Photos
Quotes
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Lister : Depression's there for a reason. It's the mind's way of telling you something's wrong.
Kryten : Wrong? What could be wrong? I've got everything I want.
Lister : Oh yeah?
Kryten : No, I've done the most terrible thing. I've hurt my own kind, made fun of those closest to me. I've been a complete and total Polaroid-head!
Lister : You've had your head up your recharge socket!
Kryten : Agreed. And you've known all along.
Lister : Yeah, well, I did something similar once. I sold out.
Kryten : You sold out?
Lister : Yeah. Look, this is between me and you, Kryts. Once many years ago... I went into a wine bar.
Kryten : That's it, you went into a wine bar?
Lister : OK, keep it down, keep it down! Don't want the whole world to know.
Kryten : Well, what's so bad about going into a... WB?
Lister : It means I was a class traitor. I could've been on that slippery slope, hankering after pine kitchens, sleeping on futons, eating tapas! Who knows where it could've lead? I could've started having relationships with people instead of going out with them. Got married, got on the property ladder. God almighty, who knows where it could've ended. Next thing you know I'm playing Squash every Tuesday night with a bloke called Gerald! Lucky escape, man, lucky escape.
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Kryten : [Talking about his new human penis] Well, tell me, sir. Is that what it's supposed to look like?
Lister : Well, yeah.
Kryten : It's hideous! That's it? That's the best design they can come up with? Are you seriously telling me there were choices and someone said, "Ah, there. That's it. That's the one we're looking for - the last chicken in the shop look'. Shakespeare had one? Einstein? Perry Como sang "Memories Are Made of This" with one of those stashed in his slacks?
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Kryten : The most wonderful thing has happened! We found this machine and it's made me human.
Spare Head 1 : You're a human now?
Kryten : That's right, Spare Head 1. Our wildest, most incredible dream has come true!
Spare Head 2 : What's it like?
Kryten : It's indescribable, Spare Head 2. True, I'm having a few problems coping with the human emotions, there's no zoom, the nipples don't work, and I could show you a snapshot of something that would make your eyes spin like fruit machines. But that apart, it's all going well.
Spare Head 1 : What about us? It was my turn to be main head next month.
Kryten : Well, obviously that's no longer possible. Aren't you happy for me? I'm not a mechanoid, I'm not second-class any more!
Spare Head 1 : What about Spare Head 3? You can't just leave him here, he's got droid rot!
Spare Head 3 : [In a farmer's accent] I don't need no bugger t' look after me! I may be half bad with silicon rickets, and me voice units may be shot t' buggery, but I don't need sympathy from the likes of 'im!
Kryten : Well, I'll still come and visit. I won't forget you!
Spare Head 1 : Where have you been for the past four days?
Kryten : I've been busy!
Spare Head 3 : Aye, busy swanking around with 'is new central nervous system and 'is poncey new 'ate valve 'art, la-di-da-ing with all 'is fancy new 'uman friends!
Kryten : Oh, Spare Head 3, what do you know about anything?
Spare Head 3 : Ooh, hark at 'im! Orderin' 'is own heads around! I may be 30,000 years old, and me circuit boards may 'ave gone bandy, but I'll tell you this for nowt. You came into this world as a mechanoid, and a mechanoid you'll always be!
Kryten : I don't have to take this from you! I'm a human. Shut your stupid flat head!
Spare Head 2 : Kryten, I don't believe you just said that!
Kryten : I don't know why I even came here. What a waste of time!
Spare Head 1 : I think you should leave now, Kryten. There's nothing more to say.
Spare Head 3 : Aye, sling your bloody 'ook! Go on! Clear off!
Kryten : And what about you, Spare Hand 1? How do you feel?
[Spare Hand 1 gives Kryten the finger]
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Kryten : [Rimmer and Kryten are examining a three-headed human skeleton] Curious, the skeletal form appears to basically humanoid in structure.
Rimmer : And he's got three heads!
Kryten : [finding a wallet on the skeleton's person] Wait, there's some kind of wallet. Hmm, the artifacts are human. I.D., pilot's licence, even a video club card.
Rimmer : Are you telling me this guy was part of a video club and he needed a card so they'd recognize him? He's got six eyes and three noses! If it were me I'd remember him. "Aren't you the bloke who came in last week, sneezed and caused a monsoon?"
Kryten : I think we can assume he started out as human and something happened here, something that mutated him in this unspeakable way.
