Chasing Amy (1997)
Ben Affleck: Holden
Photos
Quotes
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Alyssa : Why are we stopping?
Holden : 'Cause I can't take this.
Alyssa : Can't take what?
Holden : I love you.
Alyssa : You love me?
Holden : I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the-the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is-is-is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't-I can't look into your eyes without feeling that-that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, 'cause I've never felt this way before, and I-I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know, I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there's a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. And all I ask, please, is that you just - you just not dismiss that, and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I am forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.
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Silent Bob : [mumbling to Holden, who has just revealed his trouble with Alyssa] You're chasin' Amy.
Holden : [Shocked that Silent Bob has broken his silence] What? What did you say?
Silent Bob : You're chasing Amy.
Jay : What do you look so shocked for, man? Fat bastard does this all the time. He thinks just 'cause he doesn't say anything, it'll have some huge impact when he does open his fuckin' mouth...
Silent Bob : Jesus Christ, why don't you shut up? You're always yap-yap-yappin' all the time! You're givin' me a fuckin' headache.
[to Holden]
Silent Bob : I went through something like what you're talking about, a couple years ago with this chick named Amy.
Jay : When was this?
Silent Bob : [annoyed] A couple of years ago?
Jay : What, she live in Canada or something? How come I don't remember anyone with the name of Amy?
Silent Bob : Bitch, what you don't know about me I can just about squeeze in the Grand fucking Canyon. Did you know I always wanted to be a dancer in Vegas?
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Hooper : For years in this industry, whenever an African American character, hero or villain, was introduced - usually by *white* artists and writers - they got slapped with racist names that singled them out as Negroes. Now, my book, "White-Hatin' Coon," don't have none of that bullshit. The hero's name is Maleekwa, and he's a descendant from the black tribe that established the first society on the planet, while all you European motherfuckers were still hiding in caves and shit, all terrified of the sun. He's a strong role model that a young black reader can look up to. 'Cause I'm here to tell you, the chickens is coming home to roost, y'all. The black man's no longer gonna play the minstrel in the medium of comics and sci-fi fantasy. We keepin' it real, and we gonna get respect by any means necessary.
Holden : Ah, come on, that's a bunch of horse shit! Lando Calrissian was a black guy. You know. He got to fly the Millennium Falcon, what's the matter with you?
Hooper : Who said that?
Holden : I did! Lando Calrissian is a positive role-model in the realm of science-fiction/fantasy.
Hooper : Fuck Lando Calrissian! Uncle Tom nigger!
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Banky Edwards : Alright, now see this? This is a four-way road, okay? And dead in the center is a crisp, new, hundred dollar bill. Now, at the end of each of these streets are four people, okay? You following?
Holden : Yeah.
Banky Edwards : Good. Over here, we have a male-affectionate, easy to get along with, non-political agenda lesbian. Down here, we have a man-hating, angry as fuck, agenda of rage, bitter dyke. Over here, we got Santa Claus, and up here the Easter Bunny. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first?
Holden : What is this supposed to prove?
Banky Edwards : No, I'm serious. This is a serious exercise. It's like an SAT question. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first? The male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating dyke, Santa Claus, or the Easter bunny?
Holden : The man-hating dyke.
Banky Edwards : Good. Why?
Holden : I don't know.
Banky Edwards : [shouting] Because the other three are figments of your fucking imagination!
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Alyssa : You know, I didn't just heed what I was taught, men and women should be together, it's the natural way, that kind of thing. I'm not with you because of what family, society, life tried to instill in me from day one. The way the world is, how seldom it is that you meet that one person who just *gets* you - it's so rare. My parents didn't really have it. There were no examples set for me in the world of male-female relationships. And to cut oneself off from finding that person, to immediately halve your options by eliminating the possibility of finding that one person within your own gender, that just seemed stupid to me. So I didn't. But then you came along. You, the one least likely. I mean, you were a guy.
Holden : Still am.
Alyssa : And while I was falling for you I put a ceiling on that, because you *were* a guy. Until I remembered why I opened the door to women in the first place: to not limit the likelihood of finding that one person who'd complement me so completely. So here we are. I was thorough when I looked for you. And I feel justified lying in your arms, 'cause I got here on my own terms, and I have no question there was some place I didn't look. And for me that makes all the difference.
