The Simpsons (TV Series)

Homer vs. Patty and Selma (1995)

Dan Castellaneta: Barney Gumble, Homer Simpson, Groundskeeper Willie

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Homer is a limo driver] 

  Homer : Oh wow, I can't believe my first passenger is comedy legend Mel Brooks. You know that movie, Young Frankenstein? Scared the hell out of me.

  Mel Brooks : Umm, thanks.

• Homer : God is teasing me. Just like he teased Moses in the desert.

  Marge : *Tested,* Homer. God *tested* Moses.

• Selma : After all, you can't spell obsequious without iou.

  Homer : I'll have to take your word on that.

• Homer : Marge, we had an agreement. Your sisters don't come here after six, and I stop eating your lipstick.

  [quickly turns away and wipes lipstick from his teeth] 

• Homer : [after throwing Patty and Selma out, turns to Patty]  I never wanna see you again!

  [turns to Selma] 

  Homer : You either.

  [slams door] 

• Marge : Homer, are we in some sort of fiduciary trouble?

  Homer : [imagines Marge as a queen]  Oh, Marge, my loyal wife... of course not.

  [Lisa walks by the room, he imagines her as a princess] 

  Homer : And Lisa, my little princess.

  [Bart walks by, he imagines him as a human-rat hybrid] 

  Homer : And who could forget dear Ratboy?

  Bart : Ratboy? I resent that!

  [chomps on bedroom entrance] 

  Marge : Bart, I told you before - stop gnawing on the drywall.

• Marge : Try to be nice to my sisters. It's very hard on me to have you fighting all the time.

  Homer : Oh, OK Marge, I'll get along with them. Then, I will hug some snakes! Yes, I will hug and kiss some poisonous *snakes*!

  [pause] 

  Homer : Now that's sarcasm.

• Homer : Well, Lisa, I managed to solve a little problem today, and to celebrate, I'm going to tilt my chair

  [Slants his chair back] 

  Homer : Mmmmmm... slanty.

• Homer : Oh, how can I tell Marge we're broke? I need a miracle.

  [sees smoke coming out from under the front door] 

  Homer : My house is on fire! Woo-hoo! Insurance to the rescue!

• [Homer has asked Moe for a loan] 

  Moe : Sure, Homer, I can loan you the money. However, since you have no collateral, I'm gonna have to break your legs in advance.

  Homer : Gee, Moe, that seems a bit extreme. Couldn't you just bash my brains in?

  Moe : Are you a loan shark? Do you understand how finance works?

  [Pulls out a sledgehammer] 

  Moe : Now, let's do this thing.

• Homer : Oh, I'll never pay off that debt!

  TV Commercial : Need money fast? Got no experience? Step up to elegance! Become a limo driver at Classy Joe's.

  Homer : That's it! I'll make money with a chauffeur job. Good thing you turned on that TV, Lisa.

  Lisa : I didn't turn it on. I thought you turned it on.

  Homer : Oh. Well anyway, turn it off.

  Lisa : [Looks at the TV]  ... It *is* off!

  [ominous music plays] 

• Homer : [to Marge]  I'll understand if you want to sleep on the couch tonight.

• Homer : Hey, let's do that 2,000 Pound Man Thing! I'll be Carl Reiner, and you be what's-his-face.

  Mel Brooks : Homer, it's not that simple. It takes the genius and timing of Carl Reiner to... .

  Homer : [Interrupting]  Sir, today every country has a national anthem. Did they have national anthems in your day?

  Mel Brooks : Sure, sure we did! But back then it was just caves. I'll never forget my cave's national anthem.

  Homer : What was that?

  Mel Brooks : "Let'em all go to Hell, except Cave 76!"

• Patty : We thought we'd stop by unexpectedly for dinner.

  Selma : Now bring us some extra chairs like a good blubber-in-law.

  Homer : Time to fertilize the lawn; a couple of 500 pound bags should do it!

  [grabs them by the neck]