Sons of the Desert (1933)

Oliver Hardy: Oliver Hardy

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Quotes 

• Oliver : Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into.

• [a truck pulls up with the doctor to examine Oliver] 

  Oliver : Why did you get a veterinarian?

  Stan : Well, I didn't think his religion would make any difference.

• Oliver : Now isn't this nice?

  Stan : It sure is. We're just like two peas in a pot.

  Oliver : Not pot. Poddd. Poddd.

  Stan : Poddd.

• Oliver : You'd better take my temperature.

  [pointing] 

  Oliver : Get that thermometer.

  Stan : The what?

  Oliver : Thermometer! You'll find it on the shelf.

  [groaning] 

  Oliver : Ooh... ooh... ooh.

  Oliver : [as Stan puts it in his mouth]  Uh-um.

  Oliver : [after Stan has taken his pulse]  What does it say?

  Stan : Wet and windy.

• Oliver : To catch a Hardy they've got to get up very early in the morning.

  Stan : What time?

  Oliver : Oh about half past - "What time." Hmph.

• Oliver : I wonder where she is?

  Stan : Maybe she went out.

  Oliver : I know she went out, but what I'd like to know is where did she went?

  Stan : Maybe she went to the mountains with Betty.

  Oliver : That's probably just where she is. She makes me sick! She knew we were coming home today. What did she have to go to the mountains for?

  Stan : Well, if-if she didn't go to the mountains, Mohammad would have to come here.

  Oliver : What has Mohammad got to do with my wife?

• Lottie : Have you anything ELSE to say?

  Oliver : Why, no. That's all there is. There isn't anymore. Is there Stanley?

  Stan : No, that's our story and we're stuck with it. In it.

• Oliver : Do you have to ask your wife everything?

  Stan : If I didn't ask her, I wouldn't know what she wanted me to do.

• Stan : I've certainly got to hand it to you.

  Oliver : For what?

  Stan : Well for the meticulous care with which you have executed your finely formulated machinations in extricating us from this devastating dilemma.

  [Ollie looks at the camera, unamused] 

  Stan : Then, on the other hand...

  Oliver : Get in bed.

  Stan : Eh?

  Oliver : "Meticulous." Hmph.

• Oliver : Why didn't you want to take the oath?

  Stan : I was afraid.

  Oliver : Afraid of what?

  Stan : Well, I-I was afraid if I took the oath to go to the convention that... maybe my wife wouldn't let me go.

  Oliver : Of course she'll let you go. Why, she'll have to let you go! You took an oath!

  Stan : I know. That's what I'm worrying about. The Exhausted Ruler said that if... if you took an oath, it would have to be broken for... generations and... centuries of... hundreds of years. and my wife... would let...

  Oliver : Do you have to ask your wife everything?

  Stan : Well if I didn't ask her, I wouldn't know what she wanted me to do. I didn't want to...

  Oliver : I never realized that such a deplorable condition existed in your home. Why don't you pattern your life after mine? I go places and do things and THEN tell my wife. Every man should be the king in his own... castle.

• Oliver : Never mind what she said. What did Betty say?

  Stan : Betty said that honesty was the best politics.

• Stan : You know, I may not be king of my castle, but I certainly wouldn't allow my wife to wear any pants. I'd like to see my old woman throwing things around. It's disgraceful. Never heard of such goings off. On. You know, if my ball and chain ever talked to me... If she even dared to raise a... Do you know what I'd say?

  Oliver : What?

  Stan : I'd say...

  [Sees Betty] 

  Stan : Hello, honey. I...

  [Double takes] 

  Stan : Well, you think it over. I'll see you in the morning.

  [Stan leaves with Betty] 

• Betty : Stanley. Honest confession is good for the soul. is Oliver telling the truth?

  Oliver : Go ahead and tell her.

  [Oliver mimes smoking a cigarette] 

  Betty : Is he?

  Stan : [cries]  No. We went to the convention. We didn't go to Honolulu at all. He told me to tell you he was sick, and we didn't have any shipwreck. We were up in the attic...

