Dead Ringers (2002–2007)
Fiona Bruce: Welcome to Crime Watch. If this were the Avengers, I'd be Emma Peel.
Nick Ross: Yes, and I'd be Steed's umbrella.
Kirsty Wark: I'm Kirsty Wark and welcome to Newsnight. I'm getting a bit up there but you still would, wouldn't you?
George W. Bush: [addressing the US nation] My fellow Uma Thurmans...
General: Mr. President, military intelligence advises...
George W. Bush: I learned a long time ago not to rely on intelligence.
Ozzy Osbourne: [a customer at a chemist wants some echinaecia] Here, she says she wants a bottle of "Euthanasia" or something...
Kirsty Wark: Hello, I'm Kirsty Wark. You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot, merry Christmas your arse, I pray god it's our last. More on that story later.
Kirsty Wark: Hello, this is Kirsty Wark. My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like: It's better than yours. Damn right, It's better than yours. More on that story later.
Narrator: [singing about the brightly coloured blobs] We're just like the others at first sight / But we don't infringe copyright. / Otherwise auntie BBC's arse would get sued by the teletubbies.
Frodo: Oh, wise Gandalf, where will my quest take me?
Gandalf: Young Frodo, you must travel across the Misty Mountains, through the perilous forests of Fangorn, until at last you will set sight on Ithilien.
Frodo: And when I get there, shall I find the One ring? Shall I bring it back to you?
Gandalf: No, just get 20 Silk Cut and a box of matches. But don't tell Bilbo, he thinks I've quit.
George W. Bush: [Bush has just imprisoned Big Bird in Camp X-Ray] How else can the american people know that the next terrorist attack will not come from Al-Qaeda, but will be brought to them by the Children's Television Workshop? God bless pancakes.
Narrator: Bobo, are you a boy?
[Bobo shakes his head]
Narrator: Bobo, are you a girl?
[Bobo shakes his head]
Narrator: Are you totally asexual to make this show appealing to the lucrative middle-eastern markets? Thought so...
Greg Dyke: My name is Greg Dyke. And I, am director general of the BBC. Shut it, I am! Now, bring back "Doctor Who"? OK. But there won't be any daleks this time. No. They've crossed me once too often!
[Osama and Saddam are in bed, when Osama looks over at the book that Saddam is writing in]
Osama Bin Laden: What you got there, little Sadd?
Saddam Hussien: It's a fatwa, against Des O'Connor, what I wrote.
Osama Bin Laden: A fatwa? Against Des O'Connor? Steady on, son, we're supposed to be unpopular in the West!
Tony Blair: Well, Kirsty, the new extension on the M25 will run straight through the BBC newsroom.
Kirsty Wark: But Prime Minister, aren't you just being vindictive against the BBC?
Tony Blair: Nope.
Kirsty Wark: Then why are you kicking my leg under the table?
Tony Blair: Didn't.
Andrew Neil: Mr Blunkett, surely policemen carrying stun guns isn't a bit over-opressive?
David Blunkett: Let me make myself perfectly clear. I am only in this Home Secretary game for the arse-kicking.
Mark Lawson: Hello, you're watching Newsnight review. I'm Mark Lawson, Britain's brainiest potato.
Kirsty Wark: Hello, you're watching Newsnight. Even when I'm with my boo, all I think about is you. More on that story later.
Ozzy Osbourne: Christmas is a time for remembering. So that's me f
Ozzy Osbourne: ed.
Kirsty Wark: If there's a problem, yo I'll solve it, check out the hook while my DJ revolve it. More on that story later.
George W. Bush: My fellow umbrella stands. I know many of you will be astonisherated that the former Iraqer Defence Minister Sultan Akhmed, who surrendered in Mousehole on Friday, will not be charged with war crimes. But there is a very good reason why the CIA has granted Sultana Bran immunity from prostitution and that is because he has promised to lead us to Saddarm's weapons of mass destruction. What he has already told us about their location explains why we haven't found them. Turns out we've been looking in completely the wrong place. He says to find Saddarm's penguins of mass destruction my troops must first cross Jezaloor Gorge then press deep into the Fanghorn Forest. Beyonce that lies the Bridge of Kazad-dum and the fiery mount of McMordor where he says our quest will be at an end. Just as soon as we find this Gandalf guy, we're all set!