Holden : [pause] Well, can I at least tell people all you needed was some serious deep dicking?
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Jay : [as they get up to leave] Until then, keep your unit on you.
Holden : I'll try.
Silent Bob : No, no. "Do or do not. There is no try."
Jay : Knock that shit off, we got a bus to catch! Jedi bitch.
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Holden : Okay, I'm telling you, she's never even been with a guy, much less these two fucking zeroes.
Banky Edwards : I'm telling you the bitch could be a bigger fucking germ farm than that monkey in Outbreak.
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Holden : If this is a crush, I don't think I could take it if the real thing ever happened.
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Holden : Hey! Hey! Hey, would you wait a minute!
Alyssa : Get the fuck off me!
Holden : So, it's true right? Is that what you wanna hear? Is it?
Alyssa : Yeah, Holden, it's true. In fact everything you heard or dug up on me is probably true. Yeah, I took on two guys at once! You wanna hear some gems you might not have unearthed? I took a twenty six year old guy to my senior prom and left halfway through to have sex with him and Gwen Turner in the back seat of a limo. Or how about in college when I let Shannon Hamilton videotape us having sex, only to find out the next day he broadcast it on the campus cable station. They're all true, Holden. Didn't you know? I am the queen of suburban legend!
Holden : Did you somehow fuckin' fail to mention this to me? What the fuck's wrong with you? How could you do those things?
Alyssa : Easily! Some I did out of what I thought was love. But good or bad, those are my choices, and I am not making apologies for them now! Not to you, or not to anyone! And how dare you lay a guilt trip on me about it, in public, no less? Who the fuck do you think you are, you judgemental prick?
Holden : How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this?
Alyssa : How are you supposed to feel about it? Feel whatever the fuck you want to about it, all right? The only thing that matters is how you feel about me.
Holden : I don't know how I feel about you right now.
Alyssa : Why? Why? Because I had some sex?
Holden : Some sex?
Alyssa : Yes, Holden, that's al it was, some sex. Most of it stupid High School sex. Like you never had sex in High School.
Holden : Alyssa, there is a world of fucking difference between typical High School sex and getting fucked by two fucking guys at the same time! They fuckin' used you!
Alyssa : No! I used them! You don't think I would've let it happen if I hadn't' wanted to, do you? I was an experimental girl for Christ's sake! Maybe you knew early on that your track was from point A to B, but unlike you I was not given a fucking map at birth, so I tried it all! That is until we, that's you and I, got together and suddenly I was sated! Can't you take some fucking comfort in that? You turned out to be all I was looking for, the missing piece in the big fucking puzzle. Look, I'm sorry that I let you believe you were the only guy I had ever been with. I should have been more honest. But it just didn't- it seemed to make you feel special in a way that me telling you over and over again how incredible you are just wouldn't get across. Holden, I'm sorry.
[she cries in his jacket]
Holden : [he pushes her away] Just don't do that.
Alyssa : Do you mean to tell me that, while you have zero problem with me sleeping with half the women in New York City, you have some sort of half-assed mealy-mouthed objection to pubescent antics that took place almost ten years ago? What the fuck is your problem?
Holden : I want us to be something that we can't be.
Alyssa : And what's that?
Holden : A normal couple.
Alyssa : [screaming] Fuck!
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Jay : Come on, man. I know people who know people.
Holden : You sound like Barbra Streisand.
Jay : [about Silent Bob] That's because I got this tubby bitch playing her "Greatest Hits" tape in my ear all the time. You gotta see him, man, when she starts singing that uh... "You Don't Bring Me Flowers", this faggot starts crying like a little girl with a scraped knee and shit. Big fucking softie.
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Banky Edwards : What is it about this girl man? You know you have no shot at getting her into bed. Why do you bother wasting time with her? Because you're Holden fucking McNeil, the most persistent traveler on the road that's *not* the path of least resistance. Everything's gotta be a fucking challenge for you and this little relationship with that *bitch* is a prime example of your fucking condition. Well, I don't need a magic 8-ball to look into your future. You want a forecast? Here, will Holden ever fuck Alyssa? Oh, what a shock, "Not fucking Likely." This relationship is affecting you, our work and our friendship and the time's gonna come when I throw down the gauntlet and say it's me or her. Then what are you gonna say?
