tarbosh22000 Reviews

Black Cobra (2012 Video)

All very silly

[5/10 · 13 September 2024]

Sizwe Biko (Storm) is just trying to live his South African life in South Africa, when, under the apartheid government, his father Sipho Biko (Chinyamurindi) is imprisoned. Sizwe makes it his mission to free his father, which may seem like a daunting task, but he has some aces up his sleeve. One, he's a master Martial Artist, seemingly taught by his now locked-up dad, Two, he has a cache of diamonds that he can sell in order to bribe the corrupt prison guards into letting his father out, and Three, he also has some American connections to offload the diamonds quickly for cash. So Sizwe heads to Hollywood, where he meets up with some old buddies.

When his diamond-fencing contact, a sleazy producer named Nicholas Dean (Wolfe) betrays Sizwe and his friends, things go bad. Quickly bad. Now the head of the local Yakuza, Goro Tanaka (Tagawa), the local law enforcement, and seemingly everyone else is on Sizwe's tail. To make matters worse, his wife is coming to L. A. to check up on him. Will our hero be able to illegally sell his illegal diamonds? Well, he's doing it for a good reason, and he IS the Black Cobra, after all...

Not to be confused with the classic Fred Williamson series of films, this particular Black Cobra has nothing whatsoever to do with The Hammer. You'd think the makers of quote-unquote "Urban" films would have been familiar with the fact that a Black Cobra already existed. It's hard not to think of Fred, who will always be first in our hearts, but T. J. Storm performs more than admirably. His fish-out-of-water Sizwe character is a decent person and likable enough. Storm gets to display his Martial Arts moves perhaps better than ever before, because this is his only starring role to date.

To get a sense of what we're dealing with here, some comparison films are: Razor Sharpe (2001), The Ultimate Fight (1998), The Ultimate Game (2001) (also with Storm), or No Rules (2005). If you liked any or all of those - i.e. Low-budget fight-em-up flicks of faltering fortunes, you will no doubt like Black Cobra as well. However, unlike those aforementioned outings, Black Cobra could reasonably be described as a "Homie Movie". Interestingly, despite the filmmakers' budgetary limitations, they concocted a stew of different genres here: Heist Films, Homie Movies, Martial Arts, Gangster Films, Fish-Out-Of Water dramas, Foreign (African and Japanese languages are spoken at times), and even dashes of Romance and Comedy come into play. One of the group of Sizwe's pals is named Mpho (Mafate). Because that's not a name we are used to hearing, combined with perhaps some audio issues, characters with accents, or just not the greatest enunciation, it sounds like they're calling him "Info" or "Nympho". I guess it's just all part of the crazy fun.

The whole first section of the film (all the parts before Sizwe gets to Hollywood) is edited with these quick fade-outs and flashes that make it all seem like one big trailer. We were worried this was going to last for the entire film, but luckily it doesn't. Pretty soon, fighting characters are yelling, yelling characters are fighting, or characters are shooting guns and yelling.

We're not exactly sure how you would ever see this movie - it's not currently streaming anywhere but it did get an under-the-radar DVD release from Lionsgate - but if you ever do come across it, just remember this: It's Sizwe or the highway.

Acceleration (2019)

All wrapping up at a brisk 80 minutes before the credits roll, Acceleration is a solid and entertaining entry into the modern day DTV canon.

[6/10 · 22 August 2024]

Vladik (Dolph) is a Los Angeles-based criminal mastermind. He has kidnapped a young tot named Mika (Mashukov) because he wants his mother Rhona (Burn) to run down a laundry list of his criminal enemies and either kill them, get something from them, beat them up, or some other task - all this in one grueling night for Rhona. With her beloved son's life hanging in the balance, Rhona will have to summon all her grit and tenacity as she faces a colorful cast of criminal characters such as mob boss Kane (Flanery), his top goon Hannibal (Liddell), Eli (Jackson), Santos (Trejo), among many others. There's also Richie (London), and sympathetic waitress Betty (Kirkland) - but will Rhona survive the night of her nightmares? More importantly, will Mika? And might there be one final twist in this tale?

We know what you're thinking. You're surprised Vinnie Jones and Bai Ling were not in the cast along with everyone else. Well, we were too, but Acceleration is pretty colorful without them - not just the varied cast of characters but the cinematography as well. There are lots of pinks, purples, greens, and neon hues. All this keeps Acceleration from feeling flat like a lot of its DTV brethren. So we've got to give it credit for that.

The simple, streamlined plot allows for the introduction of new characters one after another, and you don't know what you're going to get. Will it be a fight scene, a shootout, or simply a bit of brief dialogue? You don't actually know, which adds an edge of unpredictability to the proceedings. Natalie Burn puts in a good, tough performance that's easy to like. Comparisons to Gina Carano are perhaps unfair but it's hard for your mind not to go there at times. She's credited as a producer, and with casting, on the film and it's a nice showcase for her talent.

Sean Patrick Flanery plays the seemingly Tommy DeVito-influenced gangster with plenty of verve. If Flanery wasn't available, Tom Sizemore easily could have stepped in. Trejo, Rampage, London, and Kirkland all have cameos. Maybe in the case of Kirkland it's a glorified cameo. But Acceleration centers on Burn, with a secondary emphasis on Dolph, with a lot of Flanery in between. As far as Liddell, at least his voice isn't high-pitched, like certain other people we could name. The kid Mashukov holds his own with Dolph and it's pretty cute to watch. Mika could be the new Bin Bin.

Acceleration gives us some classic action movie cliches, such as characters searching for both a ledger and a disc, someone says "We got company!", and in the Trejo scene, there is dialogue to the effect of "We go way back, you and me". The puzzling thing about Acceleration is, after a stylish opening, and an adherence to maintaining that style throughout, plus an obvious dedication to the action genre, the filmmakers also decided on cringey CGI muzzle flashes for all the gun-shootin' scenes, which looks terrible and comes off looking stupid and lazy. Perhaps it's a minor quibble, but it comes into conflict with the style that the filmmakers have shown a tendency towards.

It was co-directed by the late Daniel Zirilli - who will forever be known as the man who made Phoenix (2023) - and Michael Merino, who also wrote the film. Why this is a co-direct we're not exactly sure, as both men seem quite capable on their own. But Acceleration is kind of a "By the Fans, For the Fans" type of DTV action movie and is more than simply "John Chick", as certain wags out there have labeled it. It's better than a lot of its competitors and, except for those muzzle flashes, appears to be trying to rise above its station, which we very much appreciated.

All wrapping up at a brisk 80 minutes before the credits roll, Acceleration is a solid and entertaining entry into the modern day DTV canon.

Act of War (1998)

In the end, if you like your DTV movies both dumb and unintelligent, you will get a big kick out of Act of War.

[5/10 · 9 August 2024]

Uh oh. There has been (another?) military coup in Bazrakhistan. Just when you think the long-suffering Bazrakhis have found peace and security, along comes Sergei Constantine (Arthurs), a General with a terminal case of evilface, and the new Bazrakhi President, Krutov (Gargula) wants to be recognized by the U. S. He threatens that if they're not, they'll launch their nukes. The baddies take everyone at the embassy hostage until their demands are met. But said baddies didn't count on one thing: Jack Gracy (Scalia). Gracy crashes the party (literally) so he can see his girlfriend Katherina (Torrance), but he ends up with the classic Disc that would enable the nuclear strikes. Of course, the baddies want the disc. What then follows are some classic shootings, beat-ups and blow-ups. Will Jack Gracy be able to stop this ACT OF WAR?

The mystery man of Eastern European-shot DTV extravaganzas - Lloyd Simandl - teams up with the most underrated director in DTV - Robert Lee - for this slab of Die Hardiana with John McScalia front and center to save the day. Even his white tanktop and brown pants combo will remind you of a certain person from a certain movie series we all have become familiar with over the years. Jack Gracy is not likable but somehow that all adds to the humor of the film. The fact that he's somewhat of a jerk is just funny. Because...of course he is. At one point he does fly sideways in the air while shooting his gun (s), so that kind of makes up for his rather humorous unlikability.

Because it was 1998, world-destroying nuclear missiles cannot be launched without a CD-ROM disc. Naturally, this is the MacGuffin that everyone is looking for, from the baddies to the nerdy Willmont (Nykl). Leave it up to Simandl's James Bond - Jack Gracy - to get the disc and the launch codes. It's all about those dang launch codes. This cliche is backed with another one, the Wacky Taxi Driver. Seemingly you couldn't enter any foreign country in the 80's or 90's without one. Here we get a classic. He's a wacky Bazrakhi that even gets Scalia/Gracy to show his sillier side. Maybe that was unavoidable.

The new head of Bazrakhistan is named Krutov, and he's played by Lucio Fulci lookalike Gargula. Every time his name is said, it sounds like they're saying "Crouton". This just takes an already very silly and stupid movie and adds another log on the silly/stupid fire. There are meatheaded "Ox" and "Moose"-type dum-dums, an out-of-nowhere exploding helicopter, and plenty of other instances of good-natured dumbness that you just can't hate. But some of the best dialogue scenes come in the War Room, presumably somewhere in the U. S. government recesses. It's there that the actors involved really come out to shine. We imagine it's an accurate reflection of what really goes on behind the scenes.

In the end, if you like your DTV movies both dumb and unintelligent, you will get a big kick out of Act of War. You can certainly get some laffs and yuks out of it, if that's what you're after. It will make you yearn for the slickness and stylishness of Don Mogavero. So, you'll probably have a good time with it, even if that may not have been the original intention.

Crisis (1997)

The whole thing is 80 minutes pre-end credits. It COULDN'T have been longer. There's only so much of this stuff anyone can take.

[5/10 · 25 July 2024]

An idealistic young man named Tony (Milne) is part of a group named Greenworld (occasionally called Greenworld 2000). They're kind of like hippies, but because it was the 90's, they wear plaid flannel shirts. They decide to target Dr. Tom Ross (Mitchell Jr.) They want him to use something called Toxin Retardants. Or maybe they desperately want him to NOT use Toxin Retardants. It's never made completely clear. So the merry band of do-gooders invade Ross's house to get what they want. This doesn't put them in the most sympathetic light.

Things go from bad to worse when a terrorist named Simon (Nickel), his Evan Lurie-esque henchman Snake (Pavlo), and some other baddies take control of things in the Ross household, holding Ross, his wife, daughter, and maid hostage. They want missiles (prounounced in the Evil dialect: MisSYLes). Thankfully for the Ross clan, and Tony, Tony's brother Alex (Bradley) came along on this mission. He goes under the cover of being a shoe salesman, but he's actually a bagman for the mafia. At one point he describes himself as a "cleaner". Despite his job title, Alex must snap into action, stop the terrorists, save the Greenworlders, and the Ross family. Can he do it? Or will there be some sort of CRISIS?

