Scrubs (2001–2010)
Zach Braff: Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian, Mrs. Zeebee
Photos
Quotes
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Turk : Who are these guys?
J.D. : These are the last eight guys in the hospital that don't realize I suck at basketball. So here's what gonna happen: I finally mastered my running hook shot so when we go to pick teams I'm gonna hit that shot. Then you say I'll pick that guy at which point Carla is gonna page me and I'll say "*Crap*, I've gotta go." And you'll go "*Damn*, we just lost the best player out here." And then there will be eight guys in the hospital who think I'm good at sports and word will spread.
Turk : When do you find time to see your patients?
J.D. : Between these thoughts.
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J.D. : Because nothing sucks worse than feeling alone, no matter how many people are around.
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J.D. : Shut up, shut up, shut up and shut up, okay? Who are you people to give me advice about anything? All you do is bitch about your relationships all day long.
[to Dr. Cox]
J.D. : And you know what glare all you want Big Dog, okay, because I'm not afraid of you. 'Oh no, Jordan's only paying attention to the baby. That must be so hard for Dr. Look-At-Me, isn't it? LOOK-AT-MEEEE.
[to Carla and Turk]
J.D. : And you two, you're arguing ever since you got engaged, wow you're probably the first couple that's ever done that EVER. It can't be that you're just scared is it?
[to Elliot]
J.D. : And you, you know what, let's just forget for one second that a month ago you told me you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone, because for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is. Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort you guys is while I'm sitting at home staring at the ceiling just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are.
[JD storms out of the cafeteria, passing Nurse Roberts]
Nurse Roberts : Did I miss something good?
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Dr. Cox : Oh, gosh, Shannon, thank you so much for clarifying my point by repeating it word for word. And now, in a reciprocal gesture, can I be included in the planning of your coming-out party?
J.D. : Is that a gay joke?
Dr. Cox : No, it's a cotillion joke. My God, Newbie, it's been two furiously frustrating years - how is it possible that you still don't get me? I would never compare you to the gays. I like the gays - I like their music, I like their sense of style, I especially like what they've done with Halloween - but our thing is that you are a little girl. That's who you are. But that's really not fair...
J.D. : [thinking] Man, once Dr. Cox gets on a roll, there's nothing that can derail him.
Carla : [speaking from the desk behind them] My mom died.
[the two guys turn to look at her, speechless with concern]
J.D. : [thinking] Except that.
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[Turk shows his new interns the patient list]
Chris Turk : This guy needs brain work, this guy needs a heart...
J.D. : This one needs courage.
Chris Turk : Helping or hurting, JD? Helping or hurting?
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Dr. Cox : You are, in fact, a perfectly healthy 26-year-old doctor who keeps whining about how horrible his father was.
J.D. : Well, he did some considerable emotional damage, so...
Dr. Cox : Every one of our parents does considerable emotional damage, and from what I've heard, it just might be the best part of being a parent. Now, if some guy ever does put a ring on your finger and you're lucky enough to pop out a youngster, I'm sure you'll understand. But for now, believe me when I tell you I wouldn't care if this was the first time you ever met your daddy. Because, in reality... well, he could have done a much, much worse job.
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Dr. Cox : [explaining he doesn't care it's JD's last week of residency] I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week. Let's see... low carb diets, Michael Moore, the Republican National Convention, Kabbalah & all Kabbalah-related products, Hi-Def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hotspots, the OC, the UN, recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys, Jeff that Wiggle that sleeps too darn much, the Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything, everythingj every-everything that exists past present & future, in discovered and undiscovered dimensions!
[turns away, then turns back]
Dr. Cox : Oh, and Hugh Jackman.
J.D. : Hugh Jackman is Wolverine! How dare he!
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Mikey : [Flying around like an airplane] Eeeeeeeeehhhhh! I'm a pretty airplane! Board me! Eeeeeeeeehhhhh!
