A Day at the Races (1937)
Groucho Marx: Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush
Photos
Quotes
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[Stuffy has grabbed some poison to drink]
Dr. Hackenbush : Hey, don't drink that poison! That's $4.00 an ounce!
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Dr. Hackenbush : Oh, well, uh, to begin with I took four years at Vassar.
Mrs. Upjohn : Vassar? But that's a girls' college.
Dr. Hackenbush : I found that out the third year. I'd 've been there yet, but I went out for the swimming team.
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[Dr. Hackenbush is pointing to a portrait of one of Judy's parents]
Dr. Hackenbush : You know, I proposed to your mother once.
Judy : But that's my father!
Dr. Hackenbush : No wonder he turned me down.
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Flo : I want to be near you. I want you to hold me. Oh! Hold me closer! Closer! Closer!
Dr. Hackenbush : If I hold you any closer, I'll be in back of you!
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[Taking a pulse]
Dr. Hackenbush : Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
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Whitmore : Just a minute, Mrs Upjohn. That looks like a horse pill to me.
Dr. Hackenbush : Oh, you've taken them before.
Mrs. Upjohn : Are you sure, Doctor, you haven't made a mistake?
Dr. Hackenbush : You have nothing to worry about. The last patient I gave one of those to won the Kentucky Derby.
Whitmore : May I examine this, please? Do you actually give those to your patients? Isn't it awfully large for a pill?
Dr. Hackenbush : Well, it was too small for a basketball, and I didn't know what to do with it. Say, you're awfully large for a pill yourself.
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Dr. Hackenbush : Emily, I have a confession to make. I really am a horse doctor. But marry me, and I'll never look at any other horse.
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Dr. Hackenbush : It's the old, old story. Boy meets girl - Romeo and Juliet - Minneapolis and St. Paul!
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[Tony offers Dr. Hackenbush a hint book]
Tony : One dollar and you'll remember me all your life.
Dr. Hackenbush : That's the most nauseating proposition I ever had.
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Flo : Oh, what is the meaning of this? Oh, why you little pest. Well!
Dr. Hackenbush : Say, what's the matter with you mugs?. Haven't you got any gallantry at all?
Tony : She's in with Whitmore. She's trying to frame you.
Dr. Hackenbush : I wouldn't mind framing her. A prettier picture, I've never seen.
Flo : Thank you.
Dr. Hackenbush : Thank yo.
Tony : Hey Doc! Doc, I'm tell you a secret - she's out to get you.
Flo : Why, I've never been so insulted in my life.
Dr. Hackenbush : Well, it's early yet.
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[Talking about Stuffy]
Tony : I think he's a ubangi.
Dr. Hackenbush : Well, I'll get a hammer and "ubangi" that right off.
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Tony : Hey doc, can you see us?
Dr. Hackenbush : If I can't there's something wrong with my glasses.
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Dr. Hackenbush : Here, boy. Here, boy, eh, take these bags and run up to my room and, eh, here's a dime for yourself.
Mrs. Upjohn : Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Eh, this is Mr. Whitmore, our business manager.
Dr. Hackenbush : Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Here's a quarter.
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[Hackenbush is asked to 'OK' a file]
Dr. Hackenbush : I'm too busy right now. I'll tell you what. I'll put the 'O' on now and come back later for the 'K.'
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Mrs. Upjohn : Dr. Hackenbush tells me I'm the only case in history. I have high blood pressure on my right side and low blood pressure on my left side.
Dr. Leopold X. Steinberg : There is no such thing. She looks as healthy as any woman I ever met.
Dr. Hackenbush : You don't look as though you've ever met a healthy woman.
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[Stuffy blows a balloon during a medical exam]
Dr. Hackenbush : If that's his Adam's-apple, he's got yellow fever.
Tony : He's got in-grown balloons.
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Flo : Oh doctor. Thank you.
Dr. Hackenbush : Thank "yu". Do you like gardenias?
Flo : I adore them. How did you know?
Dr. Hackenbush : I didn't, so I got you forget-me-nots. One whiff of this and you'll forget everything.
[Hackenbush hands her a wilted sunflower. He seats her and pushes in her chair at the table]
Flo : Thank you.
