Dead Ringers (2002–2007)

Phil Cornwell: Greg Dyke, Osama bin Laden, Saruman, Duncan Bannatyne, Evan Davis, Prince Philip, Jeremy Vine, Melvyn Bragg, Tony Robinson, Den Watts, Gerry Standing, Jack Nicholson, Mick Jagger, Severus Snape, Sheriff of Nottingham, Alan Rickman, Gabriel, Gene Hunt, Gerry Adams, God, Jack Straw, John, Leo McGarry, Prince Charles, Russell Brand, Adolf Hitler, Alistair Darling, Ash Morgan, Death, Derren Brown, Jacques Chirac, Jamie Oliver, Jimmy Hill, John Kerry, Leonard 'Oz' Osborne, Peter Snow, Police Officer, Albert Steptoe, Army Major, BBC Head, BBC Producer, BBC Two Whistleblower, Barry, Barry Scott, Bilbo Baggins, Bricks for Milk Bottles Spokesman, Bruce Forsyth, Chas Hodges, Chef, Christopher Eccleston, Civil Servant, Clive Tyldesley, Comedy Soap Policeman, Conman, Cooter, David Bowie, Delia Smith's Director, Dirty Harry, Dr. Yanten, Dry Cleaner, Eric Morecambe, Eric Parkhurst, Father Merrin, Geoff, George W. Bush's Advisor, Gil Mayo, Gilbert, Gordon, Guy Ritchie, Hank Cornpoke III, Hans Gruber, Harold Wilson, Howard Donald, Jeremy Paxman, Jimmy Savile, Judas Iscariot, Judge, Justin Hawkins, Ken Livingstone, Killer Z, Leslie Grantham, Lily Savage, Lollipop Man, Man Stealing Rolf Harris's Painting, Man Stood Behind Andrew Marr, Matt Allwright, Mick Parkhurst, Mr. Ashworth, Mr. Tulkinghorn, Murder Suspect, Norman Bates, Ozzy Osbourne's Stunt Double, Pantomime Dame, Paul Dacre, Police Inspector, Pope Judy's Husband, Presidential Advisor, Puppeteer, Richard Mason, Rick Blaine...

Quotes 

• General : Mr. President, military intelligence advises...

  George W. Bush : I learned a long time ago not to rely on intelligence.

• Greg Dyke : My name is Greg Dyke. And I, am director general of the BBC. Shut it, I am! Now, bring back "Doctor Who"? OK. But there won't be any daleks this time. No. They've crossed me once too often!

• [Osama and Saddam are in bed, when Osama looks over at the book that Saddam is writing in] 

  Osama Bin Laden : What you got there, little Sadd?

  Saddam Hussien : It's a fatwa, against Des O'Connor, what I wrote.

  Osama Bin Laden : A fatwa? Against Des O'Connor? Steady on, son, we're supposed to be unpopular in the West!

• Greg Dyke : My name is Greg Dyke, and I am Director General of the BBC. Bring back Chorlton and the Wheelies? Are you mad? Think of the Congestion Charge!

• Narrator : New from BBC Enterprises, a DVD all Alan Rickman fans can treasure forever. Yes, "Alan Rickman plays the token baddie in Hollywood films". Who can forget Alan's carefully honed performance in "Die Hard"?

  Alan Rickman : I'll get you, John McClane!

  Narrator : His unique interpretation of the Sheriff of Nottingham in "Robin Hood"?

  Alan Rickman : I'll get you, Robin of Sherwood!

  Narrator : And of course his towering performance in "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone"?

  Alan Rickman : I'll get you, Harry Potter!

  Narrator : Also includes Alan Rickman confronting his agent the moment it dawned on him that he was now hopelessly typecast forever.

  Alan Rickman : I'll get you, you lousy agent!

  Narrator : Buy "Alan Rickman plays the token baddie" and get "Dame Judi Dench plays every woman over 40 in every British Film" completely free!

  Judi Dench : Hello, I'm Iris Murdoch. I'll get you, A.S. Byatt.

• Alan Rickman : This cardboard cut-out baddie role has to be mine. Steven Berkoff's washing his hair, Anthony Hopkins is sick, Christopher Lee's on holiday and Kenneth Branagh wasn't even told where the auditions were being held.

• David Dimbleby : Hello, I'm one of the Dimblebys. It's too soon to say which one, but we are expecting an announcement shortly. The BBC has just received news that a terrible thing has happened. We don't know what this terrible thing is yet, but the Prime Minister has been first to look sincere.

  Tony Blair : A terrible thing has happened, and I am deeply angered, saddened and/or moved. When I find out what it is, I shall be taking tough action and/or extending my sympathies on national television. Earnest cheeks, stern nostrils, I-got-in-before-Ian-Duncan-Smith smile.

  David Dimbleby : Ian Duncan Smith has interrupted his busy schedule to make this statement about the terrible thing.

  Ian Duncan Smith : I am appalled by this terrible thing.

  David Dimbleby : And the Liberal Democrat leader Charles Kennedy made this statement.

  Charles Kennedy : Well, I am absolutely appalled by this terrible thing.

  David Dimbleby : And then Ian Duncan Smith said this.

  Ian Duncan Smith : Well, I am totally devastated and appalled.

  Charles Kennedy : Well, I am not only devastated and appalled. I am outraged and shocked.

  Ian Duncan Smith : I am infinitely moved and appalled and shocked recurring with no returns.

  David Dimbleby : And no sombre occasion like this would be complete without a statement from the palace.

  Queen Elizabeth II : My husband and I knew this terrible thing would happen. One just forgot to mention it to anyone.

  David Dimbleby : And now it's time for some pointless conjecture with Professor Robert Nibbs, an expert in terrible things that happen. Professor, what is this terrible thing?

  Prof. Robert Nibbs : Well, I have no idea.

  David Dimbleby : Well, that won't stop you answering the question though, will it?

  Prof. Robert Nibbs : No, no, no. Because as I stated in my book 'Terrible Things That Can Happen', I did say that somewhere, at some time, somewhere in the world, something terrible would actually happen, and I've been proved right.

  David Dimbleby : Right... Well, I'm told that we can now return to normal programmes, because although a terrible thing has happened, it was a long way away, and no westerners were involved. Good night.

• Sir David Frost : Gerry Adams, Martin McGuiness, how can a picture of you destroying your weapons be so humiliating?

  Gerry Adams : Well, take a look at us, David. I mean, any photo of us is humiliating because we're both of us plug ugly.

  Sir David Frost : Oh, don't run yourselves down. Although you're not exactly Zoe and Spider from Babe Station, are you?

  Gerry Adams : Too right, David. I mean, I don't take a good snap at all. I usually come out as a cross between Oddbod out of Carry On Screaming and an evil Bee Gee.

  Martin McGuiness : You think that's bad? I've got Art Garfunkel's hair, and a beak like Fungus the Boogie Man.

  Gerry Adams : Basically, the pictures have gotta be taken by either Lord Litchfield or Lord Snowdon so that they bring out the Princess Diana in me features. That's the condition.

  Martin McGuiness : Oh, and we get to keep our semtex and our favourite grenades.

  Gerry Adams : Shh!

  Sir David Frost : Gerry Adams, Martin McGuiness, freaks of nature the pair of you, thank you very much.