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Bones (2005)
Massive failure of a show
Today's featured IMDb user comment, by a Fox marketer posing as an IMDb user, describes "Bones" as "refreshingly real, from characters to plots."
Here's one of these "refreshingly real" plots:
A corpse turns up with a mutilated face that upon computer reconstruction looks like... a chicken's. Also, an autopsy shows that the corpse's neck has been wrung, like a chicken's. Bones and Booth trace the corpse to a chicken farm, which is being picketed by hipster protesters chanting, "Cluck you, cluck you." Here they learn that the victim developed his chicken-like face when the farm's chicken stench caused his nasal passages to become deformed. Then, they probably solve the case. I don't know. I couldn't finish watching. I've never made it more than halfway through an episode. Not for lack of trying.
I don't remember exactly, but the chicken episode may be the same one in which the corpse is found by a troop of girl scouts who carefully preserve it and transport it to the FBI lab on their scout bus, with the consent of their scout leader. And let me tell you, the realism left me feeling refreshed.
The above plot description might make it sound like this is an inspired, surreal parody of cop shows, but it isn't. If this was parody, I'd expect the actors to play it completely deadpan. Instead, they're trying to be so cute and precious that we just want to eat them up.
There's Bones -- whose level of social awkwardness is wildly inconsistent, depending on which writer is phoning in the gags -- and Booth, her thoroughly bland boss, and a group of thirteen year old boys disguised as lab technicians. One of these guys is named "Sweets," which alone is enough to push this show from annoying to intolerable.
There's also a slutty girl (Angela, I think her name is?) who has no identifiable function other than letting us know every six minutes that she's been sleeping around. How this advances the plot in any way is beyond me. Maybe it all comes together in the second half of the episodes, when I'm not watching.
The only unique aspect of "Bones" is the shockingly grotesque corpses. Now, if the rest of the show was as grotesque -- if these corpses were put into any sort of appropriate context, that is -- it would be one of the darkest, most compelling shows on television. Instead, we are treated to the bizarre spectacle of these hideous, decaying bodies that look like they're from the set of a Lucio Fulci movie displayed in brightly-lit rooms while childish actors poke at them and flirt with each other against sparkly background music. It's one of the weirdest things I've ever seen, but it's not funny or interesting at all. It's unwatchable.
0/10.
House M.D.: House Divided (2009)
For my money, the greatest "House" episode of them all
I've been watching this show since it began, and I've never felt (as some do) that it's "jumped the shark" or suffered a slow decrease in quality. Every season has had some good episodes, some not-so-good ones, and one or two jewels. "House Divided" came out of nowhere to dominate the latter category. The reason this episode is so much damn fun is that the unthinkable happens: House finally "cracks." Just when it seemed like this character was hopelessly static and would never really grow, the writers faced facts and admitted that a guy, no matter how smart, who tried to live his whole life as a completely rational being and ignored all emotion would never succeed at it: he'd either cave or go literally crazy. House refuses to cave.
All of the show's best elements are in this episode: a cool medical mystery with a red herring, an interesting patient and the ethical issues surrounding his treatment, great lines ("and then I have a clever response"), pure hilarity (House rocking out to Public Enemy is definitely a crowning moment) and House dangerously abusing his body in the name of science (in this case, going without sleep for days on the grounds that it's "interesting"). But at the same time, all of the standard elements are subtly warped. As House, the central cog, becomes inwardly unglued, so does the whole formula: nothing is working correctly. House breaks a major rule in his treatment of the patient, but for the first time ever, he can't explain why he did it. His analysis of the patient's mother's motivations is totally off base. The patient doesn't grow personally; no lessons are learned. The team spends most of the episode mildly drunk. Wilson is even more ineffectual than usual and ends up wandering into the street hammered and without his pants. Cuddy has the upper hand. Even the MUSIC is screwed up: the cool percussive beats that are always in the background suddenly morph into what I can only call "the world's creepiest sound effect" in the scene where House relaxes in the bathtub (when he realizes that whatever is happening to his brain is worse than mere sleep-dep... *sigh*, beautifully done). I also note that the lighting gets increasingly brighter throughout the episode as House gets increasingly spaced-out.
The whole thing is simultaneously one of the funniest, saddest and scariest TV episodes I've ever seen. The two follow-up episodes were good, but they couldn't match the "House" meets "X-Files" meets "Twilight Zone" vibe of this one. A great way to wrap up the season and proof that the show has life left.
Monk (2002)
"Monk" is junk
I liked this show in the beginning for Tony Shalhoub's masterful portrayal of extreme social awkwardness (not so much the writers' cartoon version of OCD), nicely contrasted against Ted Levine's dry-witted police lieutenant, and the clever mysteries that called to mind the glory days of "Columbo." But things went downhill when the writers made the decision to sacrifice all realism in favor of putting their lead character in an OCD sufferer's worst nightmare every week, always thanks to some "Final Destination"-style inescapable twist of fate. It was kind of funny the first, third, and tenth times, but eight seasons of it is appalling.
