Roseanne (TV Series)

Construction Junction (1996)

Roseanne Barr: Roseanne Conner

Quotes 

• [starts to feed Jerry baby food] 

  Roseanne Conner : My name is "Mommy" and I'll be your waitress tonight. We have specials on the menu including: tender sweet peas, turkey in its own both, and peaches. And I know these are good, because me and your dad make peach daiquiris out of them.

  [puts a spoon with Jerry's mouth] 

  Roseanne Conner : Awww, how long have I been a waitress? Well, not very long; and I am just doing it until an acting job opens up. And your dad fixes trucks for the city and he's only doing that till, uh... another one breaks.

  [Jerry slaps the top of his chair] 

  Roseanne Conner : The best thing about your dad's job is that it's secure, you know? Because, uhh... the last big risk we took was having you, and that was a very big risk, but that's just the kind of people we are... or were?

  [pause] 

  Roseanne Conner : I know what you're thinking; you're thinking, "well, since you took such a big risk with me,

  [Jerry grabs Roseanne's hand to be fed] 

  Roseanne Conner : and that turned out so good, how come you're playing it safe now?" Quit growing me. Because... see...

  [sticks her tongue out] 

  Roseanne Conner : risks are for younger people, not us. See, when you get to be me and your dad's age, you want to know that you can do the same thing over and over again you know... till you... die.

  [Jerry slaps his hands on the chair again] 

  Roseanne Conner : Okay, so let's just hypothetically say that your dad does take this job at the prison, right? And, uh, what about when that job's over? Then what is he going to do? Course the way this country's going now... I think they're always going to be building new prisons. Yeah, cause, you know, the way people hardly have to pay for what they do at all, it kind of makes crime look like a really good thing to get into, so a lot more people are going to be doing it, you know. And just by the sheer odds, a lot more of them are going to get caught, so I think, they're going to be building a lot of prisons, man. I think those things are going to start going up faster than Starbucks! Yeah! And then, like the people in these prisons, you know, they're going to need to eat, so me and Jackie maybe we get into the ground floor with some catering kind of business, you know.

  [Dan enters the house] 

  Roseanne Conner : And pretty soon, convicts from all over the world will becoming to eat loose meat in Lanford, Illinois.

  [stops feeding Jerry] 

  Roseanne Conner : Dan, that's it! You're quitting that boring job in the city and you're going to apply for that construction bit.

  Dan Conner : Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what?

  Roseanne Conner : No, I've really been thinking about this for... you know, the last couple of minutes. And, uh, this is a big opportunity here and I think we should take it.

  Dan Conner : Roseanne, is this your way of telling me that you've drank all my beer?

  Roseanne Conner : No, I was just sittin' here and I was talking to the baby-...

  Dan Conner : [interrupts her]  Okay, this sounds pretty grounded already.

  [he sits] 

  Roseanne Conner : No, Dan. He made me realize that, uh, the thing that was always so great about us is that we always took a chance, you know, and, this is a chance.

  Dan Conner : Honey, you're going awful fast here. Slow down a minute.

  Roseanne Conner : You know you want to do this. Let's take the risk.

• Jackie Harris : We're on our way to the p-e-d-i...... .atrician.

  Roseanne Conner : Why're ya going to the foot doctor?

  Jackie Harris : I'm a little worried about Andy's verbal skills.

  Roseanne Conner : Why, he still tanking all his job interviews?

  Jackie Harris : It's like, he doesn't say 'triangle', he says tri-an-gle, or hel-lo.

  Roseanne Conner : Pauly Shore makes millions of dollars doing that.