Denis Leary: Lock 'N Load (1997 TV Special)

Denis Leary: Self

Quotes 

• Denis : Lord of the Dance? Who has the balls to call himself the Lord of anything? Last guy called himself Lord on this planet was crucified, Michael, okay? And we know where the hammer and the nails are.

• Denis : Is it impossible to get a cup of coffee-flavored coffee? You can get every other flavor except coffee-flavored coffee! They got mochachino, cappuchino, frappachino, Al Pacino, what the fuck? www.what the fuck.com!

• Denis : Oh yeah jerking off is like an aerobic thing for me now man, I'm 40, I do it everyday, I do it everyday. Hell, I've even gone beyond porno, I'm back to regular network t.v.

• Denis : I actually gave up coffee for a while. It reached that point. I said, "You know what, I'm not going to have a heart attack arguing with some 18 year old haiku-writing motherfucker in a Starbucks, okay? It's just not going to happen!" That would be my luck.

  [Quickly imitates arguing, clutching his chest, and dropping dead] 

  Denis : [as the Starbucks barista talking with the police and/or his manager]  He just came in here and was yelling at me about "coffee-flavored coffee", whatever the hell that is, and he also called me a "haiku-writing motherfucker". I'm glad he's dead. I really am.

• Denis : So let me get this straight. God talks to Benny Hinn, he talks to Jimmy Swaggert, he talks to wide receivers and defensive linemen, but I was an altar boy for 8 years, I memorized the Latin fuckin mass, and you know what? I never heard a word from the guy! Not a phone call! Not a note! But apparently he talks to Reggie White every Saturday night before the big game on Sunday, because as we all *know*, God is a huge Green Bay fuckin Packers fan, right? You know what, I quit! It's over! I'm starting my own church! BUH-BYE!

• Denis : [about people thinking they see the Virgin Mary in mundane places]  Believe me, she has a big enough budget. She's not going to appear on the face of a fuckin' blueberry muffin. She'll show up on "Air Force One" right before Harrison Ford's big closeup. She'll pop up on the screen and go, "Hey! Stop putting shit in the coffee!"

• Denis : I have actually come to love Hanson, and I'll tell you why. Because they are gonna crash and burn so hard it's gonna be fucking great!

• Denis : My foreign policy? Fuck you! My domestic policy, FUCK YOU!

• Denis : Another thing when I'm president? If you're in the army, the navy, any branch of the armed forces... you can fuck whoever you want!

• Denis : Don't buy the toys that make the noise!

• Denis : Behind the counter, another eighteen-year-old kid. Both ears-pierced. Both nostrils-pierced. Both eyebrows fucking pierced! And his tongue is hanging out, you know why his tongue is hanging... cuz he has a six-inch steel stud imbedded in the middle of it! That's just one more thing for your dad to grab a hold of when he's pissed off at you.

• Denis : We have some fat fucking people in this country, don't we?

• Denis : I know I'll never have a weight problem, you know why? First morning I wake up and can't see my dick? I STOP EATING!

• Denis : I've good kids, I love my kids. I try to bring them up the right way, not spanking them. I find that I don't have to spank them. I find that waving the gun around pretty much gets the same job done!

• Denis : Wake the fuck up and smell the maple nut crunch!

• Denis : When I become president, all you assholes that ride bikes in the city? Lock and load! You're going down!

• Denis : Marv, Marv, Marv. Marv, this is God, what the HELL were you thinking?

• Denis : And you can't smoke in any of this coffee places. Can't smoke at Starbucks, can't smoke in Dunkin' Donuts... I'm pretty sure coffee was invented by people who were smoking anyways. And they just wanted to invent something so they can stay up late and SMOKE FUCKIN' MORE! That's my theory. Just ask me or Columbo, he'll back me up on this one.

• [last lines] 

  Denis : Sin is in, and so we begin...

• Denis : Does anyone have a home entertainment system? If you don't, go out and get it right now. It's got everything! Big screen TV, surround sound, subwoofer so when you watch Jurassic Park the floor shakes, VCR, DVD, laserdisc, and all the other things you don't know what the hell it is but it looks fuckin' GREAT! All shiny... Had it for eight hours. Actually, technically four hours 'cause the guy took four hour to install it, so a grand total of eight hours.

• Denis : I put the kids to bed and I rent a copy of Apocalypse Now! Yeah! Dennis Hopper hopped up on coke in 5.1 surround? Fuckin' awesome! So I go to put the tape in, clang clang clang, it won't go in! I reach into the VCR... Peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Peanut butter and jelly SANDWICH! Now... I would like to think that I do not have retards in my family bloodline. I'm hoping it wasn't as stupid as "Nom Nom Nom oh, this goes here." I'm hoping it was more thought out, like "Hey, maybe if I put the sandwich in the VCR, I can watch the peanut Butter and Jelly Movie! Then I can really hear the crunchy parts!"

• Denis : So I wake everybody up and have a big People's Court session down in the living room. I'm your host Ed Kotch! Exhibit A the VCR, Exhibit B the sandwich. Anybody have any ideas? I get a sea of dumbfounded faces. Then Jack, my oldest steps forward. He goes "Dad... Maybe... The sandwich was flyin' around the room, you know, just flyin' around the room, and then Central Control called it and told it to dock in the VCR"... NO! SANDWICHES DO NOT DOCK! Pull up your pants.

• [repeated line] 

  Denis : Pull up your pants!

• Denis : I am the Lord of the Dance! Fuck Michael Flatley, it's ME!