Watermelon Man (1970)

Godfrey Cambridge: Jeff Gerber

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Dr. Wainwright : What's your wife's name?

  Jeff Gerber : Althea Jemima Gerber.

  Dr. Wainwright : You're kidding me. What are your children's names?

  Jeff Gerber : Beulah and Rastus. You're trying to prove that i'm a negro, and i'm trying to prove that i'm not!

• Bus Driver : Hey... ah, what happened to you man... uh, how come I never noticed you were colored before?

  Jeff Gerber : Because I was never colored before!

  Bus Driver : Oh, it happened just like that, huh?

  Jeff Gerber : Just like that!

  Bus Driver : Well, when you get back on the bus, just sit down and cool it - they don't love you, you know.

  Jeff Gerber : *Nobody* loves me - big deal!

  Bus Driver : Well just don't make any trouble.

  Jeff Gerber : Listen, I am *not* colored!

  Bus Driver : I know, I'm Spanish myself.

• Jeff Gerber : Sure is an even tan. What a great sunlamp. What a great nightmare about a great sunlamp.

  [opens his pajama bottoms and looks down] 

  Jeff Gerber : That's an old wives tale.

• Erica : Mr Gerber!

  Jeff Gerber : Get out of my way Erica unless you want to feel the wrath of my switchblade.

  Erica : I vould like to feel de wrath of your switchblade.

• Jeff Gerber : What happened to the flaming liberal I was married to?

  Althea Gerber : I'm still liberal, but to a point.

• Jeff Gerber : I would like to see Abe Lincoln about this equality bullshit.

• Jeff Gerber : Hello, palefaces! Come on girls, get back to work or you'll be back out on the streets working for *real* money.

• Jeff Gerber : Oh Lord, I've never been a religious man; I won't try to kid you about that. I don't go to church and I only pray when I'm feeling scared or rotten. I meant to pray last night - perhaps you're angry because I didn't. Anyway Lord, I'm in trouble now, which is why I'm trying to make contact. Please Lord, make it all be a terrific nightmare - and will you see a *nice* person come out of this shower! I want you to know that I am a true believer. There are no atheists in this shower! I'm praying now Lord - do you hear me? If you hear me, don't say or do anything...

  [pause] 

  Jeff Gerber : good. Okay Lord - I'm coming out now - and I wouldn't care if I gained twenty pounds... as long as I'm white.

• Jeff Gerber : I'm colored, Mr. Townsend. I'm a Negro.

  Mr. Townsend : Gerber, what the hell have you been doing - sitting under a sunlamp?

  Jeff Gerber : Oh that's the nicest thing you ever said to me, sir.

  Mr. Townsend : Did you get that tan in just the two days you were out?

  Jeff Gerber : Yes, yes I did - uh, the secret is soy sauce - lots and lots of soy sauce.

  Mr. Townsend : Don't you think you overdid it a bit?

  Jeff Gerber : Yes... yes I do, I really do. It - it was a frightening experience.

• Althea Gerber : Have something to eat?

  Jeff Gerber : Just chicken. Watermelon doesn't taste good to me unless it's freshly stolen.

• Althea Gerber : It is now post time.

  Jeff Gerber : Thank you, my dear. Off to another smash week in the insurance gig.

  Althea Gerber : I want you to know that I feel like I'm leading a boring life.

  Jeff Gerber : I am so advised.

• Counterman : Mornin' Mr. Gerber.

  Jeff Gerber : Aw, mornin' Joe, how goes it?

  Counterman : Oh, okay.

  Jeff Gerber : Any rioting in the neighborhood last night? I don't see any broken windows. What's the matter? This place ain't good enough to loot?

• Jeff Gerber : Hey, no offense about that looting remark.

  Counterman : Oh, no, Mr. Gerber.

  Jeff Gerber : I know you don't go for that sort of thing.

  Counterman : No, okay.

  Jeff Gerber : And, of course, if you did, it would be very hard for the police to identify you. I mean an hour later. All you cats look alike!

• Jeff Gerber : Hello there, Erica - you gorgeous hunk of Sveden.

  Erica : Norvay.

  Jeff Gerber : Norvay. Sveden. What difference does it make - as long as you're a blonde.

  [squeezes her bottom] 

  Jeff Gerber : Are you? I'm just curious. I mean, how many girls are really blonde all the way? Collars and cuffs.

  Erica : Excuse me, Mr. Gerber, but I must get back to my desk.

  Jeff Gerber : A dollar if you walk fast and stop short. Two dollars if you trot. Five dollars if you run and ten dollars if you're really a blonde.

