Justice League (TV Series)
Wild Cards (2003)
Mark Hamill: The Joker
Photos
Quotes
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[as Green Lantern and Hawkgirl argue over a bomb]
The Joker : Whew! Is it just me, or is there something going on between those two? Will Green Lantern ever admit to his true feelings? Will Hawkgirl ever stop sublimating her passions with that big honking mace? Will true love conquer all?
[holds up his detonator]
The Joker : Not on my show!
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The Joker : Ah, ah, ah! Don't touch that remote. I know it's heartbreaking to have your favorite shows preempted, but look what you're getting instead: me! And a whole truckload of mindless violence and wanton property damage, everything that makes TV great! So stay tuned - you won't believe your eyes.
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The Joker : Uh, Harl, sorry to interrupt, but I think I see one of our stars approaching the red carpet.
[shot of the Batplane landing]
The Joker : And he's in black - always chic. But here come the fashion disasters...
[the Javelin lands next to the Batplane]
The Joker : I'm surprised their mommies let them out of the house looking like that.
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The Joker : While they stumble around trying to find my bomb, let's see how the local economy's doing.
[camera shot of a casino's game room: completely empty, and dead silence except for some crickets chirping]
The Joker : Oh, dear. It looks a little slow.
[the camera pans across and finds one old lady, feeding quarters into a slot machine]
The Joker : Ma'am? Ma'am! Aren't you scared?
Old Lady : [not looking up] Of what? This thing's gotta pay off sooner or later.
The Joker : Man, I love this town!
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[while Jack is fighting Batman]
The Joker : While there's a break in the action, let's see who the oddsmakers favor.
Bookie : Smart money's all on your boy Jack, Mr. J. Batman has the edge in experience - and weight, I can't help noticing, I suspect he's indulging in too many Bat-donuts - but Jack is younger, and he definitely has the longer reach.
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The Joker : [sees Batman on top of a man-made volcano] The good news is it looks like the bat is getting warm.
[pause. Dismayed]
The Joker : Getting warm, I said.
[TV crew looks confused]
The Joker : [points at the monitor]
The Joker : He's next to a volcano!
[He glares at his TV crew]
The Joker : [TV crew starts laughing]
The Joker : [Displeased] That's enough. Nobody likes a brown nose.
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[as the Royal Flush Gang runs from the League]
The Joker : Oh, you're breaking my heart, kids. Stand up to them like I would. If I were there. And if I had super powers and... Oh, for Pete's sakes, go back there and beat on them!
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Superman : [scanning the Strip with his x-ray vision] There we go, found it. No, wait, there's another one... two more... three... twenty-five. There are twenty-five bombs.
The Joker : Surprise! This is where we change all the rules. There are twenty-five of my little party favors hidden all over the Strip, and they're set to go off in...
[he puts on an oversized pair of glasses and peers theatrically at the countdown display at the corner of the screen]
The Joker : Oh, dear. That's not a lot of time!
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The Joker : I can't believe he didn't suspect a trap. See what happens when you don't watch enough television?
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The Flash : [finding Joker's bomb] Big one.
Superman : You were expecting anything less from the Joker?
The Joker : Oh, woe is me. Or woe would be me, except this is Vegas. So I've got a card or two up my sleeve. Watch.
Superman : Looks like a binary setup, but I can't tell what chemicals he's...
The Joker : [he gets blasted in the back] Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's extra-special guest stars, making their world debut, the Royal Flush Gang.
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John Stewart : [finding one of Joker's bombs] First one's a dummy. I'm moving on.
The Joker : [a little depressed] I was hoping someone would drown trying to disarm it. C'est la vie.
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The Joker : Now back to the boy in blue.
[Superman searches for the bomb]
The Joker : Clueless, as usual.
[he swoops down somewhere]
The Joker : Wait a minute. Harley, are you getting this?
Harley Quinn : Sure am, Mr. J. It's almost as if he can see it.
The Joker : See it? Oh, of course he can see it. He's got x-ray vision.
[face-palming]
The Joker : Silly me.
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The Joker : Much as I hate to miss any of Batman's whuppin', Flash has found one of my party favors. Let's see if he's as stupid as he looks.
The Flash : [opening the lid] This bites. You'd think the off switch would have a label on it.
[the bomb explodes like a party favor]
The Flash : Ahh!
The Joker : I wouldn't do that if I were you. The bomb's got a motion detector. If you try to move it, it'll blow. You have to defuse it to take it out of play. No cheating.
The Flash : How do I know you're telling the truth?
The Joker : Maybe I'm lying. Try me.
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Superman : [discovering 25 bombs around the Vegas Strip] And the last one's on the main floor of the Sphinx Hotel.
Batman : Split up and take them out. Stay in communication. Let's move!
The Joker : Oh, thrilling, isn't it? The suspense is killing me! Of course, it's going to be the explosions that kill them.
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The Joker : I'll bet you folks at home are wondering who these wild cards are. Let's go up-close and personal. The tale of the Royal Flush Gang begins in the Arizona desert at a secret facility where five innocent children were taken after being snatched from their families by the government. They promised to educate the kids, give them a home, but they wanted something in return, because, you see, each of these kids was born with a mysterious power. Ten feels no pain...
[in a flashback, he's shot at with a flamethrower but comes out unscathed]
The Joker : Literally. And he's every bit as strong as Stupidman. King's a real ball of fire. Jack's just a flexible kind of guy. *Very* flexible. And Queen has a magnetic personality. That just leaves Ace. Poor, lonely Ace.
[patting her on the head]
The Joker : More on you later, my dear. The government said it was protecting them, but what it really wanted was to make them into human weapons. And they would have gotten away with it, too, if not for me meddling with the kids. I made an arrangement with their headmaster.
[in flashback, he gasses the man with the flower on his lapel]
The Joker : He seemed happy enough with it. And so did the kids. They were so grateful for their freedom, they've stuck to me like flypaper ever since. The playing-card thing was something I thought of off the top of my head. It made them into one big, happy family.
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The Joker : Here's how we do this little tango. I've tucked away a great, big time bomb somewhere on the Vegas Strip. Only the Justice League can stop it, 'cause if anyone else tries, I press this.
[showing a detonator remote]
The Joker : And kablooie, no waiting. Now, I know you'll want to see the big bomb hunt from the best possible angles, so... I've set up hundreds of cameras all over town. The League won't be able to burp without us looking in on them.
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The Joker : [as the Royal Flush Gang defeat Flash and Superman] Oh, dear. It looks like they're not going to stop the bomb after all. Wait!
[seeing Batman approach the bomb]
The Joker : Him again. It's always him. Time for more of that mindless violence, kiddies.
[as the Royal Flush Gang advance on Batman, they're knocked away by Green Lantern]
The Joker : No fair! No fair!
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The Joker : Now, let's see how Batman's doing. Will he diffuse the bomb or will he be bat soup?
[as Batman cuts a wire, the counter stops and he sighs; the timer then speeds up and counts down to 5 seconds, then blows up like a party favor, including a large clown from a jack-in-the-box]
The Joker : Gotcha!
