Chasing Amy (1997)
Alyssa: Why are we stopping?
Holden: 'Cause I can't take this.
Alyssa: Can't take what?
Holden: I love you.
Alyssa: You love me?
Holden: I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the-the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is-is-is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't-I can't look into your eyes without feeling that-that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, 'cause I've never felt this way before, and I-I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know, I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there's a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. And all I ask, please, is that you just - you just not dismiss that, and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I am forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.
Silent Bob: So there's me and Amy, and we're all inseparable, right? Just big time in love. And then four months down the road, the idiot gear kicks in, and I ask about the ex-boyfriend. Which, as we all know, is a really dumb move. But you know how it is: you don't wanna know, but you just have to, right? Stupid guy bullshit. So, anyway, she starts telling me about him... how they fell in love, and how they went out for a couple of years, and how they lived together, her mother likes me better, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah... and I'm okay. But then she drops the bomb on me, and the bomb is this: it seems that a couple of times, while they were going out, he brought some people to bed with them. Ménage à trois, I believe it's called. Now this just blows my mind, right? I mean, I am not used to this sort of thing. I mean, I was raised Catholic, for God's sake.
Jay: Saint Shithead.
[Silent Bob elbows him; Jay motions as if to start a fight]
Silent Bob: Do something.
Silent Bob: So I'm totally weirded out by this, right? And then I just start blasting her. Like... I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling, so I figure the best way is by calling her a slut, right? And tell her she was used. I'm... I'm out for blood. I really wanna hurt this girl. I'm like, "What the fuck is your problem?", right? And she's just all calmly trying to tell me, like, it was that time and it was that place and she doesn't think she should apologize because she doesn't feel that she's done anything wrong. I'm like, "Oh, really?" That's when I look her straight in the eye, I tell her it's over. I walk.
Jay: Fuckin' A!
Silent Bob: No, idiot. It was a mistake. I didn't hate her. I wasn't disgusted with her. I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small, like... like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level, like I'd never be enough for her or something like that, you know what I'm saying? But, what I did not get, she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was... she was looking for me, for the Bob. But, uh, by the time I figure this all out, it was too late, man. She moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But I pushed her away. So, I've spent every day since then chasing Amy... so to speak.
Hooper: Always some white boy gotta invoke the holy trilogy. Bust this: Those movies are about how the white man keeps the brother man down, even in a galaxy far, far away. Check this shit: You got cracker farm boy Luke Skywalker, Nazi poster boy, blond hair, blue eyes. And then you got Darth Vader, the blackest brother in the galaxy, Nubian god!
Banky Edwards: What's a Nubian?
Hooper: Shut the fuck up! Now... Vader, he's a spiritual brother, y'know, down with the force and all that good shit. Then this cracker, Skywalker, gets his hands on a light saber and the boy decides he's gonna run the fuckin' universe; gets a whole clan of whites together. And they go and bust up Vader's hood, the Death Star. Now what the fuck do you call that?
Banky Edwards: Intergalactic civil war?
Hooper: Gentrification! They gon' drive out the black element to make the galaxy quote, unquote, safe for white folks. And Jedi's the most insulting installment! Because Vader's beautiful black visage is sullied when he pulls off his mask to reveal a feeble, crusty, old white man! They tryin' to tell us that deep inside we all wants to be white!
Banky Edwards: Well, isn't that true?
[Hooper pulls out his gun, shoots Banky]
Silent Bob: [mumbling to Holden, who has just revealed his trouble with Alyssa] You're chasin' Amy.
Holden: [Shocked that Silent Bob has broken his silence] What? What did you say?
Silent Bob: You're chasing Amy.
Jay: What do you look so shocked for, man? Fat bastard does this all the time. He thinks just 'cause he doesn't say anything, it'll have some huge impact when he does open his fuckin' mouth...
Silent Bob: Jesus Christ, why don't you shut up? You're always yap-yap-yappin' all the time! You're givin' me a fuckin' headache.