• Althea Gerber : Aren't you concerned with the civil rights issue?

  Jeff Gerber : Yeah, sure. Most people are just crazy! They think that at any moment a negroes gonna hit them over the head with a watermelon and steal their high school ring.

  Althea Gerber : I think white people have to show greater interests and understanding.

• Althea Gerber : Are we gonna get ready for bed early tonight? It's Wednesday.

  Jeff Gerber : Wednesday? It's Monday!

  Althea Gerber : Let's pretend its Wednesday. Forget it. I'm going to bed. You'll know where to find me.

• Burton Gerber : You won't be racing the bus today?

  Jeff Gerber : Don't ever bring up the race issue again!

• Burton Gerber : Sure is a heck of a tan you got, Dad. You look like a colored man.

  Jeff Gerber : That's very good. Thank you, Burton. We could use you at the UN.

  Althea Gerber : Come on, kids. I'll get your dinner ready.

  Burton Gerber : What are we having?

  Jeff Gerber : Black-eyed peas, hominy grits, corn bread, ham hocks.

• Jeff Gerber : i want all the mirrors removed from this house, woman. That's a direct order from your husband, Othello.

• Counterman : Cool it, Jeff. That's why they don't want us in these places now.

  Jeff Gerber : Us? I'll sue the entire N.A.A.C.P. Look at my skin!

  Counterman : I don't have to look at your skin. I can look at my own.

• Althea Gerber : My mother always thought you were a little on the dark side. i mean, she never came right out and asked me.

  Jeff Gerber : Your mother is in no position to judge other people's races. The way her eyes slant up, my mother always thought she was Chinese.

  Althea Gerber : Silliest thing i ever heard.

  Jeff Gerber : Oh, yeah? Well, then how come her feet are so small? And - and how come whenever you asked her when she was born, she always says "the year of the dragon"? And how come she was always so anxious to - to wash my shirts? Does that sound like a white woman to you, huh?

  Althea Gerber : My mother has almond-shaped eyes.

  Jeff Gerber : So has Mao Tse-Tung! She eats too damn much rice. If you ask me, she's a member of the Red Guard.

  Althea Gerber : All right, Jeff, all right. But it isn't a Chinese issue we're discussing. We're discussing a negro issue.

  Jeff Gerber : It's a sun lamp issue!

• Jeff Gerber : What's the matter, fella? Ain't you never seen an Aztec before?

  Andy Brandon : What the hell have you done to yourself, Jeff?

  Jeff Gerber : How do you like my golden glow, Andy? Don't I look like a friggin' bronze god?

  Andy Brandon : That's not what they're sayin'.

  Jeff Gerber : I have it on no less an authority than D.J. Townsend that I have a glorious tan.

  Andy Brandon : I - I got to tell you, Jeff, if - if i didn't know you, I'd say...

  Jeff Gerber : Look, Andy, if you have inherent racial prejudice, that's your hang-up. I personally think I have a beautiful color.

• Althea Gerber : You look like a negro!

  Jeff Gerber : I know what I look like! Shut up!

  Althea Gerber : I mean, it's dark, I mean, I mean, if I didn't know you, if I...

  Jeff Gerber : Would you shut up, Althea.

  Althea Gerber : Oh! Oh, should I hide the money?

• Policeman : This man says he works for you.

  Mr. Townsend : Good grief. Gerber, is that you? Uh, yes, officer, he - he works for me.

  Policeman : Very well. I'll leave him in your charge. He stole something. We don't know what it is yet.

  Jeff Gerber : Brutality, brutality.

  Mr. Townsend : You can leave him with me, officer.

• Althea Gerber : You really think it's the sun lamp, don't you?

  Jeff Gerber : Oh, you'd like me to be colored, wouldn't you?

  Althea Gerber : Well, not really. But it would serve you right with that attitude of white supremacy.

  Jeff Gerber : Well, i didn't see you exactly run-in' over to hug and kiss me when you thought i was a negro.

  Althea Gerber : i was upset because i thought you were a stranger!

  Jeff Gerber : Oh, beans. if it was a white stranger who came out of that shower, you'd have humped him.

• Jeff Gerber : Make a list of all those articles that have been stolen. And any of you who have been raped, please report to the dispensary. Any of you who are interested in tap dancing, gospel singing, boxing lessons, please come into my office. Gladys?

• Jeff Gerber : [putting creams on face to lighten his skin]  Any change?

  Althea Gerber : No, but i don't imagine it would be immediate. i mean, i don't think any intelligent negro expects it to be immediate. don't be so militant.