When the first credit onscreen for any movie you decide to watch is: "Jalal Merhi Presents", you can do one of two things. You can either run screaming from the room, flapping your arms wildly, vowing to never enter that room in your house again because the "bad thing" in the room gave you PTSD from the last time you saw it. Or, you could roll with the punches and see what silliness and stupidity is on offer and take a slightly more relaxed approach. Thankfully, we opted for the latter in the case of Crisis. And yes, it's VERY dumb, but it's so darned stupid that you can't really hate it. It's like a not-very-intelligent puppy that follows you home.

It's yet another home invasion movie. They must keep churning these things out because they're inexpensive to produce. Even up to today, as in The Gardener (2021), baddies are still invadin' homes like there's no tomorrow. What keeps Crisis afloat are the constant hilarious line readings - just the way people talk in this film is really funny. There are tons of face-palmingly stupid situations and you just have to laugh. Probably to keep from crying.

We get some nice 1997 phones, TVs, and computers. The score by action-film mainstay Varouje has some pleasantly jazzy moments. At the outset of all this, there are some exterior, possibly stock shots of New York City, including the Twin Towers, so we're led to believe the story takes place there. Then we're treated to cars with Saskatchewan license plates, emergency workers with jackets that read "Saskatoon EMTs", outside the house is a vast, snowy expanse that decidedly does not look like NYC, and there's even a box in the house that simply reads "Saskatoon". If the filmmakers were trying to hide the fact that they were in Saskatoon, they didn't do the best job.

Perhaps distracting from all this is the presence of one Thorsten Nickel as Simon, the lead terrorist baddie. Maybe after the original Die Hard (1988) was such a success, it was written somewhere that every action movie must contain an evildoer with a thick accent, preferably German. Thorsten Nickel could be the new Werner Hoetzinger. And we don't use that phrase lightly. Maybe Christoph Kluppel wasn't available. In any case, he makes his own presence known. There's no counterfeiting THIS Nickel.

And all of this is before we get to David Bradley. He spends a lot of the film tied up to a weight set in the basement. He also doesn't do a ton of Martial Arts. He's disrespected further when, in the end credits under fight choreography, his name is spelled incorrectly ("Bradly"). Bradley does what he can in the face of all this, but he's faced with a tide of low-budget silliness that's easy to get washed away in.

The whole thing is 80 minutes pre-end credits. It COULDN'T have been longer. There's only so much of this stuff anyone can take. We're only human. (Well, maybe Thorsten Nickel isn't, but that's another story for another day). Adding insult to injury, the Platinum Disc DVD promises a quiz as a special feature. We were looking forward to testing our knowledge about weak-looking muzzle flashes, maids that look like Rosanna Arquette, or typing your computer password into Microsoft Word. Alas, there is no quiz. They out-and-out lied. Don't promise a Crisis quiz if you can't deliver.

Okay, now I'm so mad I can't continue. I can't do this anymore (walks out of room and slams door).

Courage (1984)

"Hope ya like RUNNING!"

[5/10 · 17 July 2024]

Man, Pete Canfield (Cox) really likes to run. Running being the driving force in his life, he and his buddy Roger Bower (Hindle), and a young runner-in-training (i.e. A RIT), Craig Jensen (Maier), decide to do what any normal trio of dudes with a lot of time on their hands would do: go on a 72-mile whisk through the New Mexico desert. Armed with only their fanny packs and their disturbingly short shorts, the men start their traipse promisingly enough. But there's something lurking in the scrub brush that's really gonna slow down their time: a militia group called the Citizen's Brigade has flown in from Colorado for some reason and really doesn't take much of a shine to our running-obsessed pals. Led by the sinister Col. Crouse (Walsh), the situation quickly devolves into the runners versus the gunners as the battle ensues. Will Canfield, Bower, and Jensen dig deep to find their RAW COURAGE?

Written by Ronny Cox and his then-wife Mary, seemingly their intention with Raw Courage was to combine the "Friends have to combat a threat in a rural environment" film like Deliverance (1972), Rituals (1977), or Southern Comfort (1981) with the "Nerd finds his strength to fight" film best exemplified by Straw Dogs (1971), with the "running" film such as On the Edge (1985) or Personal Best (1982). Fitness trends, including running, were on the upswing in the 80's. Apparently the Cox family felt now was the time to put all this stuff in a blender and serve it up to the viewing public.

Or, to put it another way, the Coxes could have just exclaimed, "Hope ya like RUNNING!" because boy do you get a lot of it in this film. So-called "Weekend Warriors", or war games, were also something that was a bit more relevant and on people's minds back in '84. Soldier of Fortune magazine was a hot seller on newsstands, so, as other films have used as well, these groups made a quick-and dirty baddie troupe that filmmakers evidently felt didn't require much character development. They're just bad, that's all. They note that they're preparing for "The Crunch", which is not explored but it's hinted at that it's a cashless society/New World Order future. So maybe the Citizen's Brigade are just ahead of their time, who knows?

Raw Courage does boast some impressive and novel cinematography by Frank P. Flynn, who especially excels with hand-held work. There's a nicely synthy score by Johnny Harris and some standout editing by Steve Polivka. But here's the problem: once the main conflict is established between the runners and the militia, the film doesn't change, grow, or arc. It hits that wall, and then it's just "run, chase, run, chase, a militia guy dies, run, chase..." and so forth. There's no development beyond that, or surprises, or twists - and that's the vast majority of the film. It's more or less an 82-minute chase scene.

Your tolerance for that may vary. Further upsides include the heroes using their running skills to defeat the baddies, and the runners facing real-life running hazards such as dehydration and cramps. Presumably this is the favorite film of the staff of Runner's World magazine. The big party planned for when the runners eventually were to cross the finish line was sponsored by Capri-Sun and features a Capri-Sun blimp. We could have used more of that blimp. We really could have.

Raw Courage, AKA simply Courage, is the only directorial effort for Robert L. Rosen to date, although he has done other jobs in the film industry for a long time now. The New World VHS could be found in many video stores, and the tagline "Find It Or Die" (referring to your raw courage, presumably) is a memorable one. That's really the point in the end: Raw Courage is a tape that you'd see in your local video store. Maybe you'd rent it, maybe you wouldn't - they sure did their best to make runners running away while on the run an appealing prospect, assuming the film doesn't give you motion sickness - but it was THERE. It was almost a comforting part of our video store landscape. So, almost beyond the qualities and merits of the film itself, it was part of that beloved video store world. Is that enough? Probably for a one-time watch it is.

The Silencer (II) (1999)

A pleasant surprise

[7/10 · 11 July 2024]

Jason Wells (Elliott) is a young FBI agent in Chicago. His father was also a G-Man, and Wells feels he has something to prove. Sensing this, his boss Neal Donovan (Kelly), sends him on a dangerous mission: fake his own death, then re-emerge as Jason Black, a ponytailed "greaseball" (he's called that numerous times) assigned to get close to Quinn Simmons (Dudikoff), an expert in assassinations. The worldly Simmons takes the neophyte Black under his wing. This is all in the lead-up to the planned assassination of presidential candidate Senator Cayton (Smith). What at first appears to be a simple job soon goes off the rails and Jason Wells is caught in a quagmire of lies, deceits, divided loyalties, and other twists and turns. Oh, and by the way, Quinn Simmons's nickname is THE SILENCER. Who will get silenced...forever?

Not to bury the lede (surprisingly, that is how you spell "lede" in this context) but The Silencer was directed by Robert Lee, who also directed...wait for it...Crackerjack 2 (1997)! But, knowing that information, you might think The Silencer would be a lot of silly fun. It turns out that Mr. Lee must have a lot of range as a director, because The Silencer is much more serious-minded than the classic Hostage Train that featured Judge Rein-hold. If you're wondering why I put in that dash, just check out the box art.

While not a slam-bang 100% actionfest - because it wasn't trying to be - The Silencer is more in the "paranoid thriller" mold initated in the 70's by the likes of The Conversation and The Parallax View (both 1974) but continued on into the DTV era by outings such as Sabotage (1996) or Hidden Assassin (1995). The plot strand of an older assassin showing a younger one the ropes is very reminiscent of The Mechanic (1972). The word "Mechanic" is even used.

Thankfully, The Silencer is better-written than the usual DTV fare at this point in time. You care about the characters and what's going on. The way history was woven into the plot was unique and added depth to the proceedings. We get some classic "FBI exposition" as Donovan and Wells look at slides in the beginning of the film, laying the groundwork of everything to come - but it isn't as cut and dried as you might think.

What also helps things a lot are the actors - fan-favorite Dudikoff as the unsmiling villain (or is he?) here was given an atypical role and it worked great. He had previously worked with director Lee on Cyberjack AKA Virtual Assassin (1995). I guess he'll always be some sort of an Assassin to Mr. Lee. Dudikoff even does a slow, gravelly voice to underscore how serious he is, which inevitably reminded us of what Steve Guttenberg did with his voice in Airborne (1998). It's a lot less silly here, of course, but the similarities are there nonetheless.

Terence Kelly as Donovan was also wonderful, and Brennan Elliott put in a lot of great energy as the lead. Gabrielle Miller as Quinn's love interest (?) is presumably here because at the last minute maybe the filmmakers realized that there were no women in the movie, and it was decided that one was needed. If that was indeed the case, that's not her fault of course.

There's a killer car stunt towards the end of the film, and periodically there will be a blow-up or maybe some shooting or fighting just to keep this in the action realm just enough. But it fits in with the DTV action genre perfectly well in any case, and thanks to the aforementioned scripting, plotting, and acting, manages to stand out amongst its competitors.

And here's a pro tip to anyone out there who's thinking of running for office: don't publicly threaten to end government secrets and corruption. Wait until AFTER you're elected to do that. Announcing to the world that you're going to end an evil cabal is very upsetting to said evil cabal. In the interest of your own life, just keep your evil-cabal hatred to yourself. Final thought before the wrap-up: While ostensibly set in Chicago, this was obviously shot in Canada. Just sayin' is all.

Not only was The Silencer a pleasant surprise - it could have been so much more generic, but thankfully it isn't - it likely is one of the best DTV movies from 1999, if not the entirety of the late-90's/early 2000's period. Recommended.

Urban Warriors (1987)

You gotta give it to the Italians, at least they always tried.