Fiona Bruce: Hello, and welcome to celebrity Crimewatch, with me, Fiona Bruce. Rhhrrr! Hear me roar!
Nick Ross: And I'm Nick Ross. If wallpaper could speak, it'd say Hello, I'm Nick Ross.
Kirstie Allsopp: Welcome back to Location, Location, Location. I'm Kirstie Allsopp, tog value 14.5
Delia Smith: Hello, and welcome to my interminable cookery show.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: [talking to a used car salesman] Yes, I know it's got six months' road-tax left, but will it take me to Alderaan?
Kirsty Wark: He was a skater boy, she said see you later boy, he wasn't good enough for her. More on that story later.
Joan Blakewell: We have been granted an exclusive interview with God. That's right... God. Here. On the BBC. Up yours, Martin Bashir, we're the daddy now.
Greg Dyke: My name is Greg Dyke, and I am Director General of the BBC. Bring back Chorlton and the Wheelies? Are you mad? Think of the Congestion Charge!
Ozzy Osbourne: I look like Nigella Lawson with a f**king bad hangover
Mark Lawson: Hello, you're watching Newsnight Review, post-match-analysis for toffs, and the latest book to get the big-screen treatment is "The Cat in the Hat", starring Mike Myers. Germaine Greer, what did you think?
Germaine Greer: I thought it was terrible, so boring and predictable, and that awful way they spoke - I mean, does anyone really speak like that? I went to the cinema and I hated it.
Mark Lawson: Well, would you watch it on a train?
Germaine Greer: I would not watch it on a train.
Mark Lawson: Would you watch it on a plane?
Germaine Greer: Not on a train, not on a plane. I would not watch it here, I would not watch it there, I would not watch it anywhere.
George W. Bush: America kick butt. Last one to bomb Syria is a Frenchy.
Sharon Osbourne: What's the matter, Ozzy? you haven't looked this depressed since you remembered you were from Birmingham.
Delia Smith: Hello. I'm not going to be doing any of my cookery shows, as I've actually done every recipe that's existed in the world, ever. As I found out last week, when I tried to serve up wooden barrel shavings, on a bed of lightly flogged horse.
[in an inset, "translating" a speech Tony Blair is giving]
George W. Bush: America, good. Bad man oblidifried.
George W. Bush: My fellow Invertabrates, this week a major incident reportedly took place at sea, during which Colin Powell captured my battleship. Oh yeah, and we also raidified that stupid North Korean boat as well. As a result, the North Korean leader, Kim Jong, announcified that he would be resumerating their nuclear program. A program I condemn, because it threatens to de-salinate the region. And also because it's a program that has not once featured the Fonz. But be warned, King Kong. Like others before you, should you threaten New York by climbing the Empire State Building, then my fleet of bi-planes will have no choice but to oblitifry you from the face of the Earth. God Bless Pancakes.
Mark Lawson: Hello, you're watching Newsnight Review, a high-fibre diet in programme form. First tonight, a book by the Danish novelist Piers Van Hoostrung. Tom?
Tom Paulin: I thought it was an astonishing novel, over 400 pages explore the notion of identity as glimpsed through the idealogical canope's of language itself. For me, it's one of the novels of the year.
Mark Lawson: Uh, Germaine?
Germaine Greer: Well, I was totally blown away by the distopian vision of the novel as a sort of trope for our own fragmented lives, and
Mark Lawson: I'm sorry Germaine, I'll have to stop you there, because I've just heard in my earpeice that our last viewer has finally fallen asleep. Well done everyone.
Kirsty Wark: [on how the P.M. makes vital decisions] What is the point of all this?
Tony Blair: Nothing, really. It just passes the time until George starts another war!
