boocwirm-1 Review of Dracula: The Impaler

Dracula: The Impaler (2013)

Ludicrous teen horror film is dull and pointless

[3/10 · 10 June 2015]

Ridiculous movie, gets a "3" only because the production values are fairly good, considering the budget. But the script and direction are just terrible. Films like this follow a classic formula: a group of good-looking teenagers (typically including a sexy pair, an innocent pair, a stoner or two, and a misfit -in this case a "fat kid") find themselves trapped in a supernatural place (a castle, a cabin in the woods, a cavern, a forest)and mostly perish while trying to escape. If it's done well and with intelligence it's a good movie; done poorly the formula can produce a laughable stinker. IMPALER unfortunately falls in the latter category. Some of the objectionable points include 1) a story that makes no sense whatsoever and isn't even internally consistent: if the kids are being selected as sacrificial victims because of their individual sins- the film is quite explicit that the sexy girl is chosen for being promiscuous and the fat kid for being a glutton- then why are the good kids selected for sacrifice too? 2) laughable characterization, e.g. the fat kid -played by an actor who is actually in fairly good shape- cannot resist eating all the food he can find, even a meal he stumbles across in a dusty, vermin-infested old room. His obsession with stuffing his face is his only characteristic. Likewise the greedy kid can think only of money, etcetera, etcetera... 3) stupid details. The girls know they will be hiking for miles through a Romanian forest yet they strap high heels on their feet. There's a scene in which the good kid -or is it Vlad?- is running down the road accompanied by what I guess is a pair of wolves. It's supposed to be scary but it looks all the world like a college kid out jogging with two lovable puppies. And if Dom is supposed to be a descendant or reincarnation of Vlad -which is what I got out of it- then why did the other kid have the dream that lured them to Transylvania in the first place? Why is the Book of the Dragon written in English at the end? 4) undeveloped horror elements. The film doesn't bother to explain just who exactly are the creatures who kill the fat kid, or who are the shadowy figures often seen flitting around in the background. Where did the succubi who kill the sexy girl come from? And why exactly would Satan release Vlad from hell for killing the kids anyway? 5) Unfulfilled promises. Dracula doesn't appear as the traditional Dracula even though his name is in the title. Prince Vlad of Wallachia appears just once or twice, briefly. Nobody gets impaled in a movie called the Impaler. Two-thirds of the way through the film I was sitting there asking when something -anything- was going to happen. And it didn't get much better from there. With all the talent in the industry you'd think they could get a script doctor to add some clever dialogue or a few interesting plot points before releasing a film like this. At the very least the special effects and gore should be memorable. But The Impaler comes up short on all counts.