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Reviews
Stoker (2013)
Style Over Substance
Having watched the terrible decline in many areas of movie making over the past 20 years, i think 'Stoker' is a clear example of a movie that is all style and little else. Chan-Wook Park seems to be idolized by the chosen few who seem to think his movies are pure art. Quite where this comes from i have no idea. Take the 'Stoker' storyline; Daddy dies, Uncle appears from his travels, Mummy falls in love with Uncle, Uncle has a crazed sexual longing for his niece, cue over the top killings. Add to all of this a collage of 'so called' cool scenes including the bursting of a foot blister in extreme close up, the spreading of tennis balls on a court, nicely placed boxes of shoes on a bed, an egg being rolled around a table with a weird crunching sound,the daughter dressed in strange 'Meeks Cutoff' movie leftovers,the Uncle who drives a sports car alongside a school bus of screaming girls, the horrendous eating sounds of the daughter at each meal time (maybe something to do with her super hearing) and on and on. A total mess of footage that we are meant to see as 'total Art-house'. Matthew Goode must have laughed his way through this garbage thinking of the paycheck. Nicole Kidman simply did what she has done in many of her previous movies by acting strange. Last but not least, the very over rated Mia Wasikowska who simply plays the oddball and is better known for her unpronounceable name and whiter than white skin. This movie is typical of today's output by directors making a name for themselves with sub standard crap pretending it is art.I have not been so bored since i watched the aforementioned 'Meeks Cutoff'. Straight in with a bullet as one of the worst movies of this decade.
Killer Joe (2011)
Certainly not cool at all
Watching the sheep review this run of the mill over stylized piece of redneck film making seriously makes me wonder. From the opening shot of Gina Gershon's 'vaginal hairs' to Juno Temple's constant nudity to Matthew Mahogany's ridiculous caricature of the 'super cool' bent cop, I am amazed that the sheep are taken in. Or am I. Seeing Mahogany getting dressed in the police locker room putting on his leather and shades is laughable. I have never seen handcuffs look so 'manly'. Haden Church is the only one in this movie who can hold his head high. Gershon's head unfortunately has been reduced to giving a blow job to a piece of Kentucky Fried Chicken leg, held by Mahogany as he obviously 'gets off' on chicken meat sucking as he climaxes in this moment of cinematic debauchery. This movie is not cool, it's just plain 'all American' and you can keep it. One disappointed reviewer.
The Artist (2011)
black and white
"..with an open mind i headed into this year's 'almost cert' Oscar movie 'The Artist'. I personally had only heard bad things although i had been told that it was receiving rave reviews. I wonder why. I love old black and white movies, but ones with a good story. The Artist simply took from many, many b & w movies before it and simply re-made it. As i watched the movie unfold before me i did ask what many had seemed to ask already...What is the point. If this does win numerous awards at the Oscars this year then yet another remake or imitation does it again. Yes, it is well made BUT..with the technology that the studios have today, this would be an easy feat. Was I entertained..no not one bit. In fact i was so desperate for some sound...which says a lot for the movie. As i write this piece i am still wondering what on earth was the point to all of this. Was it a way of ribbing the current film industry. Was it a just trying to be clever. Was it trying to be different (and do we need that). What was it trying to achieve. Those who give it high praise must be seeing something i am certainly not seeing. Those sad geeks out there that spot the 'references'...good luck to you. All i spotted was a nice imitation of what has already been and gone...and done much better than this attempt. 2/10 (for effort) TV is proving a far more powerful medium than the movies these days-Great Expectations, Boardwalk Empire, Downton Abbey, Treme, The Hour etc etc p.s. I did notice a dog doing tricks, the same ones performed at the Golden Globes. Now THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT or is it.
War Horse (2011)
warhorse, war bore
I personally find it quite extraordinary that people say this is a wonderful achievement in movie making.This movie reminded of Tamara Drew with horses and a few action scenes thrown in. I love a movie that makes me weep and yes, i am a grown man. This movie did nothing for me and my wife when we watched it. Firstly, the dreadful CGI looking village and scenes took me away from something i really wanted to enjoy. The characters, especially the son who reared the horse were so one dimensional and the grandfather was quite frankly as good as a cardboard cutout. Secondly, the scene where the Indian scout has guaranteed his mission and informed the general what to do with his troops. Five minutes later they are shot to bits. Two minutes prior to this the general had uttered the comment " it shows you what good recognizance can do"..great joke. The fighting scenes were all quite tame. Considering the troops all fixed their bayonets and the fact that this type of fighting was commonplace in world war 1, we saw not one bayonet kill. The aforementioned charge by the British cavalry saw some swinging blades and a few kills, but certainly no gore whatsoever. I for one applaud this to a point. However, this sort of tame fighting did not deserve any film certification except 'ideal for 10 year olds'. As the mini stories surrounding the fate of the horse continued to spill out, they became more boring. The old man and his daughter section was horrible. There is a scene in the movie "Life Of Brian" where the Romans invade a house trying to find various people hiding in the most ridiculous places such as baskets and behind a curtain. Certainly a classic scene that i was convinced would never be bettered in my lifetime...but hiding two bloody huge stallions in a girls bedroom as the Germans remark "Vot Vos that noise"..absolutely hilarious. The script was appalling. As the girl rides over the hill the father chases after her when he hears cries for help. As he reaches the top of the hill, the girl is surrounded by a huge battalion of (very quiet) German troops trying to pull her from the horse ON THE OTHER SIDE OF A LAKE. How did she get there and in 30 seconds-remarkable achievement.Good jump. The two boys who were shot in the previous section were lucky to get out of the movie. All this may seem harsh, but c'mon...this is Spielberg. The man is obviously now on mortgage payment row and simply taking money for nothing. He is capable of far better than this, surely. On a closing note. The best scene in the movie was the meeting of the two troops from either side as they disentangle the wire from super horse. This was really funny. Don't know if it was meant to be, but i laughed out loud."Another pair of wire cutters i suggest". "I speak English well", the German corrects the Englishman for saying " you speak English good". Sounds like Britain today. As the old man turned up at the end of the movie looking like chef Anthony Wirrel Thompson back from a Tesco raid, he purchased the horse in memory of his daughter (what happened to her we have no idea-dead i suppose)only to hand the horse over to the young Brit and walk off into the distance. This brings us to the dreadful closing scenes as the young lad and Joe the horse (now back in Blighty) ride back to the farm with the sun creating a ridiculous glowing affect on all and sundry. Emily Watson smiles as if relieved that the movie is about to finish, while the grandfather has one of the most cringe worthy greetings ever recorded. Saving Private Ryan. Save Joe the Horse. Miles apart in movie making.
All Fall Down (1962)
Very Berry Berry
Having seen the high ratings that this movie had been given I looked forward to watching it having just seen a true old classic the night before in the shape of 'Separate Tables'. 'All Fall Down' had so much going for it but was completely ruined by the young 'Clinton' boy constantly stating his brother's name Berry Berry. By the time i had heard the name Berry Berry for the 50th time, with only 45 minutes of the movie gone i was starting to have fits. Firstly, any child named Berry Berry must have very strange parents(which they were) and why Clinton and eventually the whole cast had to keep calling him Berry Berry while not mentioning each other's names was idiotic to the point that i wanted to grab Berry Berry, and get his name changed by deed poll. I have never been so infuriated watching a movie. As the last mention of Berry Berry was spoken by the little brat Clinton in true American whining tones I could only 'fall down' myself at the relief that this idiotically written movie was finally over. Berry Berry is imprinted in my mind for ever!