Dr. Hackenbush : Thank "yu".
Flo : [handing him her wrap] Do you mind?
Dr. Hackenbush : Not at all. I always take the wrap.
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Gil : Are you a man or a mouse?
Dr. Hackenbush : You put a piece of cheese down there and you'll find out.
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Dr. Hackenbush : [to Dr. Steinberg] Don't point that beard at me! It might go off!
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Tony : Have you got a woman in here?
Dr. Hackenbush : If I haven't, I've wasted 30 minutes of valuable time!
Tony : Well, you better get her out of here! This is the last time I'm going to tell you.
Dr. Hackenbush : The last time? Can I depend on that?
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Dr. Hackenbush : [examining Stuffy with an auriscope] I haven't seen anything like this in years. The last time I saw a head like that was in a bottle of formaldehyde.
Tony : Told you he was sick.
Dr. Hackenbush : [pointing to Stuffy's neck] That's all pure desecration along there. He's got about a 15% metabolism, with an overactive thyroid and a glandular affectation of about 3%.
Tony : That's bad.
Dr. Hackenbush : With a 1% mentality.
[Stuffy grins]
Dr. Hackenbush : He's what we designate as the crummy moronic type. All in all, this is the most gruesome looking piece of blubber I've ever peered at.
Tony : Hey doc. Hey doc!
Dr. Hackenbush : Huh?
Tony : You gotta the looking glass turned around, you're looking at yourself.
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Dr. Hackenbush : Here's a ten-dollar bill and shoot the change, will you?
Tony : I got-a no change. I'll have to give you nine more books.
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[Stuffy is getting an examination]
Dr. Hackenbush : Say "ah!"
[Stuffy opens his mouth, but says nothing]
Dr. Hackenbush : Louder!
[Stuffy does the same thing]
Dr. Hackenbush : Louder!
[Stuffy does the same thing. Dr. Hackenbush starts to leave]
Tony : What are you doing?
Dr. Hackenbush : I'm going to get my ears checked. I'm deaf.
Tony : You're not deaf. It's just him.
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[referring to Ms. Marlowe]
Dr. Hackenbush : You've got it all wrong. This is my aunt. She's come to talk over some old family matters.
Tony : I wish I had an aunt look like that.
Dr. Hackenbush : Well, take it up with your uncle.
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[after taking his watch from under Steinberg's gaze and tossing it in a wash basin]
Dr. Hackenbush : I'd rather have it rusty than missing.
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Dr. Hackenbush : And I've got a question for you: Steinberg, what do you do with your old razor blades?
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[Tony is selling Hackenbush one book after another at the race track]
Tony : Well, justa by accident I think I gotta one right here.
Dr. Hackenbush : A lotta accidents around here for a quiet neighborhood.
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Whitmore : The doctor seems reluctant to discuss his medical experiences.
Dr. Hackenbush : Well, medically, my experiences have been most unexciting. Except during the flu epidemic.
Whitmore : Ah, and what happened?
Dr. Hackenbush : I got the flu.
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Mrs. Upjohn : Surely, you don't question the Doctor's ability.
Whitmore : No, not exactly. But running a sanitarium calls for a man with peculiar talents.
Dr. Hackenbush : You don't have to look any further, I've got the most peculiar talents of any doctor you've ever met.
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Judy : I want to announce your association with the Sanitarium. We'll send your picture to all the papers.
Dr. Hackenbush : The Florida papers?
Judy : Yes. We want it for publicity.
Dr. Hackenbush : Publicity? Oh, we mustn't have any of that, Miss Standish. You know, the ethics of my profession.
Judy : But, we have to get new patients.
Dr. Hackenbush : Well, after all, the old patients were good enough for your father.
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Nurse : Doctor, the Turkish Bath.
[Hands him the phone]
Dr. Hackenbush : Hello. Yes, will you look in the steam room and see if my frankfurters are done?
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Flo : [Stuffy walks in wearing a Sherlock Holmes outfit and starts examining Flo's bare shoulder with a magnifying glass] Oh!
Dr. Hackenbush : If you're looking for my fingerprints, you're a little early!
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Whitmore : [In walk Tony and Stuffy, disguised as Doctors] Dr. Hackenbush, tell me, who sent for these men?