I put up with this insanity for about half the show's duration, but the final straw came in season four, when Mr. Monk went to a rock concert (ho ho, he thinks it involves rocks) and mistook a port-a-john for a phone booth. And spoke into the urinal. Because he thought it was a phone. The genius detective with a germ phobia. He talked... into... the urinal. At that point, it was obvious the writers were only using their potentially interesting character as a prop for lame jokes. The few episodes I've caught since then don't seem to have made significant changes. The only thing the show can be praised for anymore is consistency. 3/10.
Law Abiding Citizen (2009)
Guy tortures another guy and blows up more guys; movie ends.
"A Serious Man" was sold out, so I needed to waste two hours before the next showing with another movie. I picked this one. Big mistake. It is about a genius government assassin who gets revenge on a corrupt justice system with the aid of a machine gun, an exploding cell phone and blowfish venom. We do not get much insight into his character, because most of the movie's dialogue consists of variations on the phrase "This is f**ked up." Along the way, a series of strange riddles are raised: 1) Why does the CIA assassin live in a neighborhood where junkies are liable to break into his home and kill his family? Wouldn't his pay grade allow him a home with less riffraff and better security? 2) Why would a CIA assassin be surprised at the fact that the justice system is flawed? 3) Why does the Philadelphia city government keep scheduling meetings to figure out how the assassin is committing murder from his prison cell, yet it never occurs to anyone to maybe install a camera or a guard to see what he's doing in there all day? 3) Couldn't the city at least transfer him to a higher-security prison after he confesses to killing about 12 people? 4) Why do the two lawyers go investigate the Batcave BY THEMSELVES when they can't even get through a full workday without a colleague being killed by an exploding object? 4) How can a bomb under a bed incinerate everything but the bed?
I think the answer to these riddles is, "Because the movie is retarded," but they still left me feeling upset and confused. It is worth noting that at one point in the movie, certain events are recorded to a DVD seen by the lawyer character's daughter, and the lawyer describes the DVD as "a dumb horror movie that she shouldn't be watching." That sums it up. Even the characters in the movie thought the movie was dumb. 2/10.
The Parallax View (1974)
One-of-a-kind classic
This is easily one of the spookiest films ever made. Not so much for the story alone (which keeps details vague and human drama at a minimum), but for the amazing atmosphere that Alan Pakula and his photographer, Gordon Willis, have cooked up. Their great accomplishment is to turn the boring and familiar settings of the modern business world (offices, escalators, parking lots, airports, etc.) into something truly sinister. In some cases, it looks less like we're at the office than on another planet. This is mainly achieved by filming things at odd angles and at such distances that the characters appear tiny and flattened against the background; in the few scenes where Beatty visits his publisher or relaxes at home, he is isolated and shrouded in darkness. The visuals drive home the idea (really, the fact) of an all-powerful corporate world from which there is no escape.
Others have commented that a couple scenes feel tacked on, but one of the nice things about a Pakula film is that he's never lazy and makes every scene (even the gratuitous ones) worth your while. The bar fight and car chase add nothing to the story, but they're a top-notch bar fight and car chase nonetheless. The photography, set design and action sequences add up to a perfectly enjoyable thriller, but Pakula goes above and beyond the call of duty with the surreal and brilliantly constructed "brainwashing" sequence halfway through (the music in this sequence is unforgettable), putting the film in a class of its own.
This isn't a typical thriller... it's weird, it's slow-paced, it requires patience... but if you allow yourself to be sucked into the atmosphere, it's a one-of-a-kind experience that will likely leave you as paranoid and cynical as Pakula seems to be. 8/10.
Prozac Nation (2001)
Depressingly bad
If you're coming to this film to learn something about depression, forget it: you won't learn anything except how not to write a screenplay on the subject. I understand the intent was to show how severe depression can turn an average person into a complete wreck, but the result is the most one-dimensional character I've ever seen in a Hollywood feature... no small feat. Christina Ricci as Elizabeth spends the entirety of this film screaming at the top of her lungs, viciously insulting someone, bursting into tears or some combination of the three (the only exceptions being some quiet sulking at the beginning and end). There is not the slightest hint of what she might be like WITHOUT depression... not the faintest glimmer of any other aspects of her personality... she just screams. At one point, her roommate tells her, "Lizzie, you're such a fun person to be around when you're not being depressed," and my reaction was, "She IS?" It seemed odd that the writers would include this comment without giving us any examples, but this script is a lesson in incompetence. It has no discernible structure or flow at all; instead, it consists of a series of awkwardly strung-together scenes of Lizzie screaming, then ends. Character development? No... Scenes of her everyday existence, i.e. going to classes, that might possibly be important details? No... Screaming at maximum volume? CHECK. It's not quite enough, I'm afraid. 1/10.
