The Watermen (2012)
1/10
so awful its not even funny.....
4 February 2012
Warning: Spoilers
You've probably realized by now that the excellent viewer reviews are fake. Its just advertising. Movie trailers with words. Something like that. Don't buy into it. The movie is awful. Apparently this is Matt Lockhard's first venture into movie making. Honestly, Matt, if it were up to me this would your last one as well.

The Watermen is supposed to be a low budget, lots of blood and guts slasher movie. There is no need for brilliant acting and a potentially Oscar-winning screenplay. Just keep it simple. SIMPLE, not retarded. The setup: 3 guys and 3 girls go on a fishing trip, their boat breaks down and they get stranded in the middle of the ocean only to be rescued by some fishermen who intend to cut them up and use their meat as fish and crab bait. Apparently the fish and crab just love human flesh. Like I wrote, low budget slasher. No need for a realistic plot. Even with that crazy premise you still could have pulled it off. But you didn't. I'm writing this as a warning to other horror nuts like me. Its not worth it. I actually feel like I've been insulted. Mr.Lockhard seems to think that some gratuitous nudity and fake blood is going to satisfy an average horror fan. In short, he seems to think horror fans are dumb. The plot, acting, dialogue, characters are all big contributors to the overall awfulness of the movie, but the execution is the real issue here. The movie is only an hour and a half long but it seems like its longer than The Titanic. At least a third of it are long, drawn out shots of people running away, people chasing the runaways, girls showering, the guys watching the girls showering,....I was fast-forwarding a lot because I didn't want to watch a girl run by the same tree for the third or fourth time. And that was despite the fact that one of her breasts was out on full display and I'm basically your average horny straight guy. I don't really know what to write about the bad guys of the movie, you know, the sadistic fishermen. The phrase "worst of the worst" comes to mind. And yes, the worst part of this awful movie are the bad guys. All I can remember are those yellow plastic pants and boots that fishermen wear moving around on the screen and all the while someone was muttering insanities like "I'm gonna git you" with a heavy southern accent in the background. I couldn't understand/hear half the things that were being said but that was fine with me because the things I did hear made me shake my head in disbelief. Even Richard Riehle, a veteran among actors, was awful in his role. There is no excuse for making such a mess of a movie. Being a rookie director doesn't cut it. It should have been simple, instead its in full on retard mode. Skip it. Unless you want a headache.
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