Fiona Bruce: David Blunkett has been fiercely criticized for telling David Dimbleby to piss of during a live radio broadcast. David Dimbleby has been fiercely criticized for not pissing off!
The Fourth Doctor: [talking about the New Doctor] He goes around with Billie Piper - a fine bit of skirt with a mouth you could lose a submarine in!
Narrator: New from BBC Enterprises, a DVD all Alan Rickman fans can treasure forever. Yes, "Alan Rickman plays the token baddie in Hollywood films". Who can forget Alan's carefully honed performance in "Die Hard"?
Alan Rickman: I'll get you, John McClane!
Narrator: His unique interpretation of the Sheriff of Nottingham in "Robin Hood"?
Alan Rickman: I'll get you, Robin of Sherwood!
Narrator: And of course his towering performance in "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone"?
Alan Rickman: I'll get you, Harry Potter!
Narrator: Also includes Alan Rickman confronting his agent the moment it dawned on him that he was now hopelessly typecast forever.
Alan Rickman: I'll get you, you lousy agent!
Narrator: Buy "Alan Rickman plays the token baddie" and get "Dame Judi Dench plays every woman over 40 in every British Film" completely free!
Judi Dench: Hello, I'm Iris Murdoch. I'll get you, A.S. Byatt.
Alan Rickman: This cardboard cut-out baddie role has to be mine. Steven Berkoff's washing his hair, Anthony Hopkins is sick, Christopher Lee's on holiday and Kenneth Branagh wasn't even told where the auditions were being held.
David Dimbleby: Yes, this week the pre-Budget report is the talk of Westminster, but that's no use to us because 'Question Time' will be coming from some godforsaken place in the middle of nowhere. The audience will all be in green wellies and the only guests willing to make the trip will be a Liberal Democrat MEP you've never heard of, a rent-a-quote loony right winger like Peter Hitchens and, worst of all, Jim Davidson. Expect incomprehensible shouting a-plenty about fiscal policy from an audience every bit as freakish as Gordon Brown himself, and lots of embarrassing moments as I try to work out whether the person with their hand up is a man or a woman. Of course, I can't wait to get back to London, safe in the knowledge that as it's a cold winter, someone famous is bound to die again soon. I do so love hosting a good funeral.
Cat Deeley: Good evening, and welcome to 'Fame Academy'
Patrick Kielty: I'm Patrick Kielty. Look, I'm Irish, I've got spiky hair, so, in theory I should be as lovable and funny as Graham Norton. So much for theories.
Cat Deeley: And I'm Cat Deeley, top, hot, toffee-coloured totty. Later tonight you'll be seeing tears and disappointment when my agent tells me that CD:UK won't have me back after this carnage finishes.
Patrick Kielty: Tonight we've got 12 contestants, 3 judges, 2 viewers.
Michael Buerk: A poisoned nerve-gas attack that was scheduled to take place this week on the London Underground is now not taking place, because the Al-Qaeda terrorists involved have all gone out on strike. They claim with the on-going firefighters' dispute, it's far too dangerous to work down there. They may well be suicidal but they're not stupid.
Michael Buerk: I'm speaking to you tonight on behalf of Newsreaders in Need. Please please please stop making us dress up in leather mini-skirts and mime out-of date show tunes, under the pretext of being a bit zany for charity. It isn't zany, it's bollocks. It's bad enough Andrew Marr looking like a freak all year round, without the rest of us joining in. Please stop it.
Michael Buerk: Liza Minelli has defended the Picasso-faced pop freak Michael Jackson, saying the singer did nothing wrong by dangling his baby son out of a six-storey hotel window. But there is the suggestion she may have been influenced into making the statement, by the fact that Jackson was hanging her out of a six-storey hotel window at the time.
Michael Buerk: The organisers of this week's gala, star-studded concert to remember George Harrison say it was such a success, that next week they plan another one, to try and remember who Ringo Starr was.
