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Reviews
The Burning (1981)
Above average for its time
It seems as though there is an unlimited supply of these slashers between 1980 and 1981. The Burning is by-the-numbers, straightforward, and casual slasher fan friendly. The only deviation is the use of a "survivor guy" Todd (Matthews), instead of the usual female lead. Cropsy was a caretaker of a summer camp who was tragically burned in a prank gone wrong by a bunch of campers. Five years later he is released from the burn ward and heads back to the summer camp to get his revenge.
Of all the slashers from this time period, this is probably the most blatant rip-off of Friday the 13th, but at least it is well crafted and many of the actors are fairly enjoyable (including a young Jason Alexander, pre-Seinfeld). Heck, it even has good old Tom Savini in the fx chair. The Burning is also fairly bloody for an R-rated version, particularly when compared to other 81' slasher fare. The pacing becomes a bit of an issue, particularly during the first act and the final face off, but the kills are good (mostly done with garden-shears) and Cropsy even takes on a group of 5 campers at once - the biggest multiple kill I've ever seen in a slasher film.
For fans of the slasher genre, you will get all you need from The Burning: bad acting, nudity, blood & gore, and a cool killer with a wide brim hat to hide his hideously burned face. Good stuff.
Hell Night (1981)
Not terrible, but fairly slow and too long
The Exorcist's Linda Blair has her name listed before the title of Hell Night, so immediately we know how much faith the studio had in this one. But Hell Night is not a particularly bad slasher, it's just a rather slow and unfortunately long one. Four freshman pledges are forced to spend one night in an abandoned old mansion, a house where a man killed his wife, deformed children, and himself 12 years ago tonight. The story turns out to be more truth than legend and the pledges find themselves locked in, and running for their lives. Linda Blair shows exactly why she has had such little work since playing Regan: she overacts during tense moments and appears bored and disinterested during all others. There is scene after scene of long, dragged out, dialog-free, wandering (e.g. character walking downstairs, character walking outside, character walking to basement, etc.). These scenes attempt to create suspense and tension, but they really don't, they just add about 30 minutes of padding to this film. Consequently once the rather cool and exciting climax comes, you've just been waiting too long.
Shopgirl (2005)
Clunky and sometimes Ham-fisted, but worth it.
Look past the unnecessary narration and Schwartzman's character who exists only to make this a comedy, and you have two stunningly authentic performances from Claire Danes and Steve Martin. This may be Danes best work, which is only a slight shame because it's not an amazing film. Martin clearly had a large amount of faith in his novel, but again - he did not need to narrate passages that are just as easily communicated through the film. I hear the comparisons to Lost in Translation, and I found this film to be much easier to sit through - it's slow, but it is no where near that slow.
It's not a top notch romance by any means, but it has a touch of authenticity that makes it heartwarming. And even if Dane's character is only one you can connect to, it's enough to carry the film.
Delivery Man (2013)
Poorly written dramedy that rarely gets laughs
I was prepared for a ridiculous and outlandish premise. I was prepared for Vaughn playing the same character he always plays (which he plays quite well). What I was not prepared for, was the movie taking the ridiculous premise so seriously and exploring the flimsy premise of adult- children needing to know the identity of their sperm donor. All these kids act like not knowing who their sperm donor is has left a void in their life that they have never been able to fill. The fact that Vaughn discovers he is the father of all these children and wants to be their guardian angel works just fine. The film falls apart as these adult-children discover they're all related and decide to bring a class-action lawsuit to discover the identity of their biological father. The premise of the lawsuit is stupid, but the motivation of all those involved is just poorly developed and completely unbelievable. Trying to make this movie a heartfelt drama about the meaning of parenthood is poorly handled, and it belies the advertising of the movie as a goofy comedy. There is little to laugh at in this film, particularly after the first 20 minutes or so, when it turns full drama.
My Bloody Valentine (1981)
Nice underrated slasher from Canada.
