steelerstwin Reviews

Crocodile (2000 Video)

One-word monster titles: AAARRGGHH!!!

[2/10 · 10 February 2012]

For the horror movie novice, here's a handy tip. Films with one-word-animal titles tend not to be Oscar worthy. Not even Golden Globe. This is why horror flicks like "Cod", "Parrot" and "Poodle" were left on the back burner when pitched to studio execs, although I believe Lionsgate is considering a 3-D re-write of "Cod", featuring Charro. "Crocodile" is the quintessential example of this phenomena.

The special effects just aren't so special in this movie, although the over-the-top acting does suffice to entertain now and then. Basically the plot is as follows: ill-clad teenagers get eaten by a giant crocodile, one-by-one. Ah, that's it.

Director Tobe Hooper, when given a budget and a script, is a capable filmmaker, but this time out, he probably gave up before he even started, made sure the check was real, and then got it all over with before it became too painful.

The giant croc is a throwback to vintage 50's drive-in horror films. You know, back in the day when silly special effects were the norm... after all, Ray Harryhausen couldn't do EVERY horror movie now, could he? Sometimes you just gotta make do with scary hand puppets when you've no other alternative. "Croc" is modern-era version of scary hand puppets that are water repellent. Alternately enormously flexible and hard-plastic immobile, our anti-hero is one angry reptilian. Basically she's just looking for her baby (shades of Godzilla here)and is awfully cranky at those who stole her eggs.

Blood spurts from plastic ketchup bottles, there's some brief nudity - if you're lucky - and some crusty bayou-type characters who owe a lot to Lon Chaney Jr.'s iconic performance as Manon in "Alligator People", although the atmosphere and location shooting isn't nearly as ominous as in that camp classic.

That's the real problem here. There's just no heart in it and a bad B-grade horror flick has to have that at least, if nothing else. Fans of these type films need to have something to cheer for and if there's nothing on the screen to rally around at least the subconscious notion that the filmmakers were trying despite all odds is enough to get them by. That's simply not here in Hooper's film.

The no-name cast (except Kip Adotta in a tiny role) is uninspired and seem embarrassed to be in this flick. Hooper should have told 'em to "sell it" and if he did, they weren't getting the message. The best part is seeing Adotta again and comparing how horribly he's aged since his glory years as a stand up on "The Tonight Show". Adotta's always had a sense of humor about these kind of roles and he should be used a lot more in these type of films. He's a heck of a character actor and usually quite hilarious.

We can't even muster up a few more stars for the "it's so bad it's good" factor. Ed Wood at least had heart... "Crocodile" simply doesn't, no matter how many teenagers the beast devours.

Dead & Buried (1981)

A Creepy, Hidden, Little Gem

[16 August 2011]

This little flick is a real treasure. It is creepy, atmospheric and all that a low-budget horror-crime thriller should be. Director Gary Sherman strikes all the right chords and the cinematography is wonderful.

The setting is a small, coastal town called Potter's Bluff, one of those eerie, isolated small towns that bears a terrible secret.

I won't spoil it for you here, but you'll get the idea fairly soon into the picture, but it doesn't spoil the fun. This movie is like a vacation in that the real joy is in getting to your destination.

Everything fits together quite well and we sympathize with the Sheriff, played quite well by veteran actor James Farentino. He is trying to hold himself together while his little town is wracked by one grisly murder after another. Oddly, it seems to upset him a whole lot more than it does anyone else.

The always impressive Jack Albertson steals the show as the coroner and this off-beat casting is a tribute to his talent in his final role.

This movie really does strike a good balance between the gore (and yes, there is a good bit of it for this type of flick) and mystery, from creepy seaside horror to crime thriller. Some might suggest that this movie doesn't know what it wants to be, but I disagree. This movie was made by people who knew how to make a horror film that didn't go over the top, but also did not pull its punches.

What really makes this movie tick is the moody, atmospheric location shots. There is a sad inevitability to this movie that compels you to want to be a part of it all, but that also warns you off because of the mysterious danger that lurks from the beach.

Good Halloween or summer time flick!

The Green Berets (1968)

It's not the message, it's the movie.

[1/10 · 9 July 2011]

A lot of reviewers of this film seem to be more upset by the alleged leftist political views of those who dislike the movie, rather than taking a look at why this motion picture is, sadly, an embarrassing joke.

Prior to the Tet Offensive, there was still a good deal of support for the Vietnam War in the USA. Indeed, it was far more likely that the production of a pro-Vietnam War movie was going to be undertaken at this point than an anti-Vietnam War film. Those anti-war (and far superior) films wouldn't come until the 1970's and 1980's. But movies like "Coming Home", "Apocolypse Now", "Platoon", etc., weren't better because they were often perceived as anti-war, they were just better.