Ginger Snaps (2000)
Goth girls + werewolves + heroic werewolf-hunting stoner = Halloween classic
The Canadian film industry is proof that American criticisms of Canada's supposed lameness are baseless and uncalled for. Canada has produced some amazing and twisted movies, and this one--best described as a cross between "Freaks and Geeks" and early Cronenberg--ably continues that tradition. The visionary screenwriter injected new life into the nearly-dead werewolf genre by having the wolf transformation be a gradual one (recreating the same ominous mood as in Cronenberg's classic, "The Fly") and giving it a female perspective. The story is ostensibly a puberty metaphor (which is kind of strained, if you ask me: she's becoming more confident in her looks while turning into a dog? What?), but it's equally interesting as a metaphor for human change in general: Brigitte is terrified to see her beloved older sister turning into someone she no longer recognizes or understands. The talented leads make that conflict believable and moving.
When combined with shocking gore, deadpan humor, and a sidekick who lives in a greenhouse and spends his days smoking pot and researching werewolf lore, I'd say this movie deserves the rare title of Halloween classic. Definitely an 8/10 (or 9/10 in metric ratings).
Graveyard Shift (1990)
The mutant rat movie to end all mutant rat movies
This might be the craziest Stephen King adaptation ever made (and yes, I am aware of "The Lawnmower Man"). It's so f**king intense from start to finish that it makes Stanley Kubrick's "The Shining" look like a Hallmark movie. The studio executives no doubt wanted to make a few bucks with a by-the-numbers B-movie and chose the director based on his past experience on a number of respectable movies; no one could have predicted that he'd go balls-out crazy and treat a story about a mutant rat monster as if he'd been handed the script to "Macbeth."
A drifter named John arrives in the town of Gate's Falls and applies for a job in a rat-infested textile mill run by Mr. Warwick (played by an unknown actor named Stephen Macht, whose attempted Maine accent sounds more Transylvanian), a deliriously evil man who rules not only the mill, but the entire town, with an iron fist. Warwick regularly strolls through the mill to laugh at how exhausted everyone is and knowingly sends his employees to their doom in the basement, which is inhabited by a huge rat-bat hybrid. This seems like an extremely counterproductive way to run a business, but it's best not to question anything in this movie. Meanwhile, an exterminator gone wrong (Brad Dourif's performance will give you nightmares) attempts to flush out the mill's rats, and John sort of develops a relationship with the mill's secretary, although even the romantic scenes are not handled calmly. As an example of the film's overall mood, at one point Warwick sends John to help clean the basement; the script probably said, "Warwick sends John to clean the basement," but it plays out with Warwick and John staring each other down wild-eyed as if Warwick had challenged John to a death-match; it is indeed the most intense "one character asks another to do a simple task" scene in history.
Basically everything in the movie is like that, until the final sequence, at which point the maniacal director apparently tore the script into confetti and threw it into the air, because all nine levels of hell break loose. Our small cleaning crew, including Warwick, descends through a trapdoor and finds itself lost in a maze of wooden tunnels, the mill being some kind of labyrinthine, "House of Leaves"-style structure that extends hundreds of feet below the surface of the earth, and the rat-bat begins killing them off. Warwick goes completely off the beam at this time and begins chasing John and his girlfriend through the tunnels after smearing his face full of black grease. He encounters the rat-beast and throws himself at it, screaming, "We're going to hell... TOGETHUUUHHH!!!" Somehow, John and Jane descend even deeper, and end up in a massive cavern packed full of human bones; I could only imagine the director running around foaming at the mouth as he told his set design crew he needed the most gigantic cavern ever put on screen. Then, through some miracle, our man John makes it back into the textile mill and defeats the monster using, and this is no less crazy than it sounds, a Pepsi can. These final scenes are exhausting, but the movie isn't about to let some trifle like an "ending" release its grip on the viewer, because a nightmarish theme song then begins playing consisting of a bizarre techno beat with sounds of industrial machinery and bits of dialogue mixed over it. The tremendous amount of effort that was put into this thing forces me to rate it 8/10; any less and I am afraid the director might track me down and cut out my eyes or something.
