Red Dwarf (TV Series)

Timeslides (1989)

Craig Charles: Lister

Photos 

Quotes 

• Rimmer : What happened to you?

  Dave Lister : I'm just sick of it, that's what. I'm just totally, totally sick of it.

  Rimmer : Sick of what?

  Dave Lister : I'm sick of you and your silly green suits! I'm sick of your stupid flared nostrils! I'm sick of the way you always smile when you're being insulted! I'm sick of the Cat. I'm sick of Holly. I'm sick of you, I'm sick of me. And as for Kryten, I'm sick of him. I'm sick of this ship, I'm sick of this life, I'm just sick of it.

  Rimmer : [he takes a seat near Lister]  You're unhappy, aren't you?

• Dave Lister : [to his younger self]  Will you stop saying everything's crypto-fascist! You make me sound like I was a complete git!

• [Lister enters a photo of Hitler giving a speech at a Nuremberg rally] 

  Dave Lister : [to the crowd]  Ignore him! He's a complete and total nutter! And he's only got one testicle!

  [he gives Hitler the v-sign] 

• Dave Lister : I've come to try and change your future.

  Young Lister : Change it? Aren't you happy being a rock star? Is the constant demand of them groupies getting you down?

  Dave Lister : You don't make it as a rock star.

  Young Lister : That's impossible! It cannot be.

  Dave Lister : How can I say this without giving offence? You don't make it 'cos... you're crap.

• Dave Lister : [Playing Table Golf with Cat]  What am I doing? What am I doing?

  The Cat : You're not following through is what you're doing. Keep your head down, follow through.

  Dave Lister : Why am I playing this?

  The Cat : Because it's Sunday, time to relax, time to chill, lighten up!

  Dave Lister : I can't lighten up, I hate my life! We seem to spend every day devising more and more ingenious ways of wasting time, I'm sick of it! I'm sick of Table Golf! I'm sick of Tiddlywinks Showjumping! I'm sick of stretching a pair of tights across the room and playing Durex Volleyball!

• Young Lister : [singing tunelessly]  Ommm... Ommm... Ommm... Ommm... Ommm...

  Dave Lister : This is one of the first songs I ever wrote. It was called "Om".

  Rimmer : Nothing like a good old-fashioned love song, eh?

• The Cat : [trying to think of another game to play with Lister, who is bored and depressed]  Got it, Unicycle Polo. We can have a quick chucker on floor 14.

  Dave Lister : It's smegging stupid. Two grown men on unicycles belting a beachball up and down a corridor with French loaves? It's pathetic, it's idiotic, it's... it's puerile.

  The Cat : Well, you invented it.

• [Lister is fed up of playing childish games to pass the time] 

  Dave Lister : I want a life. This is worse than prison. At least when you're in prison you can look forward to getting out. I want to live, I want a job, I want to meet people. I want to meet girls, I want to make love.

  The Cat : Well, Junior Angler's the best you're going to get out of me, buddy.

• Rimmer : Did you go to school with anyone famous?

  Dave Lister : Charles Keenan. He was pretty famous.

  Rimmer : What did he do?

  Dave Lister : Ate his wife.

• Dave Lister : Guys, guys. I'd like you to meet me, aged 17.

  Young Lister : Shay-dee! This is totally shady! It's beyond shady, it's surreal! These your mates, then?

  Dave Lister : Yeah. That's Cat, Kryten, and... Rimmer.

  Young Lister : [pointing at the H on Rimmer's forehead]  Brilliant tattoo, man! What's it stand for, "Heavy metal"?

  Rimmer : Yes, indeed.

  Young Lister : [pointing at Kryten]  And him? What's happened to him? His face, it's grotesque, isn't it? Has he had an accident? He looks like he spent three weeks with his head jammed in a lift! It's totally shady!

• Dave Lister : [to his younger self]  I'm trying to give you a break.

  The Cat : Oh, give up! The guy's an idiot.

  Dave Lister : He's me!

  The Cat : Exactly!

• [Lister enters the courtyard of his mansion and looks at the 50 foot nude, urinating statue of himself] 

  Gilbert : I am most awfully sorry about the statue, sir. The contractors still haven't devised a way of making it urinate champagne into the courtyard, although I am assured that it will be fully functional for the royal visit this week.

  Dave Lister : Oh, get outta town! This is gonna slay 'em!

  Gilbert : Indeed, sir. I am only just recovering from the hilarity of the gag myself. It is almost Swiftian in its rapier-like subtlety.

• Rimmer : So we can go anywhere we want, absolutely anywhere?

  Kryten : Providing we have a photograph of it.

  Rimmer : So if one of us had, say, a photograph of a female-only naturist beach in Acapulco full of bronzed, naked, uninhibited teenage temptresses, we could go there for a holiday?

  Kryten : I suppose.

  Rimmer : Kryten, get my photo album.

  Dave Lister : Hang on. The thing is, we can't move outside the confines of the photograph. What we see is all we get.

  The Cat : Meaning?

  Dave Lister : Meaning we can't get a picture of Earth and go back there, we wouldn't be able to move outside the frame of the photograph.

  Rimmer : Believe me, this beach shot in Acapulco, you wouldn't want to move outside the photograph.