Silent Bob: I went through something like what you're talking about, a couple years ago with this chick named Amy.
Jay: When was this?
Silent Bob: [annoyed] A couple of years ago?
Jay: What, she live in Canada or something? How come I don't remember anyone with the name of Amy?
Silent Bob: Bitch, what you don't know about me I can just about squeeze in the Grand fucking Canyon. Did you know I always wanted to be a dancer in Vegas?
Hooper: For years in this industry, whenever an African American character, hero or villain, was introduced - usually by *white* artists and writers - they got slapped with racist names that singled them out as Negroes. Now, my book, "White-Hatin' Coon," don't have none of that bullshit. The hero's name is Maleekwa, and he's a descendant from the black tribe that established the first society on the planet, while all you European motherfuckers were still hiding in caves and shit, all terrified of the sun. He's a strong role model that a young black reader can look up to. 'Cause I'm here to tell you, the chickens is coming home to roost, y'all. The black man's no longer gonna play the minstrel in the medium of comics and sci-fi fantasy. We keepin' it real, and we gonna get respect by any means necessary.
Holden: Ah, come on, that's a bunch of horse shit! Lando Calrissian was a black guy. You know. He got to fly the Millennium Falcon, what's the matter with you?
Hooper: Who said that?
Holden: I did! Lando Calrissian is a positive role-model in the realm of science-fiction/fantasy.
Hooper: Fuck Lando Calrissian! Uncle Tom nigger!
Alyssa: You know, I didn't just heed what I was taught, men and women should be together, it's the natural way, that kind of thing. I'm not with you because of what family, society, life tried to instill in me from day one. The way the world is, how seldom it is that you meet that one person who just *gets* you - it's so rare. My parents didn't really have it. There were no examples set for me in the world of male-female relationships. And to cut oneself off from finding that person, to immediately halve your options by eliminating the possibility of finding that one person within your own gender, that just seemed stupid to me. So I didn't. But then you came along. You, the one least likely. I mean, you were a guy.
Holden: Still am.
Alyssa: And while I was falling for you I put a ceiling on that, because you *were* a guy. Until I remembered why I opened the door to women in the first place: to not limit the likelihood of finding that one person who'd complement me so completely. So here we are. I was thorough when I looked for you. And I feel justified lying in your arms, 'cause I got here on my own terms, and I have no question there was some place I didn't look. And for me that makes all the difference.
Holden: [pause] Well, can I at least tell people all you needed was some serious deep dicking?
Banky Edwards: [to Alyssa] Since you like chicks, right, do you just look at yourself naked in the mirror all the time?
Jay: So why the long face, Horse? Banky on the rag?
Holden: I'm just, ahh, I'm just havin' a little girl trouble.
Jay: Bitch pressin' charges? I get that a lot.
Banky Edwards: Alright, now see this? This is a four-way road, okay? And dead in the center is a crisp, new, hundred dollar bill. Now, at the end of each of these streets are four people, okay? You following?
Banky Edwards: Good. Over here, we have a male-affectionate, easy to get along with, non-political agenda lesbian. Down here, we have a man-hating, angry as fuck, agenda of rage, bitter dyke. Over here, we got Santa Claus, and up here the Easter Bunny. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first?
Holden: What is this supposed to prove?
Banky Edwards: No, I'm serious. This is a serious exercise. It's like an SAT question. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first? The male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating dyke, Santa Claus, or the Easter bunny?
Holden: The man-hating dyke.
Banky Edwards: Good. Why?
Holden: I don't know.
Banky Edwards: [shouting] Because the other three are figments of your fucking imagination!
Banky Edwards: I just have to get something.
Holden: Look, man, we miss this train, I'm gonna shitcan you and just hire Charles Schulz.
[Banky pulls out a huge stack of porno books]
Holden: Oh my God. Who are you, Larry fucking Flynt? What are you gonna do with all of those?
Banky Edwards: Read the articles. What do you think I'm gonna do with them? They're stroke books, stupid!