Regi Andrej Tarkovskij (1988)
A look into the mind of a genius
This grand documentary, chronicling the making of "The Sacrifice" and featuring various interviews with Tarkovsky and his wife, should be seen by anyone who is interested in the minds behind great films. The focus is not so much on Tarkovsky's work, but on the man himself, his ideas and personality, and it is guaranteed to increase your respect for him. In one interview, he makes the somewhat self-deprecating remark that he experiences the world "as children and animals do" and does not consider himself like "other men who think and draw conclusions." I don't doubt the first part of that statement, but it is clear from listening to him that he was an incredibly analytic thinker and *especially* good at drawing conclusions. What struck me throughout the film was how articulate Tarkovsky is: no matter the situation, he expresses himself so exactly that his ideas seem to be fully formed before he ever speaks. That gift for expression is why every frame in a Tarkovsky movie is perfectly conceived and executed: there was never any confusion over what he was creating (and it is clear from the on-set footage that his exactness rubbed off on everyone around him). Even when lying in his hospital bed, he meticulously describes how he wants the color of a scene to look in the final cut: nothing could weaken his commitment. Watching this will not only increase your appreciation for Tarkovsky, but also for the art of film-making. 10/10.
Hard Rock Zombies (1984)
Is the movie worth sitting through... for the ultimate rock concert?
"Hard Rock Zombies" raises the intriguing question: if a movie's plot involves a metal band being killed by Nazis and rising from the grave to deliver the ultimate rock concert, is it possible for that movie to suck? The answer is no, but I admit there were moments when I had my doubts. This was mainly because of the movie's unfortunate habit of taking scenes that could be funny if they lasted a minute or two but instead dragging them out for what feels like hours. The most egregious instance comes when the rockers arrive in the town of Grand Guignol and upset the locals with outrageous antics such as juggling beer cans and miming; the camera cuts to three townspeople looking on disapprovingly so many times that I wondered if the DVD was getting stuck in the player. Out of curiosity, I went back later to count the total number of these cuts, and I lost track at *30.* That's not an exaggeration: the filmmakers really thought the best way to convey the full emotional complexity of this scene was to show us the same three guys frowning over *30 times.*
Such scenes are minor annoyances, however, compared to when the rockers become zombies and head to the concert hall for what is supposedly the ultimate rock concert. This is what we've been waiting for the entire movie, yet they play to a completely empty room and worse yet, choose some kind of terrible glam love ballad called "Cassie's Song." The Jonas Brothers rock more than this song. Worse still, the song takes place only about an hour into the movie, meaning I had to brace myself for many more scenes of God knows what. These scenes were so awful that there's no point in describing them at length; most of the town's residents are transformed into ghouls through a convoluted process that I didn't understand (mainly because the character explaining it delivers his lines like he has no tongue), and the remaining humans defend themselves using cardboard cutouts of celebrity heads.
This portion of the movie would no doubt drive a less patient viewer to suicide, but being the resilient man that I am, I stuck with it to the end, and I'm glad I did, because it turns out the director was lulling me into a false sense of security. What I thought was the alleged "ultimate rock concert" halfway through was in fact a mere teaser for the real ultimate rock concert. The rockers arise from their graves a second time, and instead of playing "Cassie's Song," they play a Judas Priest-style riff that is so godlike in its rocking it drives all the ghouls into an underground Nazi gas chamber, where they perish. The gas chamber scene is briefly intercut by a shot of a ghoul EATING ITS OWN HEAD, which is easily one of the strangest images I've ever seen. This final sequence is cool enough to seal the movie's place in the pantheon of great 80's film, but Christ almighty, did we have to jump through some hoops to get there. 8/10. Recommended.
Night of the Comet (1984)
Uhhhhh
I thought I knew what I was getting into with this movie, but nothing could have prepared me for how weird it was. First of all, there are 80s movies... and there are 80s movies. And then there is this movie. I don't think the director was simply trying to conform to the styles of the day, I think he realized how hideous 80's pop culture was and decided to preserve it on film for posterity, perhaps as a warning. It is not an exaggeration to say the outfits and hairstyles of Samantha and Regina are more unnerving than the zombies. Same with the godawful synth music which never seems to synthesize with the action on screen. Same with the interior decorations and the slang and the dance scene; it's all too much to handle and may require insulin for some viewers.
But beyond that, the core weirdness lies in what actually happens. Sam and Regina, permanently sarcastic teen sisters, are the only apparent survivors of a passing comet that has instantly turned everyone on Earth into red dust, except for some zombies who have been partially exposed and are slowly turning into dust. The girls take refuge in a radio station where they encounter a handsome young trucker named Hector. Hector hangs out with them for approximately five minutes until they decide to go shopping, at which point he disappears for most of the movie. Inside the shopping mall, the girls are attacked by the lamest post-apocalyptic gang ever, consisting of skinny teenage guys wearing black trench coats, hats, and sunglasses. These guys are also in the process of turning to dust, but unlike the other exposed victims, they are not brainless zombies (consistency is not a strength in this film). The leader of these guys, unthreateningly named Willy, ties the girls up and says, "Let's play a game. It's called scary noises." Before Willy and his accomplices can make noises, however, the girls are "rescued" by a group of scientists who are also turning into dust because they left the vents to their underground bunker open.