The problems with this production are legion. Sure, there may be pine trees, deserts and a variety of terrain in South Vietnam. So what? This movie looks like a movie filmed on a soundstage that's SUPPOSED to look like South Vietnam and DOES NOT. The war wasn't fought in Georgia. This looks like Georgia.

Secondly, John Wayne, in the latter portion of his career could be quite effective on screen. His performances in "The Shootist" and "True Grit" come to mind immediately... and an under-rated Wayne film, Mark Rydell's "The Cowboys" in 1972, has a marked right-wing bent, and is a terrific movie. Having said that, Wayne is truly at his worst in this picture. He is simply too old, fat and immobile to play his role convincingly. David Janssen, another compelling actor, is totally wasted as a stereotypical liberal journalist. Not one character in this movie rings true.

That's the main problem with this picture. It isn't its sloppy attention to detail (yeah, sorry previous posters, but the sun setting on the wrong side of the planet IS terrible film making, even if it is possible to see it that way in some portions of South Vietnam), it's the jingoistic simplicity of the film's entire approach and cardboard characterizations.

You've got every form of tired, old stereotypical World War II soldier... the brave commander, the tough-as-nails with heart-of-gold field grunt, the subservient natives, the soldier who dies so we've got villainy to hang our anger on... no need to go on.

What the pro-Vietnam contingent deserved was a three-dimensional picture that wasn't geared toward 14-year-olds, but to adults who, even though they were pro-war, might have had compelling reasons to doubt - as all adults do in times of stress an conflict. This movie demanded characters that didn't superficially deal with the intense difficulties that the war brought up at home and abroad. The whole film is marred by these omission - and by an unrealistic story, badly filmed in TV movie of the week fashion. The battle scenes just don't hold up and production seemed rushed. No amount of revisionist reviewing will make this absurdly insulting film any better. It's a truly horrible movie.

John Wayne was a talented actor who deserved better, but time and time again got stuck with turkeys like this.

The Dilemma (2011)

Doesn't know what it is.

[3/10 · 17 June 2011]

From the outset, Ron Howard's attempt at comedy-drama just doesn't fly. In the opening scenes we find best-buddies and auto design business partners Vince Vaughn and Kevin James living it up with their attractive mates in nightclubs and other impressive surroundings. Right away, we don't really have anyone to cheer for. The two main characters just aren't very likable, ditto for their spouses. We're supposed to cheer for Vaughn for wanting to help his best friend by not spilling the beans on his unfaithful spouse. SPILL ALREADY! But of course, he doesn't, and this leads to one convoluted situation after another. It's Vince and Kevin as Lucy and Ethel, but without the laughs.

Is this a comedy? A message drama? A take on modern relationships? Alas, no... it's just a directionless mess from a director that we've come to expect better of. Other than some breathtaking shots of Chicago, we just don't get much out of this film. Perhaps if the main characters had been average joes instead of snooty upper class entrepreneurs, Howard might have pulled it off... at least the dynamic duo would have been more likable.

"The Dilemma" fails on every level. I was actually hoping that Vaugh really would crack and spill the beans, but after a while I didn't care... and I even rooted against their automotive sales pitch project -a semi-serious sub plot that floats above the movie like a specter.

Don't waste your time. The comedy isn't funny and the drama is so over wrought you just don't care about anyone in the movie.

Other than the previously mentioned shots of the magnificent mile and a neat cameo by Ron's multi-talented brother Clint Howard, there just isn't much to recommend this effort.

Cancel My Reservation (1972)

Ugh

[3/10 · 4 February 2011]

Bob Hope's swan song is pretty lame. Yet somehow, I feel this film is a compelling one to watch and I can't quite put my finger on it.

Hope had sharp wit and was somewhat subversive back in the 40's, but once he got rich he became an unbearable conservative - his shows for the troops nothwithstanding. As such, I think I really enjoyed watching him embarrass himself in this horrific bit of celluloid swill.

This has a lot in common with Preminger's "Skidoo" in that it really does try to be hip and modern without having a clue what that means. Director Bogart doesn't want to seem to move the camera anymore than he has to and so the flick has a very TV movie feel to it... not surprising since Bogart did a lot of TV work - most notably, "All In the Family". For a much better look at what he could do, watch "Mr. Ricco" with Dean Martin. Bogart did a good job in this one, released in 1975.

Bogart wastes what could be an interesting story by failing to utilize some really great southwestern scenery. I'm not sure who the cinematographer was, but they should be beaten, waterboarded and shot as soon as they can be located.

The storyline is very contrived and serves only to allow Hope to joke around and toss out some one-liners as a talk show host on vacation with his much-too-young wife played by the totally wasted here Eva Marie Saint. Toss in marital troubles, Native American preaching and a murder mystery and you've got a tremendous mess. This movie has a "make it up as you go" feel.