  Jeff Gerber : It's different. I'm not militant, i'm white. I expect it to be immediate.

• Dr. Wainwright : I don't see how it could be the sun lamp. Anything unusual in your diet?

  Jeff Gerber : Crow. I've laid a lot of crow, Doc.

• Jeff Gerber : Hello, Althea? Guess who's coming to dinner?

• Jeff Gerber : [phone rings]  What do you think, right number or wrong?

  Althea Gerber : I don't care anymore. It's been ringing all day. Every bigot in this town is honing in on us.

• Jeff Gerber : I'm colored, Mr. Townsend. I'm a negro.

  Mr. Townsend : Gerber, what the hell have you been doing? Sitting under a sun lamp?

  Jeff Gerber : Oh, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me, sir.

  Mr. Townsend : Did you get that tan in just the two days you were out?

  Jeff Gerber : Yes, yes, I did.

• Jeff Gerber : [in bed]  I'm in need of some human affection.

  Althea Gerber : I understand, but not tonight, ok?

  Jeff Gerber : I hate to tell you this, but I'm beginning to feel just a little bit unloved. I mean, it may be old-fashioned, but where I come from, a guy's wife sticks real close to him in time of stress.

  Althea Gerber : Well, uh, not tonight.

  Jeff Gerber : Something I said?

  Althea Gerber : We could change sides if you'd like.

  Jeff Gerber : That's damn white of you.

• Jeff Gerber : You see that? You went higher. Now try eighty.

  Neighbor in Yellow Sweater : Seventy-five.

  Jeff Gerber : Oh, come on, I'll make more than that from my watermelon patch in just one year - not to mention the admission from the revival meeting.

  Neighbor in Yellow Sweater : Eighty.

  Jeff Gerber : Now try ninety. Unless, of course, you don't mind the smell of fried chicken and ham bones just wafting through your lovely neighborhood.

  Neighbor in Yellow Sweater : Ninety.

  Jeff Gerber : Oh, that sho' am a lot of money!

• Althea Gerber : You took advantage of them because you're colored.

  Jeff Gerber : How's that?

  Althea Gerber : Those people were our friends.

  Jeff Gerber : What should have I done, given them a discount?

  Althea Gerber : Pushing your way, just pushing, pushing, pushing. Is that the answer?

  Jeff Gerber : They wanted us out of the neighborhood.

  Althea Gerber : Where do you get that "us"? You, not us!

• Althea Gerber : It's very confusing. Forgive me. There's been a great deal of pressure on me lately. I mean, just answering the phone...

  Jeff Gerber : Well, I haven't been exactly winning any popularity contests myself!

  Althea Gerber : Well, it's different with you. You weren't liked before this happened. I was liked! Everybody liked me! Everybody!

• Jeff Gerber : I'm sorry, baby. I didn't realize you were under as much pressure as me. Let's forget it tonight. Because tonight, it's Wednesday. It's Wednesday. and I love you.

  Althea Gerber : No, it's Tuesday.

  Jeff Gerber : It's Wednesday.

  Althea Gerber : I'm sorry, Jeff. I have to get my bearings. It won't be Wednesday until - until I get my bearings. I-I-I'm going to go to sleep.

• Erica : Vill I see you tomorrow?

  Jeff Gerber : Oh, yeah, probably at the office. Probably I'll give you a pinch in the ass. You know, give you a little thrill.

• Dr. Wainwright : It's more apt to be something in your family lineage.

  Jeff Gerber : You mean like insanity?

  Dr. Wainwright : It's quite possible that somewhere in your lineage, there is a negro strain.

  Jeff Gerber : You're lookin' at a strained negro right now, Doc.

• Erica : Rape!

  Jeff Gerber : Bye, Erica.

  Erica : Rape! Rape!

• Dr. Wainwright : Jeff, i'm not one of those doctors who believes in keeping the truth from a patient. Did you know that the first man to die in an American war was a black man, Crispus Attucks? What i'm getting at is, Jeff, you're a negro.

  Jeff Gerber : When do you want to see me again?

  Dr. Wainwright : I don't think it's necessary.

• Walter - A neighbor : Your house is worth about $40,000 on the open market.

  Jeff Gerber : $37,000.

  Walter - A neighbor : Well, give or take...

  Jeff Gerber : $12 as soon as the word gets out that i'm a nigger.

• Erica : In Norvay, we have very few negroes.

  Jeff Gerber : Oh, well, uh, I'll tell my buddies, uh - then you'll have a lot of them in no time at all.

• Erica : The way a negro makes love - I can never make love to a white man again.

  Jeff Gerber : Well, I - I guess there'll be a few girls to take up the slack.

