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Road House (2024)
4/10
Flat
22 March 2024
"Road House" feels like the highest budget 'made for TV' movie ever. Despite the money thrown at it, blockbuster director, and casting of Jake Gyllenhaal the movie overall falls completely flat with awful dialogue, uninteresting characters, and a storyline so thin you can see through it.

The only positive about this movie is there were some very creative shots in the fight scenes, but even those were relatively uneven. And Connor McGregor was given far too much (poorly written) dialogue which combined with his vapid delivery takes you right out of the movie.

Overall it feels like "Road House" was the product of someone giving a 13 year old boy absolute control of a Hollywood production. The upside to this is the chaotic mess they left behind is somewhat entertaining.
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The Curse (2023– )
5/10
Feels Bad Man
11 March 2024
"The Curse" is a well directed and very well acted but overall mediocre and pretentious TV show. The core idea of an out of town 'do-gooder' couple trying to profit while redeveloping a sketchy neighborhood could have made a funny comedy, and the idea of a couple being torn apart by reality TV could have made a nice drama, but they bogged this show down with too much guilt and side-plots for it to work.

The core problem with the show is they want you to hate the main couple and in doing so go over the top in trying to unsettle the audience. That plus a cast of side characters that are (seemingly unintentionally) somehow more unlikable than the main couple means every episode of this show will leave just leave you feeling nothing but awful.

For me the humor and themes just don't hit, they are too obscured by the pure revulsion the show tries to shove down your throat and fact that there are too many plot lines for the pacing (inefficient use of time -- the episodes are very long), leading to most themes/stories being underdeveloped (and no real payoffs).

The feather in the cap is the finale which is 1h of pure nonsense and unwatchable TV -- punctuated by an excruciating 30 minute long scene that was completely unrealistic (not just in action but in character decisions) and to me one of the worst in television history. And again the theme of the finale is obvious but is underdeveloped to the point of meaninglessness.

Overall it feels like the creators of this show are somehow more out of touch with the average person than even the show's main couple.
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9/10
Massive Step Up
2 March 2024
As someone who found the first Dune movie plodding and too focused on the weakest parts of the book I didn't have high expectations for "Part Two". However it quickly became clear "Part Two" was a whole different beast from the first movie -- retaining the first's gorgeous shots and massive sets but with a much tighter focus on the book series' strength in political intrigue and warfare.

While watching "Dune: Part Two" it didn't feel like I was watching sci-fi as much as it felt like I was watching one of the great historical epics in Spartacus or Gladiator. They hit it out of the park in almost every respect.

Overall I came away feeling this was a generational sci-fi, in conversation for the best of the past 20 years.
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Dumb Money (2023)
3/10
The Soviets Would Be Proud
13 February 2024
"Dumb Money" is a Soviet level propaganda piece that spins what was essentially a decentralized pyramid scheme that ruined millions into a populist narrative of David vs Goliath. The actual story is a bunch of retail suckers bid up the common stock of a dead company far beyond its intrinsic value then got screwed when their own cult leaders pulled the rug out from under them.

The rest is nothing more than a bunch of flunkies fingerpointing as they don't want to take responsibility for their own decision to invest in a terrible company because they fell for memes posted by 15 year olds nor take responsibility for their decision to do so via a 5th rate broker because it had a pretty UI.

The movie obfuscates the facts of the matter to a startling degree including:

  • Implying Robinhood turning off GME trading was due to a conspiracy with Citadel. When the news broke that Robinhood turned off GME trading I (and everyone else with any industry knowledge) knew instantly it was because the fools didn't have collateral to match the huge GME volume they were pumping through DTCC as they focused more on their UI than their backoffice.


  • Furthermore both Citadel Securities and Robinhood were printing money like no tomorrow off retail GME trades. They only had incentive to drive further volume. Citadel Securities and Citadel Investments are completely separate companies with a Chinese wall between them. And no one at Citadel Securities was going to risk their bonuses or jail to help grease the returns of a tiny fund Citadel Investments put a few basis points of AUM into. In-fact the movie's own obsession with PFOF should have been a hint to this incentive structure...
  • Representing the GME movement as a success when the vast majority of people who fell into the pyramid scheme lost money, mostly to the fellow 'apes' they trusted.


The reality is from day 1 the media displayed a shocking lack of knowledge and penchant for pumping fake news when it came to this event -- likely resulting in not only the ruin of hundreds of thousands but massive amounts of misplaced rage -- and this movie is nothing more than a continuation of that.
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Bitconned (2024)
7/10
Trust the Untrustworthy
1 January 2024
Bitconned does a very good job of putting the crypto contradiction of trusting nobody but the least trustworthy on full display. All those sucker 'investors' who were told not to trust banks or the government instead put their full faith and credit into the hands of a drug addict's Potemkin company.