Holden : I think you should let this one go.
Banky Edwards : No, what would you say? Would you trash twenty years of fucking friendship because you got some idiotic notion that this chick would even let you sniff her panties, let alone fuck her?
Holden : Look fucking asshole, I'm telling you, okay, let it go!
Banky Edwards : What the fuck, man! What the fuck makes this bitch all that important?
Holden : 'Cause I'm fucking in love with her, man, okay?
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Banky Edwards : I just have to get something.
Holden : Look, man, we miss this train, I'm gonna shitcan you and just hire Charles Schulz.
[Banky pulls out a huge stack of porno books]
Holden : Oh my God. Who are you, Larry fucking Flynt? What are you gonna do with all of those?
Banky Edwards : Read the articles. What do you think I'm gonna do with them? They're stroke books, stupid!
Holden : You've got like thirty books there! We're only going to be gone for two days!
Banky Edwards : Variety's the spice of life. I like a wide selection. Sometimes I'm in the mood for nasty close-ups, sometimes I like them arty and air-brushed. Sometimes it's a spread brown-eye kind of night, sometimes it's girl-on-girl time. Sometimes a steamy letter will do, sometimes - not often, but sometimes - I like the idea of a chick with a horse.
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Holden : How do you manage to get away with this all the time? I mean, shouldn't the cops be busting your head open right about now?
Banky Edwards : Wrong coast.
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[Banky is strangling the Collector]
Collector : You're mucking with a G, you fuckin' tracer.
Banky Edwards : I'll trace a chalk line around your dead fucking body, you fuck!
Holden McNeil : [to Security Guards] Will you get him out of here!
Collector : [as he's being dragged away by Security Guard] Hey wait a second! He jumped me, you fucking tracer!
Banky Edwards : YOUR MOTHER'S A TRACER!
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Alyssa : So your new book seems to be selling like mad.
Holden : It all goes back to something my grandmother told me when I was a kid. "Holden," she said, "the big bucks are in dick and fart jokes." She was a church-goer.
Alyssa : Uh-oh, the cry from the heart of a real artist trapped in commercial hell, pitying his good fortune. I'm sure you can dry your eyes on all those fat checks you rake in.
Holden : I'm sorry, did I detect a note of bitter envy in there!
Alyssa : Nope. I'm happy my stuff gets read at all. There's very little market for hearts and flowers in this spandex-clad, big pecs, big tits, big guns field. If I sell two issues, I feel like John Grisham.
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Holden : So, uh, what do you wanna do tonight?
Banky Edwards : I dunno. Get a pizza, watch "Degrassi Jr. High".
Holden : You got a weird thing for Canadian melodrama.
Banky Edwards : I got a weird thing for girls who say, "Aboot."
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Alyssa : I remember those guys used to come over to my house almost everyday after school. They'd bug my sisters, look through my dad's closet for porno tapes, raid the fridge. They really took advantage of my parents never being home. This one day, Rick pulled his dick out and started chasing me around the house with it! Right in front of Cohee, man! I couldn't believe it!
Holden : Rick pulled his dick out? Really? What did you do?
Alyssa : [yells] I blew him while Cohee fucked me!
Holden : Excuse me?
Alyssa : That's what you wanted to hear, isn't it? That's what this little cross-examination of yours is all about? God! Well, next time, try not to make it so obvious, alright? There's subtler ways of badgering a witness! Am I right?
Bystander : Jeez, man. Even I knew what you were getting at.
Alyssa : If you wanted some background information on me, Holden, all you had to do was ask. I would have gladly volunteered it. You didn't have to go playing Hercule-fucking-Poirot!
Bystander : [to his friend] I told you these were good seats!
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Holden : [on the phone] What's up? I'm about to get on a train.
Alyssa : Oh, why?
Holden : Last minute invite to the Boston Cup.
Alyssa : Shit.
Holden : What?
Alyssa : Well my sister's at my parents and I was gonna go see her.
Holden : The one that wrote the book?