Murray Marks : He's a little off.
J.D. : He smells like fuel.
Murray Marks : He's an airplane!
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J.D. : I am not addicted to Journey
Chris Turk : [singing] She's just a small-town girl...
J.D. : [singing] Livin' in a lonely wor-rld, she took the midnight train, going a-n-y-whe-ere.
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Ben : I think you've got yourself a Christmas card right there.
Jordan : Yeah, you're funny. Look, I don't understand why you refuse to put on a hospital gown?
Ben : [in English accent] Because I don't like people to see my bum.
Jordan : So wear underwear.
Ben : You know how I feel about underwear.
Jordan : Every girl who came to our house in the mid-eighties knows how you feel about underwear.
Ben : [laughs] The sweatpants years.
J.D. : I don't like that much freedom down there. It makes me tingle in my giblets.
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J.D. : Can you get that for me? I can't reach it.
Janitor : Is this some kind of trick to get me off your back? I mean, I owe you one.
J.D. : No, I really need it.
Janitor : OK, here you go. You know, you could have just asked me to stop harassing you for about a year.
J.D. : OK, I want that.
Janitor : Too late.
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[discussing an argument between Elliot and Alex, an attractive social worker J.D. is dating]
Chris Turk : So, who'd you side with?
J.D. : Neither; I just pretended I was paged, and then when they said they didn't hear anything, I called them both liars and ran away.
Chris Turk : Smooth.
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Elliot : I put all those flyers up and no one wants me to live with them.
J.D. : Oh, c'mon, Elliot, I'm sure you'll eventually find a roommate who's a clean non-smoking vegetarian that rinses the shower thoroughly after each usage.
Elliot : Well, if you don't it gets mildewy.
J.D. : You should live with my friend, Anal McLooney.
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J.D. : [voice over] I guess what they say is true the people you work with really do become your family. Like your brother, and your sister in law,
[shot of Turk and Carla]
J.D. : or that cousin you have funny feelings for
[shot of Elliot]
J.D. : , and the crazy angry uncle everyone sort of hopes isn't coming this year.
J.D. : Dr. Cox, If you want you can come down here and hang out with...
Dr. Cox : Nobody talk, just drink.
J.D. : Ah uncomfortable silences and alcohol... just like Thanksgiving at home.
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J.D. : [internal] I think childbirth has been way too romanticized.
[cut to a 1950s era informational film with JD and the soon-to-be parents]
J.D. : You'll fart, poop, pee, and scream, all in front of ten complete strangers, all of whom are staring intently at your vagina, which, by the way, has an 80 per cent chance of tearing.
Pregnant Wife : [to her husband] You do it.
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[Turk is talking about a rival surgeon]
Chris Turk : Bonnie is killing me; I'm telling you, I cannot beat this woman no matter what I try. She's like a ninja but worse.
J.D. : Nothing's worse than a ninja - they're masters of every style of combat.
Carla : Can we please talk about something other than Bonnie?
Elliot : [to Turk] I think you should give Bonnie a break. You know, it's really hard being a woman around here... you can walk through walls and nobody notices you.
J.D. : Not entirely unlike a... ninja.
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J.D. : I can't believe you lost our bottle opener.
Chris Turk : Yeah, I know.
[quoting JD from earlier]
Chris Turk : I miss it so much, it hurts sometimes.
J.D. : You're a bad person.
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Dr. Cox : I went ahead and took the liberty of making you five Man Cards. Hold them very dear, because every time you drop the ball, man-wise, I'm going to take one from you.
J.D. : I don't need your approval, or your stupid Man Cards! Although the lettering is darling. Have you ever done calligraphy?
Dr. Cox : [snatching one of the cards] Thank you.
J.D. : Dammit!
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J.D. : [thinking] Why don't I ever listen to me?