A typical but well made slasher flick from very early in the sub-genre's life, My Bloody Valentine boasts a competent cast, flashy direction, and an interesting, if somewhat generic, storyline. Twenty years ago, several miners lost their lives due to the negligence of the townsfolk during the Valentine's Day dance. The lone survivor of the tragedy gets revenge on the town through bloody murder, and he warns the town never to celebrate the holiday again. Flash forward to the present day, 2 days before the first Valentine's Day dance in 20 years, and the killings resume. A pickax wielding killer in a gas mask, a nice dramatic love-triangle subplot, and creative and original kills place this one well above average for the slasher genre. Though the gore appears to be all but completely cut out (this is one film that would really benefit from a director's cut release), the film establishes great atmosphere and the use of the mine during the film's climax is a nice touch. My Bloody Valentine makes use of all the slasher clichés (except for nudity) and retreads several ideas from previous entries, but the production value and competent direction is enough to set this film apart.
Die You Zombie Bastards! (2005)
Like a movie you made... but you're not in it.
If anyone ever tells me they have an idea for a movie but can't get it made, I will tell them about Die You Zombie Bastards! - an ambitiously bad indie horror flick packed full of every single bad idea everyone on set could think of. An involved and needlessly complicated script tells a story so completely amateurish and grade school that it simply can't be funny. Lead Tim Gerstmar deliberately overacts which is always a bad idea for a non-actor. I understand they're taking delight in being cheesy and stupid, but it is just too much to handle. Unless you are a huge fan of independent cinema, or actually had a part in making this, I can't imagine liking it. This reminds me of films I made with my friends on a camcorder when we were in high school. I go back and can barely watch those, and I was in them. This is like watching those films, but without the personal connections. While I appreciate this film took 5 years to make, and the editing and soundtrack are respectable, it can't make up for the complete lack of humor, horror, or anything worthwhile. The only thing I could say is that there are plenty of boobies... but most of them aren't very good, well they're good, but it doesn't seem to help matters much. Though I'm not a fan of rating 10s or 1s.... this one really is a waste of your eyesight - don't bother.
Abominable (2006)
A little better than most direct-to-Scy-Fy channel films, but still no masterpiece.
First time director Ryan Schifrin also wrote this direct-to-Scy-Fy monster movie about a paraplegic confined to a cabin in the mountains. He witnesses a monster attacking a young girl in the cabin next door and decides to get involved. Schifrin managed to get Jeffrey Combs, Paul Gleason, and Lance Henriksen to star in this low budget melding of Rear Window with a generic monster movie in the woods. Henriksen and Combs are just plain awesome, though they're not in it long enough, and the leads are not nearly as strong. Truly, as Scy-Fy creature-features go, this one is a bit above the standard dreck, but it's still lacking quite a bit. The monster fx are pretty bad and most of the script is a bit difficult to wade through, but there is some decent gore and a few laughs to be had. From what I've heard, most of the Scy-Fy films are utter garbage, and this one is perhaps a healthy step above that,
Hardware (1990)
A Sci-Fi horror that tries to hard and goes nowhere.
What starts as a bit of a Terminator clone, becomes a big heaping mess of over zealous direction and lackluster effects. It is the post-apocalyptic future, and Mo, a tough-as-nails soldier, brings home a dismembered cyborg for his neo-artist girlfriend on Christmas. While she's sleeping, the cyborg re-assembles itself and tries to take her out. One solid hour of wandering and pointless build-up proceeds any of the kick ass robot action in this film and sadly, the climax is so tedious and drawn-out that it feels almost as frustrating as the first hour. Director / writer Richard Stanley saw fit to try every grating and annoying camera trick in his arsenal to create drama and suspense. It does neither of these things and really makes the film look cheap. The characters are so unlikable that any fate that finds them is really meaningless. Though this film has a solid reputation as a cult-worthy sci-fi horror, it fails to deliver on almost all counts. A few chosen moments of intense gore are the only things that make this one worth watching, and even that may be debatable.