Even for those of us who have watched this play out again and again it is always shocking to see just how flimsy these scams are -- the clearly fake profiles and partnerships, quid-pro-quo promotion from unqualified celebrities, an idiotic and plagiarized business plan. Yet they managed to raise millions from the 'skeptical' masses who refuse to place any trust actual institutions with real assets.

The Centra scam really encapsulates the entire Crypto cycle quite well -- these flunkies raised money off the back of a man who predicted a collapse of the western financial system -- and of course it turns out the only financial institutions that collapsed were house of cards crypto companies he promoted.

How people keep falling for this I'll never understand.
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Maestro (2023)
7/10
A Tale of Two Halves
20 December 2023
The first half of Maestro is a near unintelligible whirlwind of scenes and characters, covering probably 15 years in an hour. It is discombobulating and lacks a strong narrative thread. However the much slower second half of the movie is where Bradley Cooper and especially Carey Mulligan stand out in unveiling the disfunction underlying the "Maestro's" marriage.

Carey Mulligan specifically thrived in the slower paced second half and her depiction of Felicia's pain and conflict over a husband that could never truly be faithful elevated the film to a new height during its middle section.

Overall however, the movie moved a bit too quickly and lacked the connecting thread it needed to fully realize the vision it was trying to execute.
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The Half of It (I) (2020)
3/10
Belongs in 1990
14 December 2023
Putting aside the insufferable dialogue this movie is just outdated and unnecessary. It may have been a worthwhile project in 1990 but in 2020 it feels completely out of touch. You can tell that it was directed by someone who grew up in the 20th century and is trying to project generational experiences that no longer exist onto 21st century characters.

Maybe Squahamish is just stuck in a time freeze?

Beyond that the setting/themes were so in your face and many of the characters were over the top and pigeon holed to the point that I almost felt like I was watching a Disney Channel movie at times.
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6/10
The One Where Unrealistic Things Happen
9 December 2023
Leave the World Behind builds out some decent suspense / mystery but is too subtle for its own good. It seems like the basic message the movie was trying to get across is supporting/trusting your fellow man but the messaging is so easily missed that the movie will be a letdown for most as all the build-up doesn't really lead anywhere tangible.

Outside of that my biggest complaint is how unrealistic some of the things that happen in a movie are like "migration patterns" of animals changing in only 1 day, the oil tanker running up onto the beach, etc.

Overall the strongest part of the movie in my opinion was the ending, which was a charming way to get the film's togetherness messaging across but the rest of the film failed to live up to its potential.
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The Killer (2023)
5/10
Pretentious
17 November 2023
The main issue with "The Killer" is that it is a monologue driven movie with poor writing. The main character's inner monologue reminds me of a teenager who just read "Thus Spoke Zarathustra" for the first time. It is dull, inane, and obnoxious -- it feels like you're listening to someone who spends their entire life on Reddit but thinks they have something interesting to say.

Everything outside of the poorly written monologue is solid, and Tilda Swinton's brief appearance breathes some life into the film. However this isn't enough to save a movie that almost entirely driven by the inner dialogue of a deeply uninteresting character (especially when the ending is so flaccid).
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4/10
Hallmark Horror
27 October 2023
Even as someone who avoids horror movies I didn't find anything remotely scary about "Five Nights at Freddy's". It's basically a horror movie for 12 year olds.

Sadly, with the film failing to scare there just isn't anything very motivating about it outside of nice set / costume design -- the plot is very straightforward with "twists" you can predict 30 minutes ahead of time and the acting is just passable.

Overall it isn't irredeemable but there's nothing that makes it stand out outside of its ties to a popular video game franchise. My guess is fans of the game may enjoy seeing it on the big screen but as a movie it is too mundane to stand on its own merits.
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Fair Play (2023)
5/10
Slow burn
6 October 2023
"Fair Play" is your basic jealous partner thriller with "Margin Call" aesthetics. The main problem I have with the movie is how slow it is to unfold -- it is completely unclear why the movie exists until there's around 30m left, at which point things finally pick up and you start to understand the reason they chose the title "Fair Play".

Overall, the movie isn't bad (although a bit boring through the first hour) but it isn't good either -- with muffled dialogue, a passably realistic (but not especially accurate) finance setting, and a relatively standard concept that other movies have done better. For example, although "Fair Play" is slightly successful in making its point on difficulties women face with their careers / partners -- "Promising Young Woman", which came out less than 3 years ago was far more daring and effective in illuminating that topic in my opinion.
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Love at First Sight (I) (2023)
6/10
50% chance you'll like it
22 September 2023
"Love at First Sight" was much better than I was expecting given its title and status as a Netflix movie. Mostly because it embraced being a low-budget romance and focused heavily on the characters instead of wasting time on drama / bad 'action' scenes like most romance movies do.

