson Democrat or a Jacob Javits Republican - either way, she's the stuff that dreams are made of. Thank you,

  Gypsy : And now Joel Robinson will render his verdict.

  Joel Robinson : Well, thank you, Gypsy. Uh, both of these issues are complex, and there are no easy answers, but Crow is right.

  Crow T. Robot : Woo-hoo! I'm right, I'm right!

  Tom Servo : Wait a minute, Joel! Now, the whole subject of cleanliness and grooming is very important to me, and I know a much more effective way to resolve this issue.

  Joel Robinson : Well, how's that?

  Tom Servo : A spitting contest!

  [Spits on Joel and he and Crow try to spit each other behind Gypsy] 

  Gypsy : Wait! wait! Hey, knock it off! Hey!