Quotes
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Mike McNeill : [Yelling at a bus] Hey, Billy Bob! Move your ass!
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Bike Cop : You just ran a red light back there, all right? And you're way over the speed limit.
Mike McNeill : Hey, you got radar on that thing?
Bike Cop : Buddy, I don't need radar.
Mike McNeill : Nice socks, by the way. Let me ask you something. They teach you to ride in academy or did you already have that particular skill?
Bike Cop : Alright, step out of the car, sir.
Mike McNeill : I'm gonna reach down here in just a second. Hang on, I want to show you something.
[Mike shows the Bike Cop his police badge]
Mike McNeill : Twenty-first precinct and your balls are hanging out. What am I saying? You're a bike cop. You don't have those. Bye-bye.
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Mike McNeill : [Tasting his coffee] What the hell is this?
Frank Harrigan : Almond maple roast. It's the newest flavor.
Mike McNeill : When did Baskin-Robbins go into the coffee business?
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Terrence 'Pip' Phillips : I don't know why he started calling me "Pip". I'm watching this old variety show on cable the other night.
Mike McNeill : Yeah?
Terrence 'Pip' Phillips : I don't look like either one of them.
Mike McNeill : There are two Pips?
Terrence 'Pip' Phillips : Yeah. Two or three.
Mike McNeill : You don't know for sure?
Terrence 'Pip' Phillips : Well, they were moving kind of fast and your eyes are naturally drawn to Gladys. That's the whole point.
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Terrence 'Pip' Phillips : Why are you still taking those things, huh? I ain't no doctor, but I hear before you take painkillers you're actually supposed to have this thing called pain.
Mike McNeill : I have pain.
Terrence 'Pip' Phillips : Where?
Mike McNeill : Well, there's the one in my ass - that would be you. And there's the one in my shoulder which happens to be killing me right now.
Terrence 'Pip' Phillips : Yeah, well, one day soon I'm getting rid of that box.
Mike McNeill : Yeah, let me tell you something: That box and a bottle of Bushmills is the only thing keeping me from taking a hostage, okay?
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Mike McNeill : Where's Kaleel Ojala?
Ironsides : You looking for a black man so you come after me? I know what that is. I read it in the newspaper. That's racial profiling.
Terrence 'Pip' Phillips : Damn straight it is.
Mike McNeill : Yeah, see, I'm looking for a black guy, I don't go asking elderly white women. I go right to other black guys. Saves a lot of time. It's like the Puerto Rican Day parade. Who am I gonna pick up for smoking weed at that particular event? Little hint, not Italians, okay? Then again, come March 17th who am I gonna run in for beating up his own cousin and puking up green beer all over Fifth Avenue? Another little hint, not Puerto Ricans!
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Terrence 'Pip' Phillips : Can I ask you something?
Mike McNeill : Yeah.
Terrence 'Pip' Phillips : Do I look okay?
Mike McNeill : Yeah, you look fine.
Terrence 'Pip' Phillips : I look all right?
Mike McNeill : What do you mean? Yeah.
Terrence 'Pip' Phillips : Last night I'm getting in bed. And my wife said - She says my ass looks fat.
Mike McNeill : I'm not getting involved.
Terrence 'Pip' Phillips : I'm asking you, as my best friend, does my ass look fat?
Mike McNeill : Well, how should I know? I never look at your ass.
Terrence 'Pip' Phillips : Okay, look, I'll get out the car, walk around front.
Mike McNeill : Yeah?
Terrence 'Pip' Phillips : You just take a look at the ass.
Mike McNeill : What, wha?
Terrence 'Pip' Phillips : Just tell me what you think.
[Gets out of the car]
Mike McNeill : Pip. Hey! Get in the car, pip! Pip. I don't believe this. Get in the car, pip.
Terrence 'Pip' Phillips : Well?
Mike McNeill : You know, this is, this is how it starts probably. You know, it starts with us talking about your gigantic ass here in a car, and then in about a month we're sitting on a couch somewhere holding hands and watching "The Wizard of Oz" on DVD wide screen.
Terrence 'Pip' Phillips : What? Gigantic?
Mike McNeill : Oh, no, no, man. No, that's not, sorry, buddy. That wasn't what I meant to say. You're not fat, man. You're not. You know, you're, uh, you're, uh, big boned.
Terrence 'Pip' Phillips : Big boned.
Mike McNeill : That's a good thing, man. There's a lot of good-looking big boned people. You know? What the hell am I saying? You know what? We're not talking about your ass ever again. Don't bring the ass up in the car! You're worried about how big it is, stop eating.
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Mike McNeill : I know you did it, Kaleel. But, it's cool. I'm not pointing any fingers. It's not your fault. Your parents. Those are the ones I blame. Probably a couple real jerk-offs, right?
Kaleel Ojala : They're dead.
Mike McNeill : You kill them?
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Mike McNeill : [as a group of older Japanese men enter the squad room] Ah, don't tell me. Somebody stole your golf course.