malphadour Reviews

Infini (2015)

Incoherent rubbish ruins a good idea

[2/10 · 19 August 2016]

It starts off with a nice explanation at the start of the movie to tell you what its about.

Then you enter a world created by the worst sound engineer in history----or maybe the greatest as he does everything he can to make sure that you can barely hear or understand the absolute garbage script of this film.

I had to replay scene after scene to try and work out what they were saying. A lot of the time because it turns out what they were saying made no sense or had absolutely nothing to do with the scene they were in.

The producer did a great job and the sets are bang on except for the very strange use of old style monitors with a mono text interface. Why - its the 23rd century - these were old fashioned by 1995!!! The premise is pretty good and so is the general plot to start out with, but the directing and obvious chainsaw editing are appalling and coupled with the gibberish script end up making you wonder when its going to end.

There are lots of scenes trying to show people slowly going crazy but they are just clumsy and really badly cut together.

Overall the film has that sort of Alien feel to it but with almost zero tension. It feels like the director shot a scene, then went a way for a few months, came back made another scene then went away......its like a series of scenes glued together and ends up making not a lot of sense and certainly does not feel like a story.

worst sci fi of the year so far - I really don't see what people saw when they scored this 8 or 9 - you might give it a 5 if you really dig the sets but that's about it.

Swelter (2014)

Really really nonsensical rubbish

[1/10 · 19 August 2016]

This is the worst film I have seen this year.

The plot makes no sense whatsoever. The characters are stupid - I mean really stupid - and the script is somewhere between rubbish and turgid.

The director clearly wanted to make a Tarantino style western/gangster movie but could not direct or write a script get anywhere near this.

One of those films where you realise half an hour in that you have another hour of this to go but you might as well as you are already in it..and then an hour later you realise you made a bad decision an hour earlier.

I have to write more apparently to publish my review...so now the film is annoying me more by making me type more about it. This should definitely be near the top of your avoid list.

The Last Sentinel (2007)

Beyond Dreadful

[1/10 · 26 January 2015]

If you see reviews on here with scores of 8, or 9, or 10 saying that this is a great film....trust me they are not real.

I am a fan of bad sci fi, normally they are watchable for what they are, cheap and fun.

This is just dire. I mean truly dire. The script is worse than anything Lucas could have written, I felt sorry for the actors as I was watching it.

The combat scenes are laughable - highly trained and experienced combat troops stood in the open charging (yes charging) at baddie robots than somehow can not calculate the angle and trajectory to hit a man stood up 2 metres in front of them.

The incursions into the bad guys base are basically attacking the same half destroyed warehouse/factory from different angles, and then managing to survive behind a piece of cover, that wouldn't save you from a 6yo girl throwing bean bags at you, for about 3000 bullets.

If my mates had made this movie with their own cameras and bodged it together on a PC, I would have said well done. But for someone who is a respected member of the industry (Jesse Johnson is one of THE goto guys for stunt work) to make this and then actually sell it is just unacceptable.

As others have said, its got every crap cliché in it, yet somehow he has made each one even more crap.

Some films are entertaining in their badness, this is not one of those. Put it this way, it makes Uwe Boll look good - that is just how bad it is.

To conclude, this IS the worst film I have ever seen, and has zero entertainment value, and maximum utter waste of your time value.

One other thing, how does IMDb allow the blatantly spoof reviews to stay on here??