Seinfeld (TV Series)

The Masseuse (1993)

Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry Seinfeld

Photos 

Quotes 

• Elaine Benes : The whole city is talking about this monster Joel Rifkin, and I am dating a Joel Rifkin.

  Jerry Seinfeld : But you like your Joel Rifkin.

  Elaine Benes : Yeah. I just wish he has a different name

  Jerry Seinfeld : Ask him to change it.

  Elaine Benes : You can't ask a person to change their name

  Jerry Seinfeld : Why not?

  Elaine Benes : Would you change yours?

  Jerry Seinfeld : If someone asked me nicely. I'm Claude Seinfeld.

• George Costanza : [about Jodi]  Jerry... This woman hates me so much. I'm starting to like her.

  Jerry Seinfeld : What?

  George Costanza : She just dislikes me so much... It's irresistable.

  Jerry Seinfeld : I can see that.

• Jerry Seinfeld : Well, it's like going to Idaho and eating carrots. I like carrots, but I'm in Idaho, I want a potato.

• George Costanza : So she doesn't like me?

  Jerry Seinfeld : No.

  George Costanza : She said that?

  Jerry Seinfeld : Yes.

  George Costanza : She told you she doesn't like me?

  Jerry Seinfeld : Yes.

  George Costanza : What were her exact...

  Jerry Seinfeld : "I don't like him."

• Jerry Seinfeld : Well, did you get the ball?

  Kramer : Oh, I got the ball.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Well, I never even caught a foul ball at a baseball game.

  Kramer : Well, It's quite a thrill.

• Jerry Seinfeld : Look, who are you kidding? You come up to my apartment with your table and your little oils, and I'm not supposed to expect anything? You're a massage teaser.

  Jodi : Listen. I massage who I want, when I want. I don't submit to forcible massage.

  [Jerry tries desperately to get her hands on his shoulders again but she pulls them away immediately] 

  Jodi : I'm getting out of here.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Fine. Go.

• [first lines] 

  Jerry Seinfeld : If there's a serial killer loose in your neighborhood, it seems like the safest thing is to be the neighbor. They never kill the neighbor. The neighbor always survives to do the interview afterwards, right? "Uh, he was kind of quiet." I love these neighbors. They're never disturbed by the sounds of murdering. Just stereo. Chain saws, people screaming, fine. Just keep the music down... And all these women that always fall in love with the serial killer. They write to him in prison. Here's a woman that's hard to disappoint. I guess she's only upset when she finds out he's stopped killing people. And she goes, "You know, sometimes I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore."

• [last lines] 

  Jerry Seinfeld : The Swedish are very big massagers, you know. They like the Swedish meatballs, Swedish massage. They like having meat in their hands, these people. For some reason. But it's weird. Because they have one of the highest suicide rates. They're rubbing each other's necks all the time. For a neutral country, they seem kind of tense. I don't really like the idea of getting a professional massage. I don't want people touching me that don't know me and don't want to have sex with me. You know, what are you bothering me for? You get me all loosened up, juices flowing, then, "That's it. Okay. You're done." Like having chocolate rubbed all over your face. You want to go, "Excuse me. I think you missed a spot."