[5/10 · 3 July 2024]

Brad (Landgren), Maury (Hammer), and Stan (Poli) are scientists and co-workers. One day they're at work, just minding their own business doing science stuff, and there is a nuclear apocalypse. Everything blows up and the world becomes your classic wasteland. Our trio manages to survive the blast, and they even scrounge their way to find some canned food. But now they've got a bigger problem on their hands: roving bands of murderous mutants led by a meathead known only as Mutant Leader (Vitale). Faced with this threat, the formerly white-coated nerd Brad becomes a ripped action hero for the 80's. Of course, two women also survived the devastation: Julia Reiner (Longo) and Angela (Altieri) - but which one can he trust? After being put on "trial" by the baddies, they drive around in a rock quarry for a while, which is how they settle their differences in the future. Or maybe the past. Who will survive the onslaught of the URBAN WARRIORS?

We all love a good Italian Post-Apocalypse film (or Post-Ap's, as we call them) - but it appears that by 1987, we had already seen the best the genre had to offer: The New Gladiators (1984), Escape From the Bronx (1983), 1990: The Bronx Warriors (1982), Warriors of the Wasteland (1983), 2019: After the Fall of New York (1983) among certain others. Note those early-80's release dates. If Urban Warriors is any indication, the genre was running out of steam. The Italian film industry in general was on the decline, and budgets were just not what they used to be. By this time, the focus was on the Exploding Hutters shot in the Philippines such as Born to Fight (1989), Strike Commando (1987), and Robowar (1988), to name just a few examples. It probably also didn't help that director Giuseppe Vari was around 71 years old at the time, and this was his last film. He literally was days away from retirement, and he hadn't directed a film for a decade at this point in his career. He was probably tired. It's almost like a poor hobo on the street: would anyone spare a dime for Urban Warriors?

Apparently, Cannon did, as they picked up the film and released it in America on VHS. Which leads us to this fact: the most interesting thing about Urban Warriors has nothing to do with the film. The VHS tape was part of Michael Dudikoff's Action Adventure Theater, a series that featured the Dude himself introducing each film. He even makes reference to a Cannon project that was never made. Which, knowing the history of Cannon and how many irons they always had in the fire, is not at all surprising.

There is some familiar-looking stock footage of nuke tests and lava flows to show that our beloved apocalypse has finally happened. Our three scientist heroes fumble around underground for a while after that. Then, for a while, we go into an Assault on Precinct 13 (1976) scenario. Even Paolo Rustichelli's score is very Carpenter-esque most of the time, except for during the final demolition derby, where the theme is a lot like White Lines by Grandmaster Flash & Melle Mel.

If this film seems a lot like The Final Executioner (1984) or The Bronx Executioner (1989), it's because it basically is. Everyone's recycling footage from everyone else, so it's really impossible (not to mention pointless) to try and figure out who came first. But the bottom line is, if you like roving gangs of punks in desolate, dusty wastelands, car/motorcycle chases, and plenty of abandoned buildings and warehouses, you'll find comfort in the fact that this is another place to find those things.

You gotta give it to the Italians, at least they always tried. Despite the low budget, at least there's a sort of scrappiness to the proceedings, and in the face of financial lack, they must've said something like, "We'll do it anyway!" Unfortunately, the film needed more drive. Which is ironic, considering how much driving goes on. Ideas that haven't been done before, and energy, must have been hard to come by at this point. So a certain slow, bland listlessness sets in.

Giuseppe Vari, like a lot of so-called "journeyman" directors, worked in "Vari"ous genres during his long and noteworthy career. Westerns, erotic films, comedies, Poliziotteschi, dramas, peplums and more. Whatever was needed at the time in the Italian film industry, it appears that he rose to the challenge. Yes, it could be argued that this, his final film, is him going out on an off note. It could also be argued that it's completely in keeping with the rest of his lengthy filmography: fulfilling a genre need when it was needed.

Is Urban Warriors the best Post-Ap ever made? No, not by a country mile. But as a potential video store choice in the 80's or 90's, made even more attractive by the Michael Dudikoff's Action Adventure Theater branding, it was undoubtedly part of the rich tapestry of the VHS rental world. The Cannon-Dudikoff connection is why this film is even remembered at all in the U. S., most likely. So, we choose - despite 'Urban's glaring quality issues - to dwell on the positives.

Kill or Be Killed (1993)

Lacks the hooks needed to pull in an audience

[4/10 · 27 June 2024]

Michael and Charlie Julian (Nuzzolo and Heavener, respectively) are drug-dealing brothers who want to move up in the cocaine trade. When their latest deal is foiled by a police raid, Michael takes the rap and goes to jail for eight years. When he gets out, Charlie now has slicked-back hair, wears a suit, and is still a gangster baddie but is more "corporate" about it. A woman named Beth (Levand) is torn between the two men. During their latest drug deal, with a Korean gang called The Kim Brothers, a briefcase of money and coke goes missing. Charlie is understandably upset, which then paves the way for the final showdown. Who will KILL and who will BE KILLED?

As we all know, AIP stands for "Action International Pictures" - and while there is some gun shootin' in Kill or Be Killed (which is not to be confused with the 1976 film of the same name), it's really more of what you'd call a gangster drama. Our guess is that David Heavener probably liked working on this film because he gets to stretch his acting chops. But does the viewer really care?

It's no Prime Target (1991) or Fugitive X: Innocent Target (1996), or any other Heavener outing that has the word "Target" in the title. The more serious tone doesn't even allow for any of Heavener's patented country-fried musical numbers. It's hard to know what films KOBK was influenced by or what this was actually trying to BE. Most video store patrons who take home a VHS tape called Kill or Be Killed, which features a picture of Heavener with a gun, flanked by scantily-clad women encased in bullets (none of which are in the film, of course) are not going to be completely pleased with a slow-moving drama that sure as heck isn't going to give David Mamet any sleepless nights.

Except for the scenes when Heavener is clad only in a Speedo, everyone in this film only wears suits and ties, making it the original Suits. Or perhaps the AIP Glengarry Glen Ross. There are many, many scenes in offices and boardrooms. Or maybe it's only just one. It's tough to tell.

The film OPENS with a love montage, which is quite unusual. We'll give KOBK some points for originality there. Beth has fantastic hair, which can't be described but can only be seen. Michael looks like Mark Dacascos, the main police officer on the case looks like Jeff Goldblum, and other characters look like other people. An actor named Royce Dudley plays Jesse, and he is really the standout here. He really gives it his all. He should have done more, both in this film and elsewhere.

KOBK was directed by one Joe Straw, which sounds like a fake name. We wondered if he was a sort of cipher, or an American Eagle-esque "straw man". But no, he appears to be a real person. His main job in Hollywood was Production Accountant on many films. This and a film called The Intruder from the same year (1993) are his only directorial credits to date. Maybe because he was an accountant, that explains why there are so many boardroom scenes with suited men.

It does have that "AIP Vibe" so if you enjoy that, it is plentiful here. KOBK will most likely be too low budget and slow for most audiences. We've seen far, far worse, but simply an acting showcase for all involved lacks the hooks needed to pull in an audience, not to mention keep them there over time. That's why Kill or Be Killed will likely remain on the forgotten video store shelf of history. There are worse fates for your movie, for sure, but this status appears to be permanent.

The Gardener (2021)

Despite its evident (painfully, at times) low budget, The Gardener does end up delivering what you want.

[6/10 · 23 June 2024]

Peter Juhasz (Bronzi) is a kindly gardener working for a rather well-off family in the UK. While tending to the grounds and his greenhouse, he isn't afraid to take some time out and impart life lessons to the two teenage (?) kids, Justin (Watkins) and Hannah (Cohen). The peace of their countryside estate is shattered when a gang of criminal baddies led by the sinister Volker (Daniels) invades the home. They're looking for a hard drive of information. In the process of these evil goings-on, Juhasz gets wise to their scheme, and he reverts back to his former military training. He then proceeds to rescue the family by taking on the baddies one by one. But, naturally, he will have to face off mano-a-mano with Volker. Will Juhasz take out the trash...er...leaf bags?

Hey, I guess if Jason Statham can be The Beekeeper, or The Transporter, and Aaron Eckhart can be The Bricklayer, then why can't Robert Bronzi be The Gardener? The danger with all this is that if current trends continue, then action movies will become no better than Adam Sandler or Rob Schneider films - i.e., the movie title is almost always their job (or their character's name). Perhaps calling this film "Peter Juhasz" didn't have the snappy ring to it that the filmmakers probably wanted. Although if they did do that, the movie would probably do gangbusters in Hungary. Juhasz is a vegetarian and at one point he asks for a nice vegetarian goulash. This might be the first film we've ever seen where the word "goulash" is said, much less requested by the main character.

The good news in all this is that Robert Bronzi still bears an uncanny and, frankly, alarming resemblance to Charles Bronson. That's a relief. Thankfully, he has not changed. The last time we saw him was Death Kiss (2018), and, wouldn't ya just know it, he looked a lot like Bronson then too. As Benjamin Franklin once said, there are three sure things in life: death, taxes, and Robert Bronzi's face. Exact quote.

While the first half or so of the film is largely actionless, we applaud the makers of The Gardener for actually attempting to give us character development. You have to set up the scene before you can knock it down. In that sense, the relatively slow pace is a throwback to the 70's drive-in films of yore. Once Bronzi/Juhasz snaps into his war footing, things do pick up rather well. We liked how he used his gardening tools to fight the baddies (i.e. A lawnmower, shears, some sort of raking hoe, etc.) Live by the garden, die by the garden.

It's like a lower-budget version of the end of The Equalizer (2014) - and if the aforementioned Beekeeper (2024), and The Equalizer can go to the theater, maybe Bronzi will too one day? Well, we can dream. However, this time around we get a more serious Bronzi. The tone is not as silly as you might think.

As far as fan favorite Gary Daniels, it's very safe to say that he's still "got it". He spends a good chunk of the movie shirtless and beating up his own crew. His character of Volker (which just sounds evil) really enjoys snapping people's necks. He even goes out of his way to snap some necks when he doesn't even have to. Some people like popping bubble wrap, some like snapping necks. Comme ci, comme ca. Not only did we like seeing an older, more grizzled Daniels, it was nice to see him in a rare baddie role.

However, not everything here is coming up roses. The night scenes are very dark and hard to see. At a certain point, things become very repetitive, especially in the dialogue department. For example, one of the baddies, while not wearing a mask like his compatriots do, yells over and over that "They saw my face!!" Whose fault is that, moron? The family was tied up. They didn't do anything to your mask. This same guy continually threatens, "I'm gonna kill 'em!!" or some variation thereof. Maybe the point was to really make the audience want Bronzi to come in and rake the guy to death or some such thing. But we already want that, so all the repetition isn't necessary, by definition.

All that being said, the slasheresque one-by-one killing by different and relatively creative ways was a plus, which adds to the "throwback" feel of the film, as does the quest by the baddies for "The Drive", which apparently is the 21st Century MacGuffin - it once was the ledger, then the tape, then the disc, now it's the drive.