  Erica : Ve must make love every night and during lunch hours, every spare moment.

  Jeff Gerber : Yeah, well, i think we should take time off to vote.

  Erica : Vhere are you going? Is there voting now?

• Erica : There's something I didn't do?

  Jeff Gerber : Ah, no, uh, offhand, there's nothing I can think of that, uh, we forgot.

  Erica : Then vhy are you leaving?

  Jeff Gerber : Well, I can't expect you to understand, Erica.

  Erica : Explain. I vill try. I vill try anything to please you.

  Jeff Gerber : ok. try and understand that, uh, beauty is only skin deep. i want you to love me because of what i am, not because i'm a negro.

• Jeff Gerber : [answers the phone]  Hello?

  Bigot on phone : Jeff Gerber?

  Jeff Gerber : He's out bailing cotton. Can i take a message?

  Bigot on phone : Move out, nigger.

• Bus Driver : Fare please.

  Jeff Gerber : Arrogant. Arrogant. You're all arrogant. In the good old days, back in the old South, you would have to drive from back here! Get it? Back of the bus!

• Jeff Gerber : Sluts! Sluts! All of you, sluts! Next thing you know you'll be smoking cigarettes.

• Jeff Gerber : Is that all you watch? Race riots? What are you? Perverse?

  Althea Gerber : It's an important problem.

  [Jeff turns off the TV] 

  Althea Gerber : I was watching!

  Jeff Gerber : I'm gonna have my dinner without watching a bunch of uppity darkies jigging up and down on my TV screen.

• Jeff Gerber : Our house is worth $37,000 on the open market.

  Althea Gerber : That's nice!

  Jeff Gerber : That's 17% more than we paid for it.

• Jeff Gerber : Maybe I've been overdoing the sunlamp a bit.

  Althea Gerber : A bit! If you spend as much time in bed as you do under that sunlamp, maybe we would have more children.

  Jeff Gerber : This is no time to discuss additional children!

  Althea Gerber : No! I should say not. What would the neighbors think with a lot of half-colored kids running around.

  Jeff Gerber : I am not colored!

  Althea Gerber : Well, that's your story! When's the last time you looked in the mirror?

• Althea Gerber : Will you calm down. The children will be coming home from school soon and I don't want you getting them upset.

  Jeff Gerber : Upset? Wait until they find out they have a colored Daddy. Huh? Wait till I get down my knee and I sing Mammy.

• Jeff Gerber : Althea, I want my whiteness back!

• Jeff Gerber : These creams don't work. No wonder negroes riot. I mean, these are worthless hoaxes.

• Counterman : Hey, don't i know you from somewhere?

  Jeff Gerber : I'm Mr. Gerber. Jeff Gerber. Well, I ain't Gunga Din.

• Althea Gerber : [outside the bathroom]  Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! There's a negro in your shower!

  Jeff Gerber : [inside the bathroom]  It is not a negro!

  Althea Gerber : Yes! Yes! Yes! It is! It is! I saw it! Call the police! He'll kill us!

  Jeff Gerber : I am not a negro. I'm me!

• Counterman's Boss : Here, now, what's goin' on?

  Jeff Gerber : I'm gonna have this entire place shut down as a homosexual hangout.

• Receptionist : Mr. Gerber!

  Jeff Gerber : Well, it ain't Soy Sauce.

  Receptionist : What happened to you?

  Jeff Gerber : I'm pledging for a fraternity.

• Jeff Gerber : What color am I, Althea?

  Althea Gerber : Well, uh, let's see.

  Jeff Gerber : Tell me the truth, but tell me i'm white, Althea.

  Althea Gerber : You're white.

  Jeff Gerber : Oh, god.

  Althea Gerber : Dark white.

  Jeff Gerber : What?

  Althea Gerber : well, i'm sure you're white, but you're a little on the dark side.

  Jeff Gerber : Wait a minute. Get me to a mirror. Ahhhhh! I'm black! I'm black! I'm black! I'm black! I'm a nigger! I'm a nigger!

• Jeff Gerber : Hey, look, there must be some mistake.

  Doorman : Come on, move along.

  Jeff Gerber : Hey, hey, hey, I ask you, is this America? Is this America?

• Mr. Townsend : I tell you what, you run back to your office...

  Jeff Gerber : I can't run anywhere. they'll arrest me before i get halfway down the hall.

  Mr. Townsend : Go back to your office and wait there for me, i'll bring the statistics. They'll shock you.

  Jeff Gerber : I'll just shuffle along.

  Mr. Townsend : Uh, give me 15 minutes.

