Salaaaaaaaaaaaaam-e-crap! Oh my goodness, I hope IMDb grants me four hours to tell you how awful this film is! I spent FOUR precious hours of my life enduring this crap-fest! FOUR WHOLE HOURS and then some that I can't get back. Please IMDb, don't cut me off, let me finish this review I'm begging you.
Slaaaam-the-crap, is a not even a movie it's a FAUX spoof trying to be the nightmare of a clunker. The story revolves around six couples, their relationships and how love impacts them. But trust me, I am making it seem intelligible. The script, of course you know like most of all the other copied nonsense revolving around Bollywood is a bad knock-off of the equally awful British drama 'Love Actually' or as I like to call it, 'Crap-Actually.' In the Emma Thompson role, we have Juhi Chawla (the best part of the film by the way and the only person who actually ACTED in the whole movie) a mother of two whose husband(played by a very good looking Anil Kapoor, well good looking until his mid-life crisis gets the better of him) does the same thing Alan Rickman's Harry does. Anjana Sukhani plays Anjali the Britney Spears-like character Kapoor's Vinay falls for. It's lucky for Ms. Sukhani that there isn't enough space in this review for me to properly DISS her representation of this bimbo character.
Poor Rakhi Sawant has been forever immortalised in this film by Priyanka Chopra who spoofs herself in an attempt to spoof Ms. Sawant. It's obvious that Chopra attended the Naomi Campbell University of Tantrums to play the role anyway. She along with a morbidly stiff and annoying Salman Khan make up couple #2 in the film.
Vidya Balan, a recent graduate of the Rani Mukherji School of over-emoting & sucking-up-to-the-audience, tries to sizzle with John Abraham as couple #3 but it's too bad that John does all the work. If you get irritated by their Lovey-Dovey relationship in the beginning of the movie, don't worry they pay for all of that later on.
Perhaps to most horrid part of the film was the surprise presence of Salman's brother Sohail Khan in full Rowan Atkinson's Mr. Bean mode along with his bride, trying their best to replicate the porn star roles from the original film. To me, this was more than the intended funny they were trying to get at. These two made up annoying couple #4.
Govinda has received rave reviews for his turn in this but he failed to impress me. He along with Shannon Esrechowitz make up couple #5. Esrechowitz plays a British woman named Stephanie who comes to India to find her boyfriend but ends up with Govinda's Raju instead. Raju was just too obnoxiously loud and Stephanie was too self-consciously ridiculous! Maybe she should have spent more time in drama school, I don't know, your guess is as good as mine.
Ayesha Takia in full Shaadi Barbie mode tries her best possible to break out of her Priyanka-Chopra-look-alike trance but she is so saccharin sweet that you forgive her even if she doesn't succeed. She plays Gia, a young bride-to-be whose groom has developed cold feet before their wedding day. His name is Siven and he's played by Akshaye Khanna in full Matthew Perry's Chandler from FRIENDS mode. Together they make up couple #6.
There, you have your couples and 4 hours of major buttock-ulcer burn to watch their stories unwind. In the end, you're left with more questions than answers and a sour taste in your mouth. Like why was it that when Kameeni (Chopra's) character woke up in a bed in the middle of a field, she had a full face of make-up on? What happened to all the Tralfagar Square pigeons during the scene that followed? Why were both Ashutosh and Tehzeeb flying through traffic on a motorbike without any helmets on? What the heck was Rahul doing at Gia's wedding? Why was Ashutosh flooding Tehzeeb with memories? Did he not know her brain could start bleeding from all the pressure? Why was this film more than 4 hours long? Just to mention a few of my questions.
The music was so-so, except for the opening version of the title song and perhaps that song from when Kameeni woke up in the field. The product placements were ridiculous. I mean I actually brought out a pen and paper to start taking notes after a while and trust me I missed some. From your Apple Lap tops to your Bebes, Armanis, Starbucks, Filmfare Magazine, Motorola Razors, Pantene, Coca Cola etc. etc. Then you've got your unnecessary movie spoofs and shout outs: from your Veer-Zaara, to your K3G, Chupke Chupke, Kal Ho Na Ho, Chalte Chalte, Dhoom, Mohabbattein, Fanaa, this and that and the third! Just to mention a few. And don't even get me started on Karan Johar Kiss-up and the Diss-up of Yash Chopra. Plus, crown it all up, they copied the ending to 'TITANIC' which made it all the more tacky! It was all much too much and resulted in a very very very very super long and crappy movie! Salaam-e-crap! Crap's sweet salute!