Holden: You've got like thirty books there! We're only going to be gone for two days!
Banky Edwards: Variety's the spice of life. I like a wide selection. Sometimes I'm in the mood for nasty close-ups, sometimes I like them arty and air-brushed. Sometimes it's a spread brown-eye kind of night, sometimes it's girl-on-girl time. Sometimes a steamy letter will do, sometimes - not often, but sometimes - I like the idea of a chick with a horse.
Holden: If this is a crush, I don't think I could take it if the real thing ever happened.
Jay: What's that shit he's got us saying?
Silent Bob: Oh, umm... "Snootchie Bootchies."
Jay: Snootchie Bootchies. Who the fuck talks like that? That is fucking baby talk.
Banky Edwards: What is it about this girl man? You know you have no shot at getting her into bed. Why do you bother wasting time with her? Because you're Holden fucking McNeil, the most persistent traveler on the road that's *not* the path of least resistance. Everything's gotta be a fucking challenge for you and this little relationship with that *bitch* is a prime example of your fucking condition. Well, I don't need a magic 8-ball to look into your future. You want a forecast? Here, will Holden ever fuck Alyssa? Oh, what a shock, "Not fucking Likely." This relationship is affecting you, our work and our friendship and the time's gonna come when I throw down the gauntlet and say it's me or her. Then what are you gonna say?
Holden: I think you should let this one go.
Banky Edwards: No, what would you say? Would you trash twenty years of fucking friendship because you got some idiotic notion that this chick would even let you sniff her panties, let alone fuck her?
Holden: Look fucking asshole, I'm telling you, okay, let it go!
Banky Edwards: What the fuck, man! What the fuck makes this bitch all that important?
Holden: 'Cause I'm fucking in love with her, man, okay?
Alyssa: I love you, I always will. Know that. But I'm not your fucking whore.
Jay: [as they get up to leave] Until then, keep your unit on you.
Holden: I'll try.
Silent Bob: No, no. "Do or do not. There is no try."
Jay: Knock that shit off, we got a bus to catch! Jedi bitch.
Holden: How do you manage to get away with this all the time? I mean, shouldn't the cops be busting your head open right about now?
Banky Edwards: Wrong coast.
Banky Edwards: What does it matter if I refer to her as a dyke? Or if I call the Whalers a bunch of faggots in the privacy of my own office, far from the sensitive ears of the rest of the world?
Banky Edwards: I'm going to prove to you beyond the shadow of a doubt that Archie is all about pussy.
[about Banky's argument with his grade school religion teacher]
Alyssa: How bad could it have been?
Holden: Well, have you ever seen a nun call a small child a fucking cunt rag?
Holden: Okay, I'm telling you, she's never even been with a guy, much less these two fucking zeroes.
Banky Edwards: I'm telling you the bitch could be a bigger fucking germ farm than that monkey in Outbreak.
Holden: Oh no, here's the big test. Quick Stop.
Alyssa: My best friend fucked a dead guy in the bathroom.
Holden: You know that girl?
Alyssa: I did, before she was committed.
Holden: It all goes back to something my grandmother told me when I was a kid. "Holden," she said, "the big bucks are in dick and fart jokes." She was a church goer.
Alyssa: Fucking is not limited to penetration, Banky. For me it describes any sex, when it's not totally about love. I don't love Kim, but I'll fuck her. I'm sure you don't love every girl you sleep with.
Banky Edwards: Some of them I downright loathe.
Jay: [about Holden] Yo... look at this morose motherfucker here! Smells like someone shit in his cereal. Bonnnggggggg!
Holden: Man, what took you guys so long? Where were you at the mall again?
Jay: Bitch don't even start, alright. We stopped that shit years ago. Toss the salad.
Jay: Come on, man. I know people who know people.
Holden: You sound like Barbra Streisand.
Jay: [about Silent Bob] That's because I got this tubby bitch playing her "Greatest Hits" tape in my ear all the time. You gotta see him, man, when she starts singing that uh... "You Don't Bring Me Flowers", this faggot starts crying like a little girl with a scraped knee and shit. Big fucking softie.