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Chris Turk : Babe, you gotta understand. A guy will sleep with any woman he finds attractive, no matter how he feels about her. If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom and then offered to have sex with me, I'd have to dial 9-1-1 in the nude because my pants would already be off!
Carla : Nice, while your mother lays there dying.
Chris Turk : [to JD] Tell her.
J.D. : His mother doesn't die. Tyra uses her connections in the super model world to get Turk's mom's brain put into Heidi Klum's body. She falls in love with me, and we all move in together.
Chris Turk : Because I love my mom.
J.D. : Mm, and I would love her too.
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J.D. : I just Marcia Brady'd your ass.
Chris Turk : What the hell are you talking about?
J.D. : Like in the episode of the Brady Bunch where Marcia gets Jan a job, then Marcia gets fired cos they like Jan better...
Chris Turk : Season 5, Episode 3, Marcia gets creamed. Don't ever question me on the Bunch.
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J.D. : Look, Dr. Cox, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I honestly think the only reason that you're not down at that hospital right now is that... you're afraid.
Dr. Cox : I think you're right, I do. It's partly because you've gotten to know me this year, but mostly it's that well... I told you I was afraid earlier today... so please don't tell me you've come to reiterate things that I've already said, because I know the things that I've already said, in fact... I'm the one who said them.
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J.D. : You know, when you stop being frightened, time really is on your side. And you can just go on being you.
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J.D. : [after slamming his hand in the hinged counter] Aaaah! My 'me time' hand!
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J.D. : It's hard to take positive steps, when you've burned the bridge you got to walk across.
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[Dr. Cox, Turk and J.D. are having very different woman problems]
Dr. Cox : I don't know what the hell she wants.
Chris Turk : I don't know if I'm what Carla really wants.
J.D. : My peeps are on the frits.
Dr. Cox : What?
Chris Turk : Whoa.
J.D. : No, I mean you're me peeps, and you're on the frits...
Chris Turk : Yeah, right.
Dr. Cox : God bless you newbie. You helped me get a new perspective on everything.
Chris Turk : Dude...
[Dr. Cox and Turk leave, the janitor approaches J.D]
Janitor : Thanks for the coffee. Here's your dollar.
[empties cup full of pennies on J.D.'s table]
Janitor : Oh, and by the way, your new nickname is Pepe LeFrits.
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[JD was cooing to a baby]
Dr. Cox : Newbie, I know your ovaries are ahab-solutely tingling at the very sight of this little fella but you gotta snap out of it.
J.D. : Oh, I have to get to the funeral.
Dr. Cox : Well, raise my rent if you're not off to see Tasty Coma Wife, aren't you?
[explaining to Jordan]
Dr. Cox : Her husband was in a coma so long that she actually forgot what an attractive male looks like. Enter Errol Flynn here, whose conscience will not allow him to either swash or buckle her, but since hubby is now worm food, I'm guessing all bets are off, mmmmhmmmm?
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Dr. Cox : Oh and
[Whistles]
Dr. Cox : Lassie, in response to the bestiality rumors circulating about you, I have decided to forgo calling you by the usual girl's name, and instead I am going to refer to you as whatever famous dog I can think of. I have gone with Lassie because of course it satisfies the criteria of being both a girl's and a dog's name, thus helping you to ease into the transition
J.D. : I was just running kissing drills.
Dr. Cox : Oh, that is completely normal then.
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J.D. : It's the kid inside of us that keeps us all from going crazy.
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J.D. : It's funny, I guess sometimes when you do nothing at all, things just have a way of fixing themselves.
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J.D. : But in the end, the most important thing to accept is that no matter how alone you feel, how painful it may be, with the help of those around you, you'll get through this too.
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[about Dr. Cox]
Dr. Kelso : And I'll be damned if he doesn't disagree with everything I say just because I said it.
J.D. : Sir, I don't think that's true.
[Kelso turns over]
Dr. Kelso : It's hotter than hell in here, Perry!
Dr. Cox : Freezing!
