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Reviews
Match Point (2005)
Woody Allen has gone mad!!!!!
I can't think too hard right now...I'm watching the San Antonio Spurs beat the New Jersey Nets...it's Friday...I finished classes earlier today...and I haven't moved in like 4 hours, so needless to say, I'm a tad groggy.
Thankful I am that Match Point, Woody Allen's only critically praised movie in my state of intellectual existence, is a pile of generic garbage glazed ever so lightly with enough cheap high-art ploys that certain individuals actually enjoyed it beyond it's dry dialogue and dreadful plot development.
I swear on my DVD copy of Manhattan that this movie's plot development is one of the most agonizing experiences in recent memory. Actually, it's laughable.
Like many others have expressed, I too have no strength to write a proper review of this movie. I just want to bring the rating down from an undeserving 8 out of 10!!!
Nothing that happens in this movie is believable, including the fact that critics say "Woody is Back!". This movie is a bad day. It's one of those "days" where unbelievable occurrences keep happening and happening, creating an excruciating pain deep in your stomach.
Don't believe anyone who praises this movie...they in love with it's sleek British sexiness. This movie has no heart, it's not funny, and it tells no truth about the human condition (despite an overt attempt by Woody Allen early on, at establishing Chris Wilton's (main character) philosophy about luck playing a largely significant role in the outcome of life......ooooohhhhhhhhh Match Point!) The aforementioned philosophy quickly dissipates and gives way to the obvious route of the plot: the incredibly trite tale of seductress lures impressionable (humble by social-status, but this isn't true at all) male. That is the interesting part. The last 30-45 minutes are horribly painful, as FAR TOOOOOOO MUCH TIME IS SPENT ON WHAT THE TWO MAIN CHARACTERS ARE GOING TO DO ABOUT THE AFFAIR. Let me give you an example of the final 30 to 45 minutes of Match Point:
Chris: I lust for you! Nola: You're married
Sex
Chris: I desire you! Nola: Me too!
Sex
Chris: I must have you! Nola: Where is this going! Chris: ............
Sex
Chris: I really must have you now! Nola: I need to know this is for sure! Chris: I'll tell her in a week
Sex
Chris: I'll tell her next week.
Sex
Chris: We're at the country house, I'll tell her when we get back.
Sex (a day later)
Nola: I WANT TO BE WITH YOU! WHY WON'T YOU TELL HER?!?!? Chris: I don't know, what do you want from me?!?! Nola: I'm pregnant.
Sex
Nola: What say you!!!! Chris: I'll leave my wife tomorrow.
Sex
So basically this keeps going on, while all the while Chris comes to the insane conclusion that he must take deadly actions....oooooohhh, I wonder what it could be. Maybe it's so tough to figure out since tales of affair never end up in anyone's eternal demise.
This movie is a joke of a story, and Woody Allen doesn't deserve the praise. He was once a freaking genius, but much like Mic Jagger, he has held on somehow, and let critics tolerate him long enough to eventually feel enough pity for him to utter the words of praise.
Freejack (1992)
Mick Jagger can't act, but his helmet and accent sure are fun. So is the Spiritual Switchboard. Noooooo!!!!!!!
Ya know, some people have mentioned why the rating is so low; well, I can't believe this freakin' rating is so high. I think your all misunderstood. Isn't it bad enough that the names Mack MacCandless, Vick Vacendack, Mic Michellete, and Alex Furlong exist? Isn't it bad enough that the graphics in this movie reach an all time low?...lower than "Shakedown"...lower "Frost (Portrait of a Vampire)"...even lower than modern day Sci-Fi behemoth "Battlefield Earth". Have you all not experienced Mick Jagger's ridiculous costume and ridiculous acting? Have you failed to examine his foreign lisp and cheesy one-liners? Has no one realized that this is right there with "The Running Man" as one of the very worst original screenplays ever created? I mean come on: The Spiritual Switchboard? Bonejackers? Freejacks? The Labotamizer? "We had no intention of harming your natural life," says Anthony Hopkins. Well, "I hate to tell you this, but..." you harmed mine.
Why has everyone failed to consider the perverted and disgusting event of Alex Furlong (Estevez) having sex with Jules (Russo) when she is 45 years old in the future after he is freejacked? Why has everyone passed on slandering this major piece of bone jacked ear nibbling? Despite my negativity, I can't deny the hilariousness of this movie. I own it on DVD, I mean, c'mon; this is classic rottenness we're talking about. Mick Jagger driving around in futuristic green army tanks chasing Emilio Estevez, calling him a freejack, uttering things like "Ok, let's do it" and "One-Mississippi, two-Mississippi". This is definitely the early 90's Battlefield Earth and everyone should be able to bare witness to it's unbridled horrible nature.
One of my favorite parts is where the Indian cab driver says "bonejackers!" Hey, there's no way this is a spoiler. I have told you nothing of the outcome, because nothing needs to be mentioned other than the cold hard fact that this movie blows.
Goodbye.
Be Cool (2005)
Who's laughing? I'll laugh at Be Cool, but never with it.
I still don't know what to say. What is Be Cool? Who is Be Cool? Why is Be Cool? Evidently, Get Shorty has a strong fan base and the movie is supposedly worth my time, but if Get Shorty is half the movie Be Cool is, it's definitely worth my time. With such a veteran cast of legit actors, one has to think: "this can't be that bad, can it?" I guess it can and is.
