Family Matters (TV Series)

The Good, the Bad, and the Urkel (1991)

Reginald VelJohnson: Carl Winslow

Photos 

Quotes 

• Harriette Winslow : But Carl, why must you show up for a showdown?

  Carl Winslow : Because that's my job, I have to enforce the law of the West.

  Harriette Winslow : Why can't the West have simpler rules, like "no smoking in elevators"?

  Rachel Crawford : What's an elevator?

  Harriette Winslow : It's a real fast way to get upstairs.

  Rachel Crawford : For me, it's cash.

• Carl Winslow : Somebody call 911. There is about to be a murder!

• Rachel Crawford : What is that awful smell?

  Harriette Winslow : Carl, what happened?

  Carl Winslow : I was out in the backyard, minding my own burgers, when all of a sudden the wind shifts and I get this-this-this-this-this stench from Dr. Urkel's compost heap. So I went over to complain.

  Harriette Winslow : Carl, you didn't make a scene.

  Carl Winslow : Of course not. I politely suggested to Dr. Urkel that the stench from his compost heap was unbearable. He suggested to me that the stench started when I walked in his backyard. So I told him, Oh, yeah? Well, that's big talk coming from a little quack. And then next thing I know, he slam-dunked me into the compost heap.

  Rachel Crawford : He threw you? But, Carl, Dr. Urkel is a teeny... tiny man.

  Carl Winslow : He surprised me.

  Estelle 'Mother' Winslow : But still the man's a munchkin.

  Carl Winslow : Well, anyway, then he came at me with a garden hose. I had to defend myself, Harriette.

  Harriette Winslow : Oh, Carl, you hit him?

  Carl Winslow : No! I-I-I merely put out my arm to fend him off and he ran into my fist. Then he started crying and ran into the house.

• [Steve enters] 

  Steve Urkel : You! You... You big... bully!

  Carl Winslow : Oh, great. Son of Urkel.

  Steve Urkel : Carl, I love you like a father and my father like a... neighbor. But you have dented my dad. Therefore, I have no choice but to defend our family honor. It's the code of the Urkels!

  [puts up his fists] 

  Carl Winslow : Go home, Steve!

  Steve Urkel : I'll leave. But rest assured, I shall return! Revenge shall be mine!

  [Carl shuts the door behind Steve. Steve presses his nose against the door] 

  Steve Urkel : And by the way, this is what my dad's nose looks like!

• Carl Winslow : [wakes up from his dream]  Two-Gun! You're alive!

  [picks Steve up and spins him around all the while Steve screams] 

  Steve Urkel : [when Carl puts him down]  Carl, this is no time to do the lambada!

• Steve Urkel : I'm calling you out.

  Carl Winslow : Well I'll be right here tomorrow at high noon.

  [ominous music plays for the umpteenth time, everybody looks around] 

  Steve Urkel : Yeah well in the meantime let's form a posse and track down that dang orchestra.

• Carl Winslow : Look here, Two-Gun, I'm real sorry about what I done, but I did it because it had to be done.

  Steve Urkel : Yeah well you done it, and now you' gotta die!

  Carl Winslow : Dang!