Alyssa : Yeah. But I was staying all weekend, I wanted to hang out with you. This sucks.
Holden : You know, umm... both of us don't have to go.
Holden : Really?
Holden : Yeah. Banky can do this by himself. And you know, it's not like we're on panels. It's just a signing appearance.
Alyssa : If you come and pick me up, I'll be your best friend.
Holden : Where's your apartment?
-
Holden : You seemed weirded out back there.
Banky Edwards : That was my couch you were fucking on.
Holden : Sorry.
Banky Edwards : I wanted to watch some T.V. Hard to do when your best friend's wrapped around his naked rug muncher on your couch.
Holden : She had boxers on.
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Holden : I suppose you're both wondering why I asked you over here tonight.
Banky Edwards : I just figured you'd wanna tell her to fuck off with me here so you wouldn't have to go through the story again later.
Alyssa : Fuck you
Banky Edwards : Not even if you let me videotape it
Holden : I'm only going to tell you this once. Shut up.
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Fan : I love these guys! You know what? They're like Bill and Ted meet... Cheech and Chong!
Holden McNeil : Yeah. I-I kinda like to think of them as Rosencrantz and Guildenstern meet Vladimir and Estragon.
Fan : Yes!
[pause]
Fan : Who?
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Banky Edwards : How was your pseudo date?
Holden : Leave it alone.
Banky Edwards : That chick bugs me.
Holden : No, everyone bugs you.
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Banky Edwards : What the fuck is going on here?
Holden McNeil : I'm starting a new page?
[Banky grabs the pen out of Holden's hand and throws it]
Banky Edwards : Not with this shit, with you. What the fuck is going on with you and that girl?
Holden McNeil : We're just friends!
Banky Edwards : She's programming you!
Holden McNeil : I beg your pardon? Programming?
Banky Edwards : Yeah, and apparently you don't even fucking realize it!
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Holden : [after Banky just got into a fight with a fan for calling him a "tracer."] Can I explain the audience principle to you? If you insult and accost them, then we have no audience!
Banky Edwards : [shouting] He started it! Fucking cock-knocker! He's lucky I didn't put my pen through his thorax!
-
Holden : What are you doing?
Alyssa : Get in the car and get outta here!
Holden : You're gonna hitch to New York?
Alyssa : Yep!
Holden : Aren't you at least gonna comment?
Alyssa : Here's my comment: Fuck you!
Holden : Why?
Alyssa : That was so unfair. You know how unfair that was.
Holden : It's unfair that I'm in love with you?
Alyssa : No, it's unfortunate that you're in love with me! It's unfair that you felt the fuckin' need to unburden your soul about it. Do you remember for one fucking second who I am?
Holden : So? I mean, you know, people change.
Alyssa : Oh! Oh! it's that simple? You fall in love with me and want a romantic relationship. Nothing changes for you with the exception of feeling hunky-dory all the time. But what about me, Holden? It's not that simple, I just can't get into a relationship with you without throwing my whole fucking world into upheaval.
Holden : Listen, that's every relationship. There's always going to be a period of adjustment.
Alyssa : Period of adjustment? There is no
[hitting him]
Alyssa : *period of adjustment*, Holden! I am fucking gay!
[hitting him]
Alyssa : That's who I am, and you assume I can turn that around just because you've got a fucking crush?
Holden : If this is a crush I don't think I can take it if this real thing ever happened.
Alyssa : Go home, Holden.
-
[wanting to leave Meow Mix after learning Alyssa is gay]
Holden McNeil : We gotta beat that traffic, huh?
Banky Edwards : What traffic? It's 1:30 in the morning!
Holden McNeil : And rush hour starts in six hours. Let's go.
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Holden : Okay, I've had my finger up my ass. I wouldn't say I've had anal sex.
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Banky Edwards : Holden!
Holden : What?
Banky Edwards : Let's go!
Holden : You see that dent in the hood of your car?
Banky Edwards : [looks outside] Son of a bitch!
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Holden : You gotta respect that kind of display of affection, you know what I mean? Sure, it's crazy, it's rude, it's self-absorbed, but, uh, you know, it's love.
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Holden : [about Alyssa] She's never even been with a guy.
Banky Edwards : That's what she says.