Then some stuff happens that I don't remember until we eventually cut back to Hector, who is now cruising around town in a convertible while dressed as Santa Claus, complete with beard. He hops out of his car and starts putting various pieces of trash into a bag, then runs into the radio station, bag full of garbage in hand, and shouts, "Regina! Sam! Merry Christmas!" Here he meets one of the scientists, who has been waiting for him (it's unclear how she knows who he is) and informs him of the other scientists' evil plan to kill the girls as part of an experiment to find a cure for their own decomposition. So he shows up at the scientists' secret fortress, now dressed as a cowboy and blasting country music from his convertible. At this point I stopped trying to make any sense whatsoever out of this movie. I won't reveal more except to say that there are more Santa Claus references and an ending that is unexpectedly hilarious.
I really can't do it justice with a review, the movie is so surreal and insane that it must be seen with your own eyes. If you can stomach the 80's ambiance, the insanity, along with the surreal red-tinted shots of Los Angeles, is really quite delightful. 6/10
Braddock: Missing in Action III (1988)
Chuck Norris replaces Vietnam with burning crater, rescues some children
Rounding out my Chuck Norris Triple Feature DVD, we have "Braddock: Missing in Action III," undoubtedly the best in the series and probably the only 80s action movie to come anywhere near "Commando" in terms of awesomeness. Here Chuck discovers that his wife and son are still alive under Communist rule in Vietnam, but the CIA is wary of letting him go there, most likely because the last time they asked him to accompany them there, he almost restarted the war. Chuck of course scoffs at this and leaves anyway ("Don't step on any toes, Braddock." "I don't step on toes, Little John--I STEP ON NECKS.") For some reason, upon his return to Saigon, it turns out the Vietnamese military generals still want him dead for his war crimes. The same war crimes that had him imprisoned in a POW camp for 10 years! They just cannot let this go! By the series timeline, this means that the Vietnamese government has been holding a grudge against this one particular guy for almost 20 years (what did he do, exactly? Raze a village?).
Once a Colonel Quoc gets wind of Chuck's presence, he ambushes Chuck, shoots his wife, and attempts to torture him and his son. Chuck escapes. This angers Quoc so much that he decides to kidnap about 40 random children out of spite. He takes the kids to a base and locks them up for God knows what purpose, and one of his soldiers attempts to rape an 8-year-old girl. Fortunately, Chuck ambushes him and implants a bomb in his stomach and his entire body explodes right in front of the girl. Hats off to Chuck for saving her from a traumatizing experience. Then he completely wipes out the base in about fifteen minutes, and packs all the kids into a truck for a quick getaway while being pursued by a helicopter. Here is the movie's only true dip in logic, as the helicopter fires rockets at them and Chuck drives the truck through enormous flames multiple times and the kids inside are somehow not roasted alive. But that detail is a small price to pay for the levels of excitement throughout the movie. It has three times as much action as the previous installments and some convincing scenes of total chaos, as well as Chuck doing somersaults through windows even though there are doors available, all combining for a hearty 10/10. See it.
Return of the Living Dead III (1993)
One of the craziest movies of the 80's. A must-see.
I was reluctant to watch the third part of the series (I have no interest in the second) as I knew the character of Burt would no longer be joining us. The death of Burt in the first ROTLD is one of the most unfortunate things in all cinema and had me depressed for weeks. I had further reservations when the logic of the first one was changed significantly--people in this movie are turned into zombies when bitten by one, which was not part of the original at all (this was also not the case in "Night of the Living Dead," but Romero put it into the sequel. It seems to be a weird detail that was obliquely added to the zombie genre and is now taken for granted). There is also some uncertainty as to why the resurrected character Julie even wants brains. In the first one, the zombies can feel themselves decomposing and only brains can relieve the pain--in this one, she is just inexplicably hungry, and brains... make her full, or something. This leads to a rather hilarious scene in which she's stuffing all sorts of food into her mouth at a gas station and had me wondering if the movie was going to be idiotic, but at that moment the director hits the clutch and the plot veers into full throttle awesomeness. (And in retrospect it's not that big a plot hole; maybe she can't feel herself rotting yet but her body knows it's happening and desires brains.)