Dr. Kelso : Great coffee, though!
Dr. Cox : Rat piss!
Dr. Kelso : Dr. Murphy here is an incompetent suck-up!
Dr. Cox : No, Bob, in fact he's one of the finest young doctors I ever had the good fortune of working with.
Dr. Kelso : [to J.D] Your witness.
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J.D. : [voiceover] I was running late, but that's okay, because I've been working with Dr. Casey these last few weeks and he likes to start every day the same way - by touching everything in his first patient's room.
Dr. Kevin Casey : [touching things] Bink, Bink, Bink, Bink, Bink...
Dr. Kelso : [enters room]
J.D. : Everything.
Dr. Kevin Casey : [touches Dr. Kelso's nose]
Dr. Kelso : Oh, well I suppose that's how they say hello in Cuckoo town. The patients on this wing have been complaining about hearing strange noises.
Dr. Kevin Casey : If it's bink I can explain.
Dr. Kelso : It's not bink.
J.D. : Is it I come from the land down under, where women glow and men plunder? That wasn't me.
Dr. Kelso : Just figure it out, dammit!
Dr. Kelso : [leaves]
Dr. Kevin Casey : Do you plunder?
J.D. : I have been known to.
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J.D. : Hey there, research buddy!
Dr. Cox : We're only four seconds in and I'm already regretting my decision.
J.D. : [hits a bell] Things Jordan says during sex!
[drops giant stack of carefully sorted files]
J.D. : ... there's a good chance I'm gonna kill someone.
Dr. Cox : [hits a bell] Things you say when you talk to your patients.
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Bouncer : Okay, you're in.
J.D. : Word.
Bouncer : Uh! You're out.
Chris Turk : Let me handle this. Look man, homie here is a little out of his mizzle, so I'm just saying for just a little dizzle, if you let him up in this pizzle, he'll be all chizzle.
Bouncer : You out, too.
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[JD and Turk are trying, and failing, to reassure Elliot that they aren't obsessing over the orgasm she accidentally gave a patient during a pelvic exam]
J.D. : Elliot, come on, I have never heard a woman make sounds like "that".
Elliot : [smiling] Oh, I'm sure "you" haven't.
Chris Turk : [laughing] See, it's funny because you never really satisfied a woman!
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Dr. Kevin Casey : It's been four hours since my last surgery, I just can't stop washing my hands...
[grunts]
Dr. Kevin Casey : This is a secret... no one is suppose to know about this. Ok?
J.D. : Okay, no problem.
Dr. Kevin Casey : I just don't want to tell anyone, this is my problem, no one should ever burden it on someone else...
J.D. : [voice over] He was right, I couldn't do it...
Dr. Kevin Casey : You need help JD?
J.D. : No, nothing...
[voiceover]
J.D. : None of us needed help...
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J.D. : Oh, Mrs. Grodberg, JZILBEK is not a word
Mrs. Grodberg : But I'm still beating you...
J.D. : Well, I'm just glad your surgery went okay and you still have your A game. I don't really care who wins.
J.D. : [thinks] Half a brain, dammit!
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J.D. : Mr. Daniels, some fluid has gathered in your heart, so I'm going to schedule a pericardial centesis and drain it with a needle.
Mr. Daniels : Someone's going to stick a needle in my chest?
J.D. : Not just someone; Dr. Daman
Mr. Daniels : Who's Dr. Daman?
J.D. : ...Say it - -say it without the Dr.
Mr. Daniels : Who's Mr. Daman
J.D. : No, just say the last name.
Mr. Daniels : Who's Da Man?
J.D. : I'M THE MAN!
[laughs]
J.D. : It was awesome - it was fun doing that with you.
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[Turk explains Papa Smurf's version of leadership]
Chris Turk : Smurfination, smurfination, and smurf.
J.D. : Presentation, inspiration, and fear?
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Chris Turk : Let's play Steak.
J.D. : What?