Dr. Hackenbush : You don't have to send for them. You just rub a lamp and they appear.
Tony : My name is Steinberg.
[Goes to shake Dr. Steinberg's hand]
Dr. Hackenbush : Dr. Steinberg, by a strange coincidence, this is another Dr. Steinberg. May I take my great friend and introduce my colleagues and good friends, another Dr. Steinberg. This is a Dr. Steinberg, Dr. Steinberg. Dr. Steinberg. And a Mrs. Steinberg. And Doctor, I'd like you to meet another Dr. Steinberg. And, eh, that's a, that's a Steinberg junior.
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Dr. Hackenbush : She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.
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Mrs. Upjohn : [who has been instructed by Dr Hackenbush to wave her arms up and down, as part of a physical examination] How long do you want me to do this, Doctor?
Dr. Hackenbush : Just until you fly away.
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Dr. Hackenbush : I haven't seen so much mudslinging since the last election!
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Tony : [disgused as an ice cream vendor] You wanna something hot?
Dr. Hackenbush : Not now, I just ate. Besides I don't like hot ice cream.
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Tony : We come to hang the paper.
Dr. Hackenbush : How about hanging yourselves?
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Tony : Hey, boss! C'mere! Sun-Up is the worst horse on the track!
Dr. Hackenbush : I notice he wins all the time.
Tony : Aw, just because he comes in first.
Dr. Hackenbush : Well, I don't want 'em any better than first.
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Judy : If you'll excuse me, I'll go and bring in the rest of the staff.
Dr. Hackenbush : [to Whitmore] Why don't you go out and bring in something. Preferably your resignation.
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Judy : And do be nice to Mrs. Upjohn, won't you?
Dr. Hackenbush : Well, she's not exactly my type, but for you I'd make love to a crocodile!
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Whitmore : [Speaking on the phone, believes he is talking to the Florida Medical Board, but, it is really Dr. Hackenbush, pretending to be Medical Board Records Department Manager, Colonel Hawkings] I want to know about Doctor Hackenbush.
[Hackenbush, in an adjacent office, buzzes the dictograph. Whitmore goes to answer it]
Whitmore : Yes?
Dr. Hackenbush : Whitmore, you'll have to cut out that squawking. The patients are all complaining.
[Talking on the phone in a Southern accent, pretending to be Colonel Hawkings]
Dr. Hackenbush : And, eh, I hope, sir, that's the information that you require.
Whitmore : I'm sorry, Colonel, I didn't hear it. I was called to the dictograph.
Dr. Hackenbush : [On the phone, pretending to be Colonel Hawkings] What was that you said, sir?
Whitmore : I was called to the dictograph!
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Secretary : Doctor, may I have an OK on this, please?
Dr. Hackenbush : I'm too busy right now. I"ll tell you what, I'll put the O on now and come back later for the K.
Doctor : Doctor Hackenbush.
Dr. Hackenbush : A little later.
[to his nurse]
Dr. Hackenbush : Eh, get me the Turkish bath.
Nurse : Yes sir.
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Mrs. Upjohn : How would you like me to dance away from you?
Dr. Hackenbush : I'd be satisfied if you'd dance off my feet.
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Mrs. Upjohn : Hugo, I'm disappointed in you. To think of you dancing with that strange woman.
Dr. Hackenbush : Well, don't think of it. Think of me dancing with you.
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Flo : Oh, eh, how about a little scotch?
Dr. Hackenbush : Why, I'd love it. Oh, eh, I'll ring for some.
Flo : Thank yo.
Dr. Hackenbush : Thank yo.
[Picks up the phone]
Dr. Hackenbush : Will you have the bellhop hop up with some hop scotch.
[Hangs up phone]
Dr. Hackenbush : I'll flip you to see who pays for it.
Flo : Oh-oh, Doctor.
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Dr. Hackenbush : [to Stuffy] Take her pulse. Take her pulse!
Mrs. Upjohn : [Stuffy takes Mrs. Upjohn's purse] Oh, no-no-no! My purse! My purse! My purse! He has my purse!
Dr. Hackenbush : You must forgive him, he doesn't spell very well, Mrs. Upjohn.
