iceman-johnson Reviews

American Made (2017)

boring....

[3/10 · 30 May 2024]

Another typical narco movie shot in the same way with the same predictable outcome. Absolutely nothing new was brought to the table and felt like a complete waste of time watching it because the story has been told a thousand times already and the story they are trying to tell is bloated out with so much fictitious crap it sabotages itself.

The movie is based of a real guy called barry seal who became a drug smuggler for the medellin cartel back in the day and eventually became a super grass for the DEA to avoid jail time. The problem with This film its one of them that claim its based on true events but then they bulk it out with so much fabricated crap and twist the facts for entertainment purposes it may as well have been classed as a work of fiction.

That aside the movie would have had the same impact weather it had been based on real life events or not, there's nothing special or insightful about it. The plot is your typical criminal rise and fall storyline with the "we are living it large" montage in the middle to the deep regretful "what did i do" ending. With a drizzle of corrupt government espionage thrown in.

The character development in this was terrible and the whole time i was aware i was watching tom cruise and not the character he was portraying. His wife in the film added nothing and was only there to moan abit or be behind him 100%, no inbetween. His kids in the film seemed to multiply in every family scene but brought nothing to the story (i swear by the end we thought it was gonna turn out they had like 50 kids)...the cartel were stereotypical cartel members who enjoy scaring americans by telling them they are going to die and then telling them it was a joke and for some reason they added an annoying brother in law into the film who added absolutely nothing to the story apart from being a pain in the butt for 5 mins and then being completely forgotten about after his exit. Another pointless character was jesse plemons who seemed like he was gonna be a big part of the plot but spent most of his screen time sitting down eating looking bored.

This movie is one of the worst of the cartel era movies i've seen and it honestly felt like tom cruise was in it so he could have fun flying about in planes and doing stunts rather than take the role seriously.

A Pure cash grab during the height of the cartel movie craze and not worth watching. 3/10.

The Upside (2017)

i really didn't like this

[2/10 · 27 April 2024]

I haven't seen the original yet and only watched this on the off chance because i was bored waiting in for a delivery and tbh i really didn't find it that great. The movie does drag on a bit in places and i very predictable and I'm sorry, but i found kevin hart's character pretty irritating and i hated all his parts. It felt like everytime he was on screen he was just doing a comedy bit and if he was heard in the background this was him about to do his comedy bit. There would be a really nice flowing scene going and then you'd hear kevin in the background and it was like listening to nails down a chalkboard with him shouting his lines and dishing out his worn out "white people" jokes. I get his character was meant to be the uplifting one and bring some joy into the disabled guys life and the audience but it felt more like him doing a bit rather than it feeling like a natural interaction between people.when he was doing his thing it looked like everybody just had to sit there quietly and had to endure his routine, it was really fake.

Kevin harts character in this also never really grew or changed like the movie tries to make out ..he treated his son like absolute crap his whole life and always let him down and even gave him a stolen book for his birthday. He never really bothered to right any wrongs he did to him and never even bothered to follow his son to explain his actions..in the end though he buys them a house out of the ghetto and his ex and son just fully forgave his years of being a deadbeat dad and instantly loved him after that..i mean, what an typical american materialistic view on life. "are you a deadbeat dad who always lets down his son ? Then get rich and buy him a house out of the hood and he will instantly forgive you..who needs counselling and much needed therapy and real father son bonding when you have lots of money to throw at the problem" i liked the film for its story though and shows that class means nothing when two people click but i can only imagine the movie being americanized ruined the absolute crap out of the warm fuzzy feeling the french version is supposed to have. I found it rather bland and boring though and ill never watch another movie with kevin hart in it again.

The Fanatic (2019)

can't write a huge review i gotta poop.

[3/10 · 24 March 2024]

This movie could have been pretty great if time and some serious effort had been put into it but it seemed rushed and seemed like very little effort went into fleshing it all out.

The plot is a movie fanatic named moose is obsessed with a washed up 80s/early 90s movie star named hunter dunbar whose currently clinging on to his career and home life. The two clash after moose oversteps the mark at a book signing and tempers soon flare when moose pushes his obsession with dunbar a bit too far and eventually invades his home.

The moose character played by travolta is kinda entertaining throughout but there are parts with him that are a little too dragged out or pointless especially when these parts could have been used to focus on the other characters in the movie that had little to no story. There's a supporting character named leah who has no real purpose other than to nudge travolta's moose character in the right direction every so often when needed and to narrate over the movie at random points for absolutely no reason and add nothing to the story. All we really know is she's a wannabe paparazzi and we really don't get much on how her a moose became good friends apart from a few throw away lines.

The hunter dunbar character is also very underused and not really focused on either and his back story is very confusing. We are led to believe that he's an A list actor and is mega famous but he's signing his book to a crowd of like 6 people at an obscure fanatic store with no security or entourage,his house looks trashy and has no real security and only has a small fence that nutters can climb over easily. Later in the film it flashes a look at some of his awards and they are dated in 1992 and some of the names of the films he's in sound like absolutely awful 80s action films and his movie props/merch is a diamond encrusted leather waistcoat that looks like it belongs on a 80s b movie so is he a current mega star or washed up mega star ? I'm guessing the point was to make him seem like a mega star to moose and show us he's nothing but a washed up hollywood actor but this really didn't come across very well and seemed confusing what they were getting at with the character. His personal life is also shoved into the story without any real impact on the overall plot. His son is mentioned during the movies climax like he's in the house but he's never seen. The actor Must have been off that day.

The plot is very straightforward and the ending is trash. It's so bad It left me sitting there with a bitter taste in my mouth because it didn't bother to wrap anything up at all, the ending in fact makes no sense and is completely unrealistic. The whole movie honestly felt it was just thrown together over a few weeks by film students and when it came to the the ending they just came up with some crap on the fly so they could finish up and go get drunk. I heard this movie made only £3000 at its box office and i'm not surprised. Could have been so much better.

Invalid (2023)

slovakian mr no legs...

[8/10 · 4 February 2024]

A fantastic little comedy about a guy named lacko who goes through a series of unfortunate events and ends up familyless and in a wheelchair after the local mafia rob him and dump him down a sewer. He's found by a lovable gypsy named gabo who helps him get better and they both become good friends despite their social differences.

An exhibit goes missing from the museum lacko works at and lacko knows it was the mafia whos behind it and decides enough is enough so with help from gabo he starts plotting his revenge against them using the antique guns from the displays in the museum.

Overall This film was a great watch and it translated over well to english so i got the story and all of the jokes without a problem. It's a very straight forward plot so it's not a thinker and very easy to follow. There's some great comedic moments scattered throughout that you really can't help but chuckle at and most importantly all the characters are very likable. I'm so glad i gave this a chance and would advise anybody whos not sure to give it a go anyway because it's definitely worth seeing.

The Exorcist (2016–2018)

burned out after season one.

[4/10 · 1 February 2024]

I can see why this only lasted two seasons season one was a powerhouse compared to season two not only did it half decent storyline but the characters all seemed to bring their A game. The usual tv horror show hamminess was kept to a minimum and there was very little dragging like you see in most tv shows these days. Season one was far from perfect but it did the job and the only real complaint i have with it is that it did start to lose its way towards the end did borderline on the verge of being completely ridiculous but because it so short lived it can be forgiven and was a very enjoyable show.