Chris Turk : Steak. The first person to finish their steak is the winner of Steak.
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[Somebody streaked in the hospital]
Chris Turk : I know it wasn't you last night. Look I'm not proud of this but I can pick your puff and stuff out of a line-up
J.D. : He changed since the last time you saw him. He got a haircut.
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Elliot : C'mon peeps, let's go kick some sick patient ass.
[JD turns to Turk and Carla]
J.D. : And that my friends is one nerdy honky.
[Turk to Carla]
Chris Turk : That's two.
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J.D. : What do I know about good relationships? Yesterday I had funeral sex.
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[after sleeping with a widow]
J.D. : There are a lot of ways to grieve, but last time I checked, wheelbarrow style wasn't one of them.
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[Carla has stood up for JD against Dr Cox]
Dr. Cox : Oh, and Ginger, by the way - just a real smooth move runnin' to your mommy.
J.D. : Excuse me?
Dr. Cox : Yeah, your mommy cah-rushed me today. I'm serious.
[to the various doctors and patients in the busy hospital]
Dr. Cox : Uh, I'd like to issue a warning to everybody, and I'm dead serious. FYI, JD's mommy has made it perfectly clear she doesn't want her daughter picked on. Nothing mean, she's a precious flower, and we should all be super-nice to her.
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J.D. : Elliot, come on. You're living out of a van like a homeless person... or Jewel.
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J.D. : [to himself, as Dr. Cox stands next to him at a urinal] Okay, just act natural. (out loud) Hey, Dr. Cox. Takin' a whiz?
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Chris Turk : Awww... Where's my lucky Tabasco do-rag?
J.D. : Why don't you use Power Rangers?
Chris Turk : How are Power Rangers as lucky as Tabasco?
J.D. : Do you remember when communications with Zordon went down and the Megazord was destroyed?
Chris Turk : How did I miss that episode? Oh, right. I was making love to a woman!
J.D. : Power Rangers ho!
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[mimicking Dr. Cox in front of him]
J.D. : [whistles] Here's the deal, Eleonore. We're gonna go ahead and get a full work-up on this guy. So while drop an NG2 and do a gastric lavage, why don't you go ahead and get an order order on EKG with cardio-bio-markers? If you need to know where those are, they are on page 37 of the Ann Teller catalogue, right next to that salmon cable-knit sweater you wanted for so long but haven't had the courage to order, because you worried the weave is so thin, your nipples just might go ahead and peak their pink selves through! Isn't that right, Dr. Cox? Dr. Cooox!
Dr. Cox : [mimicking the J.D. daydream stare] Uhm, I'm sorry. Here I was in my own little world, talking to myself, dreaming about candy bracelets.
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Elliot : I have a huge bunion. Sean's coming back in, like, a few weeks what am I supposed to do?
J.D. : Well, I think the obvious answer is to draw Sean's face on it and tell him you grew it because you missed him.
Chris Turk : *Or,* it's a simple surgery.
J.D. : Uhhh, Turk, I think we've already decided on bunion-face!
Elliot : Cut me the hell up.
J.D. : Dammit!
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J.D. : Hey, where's my fuzzy for my 3 wood?
Chris Turk : [naked] It's on my 9 wood.
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J.D. : [thinking] Oh, my God, I just said slave to my black girlfriend!
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J.D. : What an odd-sized explosion...
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J.D. : Oh my God, the janitor's afraid of Carla! How can I use this to my advantage?
[Cut to a fantasy where Carla is confronting the janitor]
Carla : Listen, I want you to lay off J.D.! Stop accusing him of things he didn't do. And bring him a fruit smoothie every day!
Janitor : [In Spanish] Would he like strawberry or banana?
Carla : [In Spanish] ... Purple tree car with cheese.
Janitor : [In Spanish] LIAR!
[He removes her mask, revealing J.D]
J.D. : Feliz Navidad...