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Tony : Ah, signorina, gentile, e bella. Oh, baby, you look-a good to me.
Flo : Oh, oh-oh, stop it.
Dr. Hackenbush : Hey, wait a minute. I thought you came here to see me?
Tony : Well, I can see you from here.
Flo : Oh, oh, get up, you... oh, oh...
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Dr. Hackenbush : Get me Mr. Whitmore.
[the operator calls Whitmore's office]
Whitmore : Hello?
Dr. Hackenbush : [disguising his voice as the receptionist] Here's your Florida call, Mr. Whitmore.
Whitmore : All right. Hello?
Dr. Hackenbush : [as the receptionist] Florida Medical Office, good morning.
Whitmore : I'd like to talk to the man in charge of the records, please.
Dr. Hackenbush : [as the receptionist] Record department? Just a moment, sugar dear.
Dr. Hackenbush : [as Col. Hawkins] Record department? Colonel Hawkins talking.
Whitmore : Col. Hawkins, did you get a wire from me regarding Dr. Hackenbush?
Dr. Hackenbush : [turns on the fan and holds a piece of paper next to it] I'm sorry, sir, but there's a hurricane blowing down here, and you'll have to talk a little louder! Whew, it certainly is the windiest day we ever did have. Woo, it certainly is windy!
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Dr. Hackenbush : [as Col. Hawkins] And, eh, I hope, sir, that that's the information that you require.
Whitmore : I'm sorry, Colonel, I didn't hear it. I was called to the dictograph.
Dr. Hackenbush : What was that you said, sir?
Whitmore : [raises his voice] I was called to the dictograph!
Dr. Hackenbush : [Hackenbush pushes the dictograph button, and speaks to Whitmore in his normal voice] Whitmore, one more yelp out of you, and I'll have you bounced out of here!
Dr. Hackenbush : [as Col. Hawkins] And I trust, sir, that that answers your question.
Whitmore : I'm terribly sorry, Colonel, I didn't hear you.
Dr. Hackenbush : [as Col. Hawkins] I can't hear you, you'll have to talk a little louder.
Whitmore : I want to find out something about Hackenbush!
[Whitmore is called to the dictograph]
Whitmore : Well, what is it now?
Dr. Hackenbush : [in his own voice] Whitmore, that's the last time I'm going to warn you about that yowling!
Dr. Hackenbush : [as Col. Hawkins] And, in conclusion, let me say...
Whitmore : I'm sorry, Colonel, what was that you said about Hackenbush?
Dr. Hackenbush : Hacken - you mean Dr. Hackenbush? Oh no, he's not here.
Whitmore : [testily] I know he's not there, he's here!
Dr. Hackenbush : Then what are you bothering me for, Yankee?
Whitmore : But I want to know something about his Florida record.
Dr. Hackenbush : [as the operator] Here's your Florida call, Mr. Whitmore.
Whitmore : Operator, will you get off the line? Hello, Colonel.
Dr. Hackenbush : [as Col. Hawkins] Yes?
Whitmore : Are you sure you're speaking of Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush?
Dr. Hackenbush : Who?
Whitmore : Hugo Z. Hackenbush!
Dr. Hackenbush : Who's calling him?
Whitmore : The Standish Sanitarium.
Dr. Hackenbush : Yeah, that's where he works. Yeah, I understand he's doing a mighty fine job up there!
Whitmore : I... I want to get some information regarding his qualifications for the job.
Dr. Hackenbush : What job?
Whitmore : As head of the sanitarium!
Dr. Hackenbush : Who?
Whitmore : Hackenbush!
[Hackenbush buzzes the dictaphone]
Dr. Hackenbush : [as Hackenbush] Whitmore, are you calling me?
Whitmore : No, you sap! Hello?
[goes back to the phone]
Dr. Hackenbush : [as Col. Hawkins] Yes, now, what was that name?
Whitmore : Hackenbush. Hackenbush!
Dr. Hackenbush : Uh-huh, well, as soon he comes in, I'll have him get in touch with you.
Whitmore : Bah!
[Whitmore hangs up in frustration]
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Gil : You can't walk out on us like this.
Dr. Hackenbush : I'll say I can't. I'm gonna run out.