Slaaaam-the-crap, is a not even a movie it's a FAUX spoof trying to be the nightmare of a clunker. The story revolves around six couples, their relationships and how love impacts them. But trust me, I am making it seem intelligible. The script, of course you know like most of all the other copied nonsense revolving around Bollywood is a bad knock-off of the equally awful British drama 'Love Actually' or as I like to call it, 'Crap-Actually.' In the Emma Thompson role, we have Juhi Chawla (the best part of the film by the way and the only person who actually ACTED in the whole movie) a mother of two whose husband(played by a very good looking Anil Kapoor, well good looking until his mid-life crisis gets the better of him) does the same thing Alan Rickman's Harry does. Anjana Sukhani plays Anjali the Britney Spears-like character Kapoor's Vinay falls for. It's lucky for Ms. Sukhani that there isn't enough space in this review for me to properly DISS her representation of this bimbo character.
Poor Rakhi Sawant has been forever immortalised in this film by Priyanka Chopra who spoofs herself in an attempt to spoof Ms. Sawant. It's obvious that Chopra attended the Naomi Campbell University of Tantrums to play the role anyway. She along with a morbidly stiff and annoying Salman Khan make up couple #2 in the film.
Vidya Balan, a recent graduate of the Rani Mukherji School of over-emoting & sucking-up-to-the-audience, tries to sizzle with John Abraham as couple #3 but it's too bad that John does all the work. If you get irritated by their Lovey-Dovey relationship in the beginning of the movie, don't worry they pay for all of that later on.
Perhaps to most horrid part of the film was the surprise presence of Salman's brother Sohail Khan in full Rowan Atkinson's Mr. Bean mode along with his bride, trying their best to replicate the porn star roles from the original film. To me, this was more than the intended funny they were trying to get at. These two made up annoying couple #4.
Govinda has received rave reviews for his turn in this but he failed to impress me. He along with Shannon Esrechowitz make up couple #5. Esrechowitz plays a British woman named Stephanie who comes to India to find her boyfriend but ends up with Govinda's Raju instead. Raju was just too obnoxiously loud and Stephanie was too self-consciously ridiculous! Maybe she should have spent more time in drama school, I don't know, your guess is as good as mine.
Ayesha Takia in full Shaadi Barbie mode tries her best possible to break out of her Priyanka-Chopra-look-alike trance but she is so saccharin sweet that you forgive her even if she doesn't succeed. She plays Gia, a young bride-to-be whose groom has developed cold feet before their wedding day. His name is Siven and he's played by Akshaye Khanna in full Matthew Perry's Chandler from FRIENDS mode. Together they make up couple #6.
There, you have your couples and 4 hours of major buttock-ulcer burn to watch their stories unwind. In the end, you're left with more questions than answers and a sour taste in your mouth. Like why was it that when Kameeni (Chopra's) character woke up in a bed in the middle of a field, she had a full face of make-up on? What happened to all the Tralfagar Square pigeons during the scene that followed? Why were both Ashutosh and Tehzeeb flying through traffic on a motorbike without any helmets on? What the heck was Rahul doing at Gia's wedding? Why was Ashutosh flooding Tehzeeb with memories? Did he not know her brain could start bleeding from all the pressure? Why was this film more than 4 hours long? Just to mention a few of my questions.
The music was so-so, except for the opening version of the title song and perhaps that song from when Kameeni woke up in the field. The product placements were ridiculous. I mean I actually brought out a pen and paper to start taking notes after a while and trust me I missed some. From your Apple Lap tops to your Bebes, Armanis, Starbucks, Filmfare Magazine, Motorola Razors, Pantene, Coca Cola etc. etc. Then you've got your unnecessary movie spoofs and shout outs: from your Veer-Zaara, to your K3G, Chupke Chupke, Kal Ho Na Ho, Chalte Chalte, Dhoom, Mohabbattein, Fanaa, this and that and the third! Just to mention a few. And don't even get me started on Karan Johar Kiss-up and the Diss-up of Yash Chopra. Plus, crown it all up, they copied the ending to 'TITANIC' which made it all the more tacky! It was all much too much and resulted in a very very very very super long and crappy movie! Salaam-e-crap! Crap's sweet salute!