Season two on the other hand i wouldn't attempt watching that again even if you paid me... what a let down. Not only did they bloat it out with very annoying child characters and all the half decent returning characters are now hamming it up to the max. In season two they are now just screaming as loud as they can during the exorcism because screaming louder is better acting apparently. I gave up on season two when tomas starting singing to possessed person who was holding a baby and had just been on a killing rampage and she handed it over with no problems..... id rather them scream through every episode than have it that you can sing the possessed down ..what a crock.

Season 1 worth a watch. Its extended off of the exorcist movie but doesn't really play on that until later in the season unfortunately this is where it starts to get a bit cheesy and there is some very questionable acting and storylines.

Season 2. If you liked season one then give it a miss unless you wanna see how they butchered two great characters and are a fan of teenage angst storylines and constant screaming.

Or just watch the first movie the number 3 and skip everything else.

Power (2014–2020)

had potential

[1/10 · 20 December 2023]

This series could have gone the distance if it had stuck to it original ideas and kept it realistic but it fell off fast and became an absolute joke of itself .I really wanted this show to work and held on for dear life for it to finally pick up but i barely made it through season 3 before i gave up and finally threw in the towel because its just so repetitive and boring and over the top.

The acting became very questionable around season 3 and the storylines were beginning to hit bulls***t levels that nobody could honestly take seriously. They jumped the shark so early it basically killed itself this show had a real chance to go deep into what makes a criminal organisation work both on a street level and in a legit level within the club scene where the lines are blurred. But instead it felt like an excuse to parade luxury brands and the latest music and show how rich materialistic people live.

The plot is so weak in this that they flooded it with pointless dialogue and sex scenes to bloat it out to the cliffhangers that never ever pay off. It's the same thing every episode and it becomes so repetitive and predictable that you just lose all interest in it and space out until you hear a gunshot or something different going on. None of the characters are likeable or have any redeeming qualities, they all come off as being complete a holes ... There's no real concern invested the main characters because its clear from early on that they won't kill them off and they just bring them back if anything happens to them so you know they are gonna pull through even the most difficult of situations and that just takes you out of it. By season 3 the main characters are basically terminators and can be beaten ,shot ,stabbed and burned but all come bouncing back an episode later.so there's no real suspense.

This show was made by idiots for idiots who glorify the fake gangster lifestyle and like watching soft corn p*rn and listening to 30 second rap songs played over pointless shots of new york .it's not well made or well thought out in the slightest, its main focus is advertising and music and the plot is second to it. Instead of paying really talented people to be involved in their show they filled it out with cheap terrible actors and writers so they can use the money on showing the audience how lavish their locations are and fun it is to be a materialistic snob.

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare III (2023 Video Game)

this is the worst COD i've ever played.

[1/10 · 10 December 2023]

I've tried really hard to like this game but i'm done with it... the multiplayer is absolute garbage. There's been moments where i've unloaded 5 shots in to an opposing player and it's been confirmed by the hit marker sound and then they turn and floor me with two shots to the body with the same class of gun im using. I spend more time looking for opposition players than killing them and then when i do im again gunned down easily even if i've hit them more times than they have me. I'm not a novice at these games and played them for years and prestiged fully in every game i've owned so i know its not me at fault here..i was also just kicked for inactivity for protecting a domination point with a sniper for a few minutes while my team were being bombarded by the enemy so you are now kicked if you are holding off the enemy and stuck in the same area for too long and don't want to die in the process .... pathetic . There's no multiplayer progression screen after a match and you have to go and hunt down what calling cards/guns you have earned and how well you're progressing on the battle pass and what rank you are. And now instead of opening new equipment by progressing through levels, once you hit level 25 on multiplayer you have to complete daily missions to obtain them. So if you want to unlock something you have to be able to complete challenges you might not be good at.this is unfair for players tat just can't grasp certain guns or are able to play as good as others. It's a small complaint but it just adds to the crappyness of the whole experience. Also zombies mode isn't the classic zombies we know and love it's some free roaming level with mini missions and some zombies randomly chase you. Its very easy and is boring and is not in the slightest bit fun.

I really regret buying this game. I was having so much fun on mw2 recently and i thought that this would be a step up but it's far worse than i could have imagined. Basically bought the same game i did years ago but this time it doesn't work properly and its constantly asking me to buy stuff i don't want. Even in the menu its asking me to buy the game im currently playing.

This is the last time i buy a COD game because its nothing more than a shameless cash grab and the money they are asking for the product is just not worth it. Im selling this first chance i get.

The Iceman (2012)

could have been so much better

[3/10 · 17 November 2023]

I was fascinated by the kuklinski story after seeing the the iceman interviews and reading the book back in the day and couldn't wait to see the film when it came out. I rewatched it today as i haven't seen it since its release hoping that the second time around and years later i would see it in a different light but its still as bad and poorly made as i remember it.

Instead of exploring how richard became the way he is and getting the audience invested in how a person is able to do such horrible things to other humans we got a rushed run of the mill mob flick that tried to get us to feel bad for killer at the end by making out he was a loving dad that only did what he did for his family.....please. Richard kuklinski was a violent sociopath who ruled his family with an iron fist and mercilessly beat his wife to a pulp and terrified his kids with his sudden outbursts of rage. The control richard had over his wife and eventually kids is only very lightly touched on in the film early on when his wife is explaining to their friends how they met and he forced her to out with him but after that he's basically portrayed as your average middle aged family man which he wasn't. In interviews his family said they enjoyed life when he wasn't around and were constantly walking on eggshells when he was. They even mentioned if he started making a clicking noise with his mouth that's when you knew he was about to flip and it would scare them to death. They didn't even bring this "clicking" up in the film which was also a wasted opportunity.

This film seemed to brush over the really interesting parts of kuklinski's life story and drag out the pointless made up parts. Most of the Mob hits/murders thats hes infamous for are quickly mentioned and not shown and the ones that are shown are quite dull and have no build up or tension or pay off. Family parts that go nowhere and add nothing to the story like, he's having sexy time with the wife and the kids ruin it because they have nightmares and they all watch tv in bed together for like 35 seconds and he sends them back to bed and that's it. It added nothing to the film other than to drag it out another 50 seconds. The whole how he became to be known as the iceman is shown in a quick cut montage then explained in 10 seconds by his friend in a hospital hallway. There's no showing the process of him freezing the body or him dumping the body months later or the police finding the body. Its just explained by another character, quickly talked about for 2 seconds and forgotten. The end sting is the worst though, literally 2 scenes with no real build up or any tension and then it's over before you've even had a chance to let it sink in. The real detective that stung kuklinski said he was intimidating and he was scared kuklinski would kill him so it would have been nice to see kuklinski intimidating this guy and feeling him out just in case he was a cop out but None of that here. When they first meet up they talk like two old buddies and richard just straight up tells this stranger how he murders people 5 seconds after he meets him.....really?

This movie should have been done like this ...'early childhood days' 'hitman days ' and then the sting at the end. All parts properly fleshed out and focusing on the main points that make this story fascinating in the first place and not some stupid roy demeo super villain plot, ross geller ripping off colombians and richard being a misunderstood dad who doted over his wife and kids in his down time and just happened to become a hitman one day after losing his job.