Despite its evident (painfully, at times) low budget, The Gardener does end up delivering what you want. While far from perfect, we should all be thankful that Robert Bronzi exists. And that movies are being made, however flawed, that feature him as the main star. We really are living in extraordinary times.

Delta Force 3: The Killing Game (1991)

Despite its lack of perfection, it's still probably worth seeing if you enjoyed the first two Delta Force entries.

[4/10 · 13 June 2024]

Wouldn't ya just know it, now there's a new terrorist on the block, an insane homicidal madman named Kahlil Kadal (Cherchi). Evidently, he has a real beef with Miami, Florida and he wants to blow it up with a nuclear device. His motivation for just exactly why he wants to do this is never truly explained, although Miami Vice did go off the air two years before Kadal went nutso, so maybe that's what hacked him off so badly. It's really anybody's guess.

The only logical way to counteract Kadal, so believes the President (of the United States) is to call in The Delta Force. Charlie (Cassavetes), Sam (Douglas), Richard (Penn) and Greg (Norris) - to avoid further confusion that's Nick, Eric, Matthew, and Mike, respectively - join forces with some Russians, Sergei (Ryan) (of COURSE his name is Sergei), and Irenia (Hasfari). Will the combined forces of the DELTA FORCE, a Russian, and a woman be enough to thwart Kadal's nefarious plans? And who will win THE KILLING GAME?....and what is THE KILLING GAME?

So, yes, there is a third installment in the Delta Force series, and no, it does not feature Chuck Norris. It does feature Mike Norris, so the Norris quota is satisfied. Apparently, Chuck was going to be involved with the project but he backed out at some point. Much like Death Ring (1992) (which also starred Mike Norris), with its infamous box cover touting the appearances of "SWAYZE - NORRIS - McQUEEN", it appears that Delta Force 3: The Killing Game is throwing in all its chips with the idea of featuring celebrity sons in the main roles.

While Nick Cassavetes and Matthew Penn kind of fade into the rest of the Israeli scenery, Eric Douglas explodes off the screen with a somehow-recognizable je ne sais quoi. Director Sam Firstenberg did two things right with DF3:TKG - One, he made Islamic terrorists the focus and not some nebulous, politically-correct threat. This predates Path to Paradise (1997) by quite a few years, and Homeland by many more. Two, he gave Eric Douglas plenty of screen time. His Jerry Trimble-esque antics liven things up. Whenever he's around Douglasin' it up, the movie improves.

The idea of the U. S. and Russia working together was a hot new idea at the time, fresh off the Berlin Wall falling. Of course, there are tensions at first (along with a silly training sequence), but, of course, this "Delta Force 2.0" (or should we say Delta Force 3.0) joins forces to combat the real threat facing both nations. Naturally, after training is complete and the battle begins, there is plenty of punching, kicking, shooting, blow-ups, and a very rapid-fire string of underground bombs (?) that are not far off from underground ninjas. Which in themselves are not far off from Bugs Bunny.

But, sad to say, there are issues here that put a damper on things. The middle section drags, and, as in a lot of Firstenberg films, there is no character development whatsoever. We never really get to know or become emotionally invested in our heroes. Sure, there are a lot of "war heroics" (what war is this again?), but what does it all mean when the characters we're spending our time with are one-dimensional? Yes, I know we're talking about Delta Force 3 here, but I still don't think that's an entirely unreasonable request. But, to counterbalance all that, we do get some funny death noises from the people that do expire, which sound a lot like satisfied grunts. It's hard to know whether they've died violently or have just eaten a large meal.

DF3:TKG doesn't really "feel" like the prior Delta Force films, it kind of feels like its own thing. Despite its lack of perfection, it's still probably worth seeing if you enjoyed the first two Delta Force entries.

Outside the Law (2002)

If you've ever wanted to see a Reba McEntire action film, Outside The Law is probably as close as you're ever going to get.

[5/10 · 6 June 2024]

Julie Cosgrove (Rothrock) is a U. S. Government Secret Agent - so secret, in fact, that no one knows her exact job title with the feds. When an op in Cartagena, Colombia, goes horribly wrong, Julie decides to quit the force (if she were a police officer, presumably she'd have handed in her badge and gun). She then decides to pursue a quiet life somewhere in central Florida. As part of her plan, she changes her hair so she looks exactly like Reba McEntire. But, as tends to be the case with Reba, er, Julie Cosgrove, trouble finds her wherever she goes.

Her old boss who sent her on her fateful Colombian misadventure, Dick Dawson (Macht), is after her, so he sends federal goons after her. Then the local law enforcement, Detective Froman (Lauria), is after her. Not to be outdone, local head honcho/kingpin-type baddie Michael Peyton (Wincott) is also after her, and he has his own, mafia-connected goons such as a baddie named Ramon and another one named Cho Sung (Lew). With seemingly everyone gunning for Julie, what will she do? She may have to go OUTSIDE THE LAW.

There's nothing terribly wrong with Outside The Law, per se, but it is a bit on the duller side of things. Even Rothrock herself says it isn't one of her best. It's no surprise director Montesi went on to do mostly TV show episodes and telefilms. OTL has that flat, "Why Try Harder?" look to it that doesn't evince a ton of creativity behind the camera. Also, it seems that the film is building up to a big fight between Jeff Wincott and Cynthia Rothrock, which never happens. That was a disappointment. James Lew is not used anywhere near his full potential, and Jeff Moldovan plays only "Bearded Thug". The gathered cast is an impressive one, but overall we as the viewer are constantly reminded that we're in the 2002 DTV doldrums.

Besides Rothrock, who is always watchable no matter what, only Dan Lauria - somewhat of a hometown hero for us - stands out as Detective Froman. He wears Hawaiian-type shirts and speaks in a Huey Long "Kingfish"-style Southern drawl. It was a treat to see him do a role like this and we really enjoyed that. Stephen Macht was bland as Dick Dawson - Eric Roberts would have been perfect for that part, and he may have livened it up a bit more. Overall, there are some shootouts and beat-em-up scenes that keep things moving, but it's not exactly thrill-a-minute stuff here.

There's a Zack Morris-style pretty-boy character for Julie Cosgrove to fall in love with, which sets him apart from the constant cadres of creeps that are constantly harassing Julie in this small town. Everywhere she goes, she has to employ her Martial Arts on them, it seems. Bad for her, lucky for us, the viewer. Talk radio was a big thing back then and there are some scenes with talk radio on in the background, which puts us in a very definable time and place. Julie Cosgrove ends up adopting a dog she simply calls "Dog" because she's too much of a badass to come up with a frou-frou name like Fluffy or Twinkles.

While the film was set mostly in "Central Florida", it was shot in Puerto Rico. The director, Montesi, is Chilean, so maybe it was easy for him to communicate in Spanish-speaking countries. Maybe it wasn't so easy for everybody else. Montesi's most notable film to date is Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal (2001), which is a highly entertaining romp, moreso than this one.

So, if you've ever wanted to see a Reba McEntire action film, Outside The Law is probably as close as you're ever going to get.

Kick of Death (1997)

We could have fixed this movie.

[4/10 · 30 May 2024]

Shane McQuade (Guerin) is an underground Punchfighter/Martial Artist who is dominating the Hong Kong fight scene. When some baddies, apparently led by a Mr. Lee, begin to, let's just say, make life more difficult for the Shanester in HK, he flees to Las Vegas to try to start anew. But his same old woes keep popping back up: he unwisely accepts a ride through the Nevada desert from a shady character named Vinnie Vasta (Obregon), but then Shane assumes his identity when he starts work as a bouncer at a strip club. Romance is in the air with one of the strippers, Angelique (Allen)...or is it? When Angelique is kidnapped, Shane is forced to fight the reigning evil baddie on the scene, Abdul Sabbah (Storm). But will things ever go Shane McQuade's way? And who will deliver the ultimate KICK OF DEATH?

Is this an apartment in a bad neighborhood? Because it sure is LOW RENT. According to Imdb, Kick of Death was shot in 13 days on a budget of $15,000. My response to those numbers: That much? It looks like less. Now, JUST because something is low budget doesn't mean the end product has to be junky. In this case, however, it pretty much is. There are the usual picture quality (some scenes in total blackness) and sound (blurry and muffled) issues, but the main problem is that you just don't care much about any of the characters or what they're doing.

You don't hate Shane McQuade or anything, but you don't love him either. He's like a neutral hero. David Heavener (who also gets a story credit) appears briefly in the beginning as Alderton, a man with blonde hair and an Australian (?) accent. Then there's the other fan favorite here, a real Aussie, Vernon G. Wells. Both guys have glorified cameos, as this, for better or worse, is the Shane McQuade story.

The main baddie is played by TJ Storm, from The Ultimate Game (2001) and many other fight-based outings. Here, he is credited as simply "Storm". He also took credit for the fight choreography. It's not his best work. Maybe he wasn't so proud of it that he needed the world to know it was by TJ. He probably hoped people would think it was by another Storm. Many, if not most, of the fight scenes are awkwardly and amateurishly done. Perhaps it wasn't his fault, but the movie as a whole isn't entertaining enough for the audience not to notice, or find it funny.

Which then brings us to the sluggish pace of all this. Why did this need to be ninety-FIVE minutes? Bad enough it wasn't an even 90, it should have been 79. But 95 minutes. Okay, if you say so, dude. Maybe director Avallone - who never did anything action-related before or since - was trying to emulate the Roger Corman school of thought that scenes of people driving or extended stripping routines make an engaging film for the audience. But at least Corman made 80-minute films. He also tried to keep his top stars in the film for more than just a few brief minutes.

Maybe we're being a bit too harsh on Kick of Death. But even with its meager resources, certain aspects could have been improved. We have seen worse, after all. But bargain-basement productions like this will not appeal to most people. Only die-hards who can't resist a title like "Kick of Death" will actually watch Kick of Death.

Not to be confused with Kick or Die (1987), Kick of Death features the introspective end-credits song, "Your World Will Change" by Darryl Jensen. This should have played at the beginning of the film as Shane McQuade is walking down a dusty old highway, thinking about his life. Then the music changes to heavier, guitar-based metal/rock as Shane fights off wave after wave of baddies (and the punches and kicks actually appear to connect). See, we could have fixed this movie.

Rage of Vengeance (1993)

You could do worse than Rage of Vengeance.