We begin following Julie and her boyfriend Curt (weird side note: these are the names of my aunt and uncle!) as they aimlessly run through the streets while pursued by a gang, with Julie becoming more insatiably hungry by the minute. It's top-notch horror. A lot of horror movies have you wondering, "Why don't they just get HELP or something," but here it is clearly impossible for the police or medics to do anything, and you're as stumped about what the characters should do as they are. There's no feeling superior to them, a hard trick to pull off in a horror movie. Eventually, Julie attempts suicide and is rescued by a black man dressed like a Jedi Knight, and here I was no longer sad that Burt wasn't around because this new fellow actually out-awesomes Burt. He takes them to a room in a sewer which he has converted into some sort of temple and announces, "YOU CAN CALL ME... RIVERMAN," whereby I was able to conclude that if I were somehow put in charge of the MPAA rating system, I would rate every movie based on whether or not Riverman was in it (Riverman being played by cult actor Basil Wallace, best known as Screwface from the badass action movie "Marked for Death"). It is while in Riverman's lair that Julie discovers extreme pain can take her mind off brains, leading to the famous scene wherein she mutilates herself beyond recognition (some may see this as another plot hole, since the original ROTLD zombies needed brains to take their minds off pain, but I believe Julie still has enough of a conscience that she prefers the pain to killing). The astute viewer will realize here that all this eating and cutting on Julie's part seems to be referencing some actual real-life issues, although I'm not entirely sure what the point of it is. It might be just a joke, but the tone is dark enough that it makes a sobering addition to an already depressing story.
There's more awesomeness that I don't want to spoil here--I will only say that the freaky zombies from the first movie make an appearance at the end, bringing it all to a chaotic conclusion. Mindy Clarke is AMAZING as Julie--she makes a believable performance out of a role that is far different than the usual teen-horror "scream queen." The doomed bond between her and Curt works as both straight horror and tragedy, and the slick direction and elaborate set pieces make this a fine action flick as well. It's not quite as fun as the first in the series, but it's definitely impressive on its own, and I can honestly rate it as one of the better movies of the 80's. Check it out. 7/10.
Manhunter (1986)
Gorgeous, thoughtful, and still underrated
It is baffling that some consider this film to be inferior to the over-the-top theatrics of "Silence of the Lambs" and "Red Dragon." It's at least the equal of "Silence" (Michael Mann's flashy style is restrained by comparison), and the fact that "Red Dragon" borrowed or outright copied large portions of this movie should be proof enough that Mann hit all the right notes the first time.
I prefer Cox's Hannibal. Hopkins's larger-than-life portrayal was one of a kind, but he was not "real." He could do anything: driving people to suicide by whispering to them or staging the world's most elaborate prison break on a whim. He was a perfect being; Cox is not. Cox plays the insane man as insane. While Hopkins's stare was cold and calculating, Cox's stare is unfocused, like his mind is not all there. He also has a sort of immature cheekiness. He portrays intelligence and cunning while seeming mentally unstable and therefore unpredictable, which makes him more chilling, in my view.
Tom Noonan is a memorable villain just due to his appearance. Ralph Fiennes was too muscular and good-looking to be a self-loathing wreck: Noonan's extremely tall build and awkward movements increase the creepiness of his character by a factor of 10, and his facial expressions convey crippling anxiety more than any dialogue could. It takes real acting talent to make a villain both sympathetic and revolting.
Mann's direction is full of so many cool visual touches, it's impossible to list them all here. I'll limit it to saying the blue lighting when Graham is with his wife is beautiful, and there is great interest in trying to figure out just what it is about the background details (many of them imperceptibly "off") that make the film's mood so constantly unnerving (the cereal aisle in the grocery store, for instance, providing an extreme contrast between Graham's nightmarish inner world and the mundane outer one).
Again, I like the other treatments of the Lecter novels, but because of the realistic depth that goes into the characters and the beautiful photography, this one is for me the most affecting.
Julien Donkey-Boy (1999)
Ugliness is not the same as brilliance
I have to give Korine credit for convincing people that he is some sort of genius with his ridiculous movies. I hold nothing against him--by all indications, he is a smart and creative person, as he has consistently dreamed up (or simply assembled) some of the strangest characters and situations you are likely to ever see. Regardless, this movie is unwatchable because looks awful: fuzzy, gray and horribly framed. In many scenes it looks like the camcorder was strapped to the back of a dog that was allowed to run randomly around the room. The explanation is that we're seeing the world through the eyes of a schizophrenic: what kind of an excuse is that? Is the schizophrenic partially blind? The thing is, every effect Korine is going for--trying to visually capture anxiety and confusion--could be done on regular film or higher-quality digital, but BETTER. It is hilarious to hear him talk in the DVD commentary about how his dirt-cheap digital video recorder is a great new artistic medium that needs to be explored (rather than a lower-quality version of a certain technology). I do think Korine's movies are interesting and could even become respectable if he cooled down on the shock for the sake of shock and hired a cinematographer. But this is just bad film-making.
High point: Werner Herzog is too funny to believe in this movie, the best part by far.
