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Reviews
A Perfect Vacation (2015)
So bad it's so good
So bad its so good. Found this years back and glad I managed to rediscover it. Not sure if the cast is c or d list but it's just the perfect assortment of recognizable names, Edward furlong Robert davi Darryl Hannah Vinnie Jones Keith David AND David keith (palindrome tenetenet just love it)
Has bits of Lord of the Flies, the Condemned, Battle Royale, all in a mashed pot of made to order schlock. The three faction gun action finale is just creme de la creme cake icing for this schlock fest. I think ppl r taking this movie too seriously, rate it 1 or 2/10 as u well I get that but for me I go the other way and give bonus points for schlock enjoyment (start all movies at neutral 5 and go from there 4 or less if more bad than good, 6 or more if more good than bad, with degrees of 1 indicating power of direction. Giving this a +3 cause it's exceptional quality schlock and I'm all for it but u do u!
The Equalizer 3 (2023)
Crazy good and best of the 3
I'm not some huge fan of what has before a trilogy and admittedly have only seen the first 2 once each. Recall enjoying the first I rated 6 of 10 but can't say I remember too much years later other than the work place setting where it all goes down. The second one I recall as being pretty dry and boring IMO, rated 5 of 10 or neutral or lukewarm (start all movies at 5 and go from there so first got +1 or slight positive, enjoyed more than not, 5 meaning meh didn't rele enjoy nor dislike to go either way. Wasn't expecting much of this but the opening starts thing off solid and it just goes up from there. I ended up rewatching the first 40 mins a few times just to make sure I was following it and wound up pretty engaged by the end. I'd say this is the best and most solid of the 3 by a long shot. The action is brutal and intense and the music is very standout and brings it all home for a symphonic and visual feast of gun violence well in the veins of John Wick etc. Was not expecting much if anything but best of the 3 IMO! Denzel has still got it and I love to see it 8/10.
The Haunting of the Murder House (2022)
Hard pass. Just don't
I've seen worse, sadly, but this is pretty bad. Don't mean to be overly critical to the effort of the people who made this, but it's definitely not worth your time. Maybe it's turning 35 but I just don't have the time for this fluff anymore. The intro is decent enough, like most movies there's a sort of grave period therein, but by 15 mins I was skipping forward more and more. I guess they did the best they could for the kills, but it's just not worth the time it would take to get there. You've compiled a film, congrats there, but let it be a stepping stone to something better because this ain't it, sorry.
One and Two (2015)
Not worth your time
There really is nothing worth investing this movies length to endure for what you get. It was a happy enough ending but the journey there was pointless. It's basically Jumper only they truly do nothing with said abilities. Movie is composed well enough but again there's no real point for any of it. The only positive is it ending with Outro by M83, but even then I wouldn't give this a +1 even (or 6/10). It isn't good it isn't bad, it's just a neutral 5, flat and entirely nothing. If my only purpose in life is to leave some sometimes helpful reviews and sway others from wasting more valuable time then I can live with that.
The Lair (2022)
Hell yeah
Not sure what the hell you are all on about but that was probably the best movie ever made of all time. Hyperbole aside this was a serious blast, hits The Descent vibes but also has some dark humor and the very rare war / horror hybrid combination (even rarer when it works).
Ever since The Descent I've pretty much been on the lookout for similar movies, pt2 kind of offered the same feels but obviously was lesser. Have always been itching for a pt3 or a prequel, what with the old miming equipment they find in the original. I half jokingly consider Night of the TommyKnockers as that prequel as it sort of fits, or could. Anyways, this movie is a blast and return to form+ from Marshall. Don't kno what y'all be on about but a helluva good time IMO a perfect movie.
Chu tai chiu fung (2016)
That's it?
Kudos to the trailer for selling me something that definitely is not to be found. Mildly interesting but ultimately an entire waste of time. The middle is entirely bloated and not worth enduring for the complete lack of anything that is the final 10 minutes. In retrospect its closing "reveal" is pretty pretentious in what it took just under 2 hrs to set up. Prior review of being blue balled is pretty sumacious. There is far vetter Asian cinema and entertainment to be had. That said it isn't really bad but it's certainly not good. An ultimate waste of time but I've wasted it on worse, hence a neutral (for me) 5/10, not warranting a "+1" or 6 nor a "-1" or 4. Make what you will though just my take.