[4/10 · 23 May 2024]

Frank Hill (Shane) is a former L. A. Cop On The Edge that now works in a convenience store. Hill resigned from the Force after a particularly intense confrontation with the dreaded local gang leader Tony Woo (Chen). During the dust-up, Frank inadvertently shot Woo's wife. This makes Woo understandably upset, so in retaliation he kills Frank's brother, and amidst all the chaos, his wife Sandy (Colonello) leaves him. So now all Frank does is shirtlessly practice his Martial Arts moves in his studio apartment by candlelight, and then use said moves on potential shoplifters and armed robbers at the convenience store.

Things start looking up for him when Sandy comes back into his life. She still doesn't totally approve of his Karate-choppin' ways, but it's hard to resist the charms of Frank Hill. He also develops a fatherly relationship with young tot Christina (Miyahira), daughter of the owners of the store. But when that dastardly Tony Woo kidnaps Sandy, and other things go sour as well, Frank Hill has no choice but to fight Woo's baddies in and around an abandoned warehouse until the ultimate confrontation is at hand: Frank Hill vs. Tony Woo. Will Frank Hill unleash his RAGE OF VENGEANCE?

It was 1993. Convenience stores were huge at that time. Where else could you go to get your Doritos, Cheetos, or Fritos that was within walking distance of your house? Maybe wash it down with some Snapple. Peach iced tea or strawberry-kiwi cocktail. It was your choice. And, if you were lucky, a man that looks like a cross between David Bradley, Jeff Speakman, and Michael Pare would be there to kick miscreants in the head if they were stepping out of line.

Speaking of Speakman, who we often speak about, Rage of Vengeance is sort of like a low-rent Street Knight (1993). Or perhaps if it had more of a budget behind it, this could have worked with Lorenzo Lamas in the Frank Hill part, with James Liu as the main baddie and Chuck Jeffreys as Hill's former partner. We didn't mention Rodney (Lawrence Hill) and his new partner, the pixieish Estelle (Raines) before now, but that's because it's mainly about Peter Shane as Frank.

Again, it may not have the budget behind it to put it alongside the likes of Showdown in Little Tokyo (1991), China White (1989), or Red Sun Rising (1994), and the awkward and slow-ish pacing doesn't do the film any favors. But the whole thing is classic 90's and does have some positives in its corner, but it's not zany like a Samurai Cop (1991), so you can't really recommend it to anyone who isn't already a fan of this sort of material.

Speaking of the positives, there is an extremely stupid (in a good way) train-tracks fight, and a lengthy final warehouse fight that is very much in keeping with the DTV action genre. As is the presence of a cute young kid, in this case Christina, who is played winningly by Miyahira. Shane is well-cast as Frank Hill, a man who makes funny grunting noises as he fights and asks questions later.

Director Serge Rodnunsky - not to be confused with Jorgo Ognenovski - has many DTV outings under his belt, including Jack of Hearts and Paper Bullets (both 1999), among plenty of others. It seems he's trying to compete with the action-film wave of the time, and almostsortakindajustabout makes it. It's a shame this was Peter Shane's only cinematic appearance. He could have had a future punching it out with the other guys of the day. For much of the cast, this was their only (or second-to-only) film.

In the end, if you like 90's action (we're guessing that you do), and you've seen all the other ones you could find, you could do worse than Rage of Vengeance. But newcomers to the genre may want to watch those classic offerings first.

Shutterspeed (2000 TV Movie)

In the end, Shutterspeed is not exactly pulse-pounding. It's really a classic case of missed potential.

[3/10 · 16 May 2024]

Riley Davis (Borden/Sting) is a Seattle cop with sunglasses, a Harley, and an attitude. While Riley is with Narcotics, his brother Cliff (Lovgren) is with Homicide. There is bad blood between them because of something that happened in their past that we won't spoil here. The brothers must form an uneasy alliance when a mysterious camera with one photo saved on it appears, and the baddies want it. Bad. There are some murders and attempted murders, all because of this elusive camera. Things get real when Riley's fiancee Kenzie (Fuentes) is kidnapped by the camera-seeking baddies. Riley finally snaps out of his somnambulism and is forced to confront the truth - about his brother, his past, his girlfriend, and, of course, the camera. What is the true frame rate of the SHUTTERSPEED?

Okay, here's the truth about Shutterspeed. It's not funny, wacky, crazy, or off-kilter enough to have gained any sort of cult following. It takes itself oddly seriously almost the whole time, to the point where it's even boring and dour in many spots. HUGE mistake. This is a telefilm, shot in Canada for the TNT network, and your main star that's carrying the project is Sting from WCW. Now is not the time to go all serious on us.

The filmmakers should have seized this unique opportunity and let their hair down and went nutso. Something along the lines of One Man Force (1989) meets Stone Cold (1991). But they did not do that. In fact, they did the complete opposite. They went the bland, safe route big time. What a missed opportunity.

Maybe Sting, credited under his "real name", Steve Borden, was attempting to distance himself from wrestling and show he could do something different, perhaps something that could spin off into a TV series. This might explain the determined, almost willful refusal to have some silly fun. Sure, it's inevitable that some silly fun will leak out, but these moments happen towards the end of the film, and they're few and far between. They should have put them in the beginning in order to grab the audience's attention, not save them for the end, by which time we don't really care.

A couple of light shooting/fight/chase scenes are here, almost like they don't want to be and are dragged along. There is a WYC that doesn't much care for Riley Davis's ways. So that's all well and good, and Daisy Fuentes is certainly an attractive and welcome presence. But we couldn't help but expect more from Borden's Kevin Sorbo-esque meatheaded presence. Producer Eric Bischoff should have demanded more scenes of Borden yelling and getting angry, which happens only once. Director Mark Sobel has done a lot of TV, plus the features Access Code (1984) and Sweet Revenge (1987), so he seemingly was right for this project - on paper. But what was needed was a go-for-broke, wildman approach, which was sorely missing.

In the end, Shutterspeed is not exactly pulse-pounding. It's really a classic case of missed potential. But it's not too late: both Sting the wrestler, and Sting the musician are both still alive as of this writing. They should team up and appear as Cops on the Edge in a movie called Double Sting. Isn't that something we would all watch?

Ex-Cop (1993)

It's a gem!

[6/10 · 9 May 2024]

Pete Danburg (Savage) is a cop. He's not yet an EX-COP, we'll get to that a bit later. Danburg is described as "The Best" vice cop in the history of the Las Vegas Police Department. He's turned down offers to go to other departments because the vice squad is all he knows, according to him. He has a loyal friend and partner, Willy Latham (Terry), and they're after a razor-slasher named Ronny Witherspoon (Hackett) who is terrorizing the area. They eventually catch up with Witherspoon at the Lake Mead marina and shoot him, saving the life of Chance Tatum (Chamberlain), a news reporter undercover as a prostitute. However, in the course of this encounter, Witherspoon's straight razor, an integral piece of evidence, goes into the water.

Four years later, Danburg is now in his dream position - an EX-COP. Due to lack of evidence (apparently his whole case dependend on that darn razor), Witherspoon is paroled. He did not die in the shootout, he only has a limp - and a burning desire to get revenge on Danburg, Latham, and Danburg's daughter Tess (Davidson), a gymnast. Now that the evil slasher is back out on the loose, Pete Danburg sends Tess out to live on the ranch of his brother Stony (Cornell). This plan doesn't exactly work and Witherspoon kidnaps Tess. Now the stage is set for the ultimate showdown. The EX-COP vs. The baddie Witherspoon. What the heck is going to happen now?

Ex-Cop is a ton of AIP fun and is well worth seeking out. It has a rough-hewn charm that is all but absent from movies made these days. We applaud director Kerby and his filmmaking cohorts, who had the drive, wherewithal and guts to try to make a Dirty Harry/Charles Bronson film with essentially zero budget. In 1993. Thankfully, they went ahead and did it and it's a huge success.

A lot of this has to do with Rick Savage as Danburg. Everything he says is pure gold. He indeed could have been one of the "elder statesmen" of action. However, just to be clear, this is not the same man that did adult films, nor is it the bass player for Def Leppard. This Rick Savage is his own man. A REAL man. An elderly man. While it's never really explained why a man of his advanced age is still on the force, even before he becomes the inexplicably vaunted ideal of the Ex-Cop, this (and of course the romance he finds time for with Chamberlain) all predates the age confusion found in Righteous Kill (2008) many years later.

Naturally, the high brass of the LVPD want Danburg out because they claim he's a "Cowboy". There's a WYC that tells him this and they want him to turn in his badge and gun. Danburg also has a drinking problem and is disgruntled. Every other "Cop" cliche you could possibly imagine is here as well. Thank goodness. You have to get into the spirit when you watch Ex-Cop. Once you're in that spirit, wondrous things await you.

About an hour into the film, we get a Pete Danburg break, where he's not really around. This is the only real flaw here. The movie suffers when Rick Savage is not on screen. Also, Danburg's wife Cat (Macs) has a thick accent, presumably of some European origin, and it's hard enough to understand what some of the actors were saying, so this didn't help much and was never explained (not that Danburg's actions need explanation. He marries thickly-accented foreigners and asks questions later). Then the slasher menaces a prostitute named Lacie (Paris) for a while. Then Willy spends some time with his son, an infant named Willy Jr. Where's Danburg during all this? That's what the audience needs to know. That's certainly what we were asking.

Ex-Cop is very much in the same vein of the other AIP material being released by them at this time, such as Cop Out (1991), Extreme Vengeance (1990), and Burning Vengeance (1989). If these comparisons don't mean much to you, just translate it into this one word: FUN.

Sandy Hackett is Buddy's son. He's the only one who has any acting resume to speak of that we could find. All the others are first-timers and/or only-timers. So we are treated to the very awkward interactions and line deliveries of non-actors. But everyone here was trying. That's what makes all this so great.

This should be a cult movie. Much like another AIP favorite, Brutal Fury (1993), this isn't a horror movie, so it never developed a cult following. But both of these films should have. Vinegar Syndrome, where are you on these? VS released "Geteven" (1993), which, like "Excop", features the main title as one word, in quotes, on the screen. So it would be perfect for one of their releases.

A shredtastic guitar player named Troy Walls is credited with "Musical Scoring" for the film, and his band "Crisis" (their quotes, not ours) get three songs on the soundrack. Their songs are catchy female-fronted metal and they should have opened for Doro. But what they do get is a live performance that takes place at the bar where Witherspoon finds Lacie. Much like Tess's gymnastics routines, we get to spend some time with them. Sure, those scenes are Pete Danburg-less, but they're still cool. They're a product of their time and place. Unlike Tess, and to the ultimate detriment of mankind, we don't wear skintight Body Glove shorts anymore. C'est La Vie, Pete Danburg. We hardly knew ye.

Just why the idea of Danburg being an Ex-Cop is dwelled upon so much in this film is never explained, but YOU should be dwelling on finding yourself a copy. It's a gem and it's downright delightful.