So much missed potential and i'm afraid this terrible attempt of a film will stop it being redone right in the future. But, hopefully a director who understands the story better will take a real shot at it and will show the world how evil and sickening richard kuklinski really was without sugar coating the story with soppy old movie tropes.

The Fall of the House of Usher (2023)

great show but.......

[9/10 · 23 October 2023]

I really enjoyed this show but do think it would have been much better without the pointless debauchery in the first few episodes . I mean, did it really add anything to the overall story in the end? Did the dad whilst talking to the interviewer really have to go into great detail about how his many kids like to get off in their downtime? Did it really make the overall story any better? The interviewer even questions him about this and his excuse is "this is what my dead kids want you to know".... sure..... it Just seemed like a terrible way to add some perverted stuff in there to get the attention of todays edgy teens but couldn't fit it in the story any other way so they went with that crap. Complete rubbish and it really did spoil it ....I get they wanna show that the characters are human filth but it could have been done much better, Luckily it pulled itself together and managed to focus without the need for over the top stupid perverted scenes and talk.

That aside i thought this was good show otherwise. It Had some really good and creative ideas and the visually it was very well done. A few jump scares for the kids and some very unsettling visuals and tense build ups. I mean It's not gonna scare you and you aren't gonna lose sleep over it but i thought it was pretty ok by today's standards.

The cast pulled off a great performance and all of the members from the house of usher did come off as truly repulsive and vile (even without the forced useless sex stuff) So when their time comes it was an absolute pleasure to see them get what's coming to them. I honestly don't have anything bad to say about the rest of the cast as i thought they all nailed their parts pretty well.

The plot was pretty straightforward and easy to follow. The time line wasn't liner so you get the end at the start etc it kinda worked and was easy enough to keep up and it kept at least a bit of suspense even though we know the overall outcome. I didn't really like the interview confession scene setup as i find it a bit cheesy and lazy as to me it feels like something thats only done in GCSEs drama at school but the overall story didn't really rely on these scenes only using them for short bursts and somewhere to end up so it did fine.

Would have been a ten if they had not added in pointless smut just to get horny teenagers to watch it but it's a 9 from me because i love poe's stories and i enjoyed their version/spin on it.

Goodnight Sweetheart (1993–2016)

Oy! Ladies present.

[8/10 · 27 September 2023]

What a fantastic little series... i used to love this as a kid and even watching it again years later it still holds up for me and i can binge watch it without a problem.

The first 3 seasons are the best but im afraid it kinda falls off after that. The later seasons do have their moments though but it just feels like they tried dragging it out as long as possible with pointless storylines which kinda tarnished it.

It didn't really need noel coward or yvonne's cringe celebrity name dropping every five seconds (s4 onwards). That stuff aged like milk, especially when she's always talking about being friends with tony and cherie blair. Then There's a rolf harris cameo in it that will make your skin crawl. But apart from that it's worth a watch if you like stupid 90s comedies and a little bit of loose history thrown in. Definitely an 8/10 from me.

Also There's a great little nod to only fools and horses to look out for that involves the bar flap lol.

Insidious: The Red Door (2023)

tell me little brother...

[1/10 · 5 August 2023]

Being the 5th insidious installment i didn't expect a horror masterpiece but this wasn't very well done and seemed to have lost the original appeal it once had.

Feeling like a teenage drama at times more than a horror film i had to remind myself that these movies are not aimed at our age group anymore and as it has been 13 years since the first and as we have grown and our tastes have matured but the franchise has stuck to its original target audience rather than cater to its aging fans. So it might be i just found this movie very tedious and irritating because im now alot older and i can no longer relate to a movies targeted audience or it just wasn't very well done. I'm going with the latter

I couldn't find common ground with any character in this film as they all acted completely off key and it all felt really fake and quite frankly irritating how they talk and interact with each other. I seriously picked up at times the characters really weren't giving it their all and they themselves struggled to act their way through the horrible script. It really felt the script was written solely by AI and that's why they don't seem natural.

Let's talk about dalton. Even though he is the kid from the original it really doesn't mean he should be leading the film especially as He has the acting skills of a wet sock. The guy barely showed any real emotions and just had a complete resting bi*ch face all the way through, even at the end when he was supposed to be happy he just seemed to look miserable. Tbh, I would rather have had his comedic sidekick "chris" take the lead, yeah she was annoying at times but at least she had a personality and was somewhat likable.

I was really looking forward to see where they go with this one but they pretty much just shoved a load of the first one in and tied it to its very weak and flimsy plot. Its like they came up with a story but it couldn't fill the run time so they worked in the first few movies segments and made out they were going full circle and putting an end to it once and for all and tried to pass it off as fan service for original fans but it really didn't pay off that way and it felt sloppy and very lazy. I mean you have "the further" at your fingertips, a whole uncharted world of the afterlife where the possibilities and antagonists are endless and and you just re use the same bad guys you defeated in the first few movies instead of coming up with anything new and interesting? Absolutely no imagination was used in the making of this.

Like i said at the start i wasn't expecting much and the movie it ultimately lived up to that expectation. So it only gets one whole star from me because i can't go any lower.

Prey for the Devil (2022)

i'd rather be possessed than watch this again.

[2/10 · 8 January 2023]

A very box standard exorcism movie with a terrible plot, very lame visual effects and extremely pradictable jump scares. And the twist was pathetic.

I found the main character very unlikable and her actions to be over the top. I get they were trying to make the character a bit rebellious by her wearing dr marten boots under her robes, giving sick children secret sweets and her sneaking into exorcism class that's only meant for the fellas but all i got from her character was she was very disrespectful unless she got what she wanted and personally i thought she came across as very childish and unlikable. She is a nun and knows the ways of the church but she answers back her mother superior, steals classified documents and goes against any warnings given to her by people higher up and not once is she punished and only given a small telling off for causing somebody's death and instead of realistically thrown out the church for being insubordinate. She's also constantly held in high regard by everybody because apparently and has a gift.

The gift she apparently has is being super nice and telling the possessed its ok to feel shame. In the hundreds of years the church has dealt with exorcisms not once did anybody think of telling the possessed in a calm voice its ok ....sure.

There's nothing that really stands out about her from anybody else but everybody around her wont stop kissing her butt for some odd reason and keep stating she has something special and is amazing when she's never really shown doing anything that proves it apart from talking down a demon....who never really left and came back worse!!!

Talking about the people around her, they all seem completely useless in this film. You could pull every character out of this movie except the lead and the little girl and get the same result. They are only there to be in the background or to highlight how great the lead is.

They just seem to pop in and out of scenes every so often to praise or ask for help from the lead.

I was really expecting after the lead kept answering back to her mother superior and things got a bit tense with them that this would anger the mother superior and she would become an antagonist and would try her hardest to sabotage our leads mission to become an exorcist because she still believes in the old ways of the church, but no. She ends up praising the lead and tells father quinn she apparently worries about her...sure.

They also seem to set up some characters as foes with our lead but then in a heartbeat they like her for no reason.

The little girl is not scary and im sure its her first acting role as well because she was just terrible. Pulling stupid faces and stretching your mouth wide while bogging your eyes just looks stupid and not remotely scary. The crappy cgi they added to her made it even worse and you can tell they even noticed this themselves and Eventually they just dressed her up as a cosplay regan and tell her to stand there growling, it was really cringe and nobody would think she was frightening or intimidating even young teenagers.

