Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Woo-Hoo, a Hernia-Exam! (2005)

Charlie Sheen: Charlie Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Alan Harper : [Charlie is injured and is only thinking about nailing his hot doctor]  You're unbelievable! Does your penis have an off switch? Pause button?

  Charlie Harper : No. Just a little freckle.

• Charlie Harper : You know the difference between you and me?

  Alan Harper : Yeah. I have a functioning liver, and somehow you're gonna get laid tonight.

• Charlie Harper : [in pain on the examination table]  Oh, God! Oh, jeez!

  Alan Harper : [Browsing through an old magazine]  Hey, guess what? The Soviet Union is boycotting the Olympics.

  Charlie Harper : My pain is just a big joke to you, isn't it?

  Alan Harper : I offered to help you and you refused, so... yeah.

• Dr. Michelle Talmadge : Mr. Harper, I'm Dr. Talmadge.

  Charlie Harper : [sits up on examination table]  Hellooooo, Doctor!

  Alan Harper : Hallelujah, it's a miracle.

• Charlie Harper : [Charlie's in great pain after throwing his back out, and initially asks Alan to help him]  New plan. I need someone who can give me drugs.

  Berta : I'm not holding, but I can make a couple calls.

  Alan Harper : Drugs just mask the problem.

  Charlie Harper : Fine! Mask it, throw a cape on it, let it fight crime... I just want it to go away!