No Rules (2005)

There is a shade of stupidity/dumbness that is, well, stupid, yes, but it's so earnest and enjoyable, you cannot use the word insultingly. No Rules has found that shade.

[6/10 · 2 May 2024]

Kurt Diamond (Dunn) is an MMA fighter from Jackson, Michigan. He and his sister Katie (Minasyan), and his trainer Grady (Bachar), are all dreaming of a better life. An opportunity comes when Kurt goes on a rampage after finding out Katie's boyfriend is an abusive drug dealer. After that violent confrontation, the trio flee to California. Seeking to get involved in the fight world on the west coast, Kurt turns up at House of Champions dojo. He notices immediately that they're using a logo that his famous fighting father Kain (Sizemore) always used. After a not-so-auspicious meeting with his father's former trainer Hino (Tan), he sees a flyer for an upcoming "Fight Party", and Kurt is on his way. But along the path to glory, he will have to face physical challenges - i.e., battling Mason (Couture) and his cult (yes, a cult; more on which later), but also the mental challenges of emotionally recovering from witnessing his parents' murder. He also wants to solve the murder, of course. Will Leroy Little (Busey) help him with this? All we know is that in the world of punching and kicking, there are, of course, NO RULES!

There's a lot to love about No Rules, and we might love it even more if we could actually see what was going on. All of the indoor scenes and/or night scenes are SO dark, we have to wonder if it was transferred to DVD incorrectly. Any scene in bright daylight is fine, if still a bit junky-looking, but that's not necessarily a problem. So now that we've registered our (all-too-common) complaint about the poor lighting, we can concentrate on what's good about No Rules.

ADVANCE WARNING: Going forward, should we use the words "stupid", "dumb", or some variation thereof, it is NOT to be taken as an insult. This may seem counterintuitive, but there is a shade of stupidity/dumbness that is, well, stupid, yes, but it's so earnest and enjoyable, you cannot use the word insultingly. No Rules has found that shade.

Kurt Diamond's fighting name is Diamond Boy. When ring announcers proclaim, "Kurt 'Diamond Boy' Diamond" is on the way, it does smack of a certain lack of creativity. Diamond Boy also has trouble saying the words "Santa Monica", so he may have been hit in the head one too many times.

A certain 2005 nostalgia may also be required to enjoy No Rules, as characters wearing Von Dutch shirts and hats are soundtracked to Limp Bizkit and Rage Against the Machine soundalikes. All that is stopped during any scene featuring, or about to feature, Philip Tan, so that stereotypically-Asian-sounding music can be heard.

Sometimes the stupidity is so all-encompassing it becomes dizzying, such as when a peacock walks by in the background of a scene for no reason, a slapfight breaks out a punk rock show featuring the band The Defects, or the endless parade of cameos that are fun to see, but also make you wonder why they're there or how the filmmakers got them to be involved in a bargain basement production like this. The presence of a few seconds of Pamela Anderson makes sense, because co-director/writer Gerry Anderson (presumably not the guy who did Thunderbirds) worked with her on some of her other projects, such as VIP, Stripperella, and Stacked, among others. Less explainable are Sal (not Al - Al's father) Pacino, and Kathy Pacino, Darryl "DMC" McDaniels, and Layzie Bone, not to mention a whole host of fight-world-associated people like Bruce Buffer, Gene LeBell and others. It all adds to the odd and quizzical vibe of the whole thing.

Perhaps they spent too much time gathering cameos, because the movie overall could have used more Sizemore and Busey. Busey doesn't even show up until 72 minutes in. That being said, another thing that sets No Rules apart from being a standard Puncher is that the Mason character is the leader of a cult of red-robed meatheads. They unenthusiastically chant sayings and other repetitions. We can honestly say we've never seen a meathead cult before, which was great, but not nearly enough was done with this idea. Same thing with the plot thread that Kain Diamond wrote detailed "fight books" that Kurt inherited - that look exactly like The Evil Dead's Necronomicon. Interesting ideas - not a lot of follow-through. But there are some lovably dumb fight scenes and questionable acting that power you along and take the place of those things. It's all a pretty heady brew.

So, because when any scene fades to black it really doesn't have very far to go, we're hoping that a digitally-brightened, remastered print of No Rules finds its way to Blu-ray soon. Should that ever happen, we believe it will find an audience and people will appreciate what's going on here. Unless and until that happens, we're afraid No Rules may just languish in the darkness of obscurity.

Cop Target (1990)

Cop Target should get its long-overdue home video release, hopefully from Severin. Here's a box cover quote for them: It's Ginty! It's Napier! It's Lenzi! It's EXCITEMENT!"

[7/10 · 25 April 2024]

Farley Wood (Ginty) is a Miami cop who may be getting close to the edge. His only friend is his cat, Arthur. Wood has a gigantic contraption in his apartment that can automatically provide Arthur with food, water, and, presumably, cat litter. This device is going to come in handy, because Wood is assigned to go to the tropical island of San Cristobal and he can't always be home to tend to Arthur personally. His assignment is to act as bodyguard and escort to Deborah Kent (Bingham), and her young daughter Priscilla (Borrel). They're scheduled to attend some fancy function, and there is a possible terrorist threat against them.

Things take a turn for the worst when Priscilla is kidnapped by the evil baddies in question. Even though his superiors tell him to leave the case to the proper authorities, Wood goes rogue in his attempt to get Priscilla back. An American embassy official named John Granger (Napes) is also involved. As Wood peels back the onion of this case, he slowly discovers dirty dealings, corrupt dealings, and political dealings, which are all pretty much the same thing. With all the terrorist guns trained against him, will Farley Wood manage to prevent becoming a COP TARGET?

With Cop Target, we have three of our favorite people together: Umberto Lenzi, Robert Ginty, and Charles Napier. We should also mention Jeff Moldovan, who we haven't seen around these parts in a while. God bless Umberto Lenzi. Even in the latter phases of his career, he still managed, seemingly effortlessly, to put together an entertaining romp that's easy to enjoy. While the film slows a bit in the middle (a very common occurrence, especially for this era of the genre), it rallies at the end and has a lot going for it overall.

The Ginty that's here is the Ginty ya want. In an era when Miami cops were all the rage, even his car has unique character. Sonny Crockett drove a black Ferrari Daytona Spyder. Farley Wood drives a beaten-up jalopy that looks to be about thirty seconds away from the car-crusher. However, beneath his gruff exterior, he's a cop with a heart. This is best expressed in his brief scenes with the young girl, Priscilla. It's clear she begins to see him as the father figure she's been missing, and perhaps she is what he is lacking in his own life as well. After all, a robotic cat litter machine can only take you so far. (But what a ride while it lasts). This motivates his drive to, against all odds, retrieve Priscilla from the clutches of the baddies. Also, when we first see her, she's dressed exactly like Madeline, who must have been quite the fashion icon for little girls at that time.

You don't get a ton of Napes, but what you do get is good, and they clearly used his real voice. It would have been a stupid move if they didn't. While his presence doesn't dominate the film, he does get to play an important ace when he ends up being the man behind the exploding helicopter. According to Imdb, the ex-heli is taken from Cobra Mission 2 (1988), and other parts of a car chase were taken from Final Score (1986). This may or may not include the fruit cart. It's tough to tell when cars are running over fruit. Lenzi should be noted for his economy in that sense. Hey, if you're gonna recycle footage, recycle from the best.

Ginty's name in here is Farley, and Napier's is Granger. Could this be a reference to the great actor Farley Granger, who was no stranger to Italian exploitation films - exemplified by Amuck, So Sweet So Dead (both 1972), What Have They Done To Your Daughters? (1974), among others? Or are those names just what Italians think all Americans are called, and those are just typical, common examples? In any case, the film should also get credit for predating American Assassin (2017) by many years, as the beach assault scene in that film seems modeled after the one in Cop Target.

We would say that was a definite, but Cop Target never got a U. S. VHS or DVD release. Sadly, a lot of Italo-Action films at this time suffered a similar fate. Cop Target would have been a perfect release for Lightning Video, or perhaps it should have gotten a clamshell box release on Imperial like Operation Nam (1986). Operation Nam is the U. S. title for Cobra Mission, and Jeff Moldovan also appeared in Cobra Mission 2, from which the exploding helicopter was sourced. See, it all comes back around.

We really believe that fans will rejoice should Cop Target get its long-overdue home video release, hopefully from Severin. Here's a box cover quote for them: It's Ginty! It's Napier! It's Lenzi! It's EXCITEMENT!" Hopefully they use that. If they don't like it, I can come up with others.

Phoenix (III) (2023)

Joyous stupidity reigns supreme with Phoenix. We say watch it and have a great time.

[7/10 · 16 April 2024]

Fiona Grant (Marie) is a very tough army Sergeant, teaching hand-to-hand combat in Afghanistan. When General Shackleton (McDonough) informs her that her father Everett (Couture) was found dead, he all but forces her to take a leave of absence, such is her dedication to the military. So Fiona, who is nicknamed "Phoenix" for reasons that become apparent later, returns to her hometown of Miami and begins her quest for justice and answers.

After her first order of business, dyeing her hair her trademark pink, she is then ready to take on the gang of Russian mobster Maxim Vasiliiv (Prudius), which includes Scavenger (Ling), among others. This syndicate of baddies is creatively named The Syndicate. Shackleton offers to help Fiona even though he's still back in Afghanistan. But Phoenix has local help: family friend Bullet (Zito) joins the fray, and her father's former bodyguard Artemis (Camp) is there too. Obviously it all comes down to the final fight between Fiona and Maxim...will this PHOENIX rise again?

Here's a pro tip before starting to watch Phoenix: just glue your face to your palm, because if you don't, that action will be repeated so often, you may injure your elbow. Or your face. And here's a warning as well: if you're going to watch Phoenix, you HAVE to like stupidity. You really have to enjoy watching stupid things, or you will not get the full benefit of what this film has to offer. Thankfully, we do, and the fun, humor, and charm of Phoenix quickly becomes apparent.

The opening shipping yard fight with Couture (there are a lot of establishing shots of shipping yards, as if that would somehow wow the viewers: "Cool! Look at all those shipping containers! Radical!") is highly ridiculous and has that "dumb" factor that makes the viewer say, "Uhhhh...." That sort of vibe does not let up from there on out, thankfully.

Another wise choice by the filmmakers was having Natalie Eva Marie be the main star and have her carry the film. Her flat affect is so flat, we've seen the EKG's of dead people that were less flat. However, it's important to understand that this is not an insult. We loved her performance and the movie as a whole is highly entertaining, mainly because of her. We hope to see more Marie in the future and we hope she doesn't ever change. You put her together with other master thespians like Bai Ling, Chuck Zito, and Randy Couture, plus English-as-a-second-language co-stars like Prudius, and it's all a 4th of July fireworks show of "bad" acting, non-acting, incomprehensible acting, amateur acting, flat acting, and the like. And we wouldn't want it any other way.