Vamp (1986)
Deserves to be remembered
This is a decent vampire flick that, unlike some of its 80's counterparts (Fright Night, Near Dark, The Lost Boys) has been long forgotten. It features the exceptional concept of a group of ancient, once-powerful vampires now reduced to a bunch of losers who get their victims by operating a strip club in a desolate part of town (and believe they're performing a public service by getting rid of the bottom-rung members of society). Much more could have been done with this idea, but the focus is on the teenage leads as they stumble into the club and can't seem to stumble out. Chris Makepeace and Robert Rusler are okay, not too memorable, but Deedee Pfeiffer stands out for her incredible cuteness. Gedde Watanabe seems annoying at first but turns out to be a funny sidekick--his dying word is hilarious (seriously, watch the movie just for that). Sandy Baron also has a standout role as the pathetic club owner, and Grace Jones is, uh, quite freaky. For some reason the director has gone completely overboard with a neon pink and green color scheme, but it gives the movie a distinctive universe. The only irritating thing, if you like tradition with your vampire movies, is that the vampires turn into distinctly non-vampiric monsters when they attack, but this can be tolerated. 7/10.
Papillon (1973)
Flawed but fantastic
"Papillon" is a tiring but highly entertaining film that I am rating higher than it deserves for a specific reason. It's not perfect; it has many flaws that have already been explained in other comments, one of the main one being that the story is so vast, a standard feature film can hardly do it justice (it would have worked better as a miniseries). However, I can forgive all that and more, because this film contains a scene that left such an impression on me, I am sure it will be in the back of my mind for as long as I live. I am referring of course to the scene where Papillon is sent to solitary confinement for two years. It's only 25 minutes long in real time, but it's one of the most gripping and harrowing sequences I have ever seen. Papillon is enclosed in a tiny box, five paces across, no windows, high ceiling, constantly monitored by guards, and is not allowed to make the slightest noise. Without revealing too much, his resolution to get through the two years without trouble goes wrong early on, and the warden does everything he can to push him into total insanity. The fantastic suspense that follows is unmatched by almost any psychological horror film.
McQueen starred in "An Enemy of the People" a few years later, supposedly to prove that he could act in a straight drama, but he didn't need to. His performance in these 25 minutes is wonderful as he transforms from a quiet, confident man to a mumbling maniac. The elaborate makeup certainly helps, but the desperation in his eyes and voice is all genuine. There is no need to doubt: the man could act.
It's not the only memorable scene; there are many, but it's the most impressive. It's helped by Schaffner's intense direction, injecting more and more tension into each scene until it reaches heart-attack levels in the confinement sequence. The film's dialogue is also quite intelligent and quotable, moreso than in most prison films. The whole thing is a bit of chore to get through, but the scenes of human will beating the odds make it all worth it. 9/10.
Trapped Ashes (2006)
Has its moments
I went to see this solely on the basis that it was an anthology horror film. The best I can say about it is that if you are looking for a movie that will make you writhe in discomfort for a couple hours (which is what I was hoping for), this will probably do the trick. The first two stories have the combined effect of making you never want to have sex again. The fourth attempts (less successfully) to put you off both sex and food. The third is a bit of breather in that it has none of the grisly horror of the others and feels like a decent, thoughtful movie that was mistakenly put in the reel. The central narrative, unfortunately, is pretty dull. All of the stories together, while varying in tone, can be boiled down to one basic message: women should be feared. The movie on the whole is an admirable effort and there are certain images that will stay with you for all time either for their grossness or coolness (the breast surgery and the womb-cam in particular), but it does feel like it could have achieved a lot more.
Better Off Dead... (1985)
Too awesome
Human language cannot describe the experience that is this movie. It starts out like your typical 80's John Hughes teen comedy, but as you're watching it, you realize that all the standard elements of those comedies have been mutated into something hitherto unknown. There is the love interest, but she speaks only French for half the movie. There's the popular jock rival, but instead of being the captain of the football or basketball team, he's the captain of the ski team (!?). There are the school bullies, who in this case are a couple of Asian foreign exchange students in matching tan suits, one of whom speaks no English and the other of whom can only speak English like Howard Cosell. And just when all this is getting too weird to believe, then come the dancing hamburgers. Once the dancing hamburgers enter the screen, you are no longer watching a movie, but have entered some sort of higher plane of consciousness. The hamburgers make sense; you don't even feel the need to question them. Amazingly, the madness does not lull after this, but maintains itself until the very end. The actors seem aware of what sort of dimension they're in and have far too much fun with their roles. This is an under-appreciated mess that similar efforts like "Not Another Teen Movie" have tried to be and failed. 7/10
The Rainbow Man/John 3:16 (1997)
Good character study
This is a very cool documentary tracing the life of an extremely lonely person as he finds fame, then religion and finally crime. The filmmakers have dug up an amazing amount of archive footage, and I like how they have kept it objective by not adding any commentary of their own, but simply presenting the events as they happened. I just wish they had allowed Stewart to talk a little more--most of his narration is just about his childhood, not about the climactic events the movie covers.