However it is still held back by an over reliance on convoluted situations moving the plot forward (batteries dying at the last second, broken seat belts, etc), a weak soundtrack (the 'I Want to Dance with Somebody' remix was especially awful), and mediocre editing. The film also drifts a bit too deep into 'realism' at times (with uncharismatic dialogue and characters) and can get awkward. And it may just be me but Jameela Jamil's role as 'Providence' was reminiscent of Quilty in Lolita, which was a bit unsettling (the statistics dumps were also mind-numbing).

Overall, 'Love at First Sight' is a decent movie that could be been better if some more thought had been put into it.
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Hello, Dolly! (1969)
9/10
The stuff of dreams
17 September 2023
"Hello, Dolly!" is bright, bold, ridiculous, uncompromising, and relentlessly in your face. The sets/extras rival the USSR's "War & Peace" when it comes to sheer scale and shocking expense (it felt like they had actually built 1890 Yonkers & NYC from scratch). The costumes are incredible in their absurdity. Barbara Streisand's character is so loud and aggressive it will give you anxiety.

All of the above combined with great song and dance numbers add up to an unforgettable spectacle. Maybe the story isn't great, maybe it is overly sentimental. But those flaws are overshadowed by a formula of unrelenting optimism, foolishness, and pomp that left me smiling all the way through.
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Frozen II (2019)
4/10
Direct to VHS tier
16 September 2023
Despite being a $150m budget theatrical sequel to one of Disney's most beloved films, Frozen II has more in common with the Disney direct to VHS sequels of my youth (ex: Mulan II) than the likes of Toy Story 2 or Shrek 2.

The movie feels directionless, with no real story to tell or creative spark driving it forward. It seems to just exist because Disney knew it would print money and pushed for a sequel despite not having any decent script or songs put together.

The entire movie is just disconnected set-piece on disconnected set-piece, with no organic emotional connections taking place -- similar to a lot of Disney's recent live-action remakes.

Overall, despite the nice animation Frozen II is a complete disappointment that belongs in the $5 VHS bin at a 2005 Walmart.
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6/10
Solid
11 September 2023
"Sitting in Bars with Cake" is the strongest of all the Amazon Prime movies I've seen so far. Its intimate focus on the friendship between the two lead characters is beautiful and I think with some stronger acting and filmmaking it could have been great.

The strength of this movie is its nearly complete focus on portraying the lives of the two main characters -- they feel like real developed people and there is genuine growth and emotion by the end of the film.

However it is held back from elevating to the likes of "Dallas Buyer's Club" by some technical factors, including -- the movie's lighting in half the scenes is far too dark and it is difficult to see what's going on, the audio seems to get garbled and the dialogue approaches Nolan levels of inaudible at times, and while Yara Shahidi did a serviceable job a stronger actress could have brought more out of the relationship (this is on full display whenever Ron Livingston and Martha Kelly are on screen as they elevate every scene they're in).

I'm between a 6 and 7 on this -- overall it is a good movie and great story that could have achieved even more if they had just ironed out a few small kinks.
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6/10
Too Late
10 September 2023
If "Dungeons & Dragons" had released in 2008 it would likely be seen as groundbreaking. However, coming out at the tail-end of a 15 year "action/adventure/fantasy" boom cycle it just feels like more of the same. It is a solid movie with great sets/costumes but does nothing to stand-out unless you're a hard-core D&D or fantasy fan.

I'd compare this to the "Warcraft" movie from a few years ago -- some genre fans loved it at the time but I doubt anyone actually remembered its existence until I mentioned it just now.

Overall -- if you're a fantasy/D&D fan you'll probably love this and if you aren't you'll feel like you're getting getting another middle of the pack Marvel movie (something to watch and forget). Personally I would have liked to see them shave ~20 minutes off the runtime (why every live-action movie is over 2h nowadays is beyond me) and focus a bit more on the "heist" aspect of the story.
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Match Point (2005)
7/10
Reverse "Crime & Punishment"
9 July 2023
Warning: Spoilers
Match Point is essentially an inversion of "Crime & Punishment" in narrative structure and themes (as hinted at with multiple Dostoevsky references early on). In narrative - while "Crime & Punishment" begins with a poor man committing two murders to find success, Match Point ends with a rich man committing murder to retain it.

