The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)

A Vigilante Ripped My Sports Coat (1964)

Dick Van Dyke: Rob Petrie

Photos 

Quotes 

• Ritchie Petrie : You gonna get a sitter for me?

  Laura Petrie : Yes, dear. I've called Billy and he's gonna come over.

  Ritchie Petrie : He can teach me how to belch.

  Laura Petrie : Ritchie!

  Ritchie Petrie : He can do it any time he wants.

  Laura Petrie : Rob, please speak to him, please.

  [Laura exits] 

  Rob Petrie : Uh - heh-heh - Ritch, that's, uh, not a very polite thing.

  Ritchie Petrie : Billy says that in China, if you don't burp after a meal, they think you hated the dinner.

  Rob Petrie : Yeah, but we're not in China now.

  Ritchie Petrie : Well, maybe someday we'll go, and I wanna be polite.

• Laura Petrie : [angrily]  I think you two ought to know something. Rob was against sending that invitation to you but I insisted, and now I'm sorry I sent it.

  Millie Helper : You're sorry ya sent it?

  Laura Petrie : You don't know how sorry I am. I think it's one of the stupidest things I've ever done.

  Jerry Helper : Then you, uh... you DO think it was a stupid thing?

  Laura Petrie : [near tears]  Well, let's just say this, Jerry - I will never send you another one like it, and you can bet on that.

  Jerry Helper : You MEAN that?

  Rob Petrie : [through grit teeth]  Oh-h-h, you BET she means it.

  Jerry Helper : [greatly relieved]  Well, okay.

  Rob Petrie : Okay, what?

  Jerry Helper : We accept your apology.

  Laura Petrie : You accept our...?

  Millie Helper : Yes, and... we... forgive you.

  Rob Petrie : You forgive US?

  Millie Helper : [happily]  You bet we do.

  Jerry Helper : Uh, well, uh, we were both being very stubborn, and I'm happy to see that you took a first step to clear the air.

  Rob Petrie : [thoroughly perplexed]  Now wait a minute. Wait just a minute, Jerry. There's a misunderstanding here...

  Laura Petrie : [cautiously]  There certainly is, darling, and I think it's the kind of misunderstanding we should try very hard NOT to clear up for a little while.

• Sally Rogers : [examining Rob's sports coat]  Hey, how d'you rip the pocket?

  Rob Petrie : I didn't rip the pocket.

  Sally Rogers : What happened? D'your handkerchief explode?

  Rob Petrie : No, my neighbor did.

• Rob Petrie : [explaining why he and Jerry aren't speaking to each other]  Because we believe in diametrically opposed ideologies.

  Sally Rogers : Oh, he believes in ripping up your jacket and you just don't like that.

  Rob Petrie : No. No, I-I believe in constitutional government. That guy believes in... in mob rule.

• Rob Petrie : [giving reason for sending the Helpers a dinner invitation]  If people are gonna live together peacefully, we've got to keep the lines of communication open.

  Laura Petrie : Well, then, darling, why don't you CALL Jerry and invite him?

  Rob Petrie : 'Cause I don't wanna talk to that rat.

• Mel Cooley : [to Rob]  Oh, by the way, Alan wants to see you in his office right away. He needs some big jokes for the monologue.

  Buddy Sorrell : Why don't YOU volunteer. You're the biggest joke around here.

  Rob Petrie : Buddy, enough already.

  Mel Cooley : No, no, let him go. Let him go. The-the more he says, the closer he comes to a cauliflower nose.

• Laura Petrie : Now wait a minute. I don't know what's been going on here, but I would like to say a few things.

  Rob Petrie : Watch it. You'll get a breadstick up your nose.