Now onto father, ex gang member turned priest dante. They couldn't emasculate a character anymore if they tried. I mean this guy was so useless it hurt to watch. 95% of the time he just stood there looking scared or crying and constantly had to be prompted by the lead to do stuff, the other 5% of the time he's making smiley faces to the lead like he's in awe of her even though she's done absolutely nothing to gain this awe. I honestly thought he had a crush on her but no, he just really liked her because apparently she's special.... sure.

Father Quinn played by colin salmon is great in this and his voice is fantastic but he is very underused and hes also smitten by the lead Just Like father dante. He just seems to only stand there or appear to add little bits to the story. He rarely really puts his foot down or takes control in what's going like a normal teacher would or should do, he just seems to let the lead do what she wants. It would have been better if we saw there was a bit of a push and shove situation between him and the lead where they eventually see eye to eye but noooo, once again he just likes her because shes amazing for some reason.

Virginia madsen also makes and appearance in this playing the church psychiatrist who also has every other characters traits. She is also smitten with the lead for no reason and really does nothing but pop in and out to praise the lead.

Spoilers.... so It turns out that the little girl is the daughter of our lead and is the result of a one night stand she had when she was like 15 . How do we know this? Did she take a DNA Paternity test? Find some Hospital or adoption papers or records that prove this? Nope.

The little girl gave father dante some rosary beads after she killed everybody in an ambulance. And they were the same as the ones that our lead gave her daughter when she put her up for adoption. Years before. This is apparently enough evidence to know that this child is her love child 100%. It's never even questioned or double checked, she's just absolutely convinced hands down that the girl is her child without any follow up even though she knows the possessed can manifest things at will and uses manipulation to trick anybody it meets. This is pretty much lore in the possessed movie/story genre so how she and even father dante just went with it is complete bullsh**t and seems completely out of character for our lead whos somebody who claims to see the angles that others don't.

The part where she "exorcises" father dantes sister who then goes on to commit suicide is another part that makes absolutely no sense and shows that all the characters act completely off. Father dantes mum complains to the church about our leads pathetic attempt at a exorcism and she's summons to the high priest with the big ears where all the church cast are. Shes told that her actions caused father dantes sisters death because she thought she cured her so nobody kept an eye on her and she commited suicide.this was not an exorcism sanctioned by the church and It's not mentioned but that leaves them wide open to being sued by father dantes mother. Instead of going all fire and brimstone on her they give our lead a small dressing down and then she tells THEM what's going to be her punishment and thats shes going back to another nunnery and they all just accept it.... try that at your job if your on the verge of being fired for being insubordinate and see what happens lol.

In the end as our lead eventually takes the demon from the little girl and now shes possesed with it and apparently her mum is haunting her and telling her to fight the demon.. our lead trusts this advice from this voice who sounds like the women who brutally abused her as a child and she pulls herself into a pool of holy water they had in a crypt in the bottom of the school. This somehow stops her being possessed and father dante pulls her out before she drowns and she of course lives.

Here's the problem. Did nobody ever think of dunking one of these possessed people in the holy water in the hundreds of years its been there or does it only work if you fight your own demons at the same time or do you need to have the ghost of a schizophrenic person there with you?

Afterwards everything and everyone is fine and once again everybody takes a minute to praise our lead and tell her how special she is and how proud they are and she also gets a promotion to the vatican ....sure.

She takes a cab to go to the airport and while sitting in traffic she spots an elderly women just standing in the street staring her this is followed by a mass of quick cut shots and a possessed guy appears in the taxi next to her and the elderly women is now at the window and she reaches for her cross like shes packing heat and holds it up like she's about unload some biblical bullets in them pesky demons but then its cuts to black and the movie ends.

I honestly can't see anybody finding this interesting ,scary or thought provoking,the story and twist is trash and it uses jumpscares to a unprecedented scale, i swear there's like one every few seconds and the big ones you can see a mile off. The lead comes of as a smug know it all and the rest of the cast only seem to be there to suck up to her. There were points in the film that seemed like they were going in another direction but nothing ever came of it. Maybe if they had elaborated on this points and made some sort of subplot out of them and make the story a bit more complex there would be a better more fleshed out movie.

If you enjoy paranormal films this might be one to give a miss they really lost focus on the story by trying to make a point that really didn't need to be made. I'm not going to elaborate on this point but im sure you now what they were pushing for.

Its a 2 star rating from me.

The Man Who Killed Hitler and Then the Bigfoot (2018)

interesting title but such a dull film

[2/10 · 29 November 2022]

I didn't like the film i found it pretty boring and its a pure flashback fest. Sam elliott's mumbling does my head in and i can't understand half of what he's saying most of the time. He's okay as a side character or in small parts but a whole film of him mumbling away just makes it unbearable.

Going by the title i expected a some sort of comedic action masterpiece, some completely outrageous and farfetched events.(well, more than the hitler/bigfoot thing anyway) the thought of this super assassin who snuffed out hitler and goes on to take out the legend that is bigfoot in his old age sounds awesome but this film takes it way too serious which for me just kills it.

Its a movie about a guy whos near the end of life and full of regret but for some reason they shoved in a hitler and bigfoot story. It wasn't even played for laughs nor did they go all out with it either like inglorious b@stards, it was a depressing serious movie. Why title it like that and make up random stuff about historical events if you're just going to play it straight, depressing and have no real fun with it. This film should have been just about the guys regrets and coming to terms with his life as he knows hes near the end. No stupid hitler or bigfoot plot involved.

Like i said i didn't like it, it might be for some but i found the whole story dumb plus it dragged on so much at times, i didn't care about the character enough to get invested in him and didn't find him likable and i found the hitler and bigfoot parts boring.. I also didn't care about his love life either. I wanted to see nazis getting mowed down and sam elliot punching bigfoot in the face ,not some crappy love story and some old codger getting depressed and looking in the mirror every five minutes. They had a real chance to use sam elliott in a new way in a movie with a crazy title with a even crazier plot and instead of going balls to wall with it and havin sam elliott TKO bigfoot and kicking hitler in the balls making it a remarkable amazing one of a kind film they made it slow dull and boring.

Just one more that got me....the part where he's riding his car with his dog before he finds the scratchcard ,i'm pretty sure they are fake dog paws up on the seat to make it look like the dog is leaning on it. Its just just so unnatural looking the way the dogs sitting. That's how bad this film is, i put more thought about the "maybe fake" dog paws on the seat more than i did the rest of the film.

Never Play with the Dead (2002)

a true supernatural masterpiece.

[1/10 · 25 October 2022]

Let's talk about the plot.

4 kids, one in a wheelchair visit a old asylum in the 1940s. 3 of the boys climb through a side window and leave the boy in the wheelchair outside but they never come out and the boy in the wheelchair is now stranded as he can't move the chair himself..... fast forward to 2002 and we see a gang of friends pull up outside the old asylum and the boy in the wheelchair is still there waiting....ok, i'm kidding about that but it would have been funny seeing his chair and a pile of bones in it but i'm guessing he got found somewhere in between the 40s and 2000s and someone took him home because we never seen him again

Anyway the gang are there to throw an illegal rave for freshers week and hope to cash in on drunk students. They enter the asylum and look around and it's pretty small to be fair as it only has a few rooms and a hallway and the main dj room is pretty cramped. It looked huge on the outside but i guess its like the tardis but in reverse.