  [as Stanley continues, Oliver stares at the camera] 

  Betty : [retrieving her shotgun, Betty heads to the front door]  Come on, Stanley.Come on, Stanley.

  [Stanley squeals inarticulately, certain that he's about to be shot] 

• Oliver : And besides, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

  Stan : Jack who?

• Oliver : Well, what's new, Sugar?

  Lottie : Oh, nothing much. What's new with you?

  Oliver : Oh, nothing to speak of.

  Stan : Yes there is. You didn't tell her about going to the convention.

  Lottie : What convention?

  Oliver : That's right.

  [Gritting his teeth to Stan] 

  Oliver : I'm glad you reminded me.

• Oliver : What'd I tell ya. We've been to the convention, had a swell time, going home in the morning, and nobody's any the wiser.

• Lottie : Why, I hope you have a nice time, dear.

  Oliver : Thank you.

  [Lottie laughed] 

  Oliver : What's that for?

  Lottie : Just this, you're not going!

  Oliver : What do you mean, I'm not going?

  Lottie : Just that, you're not going to the convention, you're going to the mountains with me!

  Stan : But, he can't go to the mountains. You see, he took an oath. And the exhausted ruler said that...

  Lottie : Now listen, dodo: You keep out of this!

  Oliver : Wait a minute, sugar. There's no use getting excited. You're making a mountain out of the molehill.

  Stan : Certainly, life isn't short enough.

  Lottie : Are you going?

  Stan : Eh?

  Lottie : I said are you going?

  Stan : Yes, sugar. Uh, Mrs. Hardy.

  Lottie : Who said so?

  Stan : Him.

  [points to Oliver] 

  Lottie : Oh. Well, you can do as you please.

  [turns to Oliver, points it] 

  Lottie : But, you're going to the mountains with me!

  Oliver : Now, wait a minute, you listen to this! I want this understood once and for all! I am not going to the convention, I'm going to the mountains!

  Lottie : That's just what I said that you're not going to the mountains that you're going to the, that you're going to the mountains!

  Stan : Why don't you compromise?

  Lottie : What do you mean, compromise?

  Oliver : Well, he means sweetheart. That...

  Lottie : Oh, shut up! If you think you're going gallivanting off with a lot of hoodlums, to any convention whenever you want to, you're not. Not for a minute, you're not! Here I am, slaving day after day, washing and ironing till my fingers bleed! And you do appreciate it, do you?

  Oliver : Well, you don't give...

  Lottie : Oh, shut up! Don't talk back to me! Just because I'm an unselfish, what does it get me? Working for you, working for your interests! I've planned a vacation for you in the mountains, at a nice resort where they play bridge and have lectures on art and color. I fight crowds in department stores, dying of the heat, killing myself trying to get a nice mountain outfit together! Why? WHY?

  Stan : Why?

  Lottie : [turns to Stan]  Oh, you keep out of this!

  [turns back to Ollie] 

  Lottie : I'll tell you why. So you won't be ashamed of me, and you do appreciate it, do you? Haha! You want to take the first chance to run off the convention! CONVENTION! You go to the convention, over my dead body! I'll put you in jail first, and you too! With the rest of the Sons of the-- Oh, the SONS OF THE DESERT!

  [she storms off] 

• [on the telephone] 

  Lottie : Uh, Charley tells me you're from Los Angeles. Uh, what part?

  Oliver : All of me.

• Oliver : That settles it! I'm not going to Honolulu!

  Lottie : [angrily]  Oh, yes, you are. You're going to Honolulu if you have to go alone!

  Oliver : If I have to go to Honolulu alone,

  [points to Stan] 

  Oliver : he's going with me!

• Exalted Exhausted Ruler : Place yourselves in position to receive the oath. Do you all solemnly swear to be present at our 87th annual convention at Chicago?

  Oliver , Sons of the Desert - California Oasis : I do.

  Stan : Me too.