Monument (2018)
Not worth your time
This is a definite skip unless you really are trying to waste about 2 hrs of your life. The reviews before pretty much sum it up, yes a movie was made and congrats to all involved. The movie is competent enough but there's nothing here that your mind isn't really protecting onto itself like a blank canvass. The opening is intriguing enough but you'll want to make friends with the fast forward button. Kudos for learning film technique etc but don't feel the need to consume an art students graduation protection and don't feel bad for it, is what it is. Anyways there's nothing that hasn't been said.
Horror in the High Desert (2021)
Misled by reviews
I gave this a quick glance before I started as I generally have a high tolerance for and enjoyment of found footage movies. But this is far less found footage than it is a bad mockumentary. There is probably 10 mins if even of found footage, 90% "saved" for the end which felt like a joke after investing an hr into this. Not to offend anyone involved but it's honestly just bad. Again there is a distinct lack of found footage, to boot the main 3 expository exhausts are not good and became increasingly laughable with their accounts with the PD. All setting up for the big finale we expect, which beyond some close ups of plants is itself laughable. Honestly one of the worst FF I've stumbled across, anyone giving this over a 6/10 is likely involved in its unfortunate creation.
Tommyknockers (2022)
The Descent, Part 3
The prequel to The Descent I've been wanting for years! Not really but it could actually serve just as well. To be honest that's largely if not entirely my reason leaving a review.
Enjoyable western horror/action/comedy thing, I was going to give it a personal rating of 6, which I'd say is an accurate rating with a +1 personal bias for being the unofficial Descent prequel I'll never otherwise get.
Fits into the relatively unexplored western horror territory along with The Burrowers and Bone Tomahawk, this likely being weakest and definitely least serious of the 3 but still a good time.
PS 600.
Christmas Bloody Christmas (2022)
A Christmas Dream come true (for me)
Firstly, watch the trailer. If you want a full movie of that, you're in luck. If not, steer clear. This movie is near perfect in terms of Christmas horror and/or movies packed with made for HDR dark basement viewing acid washed coloration glory. It's chalk full of profanity to the point even I grew a bit weary, and that's saying something. Don't recall it being too overtly gory or violent, granted after stuff like Terrifier 1 and 2, that envelope has been pushed to unimaginable bounds, and this in comparison is tame (albeit maybe on the far lower end of a same spectrum). Essentially The Terminator (roboSanta+) meets Christmas horror, absolutely soaked in acid washed coloration stylization Shudder tends to utilize (a personal fan, makes for great HDR) with a flair of the over the top gore that tends to dominate more modern horror (which is often so over the top I personally burst into uncontrolled lol bits, i.e. A tongue scene in Halloween Ends.
9/10 is MY subjective score. If you watch the trailer and go in knowing what to expect I'd warrant most would rate or at least give it an objective 6/10, or higher, depending again how much this is your bag of tea.
Hurt (2018)
Better than a 1/10
I'm not sure when people just started rating things 1 or 10, but it's lazy at best. At least put some effort into things.
Is this the best Halloween movie ever? No. Is it a 1/10, like so many reviews claim? Also no. I start all movies at neutral 5 and go from there. The worse or better a movie gets, I go from there. Most get 6/10, +1, or slight positive. The only legit 1/10 I've given is some Russian Halloween garbage movie, ESCAPE ROOM something or other (NOT that Escape Room). Go watch that garbage and see what a 1/10 truly means.
Anyways, a fantastic open that introduced me to Deepest Blue, which alone was worth it. That and Come 2 Me (Halloween Ends) are songs that elevated their movies therein. And these 2 will be this year's stand out Halloween flicks.
Could have definitely utilized the PTSD angle better. I figured things were going 1 of 2 ways, and I'd have preferred what I thought would be going down as the slow burn reveal of the true horror of the night's events are revealed in the admittedly stretched out final 30 mins. This certainly isn't your Hollywood ending and there's really no Joy to be found here. There is only...Hurt (sry, had to do it).
Could have cut 10 mins out for a tighter beast, particularly the last 30 mins. There are many lingering shots of chickens, skies, etc. Personally I am fine with the scenic ambience and a "slow burn" but clearly im in the minority. And yes, too many teeth shots. Also, when you're within visible shot of an active highway, maybe think better on your options in such a situation. This could have been a 7 or more but for its flaws, hence the 6/10.