The gang settle in and begin to set up and we learn a little about them through forced dialogue and crappy writing.

There's the main guy who is an unlikable git, there's his girlfriend whos boring ,her friend who i think likes his girlfriend more than just friends but i'm not too sure. The dj whose acting is just as awful as his rapping scene, the party planner/filmmaker and his assistant who are pretty dull.....oh yeah, and the local sl*t, who constantly throws herself at the unlikable git.

Nothing really happens after that tbh. There's some love triangle stuff between the git and sl*t and his girlfriend the electrics keep blowing. One of them keeps seeing some ghost boy. This is pretty much 90%of the films plot and just repeats itself over and over until the amazing climax there is some pretty dumb moments in this where they are supposed to be building tension but it goes nowhere It's like: guy 1 "we have to get the party ready but oh no! The lights keep blowing for no reason what's going on?...oh wait. The lights are back on now, its fine" or guy 1; "who flooded this room? You did this didn't you " guy 2; "no i didn't, the tap doesn't work ,see" guy 1; "i don't believe you. Oh wait, there's no pipe going to the the tap, then how did this happen ?..oh well nevermind".

Or girl 1; "oh my god i saw something" girl 2; "what did you see?" girl 1 * says absolutely nothing* girl 2; "you're crazy" girl 1; "no i'm not" a scene of two of the girls dancing in furry leopard string bikinis in a cage that came completely out of the blue and provided nothing to the plot apart from the metal cage they were in got stuck. Was a ghost child that locked them in???...sexy and spooky....not really.

The dj leaves to get a new amp as the ghost kids blew his up and the rest start seeing the kids and completely crap their pants. Instead of leaving straight away they decide to investigate further then one girl notices the layout of the asylum keeps changing and they somehow get lost in an asylum with 4 rooms and one hallway and they get cornered by hanging electrical wires because they have the combined i.q of 12 and one of the girls grabs one of the wires that's sparking like a complete idiot and we fade to black... the dj comes back 1 hour later and sees the place completely smashed up. There's smashed bottles and doritos 3d crisps all over the place and nobody's around. He starts loudly complaining and accusing them of already having the rave without him even though he's only been gone for 1hr and there's no working amp to play music. He walks arounds shouting everybody's names but can't find them in the huge 4 room one corridor asylum. Meanwhile the rest of the the gang now washed out in a blue hue also walk around looking for the dj and they both meet in the same room but the dj sees the bodies of his friends on the floor dead and they are all burnt and crispy. From the live wires. The dj stares for quite a while at his charred friends and then legs it the rest of the gang realise he couldn't see them and they realise they are dead. They accept this with no problem and don't look the slightest bit sad they are now ghosts and walk into a hall where they once again meet the ghost kids. The kids walk up and take their hands and lead them out of the room possibly to get them to help open a jar of ghost jam or something.....the end,

I just watched this on netflix as it seems to have just been put up. Well for me anyway and i gotta wonder why they would pick something that was as bad if not worse as someone's gcse drama project.

Were they wondering around the bbc archives looking for movies to put on and see an old copy of this wedging up a table in the coffee room and decide it would be a great idea to charge people a subscription fee to watch it as a sick joke?

It's such a bad film and the acting and plot are just terrible. Is it watchable? Well of course it is, but not because it's a great movie and has a riveting plot but because you can laugh and cringe all the way through it because it's soo terrible .

Maybe netflix knew this and thought it'd be a great film for people to take the pee out of but honestly i think they would show any old s**t.

Mr. Harrigan's Phone (2022)

they could have picked a kid with some sort of personality to lead this.

[1/10 · 14 October 2022]

A kid with the personality of a potato who sounds like jaden smith high on peyote and xanax gifts a iphone to the old man he reads for 3 times a week.

He teaches the old man who was a ruthless penny pinching stock market tycoon back in his day how to use his new phone and how to browse the internet. One day when alone the old man discovers a video whilst browsing featuring two girls and a cup and drops dead from shock.

Our lead (that kid from the new IT movie) discovers his dead body and instead of calling for medical assistance calls his dad to whine about it and makes his dad call them even though he has a phone himself.

At the old man's funeral our lead makes a funeral even more depressing by giving an educated speech to a bunch of small towns people whom have no idea what on earth he's talking about. Afterwards the kid slips the old man's phone into his chest pocket so he can prank call him and share amazing funny memes after they bury him.

After the funeral the kid is approached by a very stereotypical jewish lawyer who tell him the old boy left him something good.

Luckily We found out it's not a half eaten packet of werther's originals and a bottle of chloroform but 800 thousand quid.

After finding this out he barely breaks a smile or shows any kind of emotion (just like he is all the way through the rest of this film)... after whining some more about everything and monologuing in his most monotone voice ever put to film he sends i miss you texts to a corpse and is surprised when he gets a txt back.

The kid who is in high school and has never heard of of an autopsy or when ones performed believes they buried the old man alive lucilky his dad is there to talk some sense into him by explaining they cut up the old man real good at morgue and there's no chance he would have survived that so it's obvious he wasn't buried alive.

A few days or months go by and things are looking up for our lead.the ugly girl didn't ask him to the prom but the cute iphone girl at his iphone table did and she asked by txt just like any gen z kid would ....or are these millennials ?

Anyway our leads life is on the up. He doesn't have to read to a smelly old man anymore, he's rich, he's got a iphone and he's got a date for the dance but tragedy strikes. Whilst getting on the school bus he spots the school bully selling some doobies to a very strange looking kid and the bully sees him looking over. Conveniently the bully gets caught off camera and expelled from school for dealing the devils lettuce and believes it was our lead who snitched him out and gets his revenge at the school dance.

After beating our lead to a bloody pulp the bully leaves and whilst getting his beaten smuggy face cleaned up by his science teacher our lead comes on to her by complimenting her on her nice soapy smell.

After that awkwardness he gets home and he rings the dead old man, whos corpse is by now being consumed by every creepy crawly and worm harlow has to offer and tells him he wishes the bully was dead. The old boy gets his voicemail and goes out gets things done. The next day the bully is dead and now the town doesn't have a plug for its weed.

After this our lead feels guilty and moans some more and decides to upgrade his phone so he's not tempted to call or use his hitman corpse again. Somehow he managed to keep his number and just swapping his actual phone not the sim stopped the old dead guy.from dropping him strange cryptic txts and cold calling him .. i'm no expert but that won't stop him from ringing you. He still has your number!!!

Anyway our lead goes off to college and becomes a practicing journalist and school paper editor which consists of pointing at pictures of news paper clippings to other people and in his down time he likes listening to depressing country and western songs.once again everything is going great for him until..............his high school science teacher dies!!!!

He goes back to maine ,i mean harlow..harlow is in maine..and Finding out it was a no good jock/chad that killed her when he crashed into her whilst drunk. He's upset and furious when he finds out the guy got put in a cushty prison for his crime and is getting it easy so he decides it's time to dust off his old iphone and call for for backup and get revenge... he calls the dead guy and tells him to kill and a day or so later the chad is dead. Our lead whos not very bright goes on fact finding mission to figure out how the chad died and then realises it was him that got the chad killed by calling his dead hitman on him...well duhhhh !

