The West Wing (TV Series)

The Crackpots and These Women (1999)

Richard Schiff: Toby Ziegler

Photos 

Quotes 

• [the Senior Staff are playing a pick-up basketball game with the President] 

  Josh Lyman : Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Who's this?

  President Josiah Bartlet : I'm making a substitution.

  Toby Ziegler : Who is this guy?

  President Josiah Bartlet : Mr. Grant's a new member of my team.

  Toby Ziegler : A ringer, perhaps?

  President Josiah Bartlet : Mr. Grant is a federal employee.

  [Mr. Grant is played by real-life NBA forward Juwan Howard] 

  Toby Ziegler : You know the thing about you, Mr. President? It isn't so much that you cheat. It's how brazenly bad you are at it.

  President Josiah Bartlet : I beg your pardon?

  Josh Lyman : Toby's got a point there, sir.

  President Josiah Bartlet : When have I ever cheated?

  Toby Ziegler : Up in Florida, playing mixed doubles with me and C.J. You tried to tell us that your partner worked at the American consulate in Vienna.

  President Josiah Bartlet : And she did.

  Toby Ziegler : It was Steffi Graf, sir.

  President Josiah Bartlet : Well, I will admit that the woman bore a striking resemblance...

  Toby Ziegler : It was Steffi Graf, you crazy lunatic! You think I'm not going to recognize Steffi Graf when she's serving a tennis ball at me?

• Toby Ziegler : ...If I were an actor or a writer or uh, uh, uh, a producer in Hollywood and someone were to start coming at me with lists of things that were American and un-American I'd start to think that this was sounding eerily familiar.

  President Josiah Bartlet : Do I look like Joe McCarthy to you, Toby?

  Toby Ziegler : No, sir. Nobody ever looks like Joe McCarthy. That's how they get in the door in the first place.

• Leo McGarry : Andrew Jackson, in the main foyer of his White House had a big block of cheese.

  Toby Ziegler : Huh.

  Leo McGarry : I am making a mental list of those who are snickering, and even as I speak I am preparing appropriate retribution. The block of cheese was huge - over two tons. And it was there for any and all who might be hungry.

  Toby Ziegler : Leo, wouldn't this time be better spent plotting a war against a country that can't possibly defend itself against us?

  Leo McGarry : We can do that later, Toby. Right now I'm talking about President Andrew Jackson.

  Sam Seaborn : Actually, right now, you're talking about a big block of cheese.

  Leo McGarry : And Sam goes on my list!

  Sam Seaborn : And what about Toby?

  Leo McGarry : I'm unpredictable. Jackson wanted the White House to belong to the people, so from time to time, he opened his doors to those who wished an audience.

  Mandy Hampton : And then he locked the doors behind them and made them eat two tons of cheese.

• Toby Ziegler : Charlie, guard the new guy.