Presumably, director Zirilli was there while all of this was going on. So we as viewers can assume that all of this was what he wanted (?) He's been directing DTV action films for a while now so presumably that's the situation. In any case, it does appear that some time was spent on the fight and action scenes, which is what fans really are there for, which is what Zirilli must have thought. Of course, the hand-to-hand combat scenes are much better executed than the gun-shooting and blow-ups, which feature muzzle flashes, bullet hits, and fire gags that are home-computer level. But, at this point, let's just chuck all that into the mix and have a great time.

It's all wrapped up in a scant 82 minutes, which feels shorter because it's all so entertaining. Then the viewer is treated to the world's slowest end-credits crawl. You really have to see how slow this is to believe it. There's no shame whatsoever in having an 82 minute film. To us, that's a good thing and more movies should be that length. But it does appear the filmmakers were embarrassed by that for some reason. Either that or Tubi forced them to do it.

Joyous stupidity reigns supreme with Phoenix. We say watch it and have a great time.

Strength and Honour (2007)

We definitely give Strength and Honour a strong recommendation.

[6/10 · 11 April 2024]

Sean Kelleher (Madsen) used to be 'The Best' - in this case, the best boxer in County Cork, Ireland. When he accidentally kills a man in the ring, he gives up punching forever. He even promises his young son Michael (Whelton) he'll never box again. Things change drastically when it turns out that Michael has a rare heart condition that only a Los Angeles doctor and $300,000 will cure. Going back to what he knows, Sean is aware that a local no rules bareknuckle fighting tournament called the Puck could be the answer to his money woes.

So, because he's been out of the game for so long, he goes back to his old trainer, O'Leary (Chamberlain). But the current champion of the Puck is a dangerously violent and unstable lunatic named Smasher O'Driscoll (Jones). Apparently, you don't just win the Puck - if you win, you are the Puck. You are also crowned King of the Travellers. Someone with a stable house (i.e. Not a trailer) is not even allowed to enter the Puck. You have to be a Traveller, which appears to our American eyes to be a sort of Irish Gypsy. Leader of these people, Papa Boss (Bergin), helps Sean and his supporters in their mission. Now Sean is fighting for a cause. Not because he just enjoys hitting people, like Smasher, but because his son's life is on the line. To defeat Smasher and win/become the Puck, and become King of the Travellers, he's going to need Strength - but does he have the Honour?

Strength and Honour is an earnest Irish drama that also happens to be a Punchfighter. That might account for the divided opinion that seems to follow the film. Lovers of earnest Irish dramas probably aren't going to watch it (or will never have heard of it), but the sort of viewer that enjoys the simple-minded spectacle of shirtless men endlessly punching each other likely won't warm to the more dramatic aspects.

The familiar story trajectory we've seen many times before, rather than grating on the viewer with cliches, feels more comfortable this time around, kind of like coming home. While the Puck is Punchfighting through and through, the rabid crowds don't clutch cash in their hands. That's because these working-class people probably don't have much cash to spare, but also because the Puck is not about money. It's about tradition, and, yes, Strength and Honour.

We're spelling "Honour" like that because this film never received a U. S. release, so American distributors never got the chance to change it to the U-less spelling. In any case, What makes all the difference is that Madsen really seems to care about the proceedings. Like Marlon Brando or Burt Reynolds, Madsen is an actor that, if he feels the material is not worth caring about, he openly just doesn't. But, thankfully, here he does. DTV fans may just want to tune in for the final fight between Vinnie Jones and Michael Madsen, a confrontation not seen before or since (as of this writing).

But there's a lot more going on here to sink your teeth into. Patrick Bergin and Richard Chamberlain of all people round out the more well-known names in the cast. Both are quite welcome and help the film to rise above its low-budget station. Better-than-average outdoor cinematography (the indoor scenes are a bit dark) also helps a lot, and even in the more downtrodden places, the viewer gets a glimpse of the beauty of Ireland. The acting is also top-shelf and there's plenty of grit to go around.

Now, the last time we saw an Irish film about someone who trains for a fighting tournament - a sort of Irish Kumite, if you will - it was Fatal Deviation (1998). Besides the plot similarities, these two outings could not be more different. S&H is somber and downbeat. FD is silly and ridiculous. If you feel like comparing and contrasting, a double feature would probably be an interesting night's entertainment.

To quote Imdb user themoviehunter-1: "Strength and Honor is a story of hope and personal triumph, and in this world filled with Matrix-wannabees, B-level comedy full of toilet humor, and 300 million dollar glitz, it's refreshing to find a film with no gratuitous sex, gore, or profanity. This film has such a strong and simple theme, you won't have a feeling of apprehension taking your 13 year-old daughter to see it (and she'll probably hug you on the way out of the theater). To put it in a single phrase, this movie is what good film-making is all about."

While Strength and Honour may be serious-minded, we still get a flamboyant psycho as only Vinnie Jones can do it, regarding the Smasher character. There's much else to recommend here, so we won't mention everything, but we will definitely give Strength and Honour a strong recommendation.

Breakaway (1996)

Got to Love Tonya!

[6/10 · 4 April 2024]

Myra Styles (Thompson) is a courier for a mobster named Anton (Ray Dash). Tired of running bags of money all over L. A. only to have to defend herself against the city's finest dirtbags, she tells Anton she wants out. She should have known it wouldn't be that easy. Either by accident or design, she ends up with the money she was supposed to have delivered on her last run. At first, Anton just sends his workaday goons after her, but she was too smart and slick for them, and then the big gun is called in: a ruthless hitman named Grey (Estevez) is now on her trail as well. How does Gina (Harding) fit into all this? And will Myra finally make her ultimate BREAKAWAY?

In the vein of other DTV outings such as Point Doom, Money To Burn, The Stranger, and Fast Money, Breakaway may not have a high IQ but it does entertain. Just to sidestep the elephant in the room, yes, Tonya Harding is front and center here. While The Academy may have snubbed her that year for Best Supporting Actress, she'll always be the winner in our hearts. Just the fact that she's a cast member of Breakaway sets it apart and makes it something special. All her scenes are great (you actually get more Tonya than we were expecting), and you even get some Tonya-Fu. You could argue that she stole the show (or, rather, skated away with it).

There are warehouse fights, chases, shooting, beat-ups, and a very PM-esque car explosion. Myra also walks away from a blow-up in classic style. It does deliver the 90's-style action, and has plenty of humor along the way. There are some stereotypical gangsters that love to play basketball, characters with baggy pants, and it all seems to get dumber as it goes along. That could be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on your point of view. It more or less worked for us, however.

You don't want to get on Anton's bad side. In a fit of rage, he smashes his fax machine. A more 90's expression of rage might not be possible. You have to wait 34 minutes to get to Joe Estevez, but what Joe Estevez you get is quality Joe Estevez. Estevez. Teri Thompson is a worthy tough-gal to handle all the baddies coming after her. In its own low budget way, it all kind of prefigures John Wick.

As long as you don't take it all so seriously (and why would you?), you'll likely have a good time watching Breakaway. If not, there's a scene with Tonya Harding right around the corner.

Los Bravos (2001 Video)

Don't be put off by the uninviting box art for Los Bravos. Give it a shot, and you'll be very entertained.

[6/10 · 28 March 2024]

Hector Riviera (Echavarria) seems like your classic family man - he has a wife, Nicole (Petersen), a young son, Jonathan (Osteen), and he wears a suit and tie to work, and when he comes home after a hard day, he says "Honey, I'm home!" and then grabs a sandwich that just happens to be lying right there on the counter at that very moment. However, the idyllic Riviera family life is about to take a turn for the deadly.

As it turns out, Riviera is a veteran of the Falklands War. After he meets up with an old war buddy from their native land of Argentina, Tomas (Iacoviello), they get into a bar brawl at Superfoot's. Luckily, Superfoot's is owned by Bill "Superfoot" Wallace (who evidently is portraying himself) and he joins the fray. But the real danger comes in the form of DeFuego (Qissi) and his nutbar hitman Reaper (Watson). They are systematically killing off all the old members of Riviera's Falklands unit. After his wife and son are kidnapped by DeFuego and Reaper, Riviera snaps into action to fight the bad guys and rescue his family.

All the while, a seemingly-ineffectual pair of detectives, Sims (Beckford) and Levy (Stormer), are on his trail. Will Riviera evade the cops (who suspect him of the killings, of course), beat the baddies and save Nicole and Jonathan? It may seem like a tall order, but Hector Echavarria...er, sorry...Hector Riviera is up to the task!

We've got some surprising good news to report - we really liked Los Bravos! You'd think, just from looking at the cover, that it would be one of those gangbanger/barrio movies (sort of the Latin equivalent of Homie Movies) - but it isn't at all. There are no homies of any sort anywhere here. Los Bravos is a straight-up Martial Arts action movie of the sort we all love and enjoy. Sure, of course it's all done on a low budget, which may put some people off, but if you're one of those people, why are you watching Los Bravos?

There's a lot to enjoy here: Hector Echavarria is very likable, which is crucial to the whole thing hanging together. You really care about him and his plight. You root for him as he fights the baddies and tries to be a good husband and father, all the while struggling with his English pronunciations. There's something endearing about that. Both he, and the movie itself are really trying. That goes a long way with us, the audience.

The Falklands angle gave the proceedings a different spin, which we appreciated. There are also a panoply of entertaining side characters, such as Hector's boss, who seems like he would be in an infomercial of that time, the bickering boyfriend and girlfriend, the mall security guards, and even the two cops, Sims and Levy. It appears effort was made to make this more than a 'kick you in the face' movie. But even if it was just that, it would probably still be a good one: the beginning alley fight is very stupid in the best possible way, and the inevitable bar brawl at Superfoot's was highly entertaining.

All the fighting with Echavarria, Qissi and Ryan Watson (AKA Reaper) is great stuff and is gold for fans of the genre. Reaper even has one especially fantastic trick up his sleeve. We wouldn't dare spoil it here, of course. The whole package is tightly wrapped up with a 77-minute running time and a great time is had by all.

While the release date for Los Bravos is 2001, the copyright date at the end of the credits states 1998, which means that it was likely shot throughout '97-'98, which makes sense when you watch it. Jonathan is playing what appears to be a Sega Genesis game with his gaggle of 12-year-old buddies (a scene familiar to us all; it seemingly would be incomplete without at least one plate of Totino's Pizza Rolls). There's a great moment when Hector and his son are sitting in front of a computer and Hector says something like, "Do you know how to use the internet?" - Hector even does an early version of FaceTime/Skype with his boss.