After finally catching on He Now realizes that having a dead hitman at your beckon call is not a good thing and he convinces himself the texts the old man was sending him from beyond the grave were code telling him its bad to ask a dead man to kill people and he wants him to do well in life.when in fact it wasnt code it was just almost impossible to type a text message when your fingers are rotting off and your trapped in a dark box 6ft underground. After We get a little more more preachy boring monolougling and he throws the phone into the river, the end.

If you enjoy a boring predictable story and enjoy watching a teenager that has no personality whos boring, acts like pensioner and does absolutely nothing but whine all the way through the film and sprout preachy book quotes then this load of crap is for you,

The Black Phone (2021)

good movie but....

[7/10 · 1 July 2022]

Overall it's a great film and i enjoyed it from beginning to end but i'm sorry i got a rag on some of the parts in this film that just made me scratch my head during the basement scenes we see our boy finn accumulate a varirty of useful weapons.

A mattress filled with sharp wire springs.

Broken tiles.

The top of the toilet seat.

Power cord.

Rolled up carpets.

A heavy metal grate from the window.

Plates.

Glass bottles.

Parts of a freezer.

Lumps of concrete.

His sharp space rocket toy

and of course the big ol phone on the wall.

He had access to most of these item very early on. And could have used many if them to hurt or kill the grabber. He could have used the carpet that he leaned up to window to climb up and use his flash light to alert somebody. After he accidentally removed the metal grate he could have done the same thing but smash the window and escape.

Put the rolled up carpets on the bed to trick the grabber it him and hide on one side if the door with the toilet lid and waited for the guy to come down and beat him over the head with it. The kid could have just smashed the window with the phone and screamed until somebody came to the rescue. The grabber wouldn't have heard him, he couldn't hear or feel the kid bashing a wall through with a huge toilet lid for like 45 mins.

While walking past the grabber when he was sleeping stab him with anything sharp like shanking someone in prison. Don't stop stabbing until he's dead also this kid had so much help from ghosts and his little sister did he really accomplish anything apart from giving the grabber a hiding near the end ?

Also it's lucky that just the right amount of kids in his area died so he had just enough advice from each of them to get out alive. Would've Sucked if he'd been kidnapped a little earlier.

Phone rings: hello what's the next clue ? Sorry buddy you are the next clue " hangs up the phone.

It has flaws but it's a good movie and i really enjoyed it. 7/10.

From (2022– )

it's lucky its getting a 5

[5/10 · 29 May 2022]

A very interesting plot, but my god they do love a good ol chinwag dont dont they?

When i first heard about this i was excited because i love these sort of programmes. Anything with a twist, anything supernatural, anything that'll make you scratch your head and think and i'll watch it. The thing is with this is the plot/story is on point and interesting , but the actors and the writing suck so bad so bad it kills the plot.

It's clearly using the old tv show 'lost' formula to drag it out , it feels like its 35 minutes of characters talking about feelings and 5 minutes of very little action or explanation followed 10 mins of more talking and then a cliffhanger They even hit the flashback button by episode 8 and we are only on the first season.i. Mean come on...

Some of the acting in this is horrendous but i'm mainly talking about the extras and the little fat kid who whines his lines. The rest of the cast do an ok job. Harold Perrineau does a great job at playing michael and Corteon Moore does ok at playing walt....wait.... i'm sorry i got that mixed up, its boyd and ellis, i got my 'lost' mixed up with my 'from'...sorry.

I gave it a 5 because i like the story but loses 5 stars due to the dragged out boring never ending talking scenes and lack of anything creepy or half interesting to watch. I hope the second season picks up otherwise it'll be a great loss.

Some of the seasons ridiculous highlights for me were:

the little fat kid telling his dad to shut up and leave him alone and his dad walking off looking defeated.

Arthur fleck from the joker(2019) making a special guest appearance by drawing pictures and eating peaches and carrying a lunch box.

The daughter worrying if the parents are going to divorce while they are stuck in a town they can't ever leave and are being hunted by ghouls who come out at night and try to rip them apart. Yeah divorce seems the most important thing to worrying about right now

Why did the set up a radio station on the ground outside rather than on the actual roof that way they could have used less cable and also using it outside instead of indoors where its dry and it won't get affected by spontaneous not so obvious rain storms that just so happened to turn up right at the pivotal point

In the "previous episode" highlight reel for one episode they thought putting the part where the little fat boy says "oh look sweet potatoes" to his mum was worth it or relevant to put in for the audience to remember......it wasn't.

I Am Hooligan (2016)

remember. people paid good money for this monstrosity to be made.

[1/10 · 8 May 2022]

If you get past the first 15 mins you have clearly no respect for yourself and enjoy being tortured by shoddy filmmaking and acting so bad a pre school nativity play would put it to shame.

Wanna see a movie made for a few hundred quid and them getting their mates to act in it for free? Then watch this

Whoever edited this was on gear because it was all over the place and he couldn't keep it still on one shot for more than a few seconds. Even during the slow talking scenes it's all over the place. Chopping to another useless angle speaking of useless angles, Guess it could have been the camera mans Fault as well because i'm pretty sure they employed a kid with A,D,D to film the thing. There were some very dodgy dutch angles and points where the camera was zoomed right in on peoples faces for no reason, i'm guessing his past experience before making crappy football hooligan films was making the erotic kind of movies my dad used to hide in his sock drawer. There's no reason for close ups that are that close to the actors face.

The colour correction was all over the place, one shot it was dark the next really bright even in the same room they couldn't keep consistency

Same with the sound editing. In some points i could hear the background better than the cast. Then again with the awful acting this might have been done on purpose.. It all felt very unnatural and uncomfortable to watch.

The plot is just another box standard hooligan movie but its done so bad..is so bad it's not even "so bad it's good bad" kinda thing it's just bad .

The acting is beyond terrible, the production is a complete mess and it feels cheap dirty and not very well made.

Also Who ever directed this tried to pay homage to (or copy parts of ) clockwork orange. There were a few scenes that stood out where you could see this. One when they are walking by the river and another when they are having a fight in a barn and classical music is playing amongst a few others in the film. I'm sure if stanley kubrick would have still been alive he would have been very impressed with the directors shoddy cheap nasty shots that showed no talent whatsoever behind them and completely b@stardized his work.

Poor sod was probably rolling in his grave when this was being made. If you are gonna copy or pay homage to someone do it right and put some effort into it. Sticking on some random classical music on while they fight another gang or playing the music from the clockwork orange film while they walk down the river footpath is just being lazy and cringy seeing though the rest of your film looks like it was made on special offer for £19.99

Should you watch this online ... no. Save your bandwidth and watch something good.

If your friend gives you the dvd you'll get more fun out of it using it as a frisbee and he's probably not a friend at all for lending it to you.

Best off just binning it.

Awaydays (2009)

what the hell was that about eh?

[5/10 · 7 May 2022]

Here we have your typical run of the mill football hooligan movie with the main character wanting to be in with the local firm because he has a hankering for a bit of ol fisti cuffs and needs to let off some of his teenage frustration.

