This Morning with Richard Not Judy (1998–1999)

Kevin Eldon: Judas Iscariot, Simon Quinlank, The Actor Kevin Eldon, The False Rod Hull, The Unusual Priest, Various Roles

Quotes 

• The Unusual Priest : A young man came up to me the other day and said "What will my friends say when I tell them that I am a Christian?" "Oh my poor young fellow," I replied, "they will say you are a nerd, and a wally, and a fruitcake, and they will call you a brainless, foolish spamoid, and they will take down your trousers in the playground in front of all the girls, and they will rub sticky lollipops into your hair and then run away laughing, laughing, laughing. But later, when you become a famous TV Vicar, they will regret their foolishness."

• The Unusual Priest : The fool said "Which band is it you like, is it 'Blur' or 'Oasis'?" Ah my young fool, I said, the only band I sing along to is Jesus! "Yeah, but do you like Blur or Oasis?" he persisted. And I said, Young Fool, in the Pop Charts of my Heart Jesus is always Number One! And he put me in a headlock and said "No, but really, I'm not messing about, do you like Blur or Oasis?" And I said "Ouch! You're hurting me! Okay, I like Oasis!" "Oh well that's alright then," he said, and walked away. And as he walked away I whispered "No, actually it's Jesus!" He did not hear...

• The Unusual Priest : And I did beat upon my manhood crying "Out Demon, Out!" And then my seed did spill upon the ground, and I was sore ashamed. Anyway, then I got off the bus...

• The Unusual Priest : The fool said "If God is Good, then why do Bad Things happen?" And I said "Bllubububpftt!"

• The Unusual Priest : Open a pack of biscuits and you shall find biscuits therein. Open the heart of a man with no love for the Lord, and there shall be no biscuits for tea. Only Blood. Lots of Blood. So much Blood...

• The Unusual Priest : The Bible teaches that Food is for the Stomach and the Stomach is for Food. It may seem obvious, but I thought I'd make sure.

• The Unusual Priest : Shall a horse be admitted unto Heaven? Yes! Shall a Zebra? Gladly! But a Quagga shall never be admitted. Do not question the Will of the Lord!

• The Unusual Priest : How can One born of Woman be Pure? Well, it's hard, but if you scrub long enough the stench will eventually fade...

• The Unusual Priest : God is better than any Banana by miles.

• The Unusual Priest : And when the Fool saw that he was wrong, his heart leapt!

• The Unusual Priest : When I needed a Neighbour, were you there, were you there? No, you were on Holiday in Portugal...

• The Unusual Priest : As far as you're concerned, I could be saying anything.

• The Unusual Priest : Jesus is my favorite beverage at every Elevenses.

• The Unusual Priest : Let us eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we will die! Literally!

• The Unusual Priest : Muslims! You are wrong and I am right. So c'mon and join our lot!

• The Unusual Priest : Jews. The Messiah HAS already come, and his name is Jesus. I'm going to give you one last chance to admit it, because there won't be any time later on.

• The Unusual Priest : He that hath knowledge spareth his words. I have nothing to add to that. Do you see what I'm implying? I can't say any more because he who hath knowledge spareth his words...

• The Unusual Priest : OH, THAT I HAD THE WINGS OF A DOVE! You weren't recording that, were you?