The only real reason to watch it is to be amazed at how bad it is, and to watch it unfold, like a train wreck in slow motion. It's like watching your rich, arrogant, drunk uncle soil himself on the dance floor at a wedding reception - and you like it because the old bastard is such a jerk.

I need some tummy tones. I'll stop now.

White Christmas (1954)

Just not very good

[3/10 · 11 December 2010]

Michael Curtiz does a good job directing this picture, but the script, music and performances just don't add up to much.

First off, this isn't a holiday movie at all. Other than the ending, there just isn't much holiday atmosphere to be found. Secondly, every five minutes another song or dance routine is thrown into the mix. With SO much music, it's only logical that there's gonna be some "padding" and this flick is loaded with lousy songs... "What Do You Do With A General", "Sisters", "Gee I Wish I Was Back in the Army". Ugh. The only worse piece of work by Irving Berlin was "Mr. President" in 1962 and that was truly horrid.

Then there is the right-wing, militaristic theme we see everywhere in this picture. Sure, you can't avoid it with a plot device like a retired general, but the flag waving would make even Fox News fans want to hurl red, white and blue.

Other things about this picture are disturbing... Vera Ellen's high neck-wear (to hide tell-tale signs of her bulimia) and her emaciated waist and legs, the ridiculous romance between a young and pretty Rosemary Clooney and Bing Crosby who was well into his 50's by this point. Bing's absurd hep-cat language. It's as if we're just supposed to ignore all this stuff because it's a big budget, technicolor songfest by happy, shiny people. Look at Bing's reaction shots and he looks like he's about to fall asleep. And watch him at the end of the film. He looks like a retired clown in that red outfit.

There ARE some bright spots. The title track is one of the best holiday songs ever and Bing acquits himself well. The dance sequence with Danny Kaye and Vera Ellen is done very well and Kaye doesn't get his due in this picture. But these things just can't make up for a movie that wants you to suspend disbelief, but can't pull it off. Once something gets rolling, the next three scenes fall far short. I cringe when I see Bing talking to his old army buddies about how great things were in the war, it's just so fake. No infantry man in the history of the planet ever walked, talked or felt that way about the hell of combat. Then there's Dean Jagger's haggard, old General routine, always falling into military jargon that sounds false and hollow. The way the old troops cozy up to him at the end of the picture is nauseating - not because there's anything wrong with those patriotic feelings, but because the script can't pull it off.

This movie just doesn't gel and you're really pulling for it to do so, but it just never comes. Star power alone isn't enough to make it work because this movie believes in its own falsehoods. It really DOES think its a great, classic musical. It really DOES think its funny and it really DOES believe that WE will believe the convoluted plot devices, laughable romantic scenes and terrible "dance" routines with Crosby-Kaye. Really? We're supposed to believe that a vaudeville team is the hottest act in show biz in the mid 50's? Elvis, Chuck Berry, Martin and Lewis and Little Richard might beg to differ. Look, really LOOK at how un-entertaining the showbiz schtick really is. Bing and Danny don't really entertain much at all.

Why this horrible movie is a classic is beyond me. I guess it's because it's "supposed to be". Not enough for me though. See "Holiday Inn", "Christmas In Connecticut" or the 1951 classic "Scrooge" with Alistar Sim in the title role if you want to see a real classic. "White Christmas" is crap.

Pueblo (1973 TV Movie)

Riveting and harrowing.

[10/10 · 17 October 2009]

This television movie is much like a stage play, videotaped for TV. It is absolutely riveting. I was a child at the time it originally aired and I knew nothing of the Pueblo incident, but I soon learned the entire, harrowing story, thanks in part to this excellent drama.

Hal Holbrook, normally very good in any role he tackles, is superb as Commander Lloyd Bucher. The story involves the illegal capture of the American spy ship U.S.S. Pueblo off the North Korean coast in January of 1968. After the capture the U.S. Navy tried to use Bucher as a scapegoat for surrendering without firing a shot, but his actions resulted in saving the lives of all but one of his crewmen. Holbrook is excellent as the tortured Bucher (both emotionally and physically) who has to struggle to keep him men alive and his dignity intact. Holbrook (just like the real Bucher) manages to do both.

I do not know who directed this stage-play picture, but it was wonderfully done. The grim torture scenes are not too explicit but there's always a gloomy, ominous air of fear in the flashback scenes. It really affected me as a kid and it has always stuck with me.

Holbrook does a great job in the court-room scenes and the viewer gets a tremendous feeling of empathy for him as he battles his injuries, his emotional hatred of the North Koreans and his own superior officers who are looking anywhere but at themselves for the blame.

There's a fine supporting cast including the always-reliable Ronny Cox.

Anyone who appreciates fine drama should see this. This harrowing story is even more poignant because it is true. We should not forget the heroes of the U.S.S. Pueblo... this film allows us the chance to always remember.