Unfortunately for our lead the firm is from the rough area and he's not. He's completely out of his depth when he thinks he can run with them and fit in completely but what he doesn't realise is they have been brought up hard but together where as he has had it easy and no ties to them they have a comradery and to them he will always be an outsider he will never be accepted but being cocky he believes he knows better.

He is so headstrong he ignores advice from a lad in the firm who is trying to go the other direction as him and wants out. They both use each other to try gain their goal, one to be a hooligan and the other to get more in with the cultured crowd and escape the firm and violence but the more they push the worse it gets.

I didn't enjoy this film as much as i hoped, i thought the main guy was a complete t0$$er. He had no likable quality to him whatsoever. There was nothing there that made me invest in him so i didn't care about his ups and downs. The rest of he cast did fine i guess, apart from stephen graham who nails all his roles . It was definatly ametuer hour. Not necessarily a bad thing but it is noticeable. Just like them terrible fake accents they couldn't do or keep consistent.

The plot is fine but its a bit here and there and some things don't go anywhere or felt pretentious and it felt a bit repetitive. Some parts just happen out of nowhere and are never explained or followed up and leave you wondering if you missed some dialogue.

It's not a very exciting hooligan movie but i think its meant to be more coming of age with the hooligan thing as a side story.but it leaned on the hooligan thing to get noticed so i'm going off that. Great effort but it's nowhere near as entertaining as some of the others out there.

Also it's nice to see a northern hooligan movie for once.

I gave it a 5 because i like the soundtrack and i thought they captured 70s britain very well set wise. The rest was a bit dull im afraid.

The Mother the Son the Rat and the Gun (2021)

started out strong

[3/10 · 23 April 2022]

Started out strong but lost momentum very quickly .

The movie starts out with the leader of a crime family getting snuffed out on a golf course by a hitman and we see his widow step up to take the reigns of his criminal empire with the help of her son but it soon becomes clear that she bit off more than she can chew and struggles to keep everything and everyone in line.

Though the cast is very strong but the plot unfortunately isn't. It's a very predictable story and its twist reveals its hand way too early in the film which makes the last act boring and it dragged really bad towards its unsatisfying end.

Something that bothered me though Not sure if they were tributing reservoir dogs or just ripping a huge part of it off completely but its all i could think about during some scenes.

Overall its a watchable film very solid in parts and the actors really do shine but it's no classic though and will be forgotten very quickly among all of the other of the U. K''s attempts to make the perfect gangster movie.

Spiral (2021)

A typical saw movie.

[4/10 · 5 April 2022]

Niot much to say really. Its a typical saw movie. Bad acting, over the top story line, over engineered death traps and and a dumb ending. Its a saw movie through and through.

Not going to dog on it because i knew what to expect from it but one thing that stands out and makes it unbearable was the soundtrack. Nothing justified having those horrible "rap" tracks play in bursts throughout the film. In some films it works but with this it was just odd..

it Was good to see rock play a straight role for once and i think he did well. A little unbelievable at times with some of his lines but i think that was just some of the daft script he was given so i ill cut him some slack,i gotta remember it is a saw movie after all so the writers are probably drunken edgy 15 yr old kids thinking they are writing a masterpiece.

Overall its watchable. It's not brilliant or any good but if you find yourself bed bound with a head cold like me and want something to watch that's easy to follow and has them fully explain the full plot again right at the end so you know what happened because you missed large chunks of it because you couldn't be bothered to pay attention half way through then this film is for you.

Truth Seekers (2020)

I really wanted to like this but its making it very hard for me

[5/10 · 15 February 2022]

From the start it seemed very promising, when I saw malcolm mcdowell playing the dad i thought this is gonna be gold. So I watched the first and second episode back to back and it seemed ok. It wasn't comedy gold or anything but I assumed it was just warming up as its a new series and it needs a little time to find its feet and for the cast to settle in.

From the outset I got gravity falls kinda vibe from it with its way it approaches the supernatural. It's not just straight up ghosts but very openminded and try's new things with a twist of comedy. It also throws a lot of nods to films such a ghostbusters Star Wars, dr who etc which I think is fine . It's clearly aimed at the geek culture crowd.

The cast from the outset seem ok. Nick frost and Samson Kayo play off each other pretty well. Nick frost plays the experienced broadband installer to a tee. ( I worked with a guy like him in the past and it was scary how similar they are ) and Samson nails the wet behind the ears appreciate who's not quite sure what's going on but tries his best to be pleasant. Simon peg makes a brief reoccurring cameo as the boss and comes across very entertaining and malcolm mcdowell plays a great miserable old fart.

The show seems to have a story per episode where it focuses on one myth which leads to the other. I would have preferred one myth stretching out over a few episodes so it can be slowly built up but they jump from one story to another pretty quick which left it feeling very stale and unfulfilling.

I was hoping that the main 2 guys get a very established relationship and we get to see them set up a ghostbusters kinda crew before they introduce the rest of the characters but they just rush the other two in very early while things are certainly not settled between the main guys.

And then we get to the plots and story. I'm not sure sure who this show is aimed at. The ghosts remind me from something from dr who where they are lame enough for kids but then we get the cast swearing up a storm and talking a mature dialogue so I'm not sure ? I get that's its meant to be a dark comedy but the "bad guys" in this are just cheesy and horrible. The flash back scene where they show the origins of the book felt like it was cut out from a horrible history episode it was just bad and seemed so out of place.

I just started an episode where they are going to check out the beast of Bodmin Moore. And 5 mins in I just gave up. The background cult back guy( dr Toynbee ) is just cheese and is like something out of a kids tv show( think goosebumps ) and the shows formula is clearly going with the ol they are gonna hop to mystery after mystery while a dark cult plot runs behind it and after. In Each one Elton is gonna find a secret door on accident and they are gonna wrap it up when gus figures it out by looking it up. Meanwhile astrid and Elton's irritating sister mooch about.

I know I shouldn't judge before I've finished it but how do they expect me to when everything about annoys me and makes me want to hate it ? It's very slow in alot of parts and story's either end abruptly or with a unsatisfyingly ending and some of the characters are horrible and have no reason being in this but just to be irritating. Malcom mcdowell quickly becomes insufferable with his internet obsession over the other insufferable character ,Helen. He starts off being a straight to point miserable old fart to a jabbering teenage fan girl who all of a sudden likes a girls make up channel and realises she's a shut in because he's lonely too. Behave will you. It's just cringe and a complete waste of a great actor.

Helen is no better and just comes across as horrible and demanding. Yeah she has issues but it doesn't excuse her horrible personality and constant face pulling. If it was the writer's intention for everyone to hate her they completely nailed it. She's a big part of why the show was ruined. You have ghosts and cults and books that burn themselves why on earth do we need a character like that ?

Over all the show has all the right tools but for the wrong job. They want it to be a mystery hunter story for adults but seems to use a kids plot line and use cheesy ghosts and baddies. They have an all star cast but use them in the wrong way. The only saving grace was nick frosts character gus who did seem like the only fleshed out one. The rest just seemed like they were doing improv.

A little fine tuning with the story. Keep the ghosts/mystery's dark and always serious and use only the characters for the comic relief. Drop the excess baggage that's not needed(Helen). Just because Elton is a boy Doesn't mean he has to fancy astrid.. the 90s are over, let that trope die.