Jay: [after the end credits] Man, why do you always have to tell that fucking gay story for?
Silent Bob: Shut up.
Jay: You shut up, you fat fuck.
Holden: So, uh, what do you wanna do tonight?
Banky Edwards: I dunno. Get a pizza, watch "Degrassi Jr. High".
Holden: You got a weird thing for Canadian melodrama.
Banky Edwards: I got a weird thing for girls who say, "Aboot."
Cohee Lundin: [Explaining how Alyssa's High-School nickname "Finger-Cuffs" came to be] Alyssa Jones? Shit I know Alyssa Jones, I mean I KNOW Alyssa Jones! Know what I'm sayin'? Me and Rick Darris used to hang around her house after school and shit cause her parents were like never home and shit. One day Rick just whips it out and starts rubbin it on her leg and shit, starts chasin her around the living room. I was dyin. But you know what the crazy bitch did? She drops to her knees and she just starts suckin him off. Right there in front of me, like I wasn't even there man. I almost died. But that's not the fucked up part. The fucked up part was Rick, man, right in the middle of it, he turns to me and he says 'Cohee!' Just like that, 'Co-Hee!' So I'm like, "Yo ill give it a shot." So I start pullin' her pants down and shit. All slow cause I'm figurin' any minute she's gonna turn around and belt me in the mouth and shit right? But yo check this shit out man. Shes all into it. She doesn't even try to stop me or nothin'. Shes all wet and shit and I just start going to work, Know what I'm sayin? Me and Rick are just going to town on this crazy bitch and shes just loving it, all moaning and shit, it was fucked up! So Ricks the one that came up with the nickname, cause that day she had us locked in tight from both ends like a pair of god-damned Chinese finger cuffs!
Banky Edwards: Now *that*, my friend, is a shared moment.
Alyssa: Let me ask you a question. Can men fuck each other?
Banky Edwards: What, are you asking for my permission?
Alyssa: In your estimation.
Banky Edwards: Sure.
Alyssa: So, for you, to fuck is to penetrate. You're used to the more traditional definition. You inside some girl you duped, jackhammering away, not noticing that bored look in her eyes.
Banky Edwards: Hey, I always notice that bored look in their eyes, alright?
Alyssa: So, you've never been curious about men?
Holden: Curious about men? Well, I always wondered why my father watched Hee Haw.
[while autographing a comic for a young fan, Hooper points at Holden]
Hooper: See that man right there? He the Devil, understand? Never take your eye off the man.
Hooper: Screw that "all for one" shit, alright? I gotta deal with being a minority in a minority of the minority, and nobody's supportin' my ass.
Hooper: Men need to believe that they're Marco Fucking Polo when it comes to sex.
Hooper: Archie was the bitch and Jughead was the butch. That's why Jughead wears that crown-looking hat all the time. He the king of queen Archie's world.
Jay: You gotta boil it down to the essentials. It's like Cube says, "Life ain't nothin' but bitches and money."
Holden: Thanks, guys. Just what I needed. Advice from the 'hood.
Jay: [to Holden] Bitch tasted life, yo, now she's settlin' for your boring, funny-book-makin' ass.
Banky Edwards: How should I sign this?
Little Kid: I don't want you to sign it, man. I want the guy that draws Bluntman and Chronic to sign it.
[snatches the comic away]
Little Kid: You're just a tracer.
Collector: Tell him, little shaver.
[Banky is strangling the Collector]
Collector: You're mucking with a G, you fuckin' tracer.
Banky Edwards: I'll trace a chalk line around your dead fucking body, you fuck!
Holden McNeil: [to Security Guards] Will you get him out of here!
Collector: [as he's being dragged away by Security Guard] Hey wait a second! He jumped me, you fucking tracer!
Banky Edwards: YOUR MOTHER'S A TRACER!
Banky Edwards: What the fuck is going on here?