The storyline is very grim, as we find out Stewart's early life was nothing but a series of traumatic events--his parents were alcoholics, his mother died in a fire, his sister was strangled, and his first wife left him. It is not hard to see how a person with such a background would try ANYTHING to find a little meaning in life, whether wearing a rainbow wig and dancing like a loon at sporting events or trying to warn people of the Apocalypse. For me the most poignant part comes at the end, where we find out he still believes the end of the world is coming any day now, even though 10 years have passed since his original prediction. It's a sad portrait of someone who is still clinging to his beliefs after everything else in his life went wrong.
On a side note, the parts where Stewart explains his obsession with television reminded me very much of Jim Carrey's character in "The Cable Guy," and I have to wonder if that movie was partly inspired by this story.
Rock-A-Doodle (1991)
Strange, nonsensical, and not very good
Plot of "Rock-a-Doodle": A rooster named Chanticleer crows every morning to make the sun come up, only one day the sun rises without him and he leaves the farm in disgrace (this part is based on an obscure play by Edmund Forster). Only it turns out he really WAS responsible for the sunrise and it begins raining nonstop. This causes an evil owl to move to the farm because he wants to live in permanent darkness. A real-life boy, who lives with his real-life family amongst the cartoon animals, knows Chanticleer can bring the sun back and sets out to find him. Only the owl turns out to have magical powers and transforms the real-life boy into a cartoon cat. The cartoon cat then sets out with the other animals into the big city (which is populated by cartoon animals even though the farm has a human family) to find Chanticleer, who has turned into an Elvis parody and is being seduced by a sexy chicken. Meanwhile, back at the farm, the owl has inexplicably grown to the size of a skyscraper and is planning to eat the other animals. Or something. Also, there are evil frogs.
If you can read through all that and tie those events together to make any sort of vague sense, be my guest. This is the most nonsensical movie in the history of animation. I watched it countless times as a kid and I don't think I ever knew what was going on, and I just realized I still don't. I don't remember ever liking it, either.
However, I was strangely fascinated by the crazy little owl (nephew to the evil magic owl) played by Charles Nelson Reilly, and thought he was the funniest damn thing I had ever seen. I can't explain it, but even now the thought of a tiny owl running around with weapons made out of can-openers and shouting "ANNIHILATION" is hilarious to me. I was so fascinated that I actually did research on Charles Nelson Reilly, so for many years I was the only kid in elementary school with an extensive knowledge of Charles Nelson Reilly trivia and could tell you all his appearances on game shows and stuff. This is the sad effect this movie had on my life, and I deeply regret it.
Besides that, it is sort of notable for Glen Campbell's role as Chanticleer/The King and for containing Phil Harris's last role, but anyone over the age of 8 will probably find it extremely tedious and annoying. It has nothing on the classic Disney cartoons.
Creature from Black Lake (1976)
Very impressive
This was one of the many low-budget Bigfoot movies made in the 70s, all of which were probably attempts to cash in on the success of "The Legend of Boggy Creek," which somehow took in $20 million. Despite being unoriginal, I think this is a MUCH better movie than "Creek" and possibly the best Bigfoot movie ever made, take that as you will.
Whereas "Creek" suffered from having no plot, no main characters, and insane musical numbers, "Lake" has a tense, engaging story with a great cast. The last 15 minutes are unexpectedly suspenseful and had me hooked. It also has some very funny scenes, especially during the second half when we are introduced to Trapper Joe (played by fantastic character actor Jack Elam). Joe is hilarious, although I'm still slightly creeped out by the fact that he had a large doll hanging by a string in his bedroom.
Besides the characters, I also just like the look and feel of this movie, with the brown, dusty backgrounds and eerie forests. The settings are great and create an unforgettable atmosphere. If you're looking for a low-budget thriller that, while not exactly scary, is at least fun and exciting, this one is hard to beat.
Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)
Prolonged torture = LOL
This movie does not work.
Making a movie featuring over-the-top cartoon violence CAN work, but only if you never slip out of cartoon mode. A part drama/part cartoon is not going to work. You can't, for example, make a scene with a little kid having a touching conversation with a lonely homeless woman and immediately follow it up with wacky cartoon antics. When you do that, your movie stops being funny and becomes extremely disturbing.
In the first "Home Alone," Kevin only seemed interested in maiming the villains; in this one he is apparently trying to kill them. Case in point: the scene where he is throwing bricks at Marv's head. Not dropping them, but actually THROWING them at the guy's face. From this point on Kevin turns into some sort of demon child on par with the kid from "Pet Sematary" as he tries burning, electrocuting, and cracking open the skulls of his victims while shouting things like, "Nice night for a neck injury!" (He actually says that). The thought of a theater full of young children laughing at two men being brutally tortured for half an hour really creeps me out.
The only possible reason to watch this is for Tim Curry, one of the world's greatest actors and who steals every scene he's in, but otherwise it's a waste of time.