Michael Buerk: Tony Blair says that Britain will provide full air cover for the American invasion of Iraq, utilising planes capable of leaving the ground beneath them totally devastated - Concorde. Well, if the tail fin doesn't get them, the other bits falling off will
Michael Buerk: Just like he did with Brooklyn, David Beckham has now had the name of his second child, Romeo, tatooed onto his back. Here's hoping he calls his next child Kick Me Hard.
Michael Buerk: MI5 says that Osama Bin Laden may have bought 40 suitcase bombs. What's even more terrifying is that each suitcase comes with its own Celtic Supporter.
Michael Buerk: Girls Aloud insist that they're going to be selling just as many records next Christmas as they did this one. Well, provided they hang on to their Saturday jobs at HMV they could well be right.
David Dimbleby: Hello, I'm one of the Dimblebys. It's too soon to say which one, but we are expecting an announcement shortly. The BBC has just received news that a terrible thing has happened. We don't know what this terrible thing is yet, but the Prime Minister has been first to look sincere.
Tony Blair: A terrible thing has happened, and I am deeply angered, saddened and/or moved. When I find out what it is, I shall be taking tough action and/or extending my sympathies on national television. Earnest cheeks, stern nostrils, I-got-in-before-Ian-Duncan-Smith smile.
David Dimbleby: Ian Duncan Smith has interrupted his busy schedule to make this statement about the terrible thing.
Ian Duncan Smith: I am appalled by this terrible thing.
David Dimbleby: And the Liberal Democrat leader Charles Kennedy made this statement.
Charles Kennedy: Well, I am absolutely appalled by this terrible thing.
David Dimbleby: And then Ian Duncan Smith said this.
Ian Duncan Smith: Well, I am totally devastated and appalled.
Charles Kennedy: Well, I am not only devastated and appalled. I am outraged and shocked.
Ian Duncan Smith: I am infinitely moved and appalled and shocked recurring with no returns.
David Dimbleby: And no sombre occasion like this would be complete without a statement from the palace.
Queen Elizabeth II: My husband and I knew this terrible thing would happen. One just forgot to mention it to anyone.
David Dimbleby: And now it's time for some pointless conjecture with Professor Robert Nibbs, an expert in terrible things that happen. Professor, what is this terrible thing?
Prof. Robert Nibbs: Well, I have no idea.
David Dimbleby: Well, that won't stop you answering the question though, will it?
Prof. Robert Nibbs: No, no, no. Because as I stated in my book 'Terrible Things That Can Happen', I did say that somewhere, at some time, somewhere in the world, something terrible would actually happen, and I've been proved right.
David Dimbleby: Right... Well, I'm told that we can now return to normal programmes, because although a terrible thing has happened, it was a long way away, and no westerners were involved. Good night.
Bill Oddie: I'm only doing this show because the BBC won't repeat "The Goodies". All I ask is a couple of times a day on UK Gold to see me through the winter.
Fiona Bruce: I get 120,000 letters a week. Half from the same three men.
Nigella Lawson: [describing how to brush your teeth] First of all you need a tube of toothpaste. I always like to use one that's thick and completely engorged with fluoride. So gripping the tube firmly by the stem, using your fingers to caress and squeeze it lightly and firmly, until sure enough the end of the tube should ooze out and form thick white paste onto your brush. So then you just playfully insert the brush into your mouth, and make sure it gets in all the cracks. Begin a stroking motion up and down, up and down, up and down, faster and faster until your mouth is frothing with a creamy white freshness. Now take it out of your mouth, rinse it off and as for the stuff left in your mouth, take care never to swallow and always to spit.
George W. Bush: Are you watching, Daddy? My fellow umbrella stands. We got him! After nine months of searching, we finally located where Saddam had been hiding all this time, in a filthy Spiderman in the ground. Discoloring Saddam's whereabouts is a momentous achievement, because this means now we can move to the next stage. Now it's my turn to hide!
Kirsty Wark: Hello, and welcome to Newsnight. I'm Kirsty Wark, formulated and controlled by Laboratoire Garnier, Paris. The shock felt in the music world when Pop Idol, Will Young, came out has now been echoed at Westminster.