Holden McNeil: I'm starting a new page?
[Banky grabs the pen out of Holden's hand and throws it]
Banky Edwards: Not with this shit, with you. What the fuck is going on with you and that girl?
Holden McNeil: We're just friends!
Banky Edwards: She's programming you!
Holden McNeil: I beg your pardon? Programming?
Banky Edwards: Yeah, and apparently you don't even fucking realize it!
Holden: They fuckin' used you!
Alyssa: No! I used them! You don't think I would've let it happen if I hadn't've wanted to? Do you? I was an experimental girl for Christ sake! Maybe you knew early on that your track was from point A to B, but unlike you I was not given a fucking map at birth, so I tried it all! That is until we, that's you and I, got together and suddenly I was sated!
Banky Edwards: [showing one of his porno magazines to a kid at the train station] And then, Black Beauty couldn't take it any longer and he finally did some of his own mounting.
Holden: [after Banky just got into a fight with a fan for calling him a "tracer."] Can I explain the audience principle to you? If you insult and accost them, then we have no audience!
Banky Edwards: [shouting] He started it! Fucking cock-knocker! He's lucky I didn't put my pen through his thorax!
Hooper: So where's your better half?
Banky Edwards: Takin' a piss. The guy's got a bladder like an infant.
Hooper: That's funny. He says you're hung like an infant.
Banky Edwards: Does his mother tell him everything?
Alyssa: I remember those guys used to come over to my house almost everyday after school. They'd bug my sisters, look through my dad's closet for porno tapes, raid the fridge. They really took advantage of my parents never being home. This one day, Rick pulled his dick out and started chasing me around the house with it! Right in front of Cohee, man! I couldn't believe it!
Holden: Rick pulled his dick out? Really? What did you do?
Alyssa: [yells] I blew him while Cohee fucked me!
Holden: Excuse me?
Alyssa: That's what you wanted to hear, isn't it? That's what this little cross-examination of yours is all about? God! Well, next time, try not to make it so obvious, alright? There's subtler ways of badgering a witness! Am I right?
Bystander: Jeez, man. Even I knew what you were getting at.
Alyssa: If you wanted some background information on me, Holden, all you had to do was ask. I would have gladly volunteered it. You didn't have to go playing Hercule-fucking-Poirot!
Bystander: [to his friend] I told you these were good seats!
Comic Book Writer #1: I don't know. I love Chow Yun Fat. I just don't see him playing Madman.
Hooper: Wait, wait. There's something you should know.
Holden: She's got a boyfriend?
Hooper: Well, no.
Holden: Then what's to know, my friend? What's to know?
Alyssa: [to Holden] I like you, Holden. I haven't liked a man in a long time. And it's not because I'm a man hater or something like that. It's just been sometime that I've been exposed to a man that didn't immediately live into a stereotype of some sort. And I want you to feel comfortable with me, because I'd really like us to be friends.
Holden: [on the phone] What's up? I'm about to get on a train.
Alyssa: Oh, why?
Holden: Last minute invite to the Boston Cup.
Alyssa: Well my sister's at my parents and I was gonna go see her.
Holden: The one that wrote the book?
Alyssa: Yeah. But I was staying all weekend, I wanted to hang out with you. This sucks.
Holden: You know, umm... both of us don't have to go.
Holden: Yeah. Banky can do this by himself. And you know, it's not like we're on panels. It's just a signing appearance.
Alyssa: If you come and pick me up, I'll be your best friend.
Holden: Where's your apartment?
Holden: You seemed weirded out back there.
Banky Edwards: That was my couch you were fucking on.
Banky Edwards: I wanted to watch some T.V. Hard to do when your best friend's wrapped around his naked rug muncher on your couch.
Holden: She had boxers on.
Banky Edwards: [to Holden] You're way too conservative for that girl. She's been around and seen things we've only read about in books.
Jay: Holy fucking shit! Finger Cuffs? You're dating Finger Cuffs, you silly son of a bitch?