Keep mcdowll a strictly serious person. He's much funnier as a man out of place with the world rather than the opposite and being an obsessed fan boy who's old.

This might save it. Because right now it's a coming across as a terrible rip off scooby doo with no charm or charisma or plot or good actors or decent storyline....

Bone Tomahawk (2015)

i'll meet it halfway....ish

[4/10 · 14 January 2022]

Not the greatest western i've seen but not the worst but then again it's meant to be a horror mashup which i don't really see. Yeah it's got some gore but not a lot and most of it the camera cuts to reaction shots right at the point of impact so if it is meant to be a horror its very weak at best.

Great cast and a couple of good characters but i didn't care for the wife part, sorry but she was just the damsel in distress, this film could have been done without her and still had the same outcome it was a pointless role just like the mayor or indian professor. I thought near the end she would add some major part to story but nope.... just gets saved and goes home.

Some of the dialogue felt forced and wooden and stupid .like the mayor's wife saying "why wasn't my husband "THE MAYOR" informed of this"....i mean, come on! I felt like i wanted to turn it off at that point. It felt like it was delivered like a six yr old at a school play. You have a great leading cast and you give them dialogue like this? It was definatly amatreur hour in the writers room that day.

I never really felt i was immersed in this film. I knew i was watching a movie if you know what i mean. I didn't feel no suspense There was really no interest because most of it felt forced or boring and that's even in the good parts. My attention kept drifting off especially at mr broken leg mans parts and i found myself playing games on my phone.

Tho it is a tad bit slow its alright, i wouldnt say its a great film but it's watchable if you have a couple of hours to kill. I was told this film was amazing and really gory but i didn't find either watching it. If you like westerns then stick to the classics. You're not missing much here.

*bonus round*

Why did nobody make a noise when getting kidnapped? A scream in a tiny town like that would wake the dead

Why didn't they usher more men from a nearby town to mob up properly rather than take just 4 people? Yeah your in a rush but better safe than sorry.taking an old man and a cripple isn't really gonna help going up against inhumane man eating troglodyte indians

Why on earth would you take a guy with a broken leg on a 3 day expedition? Hes obviously going to do more harm than good Surly taking/forcing the indian professor who knew about tribes and such would have been better help even if he didn't fight.

How did the guy with broken leg figure out that the throat thing had meaning just by looking at it And then decided right away to cut it out and pocket it knowing he would need it for later? He never saw them communicating and we never saw him figure it out. As far as he thought it was "some kind of jewelry" then just gets his knife out and starts slashing away at it.

How did he figure out you can just blow through and it would summon more troglodytes ?

Everybody is also a fantastic shot and one shot instantly kills the baddies.

What set off the bells the first night out camping ?

Did the old man ever get to read a book in the tub without getting his book wet ?

Hurt (2018)

it HURT sitting through this complete snorefest

[1/10 · 12 December 2021]

Im sorry but this movie absolutely sucked... it would have more fun watching paint dry.

First off I couldn't get invested in the characters. The lead came off as irritating and the boyfriend? Well It's implied he has ptsd but even when he's not having his episodes of sweating while looking in the mirror he's just completely gone and seems like he's in another world. These two have no chemistry whatsoever even when they are getting along. Nobody seems to blend well with anybody i think that's the point but it's irritating. I just didn't feel interested in them and couldn't care less about either of them or what would happen to them.

This film starts and goes at a snail's pace and is very uneventful and i get it, they live boring lives and nothing happens where they live but did the audience need to be bored to death in the process with them? I swear i almost slipped into a coma due to lack of stimulus during this movie.

I get it was done to build up the suspense for the climatic ending but the ending is also very boring so it really doesn't work. All you've done is made a really boring movie with a boring ending.

By the time it gets to the fairground point we pretty much get shown what's going to happen and whose responsible so what the point of boring everybody to death for over an hour with nothing if that's how sloppy you introduce the bad guys ?? You could have just made a normal slasher film.

Obviously This isn't a masterpiece in film making history, its trying to make out its something but the plot is garbage and no matter how many dumb longshots of houses or fields you slap in trying to be artsy and edgy it's not going to save it. Its boring and dull and you aren't in film school anymore so cut it out.

I don't care about the point the director was trying to get across with this either. I'm not interested in the films message or bothered the meaning about the masks. I'm not interested because i'm not invested. For a solid hour or so i sat there bored off my face expecting this great twist coming up or something amazing as a payoff for the long boring time i had to endure the mess of a plot that i was made to watch and all i got was an ending that was cheesy and boring and i'm supposed to care about the directors little subtle nods are . Pffft please.

There's nothing smart or special about this film the plot is box standard and tbh pretty stupid. The characters are irritating and boring and editing and long wide shots are just as boring. And the final act is the most pathetic attempt at a horror/slasher/thriller or whatever they were trying to accomplish i've ever witnessed because the minute i saw the words "look" written on a wall in blood multiple times around a door frame with bloody arrows accompanying them pointing to the same door. I just lost it ...to make it worse she just follows the instructions and walks through the door like an idiot .i just gave up all hope trying to figure out what this movie was supposed trying to be. It honestly felt like something out of looney toons.

This movie clearly tries to be something it isn't. It tries to come across as artistic and deep or a new age kinda film but it's really just a bargain bin slasher film tarted up trying to fit in with the art crowd.

Avoid this!!! It's not deep or meaningful there is no unnerving feeling about it like it claims. Its boring and stale and unimaginative.

The Simpsons in Plusaversary (2021)

i can't watch this anymore ...R.I.P the simpsons

[1/10 · 27 November 2021]

I have such fond memories growing up with the simpsons. Me and my friends would quote lines from the show even into adulthood. But for a good few years the simpsons has been on the decline. The jokes aren't funny, the episodes are dull and p.c and the spark just isn't there. I knew it wasn't good when i started to hate the characters i once loved and i think you can even tell the voice actors are no longer with it and are clearly just there for the cash there's no passion anymore.

I haven't watched a new episode in a while as it hurts to see how horrible they have become but i saw this this and thought "ok,it can't be that bad"for some reason i thought it was a christmas special or something. But after 1 minute in its clearly just advert for disney+.

I got to the point where they were encouraging you to stick your kids in front of the t.v and you should subscribe to their channel otherwise you'll make the stockholders cry.they kept showing all the companies disney now own on a mobile phone. I get it's meant to be a joke but its not very good and it felt cheap and tacky and the jokes are horrible.

Like Moe can't understand donald duck, says he must be choking. Barney tries to give him the heimlich. He's not. Choking End of joke ....where's the payoff ? Who wrote that crap and thought it was funny ? Drunk homer pulls out an old quote from the 1986 movie stand by me to goofy "i don't know if your a dog or a cow blah blah blah". They couldn't think of anything better than that ? They stole a "joke from the 80s" The writing genius has clearly gone and all we are left with are complete idiots.

I'm done with the simpsons, i honestly felt bad after seeing this and how horrible it's become.

Im never watching the simpsons again i just can't. Its like watching someone cooking your favorite meal but instead of cooking it just right then giving it you at the right time they keep cooking it and spitting in it till its burnt to a crisp and all your left with is something that resembles something you love absolutely destroyed because the chef was disgusting and lazy and had no clue how to handle it .