Moonfall (2022)
It's Emmerich
So you should probably know what you're getting. I know the hivemind virus has already hit peak so most will go with 1-3 stars regardless. It's standard Emmerich fare, not his best nor his worst. It is actually surprisingly serious for for the first two acts, then takes what I had assumed would be the schlock appeal for its finale (whereas ID:R was entirely schlock through and through). I honestly hold ID:R in higher regard for its unabashed schlock, a "so bad it's so good" guilty pleasure which has become a July 4th staple by now (over the original honestly.)
If you came here to bash it like most, you will. If you know what you're getting you might be letdown as it isn't entirely ID serious now entirely ID:R schlock. It has bits of both and borrows a lot from other material (at some points basically copyrighting Halo and Prometheus among others). Anyways, just my thoughts, my 7/10 moreso reflects my having an enjoyable bit of mind-off fun than some critical review persay.
I Know What You Did Last Summer (2021)
Surprising
Stuck dog sitting and with a Prime trial, I gave this a go while once again succumbing to my annual July 4th rewatch of the IKWYDLS series. Was turned off from it last year by some reviews and it's bizarre seeming detachment from the by now expected holiday inclusion (yes, despite having 8 episodes and occurring during summer, it seems to go out of its way to have July 4th, which will likely only bother those eager to expand their holiday horror roster).
Given some other Prime shows, I don't think this is really "woke" as others say. There's no real political agendas or slights to one political party, and they even manage to go the whole season without mentioning the Orange Man Bad. Most of the characters are bi, few are exclusively homo or hetero, so there's that, but again I don't find that politically sensitive.
Definitely aimed to a younger audience, with promiscuous use of swearing, sleeping around, and drugs. Not really a turn off to me but potentially others. That said I find it difficult to believe even the TikTok Instagram kids talk or behave in such seeming cliches.
Of the "trilogy" I'd say most would agree the original and sequel are best. Suffice to say the third is the weakest of those, but that's another story. Given the relative low bar the 3rd sets, I'd say this is at least no worse than that, and I'd argue is the better of the two weaker links. It has a better budget, a larger cast, kill count, takes different avenues, and has some surprising gore/kills. And it kept me guessing on the killer till the very end, a pleasant surprise after I thought I'd figured it all out.
So, def aimed for a younger crowd. Not as good as the first two, but no worse if not better than the third. Disappointingly no July 4th festivities. But in the end, "true love" wins out.
Cross 3 (2019)
Unbelievably bad
I can assure you I am a very generous rater of movies. I start at neutral 5/10 and go from there. Most get a +1 at least (6/10). Those that go negative (4 or below) are VERY rare. This movie goes bad very fast and very furious. It is one thing to witness people who cannot act. This is something else entirely, as if these people are channeling all of what non-existent acting they have into actively being bad. That is, they're putting actively effort in to be this awful.
I won't waste any more time with this, but steer far and clear away from this. Vinnie Jones and Eric Roberts are likely the only two coming out of this with anything resembling something of an effort, so I guess 2/10 for them alone (all 2 minutes of their time)
Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)
You don't cancel Leatherface. He cancels you
Halloween 2018 styled sequel that is entirely unnecessary but having realized how many cash grabs they've done seen the 2003 remake, well I wasn't expecting much beyond something to have a beer or two and pass the banality of dog sitting.
Highly doubt I'd have bothered a review but the party bus scene has made this worth the view. 6/10, which is basically +1 (start all at neutral 5, most Netflix trash goes negative quick but again Party Bus, automatic +1)
Antlers (2021)
A slow burn with negative payoff
Most note rightly so the movie has atmosphere. It is a slow burn horror. The acting is competent if not well by all. And there are some great HDR worthy reds and blues to appreciate in a dark basement. I'd say the movie was holding at a 6 or 7/10 until the final bit. The climatic action piece is pretty baffling to the point of my actually laughing out loud at its absurdity. Imagine the iconic Ripley vs. Alien Queen bit, minus the power loader suit, with Ripley equipped only with a spear. If that is the sort of engagement you want after 90 minutes of slow burn horror, then by all means indulge yourself. I'm sure I'll be downvoted to oblivion for "not getting it" or something but hopefully I can warn at least one person away from this utterly wasted opportunity.