Jay: Kick her to the fuckin' curb, man. Bitches get to be too much trouble. There's always the band...
[He and Silent Bob hold up their right hands]
Jay: ... of the hand.
Holden: I want us to be something that we can't be.
Alyssa: And what's that?
Holden: A normal couple.
Fan: I love these guys! You know what? They're like Bill and Ted meet... Cheech and Chong!
Holden McNeil: Yeah. I-I kinda like to think of them as Rosencrantz and Guildenstern meet Vladamir and Estragon.
Banky Edwards: All every woman really wants, be it mother, senator, nun, is some serious deep-dickin'.
[Alyssa on the phone with Holden after she paged him]
Alyssa: One minute, five seconds; you are such my bitch.
Alyssa: Are you an authorized dealmaker in this establishment? Do you have the power to negotiate?
Cashier: You wanna haggle over the price of your French Dip?
[on his lovemaking approach]
Banky Edwards: You gotta handle it like CNN and the Weather Channel: constant updates.
Hooper: I need to sell the image to sell the book. I mean, would the audience still buy the whole black rage angle if they found out the book was written by a... you know...
Banky Edwards: Faggot?
Hooper: When you say it, it sounds so sexy.
Holden: Okay, I've had my finger up my ass. I wouldn't say I've had anal sex.
Banky Edwards: Holden!
Banky Edwards: Let's go!
Holden: You see that dent in the hood of your car?
Banky Edwards: [looks outside] Son of a bitch!
Alyssa: Since most of these people are rooting for the home team, I'm gonna cheer for the visitors. I'm a big visitors fan. Especially the kind that make coffee for ya in the morning before they go!
Alyssa: [about Holden's new comic, "Chasing Amy"] Looks like a very personal story.
Holden: I finally had something personal to say.
Banky Edwards: [playing video game] Fucking faggot, man! Did you *see* that? Your dyke-courting ass just got me scored on.
Hooper: I think it's more like Banky's having a real problem with all things not hetero right about now.
Holden: You gotta respect that kind of display of affection, you know what I mean? Sure, it's crazy, it's rude, it's self-absorbed, but, uh, you know, it's love.
Hooper: [waves a dollar at Banky] Here.
Banky Edwards: What?
Hooper: I want you to go down to the corner store, and buy yourself a clue.
Holden: Alyssa from last night Alyssa?
Hooper: How do you begin and end a question with the same word like that? You got skill.
Banky Edwards: Catholic school girls. The uniform's what does it for me. I wish I had've went with more Catholic school girls when I was a kid. As it stands I have no, "And then she unzipped her jumper," stories.
Banky Edwards: [to Holden] What did I tell you? She just needs the right guy.
Holden: So what did you do last night?
Alyssa: Got laid.
Holden: [Skee ball flies out of his hand and breaks a pinball machine]
Banky Edwards: How was your pseudo date?
Holden: Leave it alone.
Banky Edwards: That chick bugs me.
Holden: No, everyone bugs you.
Hooper: So what if it is true? Does it bother you?
Holden: Sex with multiple partners? At the same time?
Hooper: [gasps sarcastically]
Holden: I suppose you're both wondering why I asked you over here tonight.
Banky Edwards: I just figured you'd wanna tell her to fuck off with me here so you wouldn't have to go through the story again later.
Alyssa: Fuck you
Banky Edwards: Not even if you let me videotape it
Holden: I'm only going to tell you this once. Shut up.
[at a Skee-ball arcade]
Alyssa: And this is where you take straight chicks on dates.
Holden: What, are you kidding? This place is like Spanish Fly! This'll probably be the first time I don't score afterwards.
Alyssa: I don't know, I'm starting to feel a tingle in my bottom.
[wanting to leave Meow Mix after learning Alyssa is gay]
Holden McNeil: We gotta beat that traffic, huh?
Banky Edwards: What traffic? It's 1:30 in the morning!
Holden McNeil: And rush hour starts in six hours. Let's go.