In theme, Match Point serves as a critique of the novel -- in the book Raskolnikov is an amoral nihilist that finds God, redemption, and even love through his 'inevitable' punishment, proving providence. In this movie Chris is an amoral nihilist that finds success, wealth, and loveless but idyllic family life through his 'luck' in escaping punishment, disproving providence.

In the end, I don't find Allen's secular critique anywhere near as compelling as the original he parodies but it still makes for a strong movie with a great twist. I definitely was not expecting the film to contain a murder plot, nor did I expect the ending once the murder took place. The Chris character is also one of Allen's most interesting (although not quite at the level of "Blue Jasmine").
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2/10
Lazy filler
12 June 2023
I mostly watched this because I used to watch Brenda Song on Disney Channel when I was a child & was wondering what she was up to. Unfortunately I've found out she's still making Disney Channel level films but now for adults.

Love Accidentally is nothing more than a copy paste of your typical mid-2000s Hallmark Movie. They didn't even bother to modernize the plot-line, using tropes of the time that no longer make sense (ex: her 2022 waterproof iPhone dying because it was in a bucket of ice for 10 seconds, her contacts not syncing to the cloud automatically, her friend getting mad that she didn't know her phone number). Of course the characters and main plot-line make even less sense, with people in their mid-30s getting into Disney Channel levels of high-school drama & a company having two salesmen self-destructively compete for the same client.

In addition, whoever filmed this movie made almost no attempt at even basic quality control. Just one example -- every time a character holds or "drinks" a cup of "coffee" it's so blindly obvious the cup is actually empty that it will take you out of the movie immediately. There are more egregious issues as well (ie: the awkward "Him and Her" nickname that was clearly the original working title of the movie & should have been changed when they changed the title) but many of those have already been highlighted in other reviews.

Even at only 85 minutes this lazy, completely telegraphed movie is a slog to get through.
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Women Talking (2022)
5/10
Shows a lack of perspective
12 March 2023
"Women Talking" has the foundation for a great movie -- strong acting, a decent script, and solid filming. However, its fatal flaw is its complete mischaracterization of how people living in an "unpierced veil" would actually react to the situation they were put in. Most modern media botch their depictions of faithful religious societies (ex: Game of Thrones), but the case of Women Talking is particularly egregious because faith is central to the film's plot -- meaning its mistakes in this department undermine the entire film.

My main problem with this movie is that the writers essentially wrote the characters from their own perspective instead of the perspective of a person who grew up in a closed, hierarchical, unquestioning religious society. The characters in this movie react to their situation in a way that may have been realistic if they were members of your typical conservative small town church -- but is not realistic for illiterate members of a completely closed off cult.

The characters -- who are depicted as having grown up in a snow globe (meaning they lived in a society where their religious and social beliefs have never been questioned -- they are considered as true as the air we breathe), do not act in this manner. These true believers who grew up with only one world view and had likely never met outsiders instead act as if they grew up in a secular suburb where the "veil" of faith had already been pierced.

These illiterate people who should truly deeply believe in the truth of the faith and life they grew up in (as they'd never seen anyone question it) do the following -- immediately propose creating a new religion, perform a university level sociological analysis of the preconditions to their oppression, and extensively discuss philosophy & pedagogy in high flying language. It is not believable and strips any depth the film could have had -- turning it into a fairly superficial social commentary.

In reality none of this would have happened. Instead they would have deeply agonized about how leaving would impact them in the afterlife, about leaving their husbands, brothers, and sons behind (no matter how abusive they were), about how they were to enter the 'evil' outside world, about how women could ever live without men (from their pov), about reconciling what happened with the lies they were told their entire lives (lies that they do not recognize as lies), and about finding the language to even question their society.

The discussion would not have been about fighting vs leaving. It would have been about staying vs leaving with very few wanting to leave at first. It would have involved the leavers being called blasphemers and devils for even bringing it up, it would have involved people defending the rapists and their enablers, it would have involved screaming, it would have involved anyone who broke gender norms being beaten down - not accepted, and most women likely would not have left.

Writing from the perspective of the "unpierced veil" these characters would have grown up in instead of the secular, liberal, and free society the writers grew up in wouldn't have been easy on the writers or the audience. And it would have made the characters much less likable.

However, the payoff would have made this movie significantly better as the characters would have been far more complex and achieved real development; the cult's world and its terror would have felt far more real; the emotional moments would have been more believable and hit much harder; and the ending wouldn't have been telegraphed 15 minutes in.
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6/10
E for Effort
9 March 2023
In my opinion Pasternak's Doctor Zhivago is virtually impossible to adapt to film in a satisfactory way due to its scattered writing style but a decent effort was put in here. The soundtrack, shots, and acting are all top notch. However, the film still ends up being less than the sum of its parts because it lacks the poetic soul that held the novel together.