  Exalted Exhausted Ruler : Whole heartedly unanimous.

  Exalted Exhausted Ruler , Oliver , Sons of the Desert - California Oasis , Stan : [singing]  We are the Sons of the Desert, Having the time of our lives, Marching along, two thousand strong, Far from our sweethearts and wives, God bless them, Tramp, tramp, tramp the boys are marching, And dancing to this melody, Mmm-Mmm-Mmm, Mmm-Mmm-Mmm-Mmm, Sons of the desert are we!

• Oliver : [to Stan]  Now, buck up! Go in and tell her you're going to the convention. Be a man!

• Lottie : You're not going.

  Oliver : What do you mean I'm not going?

  Lottie : Just that! You're NOT going to the convention. You're going to the mountains with me!

  Stan : But, he can't go to the mountains. You see, he took an oath, and the Exhausted Ruler said that...

  Lottie : Now, listen, dodo, YOU keep OUT of this!

  Oliver : Wait a minute, Sugar. There's no use getting excited. You're making a mountain out of a mole hill.

  Stan : Certainly, li-life isn't short enough.

  Lottie : Are you going?

  Stan : Eh?

  Lottie : I said, are you going?

  Oliver : Yes, Sugar - eh, Mrs. Hardy.

  Lottie : Who said so?

  Stan : Him.

  [points to Oliver] 

• Oliver : Aloha! Baby's home, Sugar!

• Oliver : [finishing their bed]  There you are, fit for a king! We'll have a good night's sleep, go down in the morning, tell them about the shipwreck, and nobody will be any the wiser.

• Lottie : Oh, well, tell us all about it.

  Betty : Please do.

  Oliver : All right. All right. We were sailing along in clear weather when all of a sudden a terrible storm came up! Didn't it, Stanley?

  Stan : Yeah, and then we floundered in the typhoid.

  Oliver : Not typhoid. He means typhoon, Sugar. And the ship started to sink and we both dived overboard. Didn't we, Stanley?

  Stan : Uh, yeah, just as the boat was going down for the third time.

  Oliver : And here we are.

• Lottie : [questioning Oliver's shipwreck story]  Well then how did YOU get here?

  Oliver : Why, eh...

  Stan : Eh... Oh, we ship-hiked!

  Oliver : That's right! We... we ship-hiked!

  Lottie : Ship-hiked?

  Oliver : Yes! We thumbed our way.

  Lottie : Whadda you mean "thumbed" your way?

  Oliver : Well, Stan and I'd be swimming along, we'd see a boat coming our way, we'd go like that

  [thumbs up] 

  Oliver : and they'd pick us up. Wouldn't they, Stanley?

  Stan : Yeah. Of course, that's if they were going our way, mind you.

  Oliver : Oh, why, certainly.

• Lottie : Oliver.

  Oliver : What Sugar?

  Lottie : Oliver, I want you to be big - bigger than you've ever been before. Are you telling me the truth?

  Oliver : What do you mean am I telling you the truth?

• Oliver : [stuck on the roof in the middle of a rain storm]  We'll slide down the drain pipe, put our clothes on in the garage and go to a hotel.

  Stan : You can do what you like but I'm going home.

  Oliver : What are you gonna tell Betty?

  Stan : I'm gonna tell her everything.

  Oliver : So you're turning yellow.

  Stan : Huh?

  Oliver : You're yellow.

  Stan : [looks himself over and sees nothing to indicate a different color]  Must be the lightning.

  Oliver : You little double-crosser. If you go downstairs and spill the beans, I'll tell Betty that I caught you smoking a cigarette.

  Stan : All right, go ahead and tell her. What do you think... Would you tell her that?

  Oliver : I certainly would.

  Stan : [nervous]  Would ya?

  Oliver : I would.

  Stan : [after a pause]  You know what we'll do?

  Oliver : What?

  Stan : We'll climb down the garage, and we'll change our clothes in the drain pipe, then we'll go to a hotel and we'll be just as comfortable as two peas in a 'PAW-DUH.'