Ian Duncan Smith: In this new spirit of openness, I feel I too must come out, and admit to the world that I, Ian Duncan Smith, am Leader of the Conservative Party.
Kirsty Wark: This shock revelation has left millions of Ian's teenage fans heartbroken. I'm joined now by the Prime Minister, Tony Blair.
Tony Blair: I'm right behind Ian on this. Caring eyebrows, tolerant forehead, compassionate Paul Smith suit. You know, the days when people had to be ashamed that they were a Tory Leader really should be in the past. Some of my best friends are Tories. In fact, all my friends are Tories.
The Fourth Doctor: I'm going to take a nap. Wake me when I'm Peter Davison. Better still, wake me when I'm Sylvester McCoy.
The Fourth Doctor: It is true. A Time Lord is forbidden from directly interfering with the affairs of other species.
Cyberman: That's a likely excuse for refusing to help with the washing up.
[the Cybermen are showing the doctor their photo album]
Cyberman: And this was when we invaded the planet Vogar. And this was when we invaded Kronos. And this was when we invaded Garozone. And this is when we invaded...
[cut to the Doctor]
The Fourth Doctor: Thank God THAT'S over with. Not even the daleks have ever subjected me to anything so ass-paralysingly painful.
[in a pub with Cybermen]
The Fourth Doctor: Do you remember the time I thwarted your plans to invade Gallifrey by scraping a gold badge across Cyber Leader's chest unit? And gold being fatal to Cybermen, it killed him instantly.
The Fourth Doctor: Oh, now that was funny.
Fiona Bruce: Hello, I'm Fiona Bruce and welcome to the News at 10. You bloody love it, don't you?
Fiona Bruce: I've ironed your script, so if you crease it the only reporting you'll be doing is in the Falklands, and that's not very nice! Rhrrrr!
Fiona Bruce: Hello and welcome to the News at 10, as every young boy deserves Fiona!
Sophie Raworth: Hello and welcome to the news - the news with sore nipples!
Fiona Bruce: You're watching NewsWatch election night special, and I've already had *my* ballot box well and truly stuffed.
Delia Smith: I've now decided to concentrate on my other great passion. No, not that. It's football. I've outlined all the basic ingredients of how to spectate in my new book "Delia's How to Spectate". And it includes 130 new chants, including "Who's the bastard in the black?" Of course, the answer is Nigella Lawson.
Fiona Bruce: You're watching the 10 o'clock news with me, Fiona Bruce. Now with improved rear suspension and dual airbags.
ITV Announcer: You're watching ITV1, and Celebrity Love Island. It's like the bits you fast forward in real porn.
Sophie Raworth: The extent to which footballing legend, George Best, has fallen off the wagon was revealed today when his new liver demanded a free transfer to Paul Gascoigne.
George Lucas: Hi, I'm George Lucas; Hollywood's most powerful Ewok.
Sir David Frost: Gerry Adams, Martin McGuiness, how can a picture of you destroying your weapons be so humiliating?
Gerry Adams: Well, take a look at us, David. I mean, any photo of us is humiliating because we're both of us plug ugly.
Sir David Frost: Oh, don't run yourselves down. Although you're not exactly Zoe and Spider from Babe Station, are you?
Gerry Adams: Too right, David. I mean, I don't take a good snap at all. I usually come out as a cross between Oddbod out of Carry On Screaming and an evil Bee Gee.
Martin McGuiness: You think that's bad? I've got Art Garfunkel's hair, and a beak like Fungus the Boogie Man.
Gerry Adams: Basically, the pictures have gotta be taken by either Lord Litchfield or Lord Snowdon so that they bring out the Princess Diana in me features. That's the condition.
Martin McGuiness: Oh, and we get to keep our semtex and our favourite grenades.
Gerry Adams: Shh!
Sir David Frost: Gerry Adams, Martin McGuiness, freaks of nature the pair of you, thank you very much.