[He retreats. Cut back to reality]
J.D. : I'd have to learn Spanish.
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J.D. : Ahh. Uncomfortable silences and alcohol. Just like thanksgiving at home...
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[referring to a huge influx of patients because of a news report on E.coli]
J.D. : What the hell are we supposed to do?
Dr. Cox : Loretta, relax. I've been involved in every ridiculous TV induced panic there is - poison pills, SARS, West Nile, North Face, South Fork, East River, Monkeypox, pop rocks, toilet snakes, Mad Cow, Bird Flu, Swine Flu, and quite frankly every other flu that you could really only catch if you actually fornicated with the animal it's named for. And as a parting gift, I will tell you this - narrow it down to two symptoms; vomiting and diarrhea. Cause it's just not E.coli unless
[walking away, miming]
Dr. Cox : it's firing out of both exits.
J.D. : [to Elliot] Certainly hope I don't have Dog Flu.
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[classroom full of residents are unruly and not paying attention to Dr. Cox. The entire room suddenly becomes silent at the sight of Dr. Cox fuming]
J.D. : Uh-oh.
Dr. Cox : First off, let me just say, thank you. For the last couple of months I have been adrift in a sea of puppy dogs, lollypops, and lets face it, mediocre metaphors. Luckily, you people were kind enough to piss all over learning a procedure that could determine whether some poor sucker lives or dies, and that reminded me of something that I wanted to remind you of. Because you see I
[pointing at self]
Dr. Cox : am accountable. I am accountable for the continuous, crashing, undeniable amateurism that you people drag into this hospital day in and day out. And believe you me when I tell you that the next time one of you perpetual disappointments doesn't even have the common decency to try and do better at something you supposedly do, I will go ahead and toss your sorry ass outa here in about ten seconds and then I will forget you forever in the next five.
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J.D. : [after learning Kylie has a boyfriend] Ahh! I can't believe it's over.
Chris Turk : Dude, it might not be that serious. There might be a window, but you have to get in there and fish for information.
[getting more excited]
Chris Turk : Okay, you do *not* want to lose this hottie! She is a slamming hottie! And you do not...
Carla : Turk...
Chris Turk : Sorry.
J.D. : I got this. Baby, you know you're his world!
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Dr. Cox : The man's 92 years old, he has full dementia, he doesn't even know we're here. He is inches from Carla's rack and he hasn't even flinched.
Carla : Aw, that is so sweet.
Dr. Cox : Yeah, it is...
J.D. : What about his subconscious?
Dr. Cox : [leaning down to the patients ear] Eisenhower... was a sissy.
[he rears back and puts his dukes up. Nothing happens. He turns to JD]
Dr. Cox : I think, by the grace of God, we're gonna be okay. Oh, and from now on, whenever I'm in the room, you're definitely not allowed to talk.
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J.D. : [to his interns] Now... that tumor's looking so big... it's beginning to look like a threemor...
[laughs stupidly]
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J.D. : [J.D refused to watch over a patient, resulting in Dr Cox being unable to go to a dinner with his ex-wife. He sees Jordan approaching]
[voice over]
J.D. : Oh no! If Jordan finds out it was me who screwed up her date she'll give me the evil eye and twist my nipples off.
J.D. : [she gives him the evil eye]
[voice over]
J.D. : Oh no, she knows!
[his hands fly to his nipples]
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J.D. : You think Turk would like it if I started calling him 'my brother'?
Carla : I don't know.
[Turk passes by]
J.D. : Catch you later... my brutha.
Chris Turk : I'll holla.
J.D. : [to Carla] He said, he'll holler...
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Elliot : Kevin left. Didn't even say goodbye.
J.D. : Elliot, he didn't say goodbye to a lot of people. Just me, Dr. Cox, Carla, Doug, Snoop Dogg Intern...
Snoop Dogg Intern : Where my hoes at?
J.D. : I haven't seen them.