Happy New Year (2014)
Loved it
Barely finished this with literal minutes to leaving Netflix. For a 3 hr flick it flew by, and left me all smiles. Very surprised it wasn't a newer flick, it's color palette was made for Dolby Vision 😍
Yes, it is basically Oceans 11 the Bollywood version, but I'd watch this over that any day of the week. An absolute blast, so much beautiful coloration, a wholehearted feel good flick without the sap of Hallmark. Good guys win and bad guys lose, if only the real world were the same! Anyways, Happy New Year! TEAM INDIA FTW.
Silent Night (2020)
Christmas surprise
The setup has been done to death, so beyond its Christmas backdrop I wasn't expecting much. It is entertaining enough until the contracts begin, at which point it sort of picks up steam.
The final act is full of twists and turns that while not entirely original, were a pleasant surprise given what I thought would be a much more straight forward "seen this setup a hundred times before" type ordeal (guy out of prison, tries going clean, drawn in for "one last job" etc).
I start all movies at neutral 5 and go from there. Most tend to get a 6 (slightly positive +1) if they generally entertain, but for its unforeseen twists and turns and what was a genuinely enthralling final act, this rose to +2 (7/10)
Méandre (2020)
Pretty solid "Cube" like experience
Likely enjoyable to fans of Cube, Escape Room, or the like. Manages to invoke the tight-space corridor anxiety a much lesser known flick, Crawl, was aiming for, even invoking a similar stalking creature type vibe.
Sort of knew what I was getting from the description, so I wasn't expecting some mind blowing MUST SEE Oscar nominee (before those went to trash).
Deadly traps, some human and/or humanoid type conflicts, and some increasingly tighter corridors and spaces work to an effective degree. The freshness starts to wane about an hour in, though, and it's overall sci-fi backdrop (who is doing this, etc) takes a bit of it away, I thought (versus something like Escape Room).
One of the better Cube clones, IMO, but nothing to warrant subsequent ventures or thought beyond this review.
Dexter: New Blood (2021)
Dexter does Christmas
It's been a very new experience going episode by episode, since I binged the original seasons post airing. Like many the original ending left me more than jaded, ironically only because of its final episode (the penultimate ending was how I would have wanted it to end, ideally).
Admittedly I might have checked out of this were it not for the seasonal flair. Like Batman Returns, I think the Christmas backdrop just adds a sort of eternal event to it.
The show has a freshness to it, but does reach a sort of nostalgic return to what it was (was impressed during one "flashback" that Michael Hall can still pull off old school Dex all these years later)
Some seem to take issue with "Deb" returning, so to speak, but it was nice to see the pair back on screen together, such as it is, and even if it is less than ideal. It helped to sort of seal that old wound in a sense.
Ironically I was about to write a 7/10 review a few weeks back. Much has changed in just 2 episodes, with an ending that is sure to divide even more division upon the original ending. While I was frustrated with the apparent direction it was going, I found myself oddly, and perhaps comfortably numb, with its closure. I would never have suspected it going the way it did but perhaps I am just that naive.
All in all, it works as a one off, a sort of reboot, a redip into nostalgia, and also another chance for closure. It was good to see old habits and old pairs back together, even if only in the mind, the new characters aren't really the best but we get a new fatherly dynamic from Dex which I found fresh, at least. And while below the original's best rival killer tensions (the first few), the rival killer was definitely above the original season's worst (latter seasons), falling likely on par with Dexter's old "friend"
In short, not as good as old Dex at his best, but likely above his worst (the latter seasons, generally). Ironically then it almost mirrors the then final season given just how divisive it's final episode is likely to be, given what it's penultimate was seeming to promise.
The Matrix Resurrections (2021)
Better than I expected/dreaded
And certainly better than the admittedly low bar set by "Revolutions," which I'd give a 6 (barely above neutral 5, loaded with disappointments).
Surprisingly avoids going woke, or to much discernible degree. Some characters are back albeit with new casting, but if you can take that for what it is, well it is what it is. Some new faces to be sure, but the return of old tensions, dynamics, and variant factions was oddly comforting, fitting like an old glove while still able to mix things up with an "unexpected alliance." We missed you, indeed.