John Travolta...known in a positive light as the patchiest actor since the biblical star Meriam. That's B.C.!!! Greece, Blow Out, Saturday Night Fever, Carrie, etc..........Followed by the dark 80's where he fell virtually off the face of the Earth.........Followed by a real comeback with Pulp Fiction (largely due to Tarrentino)........Followed by the worst string of movies from a huge star maybe ever. Be Cool is no exception. It is truly the worst.
Was I supposed to laugh at this movie? I didn't. Does this black list me? I simply sat there with my jaw dropped, contemplating why Travola, Thurman, and Keitel would join Cedric the Entertainer, Andre 3000, The Rock, and Christina Milan in a movie. I wasn't entertained. In a movie about entertainment, no a comedy, in which the cast is full of prominent entertainers, I wasn't entertained. That's a testimony to how much of a piece this movie was. The Rock was utterly annoying. Christina Milan can't act, wait, actually who is Christina Milan. Vince Vaughn I basically wanted to punch in the face. Cedric the Entertainer was fine as usual, but in such a stupid role, it didn't matter. Finally, Andre 3000 also can't act.
I still don't know if this is a parody on Hollywood pop culture or not. If it is, that would help it make more sense, but still doesn't make it funny. If it's simply a comedy, no spoof element at all, it's so unbelievably bad that I simply want to die.
Perhaps the worst thing about this is everything. Perhaps even worse is John Travolta's tan. Perhaps even worse is The Rock's monologue from Bring it on. But perhaps the one that takes the cake is the cliché Hollywood B.S. that this movie laced with.
Don't bother with this...is not even good enough to laugh at.
I Heart Huckabees (2004)
Fun, Fast, and Furious...but not a crooked camera angle or a Ludicrous song in sight!?!?!?!
A delectable delight for your pseudo intelligent viewing pleasure. I saw I Heart Huckabees twice in the theaters, bought it on DVD, and have watched it about 4 or 5 times since; it's simply THAT FUN! However enjoyable it is (I'll put up no fight here), it's ultimately important not to get fooled by what many people say about this movie achieving super-human status. This movie is a comedy, and an independent art piece. So really, it's an art comedy. But in reality, it still remains a quality "comedy flick". The exploration of existentialism is perhaps the movies front-running theme, and seems of the utmost artistic quality at first glance, sort of like a paramount Woody Allen film without the slapstick (see Love and Dealth c.1975). However, this is surely not the case when this movie is fully critiqued.
I like to call it "Existentialism dumbed down for the masses", which is perfectly fine when making a "nice comedy". All in all don't mistake this movie for "GREATNESS", and simply enjoy it for what it is: a nice comedy.
You will laugh. Mark Wahlberg delivers (in my opinion) his best performance, as the brash, yet sensitive Fireman, Tommy Corn. Lilly Tomlin and Dustin Hoffman as the Existential Detectives simply rule. Jude Law (love him or hate him) delivers yet again. Finally, Jason Schwartzman does his thing as Albert Markovski, the confused environmental activist.
This is one of those movies you can always watch, like Back to the Future, or Office Space, or Goonies. The fact that it is very artsy fartsy and visually stimulating doesn't catapult it into classic status.
The End of Suburbia: Oil Depletion and the Collapse of the American Dream (2004)
We're Living in the Bubble of a Consensus Trance!!!
The End of Suburbia, as it should appeal to general citizens & mass consumers alike, is likely to become of cultural reform status. The film uses super-cynical analysis by authors, policy makers, and social philosophers on the paradox created by Suburban-Style living--mainly in the Post-War era.
What we have created in America is a place with "none of the amenities of country life, and none of the amenities of urban city life." This is the prescription that is laid out for suburbia, and the film focus's on the singular idea of "Oil". Basically, in the most general sense, that the world is nearing or at it's peak oil production, and when we realize this in full, major lifestyle changes will be in effect, whether by our best interest or forced violently upon us by a quality of living even the slum-dwellers of Calcutta couldn't describe to us.
If nothing more, the end of Suburbia will siphon the viewer flush in their gut, creating a sickening feeling. This is bound to happen. It's a bleak outlook on our inherent way of life. The ambivalence lies particularly in each respective viewers critical analysis of the film. I foresee many unprepared viewers slandering the film as smug liberal propaganda--like a Michale Moore film. What they fail to consider is that a reaction like this is all too normal when such a message hits so unbelievably hard to the lifestyle of the vast majority of the masses.
This is the truth, and as a student studying City Planning, I can tell you that we better get prepared now, because what slim chance we have of maintaining quality of life in this dwindling cesspool of tampered resources is fading faster than a race of people stricken by the black plague.
Leviatán (1984)
Can A Movie Be This Bad and Exist!!!!
I really don't know what the hell to say. Yes Alice Cooper's voice is over-dubbed, and everyone else's if I remember correctly. This movie is so fuzzy to your site Alice Cooper's look like trees and Monster Dogs look like Alice Coopers. One great part is where one of Alice's band mates gets his head blown off by either and gun or the Monster Dog (I can't remember). In either occurrence, the effect is of the utmost comedy, and if you enjoy bad cinema, like my friends and I, you will enjoy that segment. The whole movie actually is quiet enjoyable if your life's mission is seeking out ways to funkify your taste and comfort level. Such a horrid movie, so low budget, so Alice Cooper, so amazing I found this at the rental place and enjoyed watching it with a continuous chuckle. The worst movie I have ever seen, and that's saying a lot from a guy who's seen over 28 Gary Busey films and Battlefield Earth!