Review of The Haunted

The Haunted (1991 TV Movie)
Limp retelling of a true story
16 July 2001
Warning: Spoilers
May contain minor spoilers (just in case).

I live about an hour away from West Pittston, where these events took place. Also, I live on one side of a duplex (or, as we call it here, a double block). When I first saw this movie of the week, these details gave it a special significance for me...which quickly dissolved.

This could have been an entertaining piece, but it is brought down by the usual TV trappings--not the least of which are annoying kids and old people. The hymn-singing, impossibly over-functional characters are entirely unbelievable. Everything is lethargically photographed (on videotape, it seems) and accompanied by a standard TV-family-in-peril score. There is no momentum at all; any attempt to build tension is hampered by dull handling. The big moments are more silly than scary. Who can forget the infamous scene where Jeffrey DeMunn is raped by a succubus that resembles Divine on a bad day? Then, the irritating grandmother encounters a ghost while vacuuming, prompting my mother to ask, "Why doesn't she just suck it up in the vacuum cleaner?" Sure, my mom wouldn't make it as a parapsychologist, but Granny trying to Hoover up a demon would certainly have done something to relieve the tedium. I won't reveal the ending, but I don't think I'd be spoiling anything if I did.

Maverick supertalent Sally Kirkland is utterly wasted, flying through the air and tossing potholders on a frantic quest for holy water. She deserved a lot better, even though she's the only aspect that makes this worth sitting through. Interestingly, she is given the job of conveying two big inaccuracies. First, she mentions coming from "Wilkes Bahra"; Wilkes Barre is pronounced with a flat A, as anyone who lived there would know. Secondly, she mentioned a hexagram as the devil's sign. Hexagram? The Star of David? Who was funding this thing?

The Haunted will never be mistaken for The Haunting (1963). It isn't really worth seeking out, but it might be worth seeing if caught on TV, if only for some unintended laughs and Kirkland's valiant attempt to redeem the proceedings. Just, please, keep your expectations low.
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