  Jeff Gerber : Oh, you don't have to hurry yourself over little old, poor little me, Mr. Townsend.

• Jeff Gerber : Unclean! Unclean! Beware the black scourge! Double trouble, boil in trouble! Take your children, gather them. Take them to the high ground!

• Althea Gerber : How did it go today?

  Jeff Gerber : Oh, it was the usual day. I was thrown out of one of the better clubs. I was picked up twice for purse-snatching.

• Counterman's Boss : I don't want any trouble. I've always gotten along well with members of your race. Ask Joe here.

  Jeff Gerber : I'm not negro. I'm Spanish!

• Althea Gerber : You hungry?

  Jeff Gerber : Yeah, I guess so.

  [Althea puts down some watermelon and fried chicken] 

  Jeff Gerber : What? Are you crazy? Is that supposed to be funny?

  Althea Gerber : I didn't realize until after...

  Jeff Gerber : Well, listen, Jemima, you're in this, too.

  Althea Gerber : Jemima?

  Jeff Gerber : Your middle name, baby.

  Althea Gerber : My middle name is Janine.

  Jeff Gerber : Oh?

  Althea Gerber : So don't you "Jemima" me, Jeff Gerber. If you've been keeping some racial secret about yourself from me, well, just don't you "Jemima" me!

• Jeff Gerber : [getting into bed with Althea]  Don't be frightened. It's just me, Black Bart.

• Dr. Wainwright : Perhaps we'll bump into each other again some day.

  Jeff Gerber : Maybe at the Newport Regatta.

• Neighbor in Yellow Sweater : We represent a group of people, Jeff, and we have the backing of three local banks. So we're prepared to offer you $50,000.

  Jeff Gerber : Oh, I do declare that sho' am a great pile of money!

  Walter - A neighbor : We'll sell your house to a good family and absorb the loss among ourselves.

  Jeff Gerber : Oh, my goodness! 50,000 samoleans! Heavens to Uncle Remus.

• Mr. Townsend : Gerber, w-w-what happened? If i didn't know you myself...

  Jeff Gerber : I'm black. I've become black. You ask anyone on the street, they'll say, "that man, he's black." mmm-hmm, sure, he's black."

  Mr. Townsend : Get hold of yourself.

  Jeff Gerber : Yowser. I'm gonna get a hold of myself. Yowser, boss.

  Mr. Townsend : You know, this could work to both our advantages.

  Jeff Gerber : Boss have heap big sense of humor.

  Mr. Townsend : Stop that foolish vaudeville routine and listen to me a minute. Look, I don't care what color you are. You're an intelligent, educated man and, damn it, Gerber, there is a whole market out there that has never even been approached by our company because we have never had a negro salesman. Why, you can make yourself a fortune. That negro insurance market is virtually untapped.

• Neighbor in Yellow Sweater : I think this is the best thing for everybody all around.

  Jeff Gerber : Oh, I think so, too. I was going to sell this house. I think the neighborhood's a bit too Jewish.

• Dr. Wainwright : It would seem logical that your parents would have said something to you about it.

  Jeff Gerber : They never called me a nigger. No matter how angry they got, They never called me a nigger.

• Jeff Gerber : I hate to tell you this, but you're supposed to be on my side! The marriage contract said, "till death do us part." It said that in black and white, I believe.

  Althea Gerber : When we got married, I had no idea it was going to be an interracial thing. You never told me!

  Jeff Gerber : Well, i just got wind of it myself. If i had known what was gonna happen, I would have put an escape clause in your marriage contract! "If my husband becomes a negro, all bets are off."

  Althea Gerber : How dare you be sarcastic with me? I'm the one who was compromised.

• Althea Gerber : Why do you insist on being negro?

  Jeff Gerber : I don't insist. i accept it! What would you have me do, dye my hair and insist I'm white? You know what I'd look like with blonde hair, Althea? Like a grilled cheese sandwich.

  Althea Gerber : Negro humor always escaped me.

  Jeff Gerber : Well, we're learning a lot about each other, aren't we?

  Althea Gerber : Yes, we are.

• Erica : Vhy are you leaving? Did I hurt you? Oh, my God, if i hurt you...

  Jeff Gerber : Such a great bang. But you're a bigot, Erica. A big, blonde bigot. So thank you, but no thank you.

  Erica : You black bastard!

  Jeff Gerber : You're really getting to it. My goodness, in no time at all, you'll qualify for American citizenship.

  Erica : Get out of here, you - you nigger!

  Jeff Gerber : Ah, by Jove, she's got it. I really think she's got it!