Don't be put off by the uninviting box art for Los Bravos. Give it a shot, and you'll be very entertained.

Fists of Steel (1989)

Fists of Steel is a worthwhile and fun watch, if you can find it.

[7/10 · 21 March 2024]

Carlos "Conquistador" Diaz (Palomino) is an ex-Marine who served in 'Nam. Due to some sort of accident with his hands, his knuckle and finger bones were replaced with metal joints. Hence, he truly has FISTS OF STEEL. The CIA tries to recruit Diaz because they want to catch an evil baddie named Shogi (Silva) and his sidekick Katrina (Marks), who is described as "The Best". Naturally, at first Carlos is unimpressed with the CIA's offer, but when they show him what appears to be news footage of Shogi killing his father, he then gets hoppin' mad and goes on his own mission to get revenge against Shogi. He ends up traveling to Hawaii, where he encounters more baddies, such as Saylor (Tessier) and Rijar (Tarkington). But will Shogi feel the wrath of Diaz's FISTS OF STEEL?

Fists of Steel - not to be confused with Hands of Steel (1986), the classic Paco Queruak vehicle - starts with a cool song and logo, so the audience immediately gets sucked in. Then we see Henry Silva's Shogi character, inexplicably dressing up as various different characters in order to kill people. Just why he does this is never explained later in the film. Maybe the idea is that he's just so evil, he enjoys playing a bit of dress-up as a hobby as he kills his prey.

You really do care about Carlos's plight, and the whole thing overall has an odd vibe that's easy to love. As of this writing, Fists of Steel is a VERY rare movie, and not deserving of its hard-to-find status. You've gotta love Carlos's gym buddies and some of the other non-actors that give FOS a lot of flavor. No one knows why Silva is named Shogi, but Tessier is a sailor named...Saylor. Makes sense.

Every supposed flaw of Fists of Steel could be turned into a positive. For example, the movie is very repetitive - it seems there wasn't a lot of plot to be developed in between the fight/action scenes, so a lot of dialogue is repeated multiple times - but that can be very funny. The idea that the Carlos Diaz character has metal hands isn't really played up to the fullest - usually that just means that an extra-loud noise is heard whenever he punches anybody. That's pretty much the extent of it. But it all works out in the end because no one ever said all of this is supposed to be on a completely even keel.

With that in mind, there are two twists towards the end of the film (don't worry, no spoilers here). Let's just say that one is completely unsurprising, and the other one is truly a surprise. As if a movie of this sort even needed a twist, here they give you two. Or, really, in our eyes, one. But Palomino facing off against at least two guys who exclusively play baddie roles - Silva and Tessier - it's all worth it right there.

Director Jerry Schafer worked with Francis Ford Coppola on one of his first projects, Tonight For Sure (1962), and then a scant 19 years later directed Female Mud Wrestling Championships (1981), a documentary about female mud wrestling championships. This project featured both Carlos Palomino (as a referee) and Marianne Marks (as an interviewer), which led into his final directorial project, Fists of Steel. What a career.

Featuring the memorable songs "Eyes of the Stranger" by Nicci Sill, and "Left With the Right" by Robert Terry, Fists of Steel is a worthwhile and fun watch, if you can find it.

The Game (1988)

There's plenty to enjoy with The Game.

[7/10 · 14 March 2024]

When a cabal of ultra-wealthy baddies convene in a secret location to play THE GAME, what that really means is that they each have teams of killers who go out and hunt specially-chosen "derelicts". What this cabal didn't count on, however, is the toughness of Kane (Alan), a badass of mighty proportions. Kane's father, a government agent going by the name of Mr. Schekel (Campanella), infiltrates The Game in order to exfiltrate his son. So while Kane, and fellow prey Luna (McCullough) and Stubby (Swalve) are fighting for their lives in the field of combat, Schekel is back at the base, having to contend with Col. Podak (Elliott), the Game Master, and the other evil Game-players. Who will win THE GAME?

Not to be confused with the Michael Douglas film of the same name, or any other movies out there called The Game, THIS The Game takes the "hunted for sport by a cabal" sub-sub-sub-subgenre typified by the likes of Death Chase (1988), Fugitive X: Innocent Target (1996), and later entries such as The Tournament (2009) and The Condemned (2007), and puts a nice 1988 spin on it. Add that to the fact that there are both ninjas n' Nazis (NNN), and The Price Is Right-style game show models involved - who are named Sherry and Dawn, by the by - played by Casadei and Gava, respectively, and a tone of wackiness ensues. Oh, and the ninjas have machine guns.

While there is a surprising amount of setup before the mayhem ensues, the fact that The Game was directed by Cole McKay, the longtime stuntman we all know and love, ensures that stunts, shooting, blow-ups, swordfights, exploding helicopters (no matter the source of which), and other action-oriented material is soon to follow. While not an AIP film, it has a definite AIP feel, akin to the likes of Invasion Force (1990) or Mankillers (1987), the latter of which also featured Craig Alan.

While we love "assemble a team" sequences in movies, here we have "assemble the derelicts" where we see how The Game people pick their, to quote the aforementioned Fugitive X, "Innocent Targets". Why someone would pay ten million dollars just to have commandos shoot at them must show just how evil these people are.

Finished off by the classic 80's electric guitar-based soundtrack and some un-PC dialogue, there's plenty to enjoy with The Game.

H-Bomb (1976)

It features a killer end-credits song that seemingly is aiming to put the viewer in mind of the James Bond themes of the day.

[6/10 · 7 March 2024]

From the back of the Cinema Group Home Video VHS box: "When a power-mad Cambodian General and the Bangkok underworld team up to steal an American nuclear missile, the action never stops! Exploding bombs, spectacular shows of martial arts and death defying chases make this an adventure film to remember. Chris Mitchum and Olivia Hussey star in H-BOMB - a martial arts extravaganza that crosses political borders. With "No-holds barred" action, the film whirls through a tale of suspense and intrigue that'll leave you gasping for breath!"

And, perhaps less flatteringly, this from the Golden Movie Retriever: "Mitchum stars as a CIA agent who is sent to Bangkok to retrieve two stolen nuclear warheads from a terrorist. It just so happens that his ex-girlfriend's father is the terrorist he must contend with in this stupid movie."

While we definitely would NOT describe this movie as "stupid", we clearly needed help when it came to figuring out what the plot actually was. But, really, what exists of the plot is secondary to the super-70's vibe: gigantic cars, wah-wah funk on the soundtrack, shirts with big collars and louder patterns, bellbottoms and long hair are clearly the order of the day. The technology on display features a proto-Skype video phone and some video chess.

Unfortunately, it doesn't appear that we, as the audience, get to hear Mitchum's or Hussey's actual voices; it's all dubbed in that typical obnoxious style of that time where it sounds like there was one male voice talking to himself, loudly, and same with the female voice (s). On the action front, P. Chalong rarely skimps - you get motorcycle and car chases/stunts, shooting, blow-ups, an exploding helicopter, and the general "Third World" disregard for health and safety that came with enacting these stunts.

Another added bonus we get with the films of P. Chalong and Arizal, among others, is that there is a good amount of local color and scenery that is enjoyable to behold. We have to wonder what Olivia Hussey thought of all this - the love story between her character and Mitchum's isn't exactly Romeo and Juliet. None of what we see makes a huge amount of sense, but that's not exactly a problem. Movies today are very homogenous, and H-Bomb and its ilk are an antidote to that. For that reason, the audience today for films such as this may be small, but if you're reading this, that means we are among the people out there looking for something different. And H-Bomb is certainly different.

It features a killer end-credits song that seemingly is aiming to put the viewer in mind of the James Bond themes of the day. Was this P. Chalong's answer to Bond? Only you can decide, but H-Bomb is definitely worth a watch - especially for fans that don't mind if their action movies feature a healthy amount of nonsensicality and are made on a shoestring in a far-away land. And isn't that all of us, really?

Crime Lords (1991 Video)

Most, if not all, of the cliches that you would expect to see in this sort of material are indeed present and accounted for. That's not a bad thing.

[6/10 · 29 February 2024]

L. A. Cops Elmo Lagrange (Crawford) and Peter Russo (Hewitt) are partners, but also an Odd Couple of sorts. Lagrange is a crabby curmudgeon and perhaps not the best physical specimen on the force. Russo is young, hip, idealistic, and happenin' - his stylish mullet tells that tale. On the trail of some CRIME LORDS, the two men fly to Hong Kong. So now they're an Odd Couple, Cops On the Edge and now Fish out of Water. Getting mixed up with Ling (Hong) and Jennifer Monahan (Byun) lead them to the ultimate confrontation. But will they survive their Hong Kong escapade?

At the time of this writing, there are almost 1,300 reviews on the Comeuppance Reviews site. So perhaps it makes sense that then, and only then, would we be getting to Wayne Crawford. We have that luxury now, in 2024, but video store patrons in the early 90's would likely not have rented 1,300 movies before they got to Crawford. Consequently, it seems, not a heck of a lot of people discovered the charms (?) of Wayne Crawford.

Crawford looks like a cross between Sam Waterston and Leo Rossi. He claims to have a "spare tire", and is unshaven and cynical. His Comeuppance-relevant credits include White Ghost (1988) and L. A. P. D.: To Protect and to Serve (2001). His partner in 'Crime is Martin Hewitt, known for his run of Erotic thrillers in the 90's. There is a scene, presumably played for laughs, where he and Crawford get into a fight while wearing only their underwear. Perhaps this served as a good training ground for what he did later on.

Buddy cop movies were all the rage at the time, and Lethal Weapon (1987), Red Heat (1988), and Action Jackson (1988) ruled the video stores of the day. This seems to be the inspiration for Crime Lords. Throw in a WYC, Captain John Strauss (Le Plat), some silly dialogue, wacky situations, but also some fish-out-of-water cop action in Hong Kong, and there you have it. Most, if not all, of the cliches that you would expect to see in this sort of material are indeed present and accounted for. That's not a bad thing.

The main drawback to Crime Lords is its pacing issues, which are very noticeable throughout. But it was nice to see those old one-color computers with their dot matrix printers, and other nostalgic items on display. Plus there was a scene with a flicked cigarette that showed some cinematic ingenuity on Crawford's part (he also directed the film).

Clearly the Elmo Lagrange character was near and dear to his heart, because he returned in American Cop (1995). In the end, however, Crime Lords isn't exactly must-see viewing, but it's entertaining enough for what it is. If you've seen every other buddy cop movie ever made and are looking for another one, there's always Crime Lords.