The first hour is essentially a parody of the first/trilogy, sometimes to the point of absurdity. Then it becomes something of a strange but surprisingly compelling mixture of the 3, with some seemingly standout parallels to "Reloaded" (my personal favorite, though I'll concede the first is the best film, Reloaded is just loaded with amazing fight sequences).
It has more action than the first, which again is the best film film of course, but keeps things on a smaller, more personal scale than "Revolutions," which tried and failed to make some LOTR-styled epic.
If you were content with the trilogy's end, be content. If you were disappointed, this may help to resolve the bitter aftertaste that was "Revolutions," whose only redeeming sequence involves ceiling-hopping gimps.
7/10 on a strictly MATRIX scale. Better than Revolutions (6), but lesser than the first (10) or second (a personal 10 but objectively 9 or 8).
Halloweed (2016)
Exceeded admittedly low expectations
Heard of this for years, only now getting to for Halloween 2021. Intro animation aside, I found myself enjoying uh, whatever brand of humor this is (I guess a stoner comedy). Admittedly I am sure it helps to uh, partake of such activities while viewing.
I start all movies at 5 and raise or lower from there. Not expecting much, this went to 7 for me, obviously on a sort of graded scale for Halloween flicks. The stoner comedy works on its own, feels like a throwback to early 2000 flicks of that time. Honestly I was enjoying it for that alone, was surprised at the admittedly quite late (like 1/2 in) introduction of the Baby Face Killer stuff, which was just icing on the cake.
I Scream on the Beach! (2020)
Won me over
Found this on Tubi and went in cold. Seeing Lloyd Kaufman in credits was intriguing but the setting and seeming love interest kept my interest low at first.
Stayed at a neutral/lukewarm 5/10 for much of intro, but as the kills rack up and I plugged more into its humor I found myself "getting it" more s'pose
Knew we'd bumped up to 6 with a deep-body-poled kill on the beach, but had no idea where the finale would be going. Skcos Rellik...lmao
The very end/reveals arguably drove this to a surprise 7/10 for me. Obviously this is on something of a scale for low-budget (holiday horror) a la Troma style.
Never thought I'd end this both hyped for and likely willing to pay for a sequel but...Skcos Rellik! C'mon man! Let's Go Brandon!
Halloween Kills (2021)
H40
Halloween 2018 was good and all, but never really hit the spot. Probably an 8 there. I like the new no siblings alt take but it never quite felt truly connected to the first and more something to just take as expository truth.
Personally this is more my style, but the honestly near if not equal or surpassing gore, which I'd say rivals even Zombies sequel in terms of gore and brutality, could turn off many.
The mob characters feel largely shoe horned in, but they serve their purpose well enough. This honestly felt more like the truer sequel to the original, ignoring all the others, than H2018. While the first was needed to set things up, it was truly just an appetizer in retrospect, and this the main course.
Love it's taking place right after and with its own hospital setting. In short, a worthy sequel and continuation, IMO the best sequel to the original, really tying in well via new flashbacks. Heavy on the gore, it still manages a few scenes of nail-biting suspense, often utilizing elongated silence. A few jump/fake out scares, but they are intermixed enough and used sparingly enough to mix things up just a bit.
I don't think you could ever remake the original or the impact it has had, but this is an amazing sequel 40 years later for a more modern time. The intro music and several moments got surprisingly emotional, and I'll admit getting a bit teary eyed in the warm nostalgia of not only reliving but seeing the continuation of what was my go to Halloween movie in middle/high school (the original).
Monsters of Man (2020)
Monsters of Editing
Or lack thereof. I got through an hour before realizing I wasn't even halfway. I kid you not, a person is dying around an hour and it takes 3 entire minutes for them to obviously die. Do yourself a favor and if you make it to 1 hr, just start fast forwarding throygh any of the Good Doctors meet Zack Snyder Navy SEAL bits o the points of robots appearing. It's the only way you will make it to the 2 hr point in which the things you likely want to start happening finally do.
Movie could have been a 7, but seems to think itself an 8 or 9. In SERIOUS need of editing, this bloated mess of minutes long, painfully dull character deaths (few and far between, another slight) sabotages itself to a 6 (slight enjoyment, just above neutral 5)