Doctor Zhivago the film, although pretty to look at, is nothing more than varnish. It feels like a theme park ride that takes you from place to place without purpose. Again, it is still well made from a technical point of view but it fails to elevate emotionally or thematically to the level you'd want from a 3 hour 20 minute movie.

I can't really blame the filmmakers for this, they did put a lot of effort into the movie and it shows. However, all the things that make the novel unadaptable (dizzying amounts of characters, disconnected plotlines, intense despair, and deeply personal prose -- all cut in the film) are also what make it beautiful. So with that in mind this is probably as good an adaptation as we'll ever get.
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Die Hart (2020– )
3/10
Overly long Youtube video
26 February 2023
"Die Hart" feels like an overly long youtube video that just happens to have famous actors on it. It is very cheaply made (there are scenes where you can actually see the lighting change shot to shot), the plot is nonsense, and it just feels like a bunch of friends got together to lazily throw something together for fun. The only upsides are a couple of funny jokes and the runtime being relatively short.

For some reason imdb keeps bumping the word count limit so other than what I mentioned above -- Kevin Hart needs some new material: he's playing himself yet again, the self-deprecating stuff is starting to come off as insecure, and he mentioned being from Philadelphia like 8 times in 90 minutes.
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9/10
Gorgeous
14 February 2023
The Young Girls of Rochefort isn't the most original movie, but I don't think that really matters. What it does offer is gorgeous set design and costumes as fresh as blooming flowers, an incredible soundtrack (which I'm almost certain inspired large swaths of La La Land's), and pretty good (if a bit saccharine) songs. It's remarkable how this movie can almost make you believe its fantasy Rochefort is a real place.

The story leaves a bit to be desired and feels a bit padded (mostly due to the director stuffing in convoluted references to earlier films). But at the end of the day does a musical need more than a serviceable plot? I don't think so.

If you're looking for some 'Hollywood' magic this movie delivers in droves.
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4/10
Inane
12 February 2023
"Somebody I Used to Know" is slightly better than other Amazon rom-com efforts but still falls flat. What charm this movie has is mostly driven by grounded characters + the cast and lead's solid chemistry. Other than that it basically follows the bad romcom formula to a T:

  • The 'likeable'/'relatable' lead character is actually unlikable due to their abhorrent actions
  • It is mostly directionless and relies heavily on ridiculous drama driven by characters refusing to communicate. Outside of Ally there is basically no organic character/relationship development
  • It heavily relies on childish gross-out/nudity/sex driven humor that isn't funny if you're over the age of 15


All of the above combined with a 15 minute too long runtime and the writers thinking people in their mid-30s acting like teenagers is somehow charming results in something 'watchable' but not very engaging.

If you liked Community you might enjoy the novelty of seeing Alison Brie and Danny Pudi on screen again. Otherwise, there's not much point in watching this.
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Maniac (2018)
8/10
Beginning and Ending
9 February 2023
Maniac to me is a bunch of good vignettes bookmarked by a strong beginning and incredible ending. Really though this show was made to show off the cast's acting skills and they 100% delivered -- especially Emma Stone and Sally Fields who really stood out. Jonah Hill also did a great job playing characters I never would have thought he could pull off. The storyline was relatively messy and with a lesser cast probably would have completely failed. But Emma Stone and Jonah Hills' performances became the glue that held it together and elevated its relatively simple ending to something truly beautiful.
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You People (2023)
2/10
Cringeworthy
6 February 2023
You People is so poorly written and 'unintentionally' racist that you'd think it was written by Michael Scott. The entire movie is basically an amalgamation of the worst stereotypes around black, 'muslim' (I use air quotes because the characters are actually NOI members the movie misleadingly portrays as muslim), and jewish people despite its message purportedly being the opposite. Actually, I'm not entirely sure what their message was supposed to be but to me it basically came off as promoting segregation.

This movie is pretty much a symbol of everything wrong with post-2015 Hollywood social commentaries... it's almost like twitter addiction has melted the mind of every writer in LA. It got so bad at points that I started to wonder if it was a conservative strawman/parody of urban progressives.

Beyond that the jokes/culture references are mostly 10 years out of date and unfunny, the soundtrack rarely aligns with the scenes it plays over, the transitions between scenes look straight out of a mid 2000's disney channel show, and I'm not sure what possessed the creators to cast Jonah Hill of all people as a 'likable' lead in a romantic comedy -- it just doesn't work.
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