crowes-18865 Reviews

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)

A Divisive Sequel Whose Place In The Franchise Has Risen With The Last Two Movies

[6/10 · 17 October 2022]

This movie gets a lot of hate and I was disappointed myself when I left the theater initially. However, it is quickly rising in the ranks as garbage entries are churned out. Halloween Kills and Ends have catapulted this one up to one of the top 5 in the franchise in my mind. Rudd's Tommy was also infinitely more likeable than Hall's. He played it weird and damaged but not an unlikeable jerk and for that reason I'm glad Rudd dodged the Halloween Kills bullet. Even with the whole cult of Thorn plot Michael was still Michael in this one and as strong and menacing as ever. I doubt it will ever get retro credit on the level of Halloween 3 (and it is by no means as good as H3) I do believe it should be reconsidered next to the likes of Kills, Ends & Resurrection.

The Halloween That Almost Wasn't (1979 TV Movie)

An Underrated Halloween Classic

[9/10 · 17 October 2022]

Aside from It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown there weren't a lot of Halloween staples which were required viewing for the arrival of Halloween to be official but this classic was one of those for me. It is largely forgotten and was so cheesy and goofy but also just filled with the god cheer of the time. They haven't made holiday specials like this in a very long time and I really hope this one can experience a comeback and be appreciated more than it was when it aired on network tv and had a short run on Disney. It's a lovely special from the era of highlighting what you were going to watch in the TV Guide over the next week and that era will be missed forever!

Halloween Ends (2022)

As The Swan Song For Michael Myers This Movie Tried Too Hard To Be Anything But

[3/10 · 17 October 2022]

This really should be called "Corey Begins & Ends & Yadda Yadda Something Michael Myers". I hated Kills and should have known better but it's October and I wanted to believe the tradition of watching Halloween during Halloween still lived. There will be those who love this movie, those who trash it without even seeing it, those who say "if you don't like it that's because you don't get it and finally those who did see it, do understand it and still do not like it. This might have been fine somewhere else in the timeline but to take Michael's and Laurie's swan song ang devote so much time into cultivating a new character and trying to deliver a message to all of the viewers that evil is bigger than just one man (we know that without a movie telling us so) was just really misplaced in my mind. Still, I tried to talk my way through it and even justify its stupidity in places..... "ok, well Michael is weak and can't hunt so he needs this kid to bring him victims so he can regain his"..... BOOM - next scene Michael is standing in Laurie's yard staring at her so there goes that weakness theory. "Oh, I get it Michael is letting his mask be taken because he is passing the torch to a new generat"....... WRONG, scene to come later proves he was not ok with the situation and we're back to wondering why he wasn't able to handle this guy when he lifted someone else off of the ground with ease a bit earlier. I don't think any of this really spoils the movie, don't usually put specifics in my reviews but this case merits it in order to critique it. I am not against anyone else loving it though. If this does it for you then good but for me it completely loses the essence of Halloween by (like Kills) trying to deliver some kind of message on the essence of evil and how it is greater than just one man but what I wanted for this was a simple but satisfying ending to a simple slasher executed so well back in 1978! Both Kills and Ends try so hard to explain to us the nature of evil that they lose focus on that simple story which fascinated us all by way of one man who just wouldn't stop coming, couldn't be reasoned with and seemingly had no reason for being the way he was. The flaws in Ends extend beyond just Michael though. The granddaughter becomes completely unlikeable at a certain point in this movie. She sees things for exactly what they are at one point and yet doubles down on the situation she is in anyway. Corey's progression is ridiculously quick to the point where the viewer can no longer believe it. This was so bad I found myself wishing four turtles in a half shell would show up in that sewer and put an end to it all. Halloween 2018 was solid and had a lot of promise but it also had some glaring red flags of possible stupidity to come (evil doctor sub-plot) and Ends and Kills delivered on that in droves!

Werewolf by Night (2022 TV Movie)

Best MCU Offering In Some Time

[8/10 · 13 October 2022]

I haven't been terribly impressed by recent MCU entries but this is the best thing they've done since Multiverse of Madness.(I was disappointed due to my own expectations as well but still liked it). I love the hybrid feel of 80' Halloween special meets old black and white monster movie. It has a little intentional camp and cheese to it which actually works for the genre crossing and it spares us the excessive comedy the MCU is fond of shoving down our throats in every single thing they do lately. This one is stylish and entertaining and paced just right for its just under one hour run time. If for no other reason those who enjoyed the old late 70's early 80's Halloween specials on network tv should check this out as a nice throwback to that era. It is fun without relying on being FUNNY every moment. Please stick with this formula a little more and let a darker side of the MCU thrive as an alternative to the mainstream materials which have become so cookie cutter and joke oriented. Werewolf By Night is a win and proof that you CAN still put out something different.

Hellraiser (2022)

Easily The Best Since Hellbound

[8/10 · 10 October 2022]

This one won't be for everyone. It is a bit of a slower burn than the original film but it is a solid entry in the Hellraiser universe. Clayton's Hell Priestess is very good and stands on its own since she was obviously not trying to imitate Bradley in any way. The makeup/effects for the cenobites are top notch and the performances are all strong. I still slightly prefer the original film because the slightly cheesy, dirty look caused by the effects limitations of the time actually enhanced the creepy atmosphere (much the same case as the 89 Pet Sematary) and this new one feels a little too clean at times. Bradley was the result of a studio having no faith in a female or androgynous villain and still he made Pinhead into an iconic and menacing threat. I think his version wore his humanity closer to the surface than Clayton's. The new version does not seem like one Kirsty would have gotten away with bargaining with so much and that's ok, two different takes and both equally good in their own rights. This is easily the best entry since Hellbound and deserving of a sequel as long as they stop at a trilogy before it gets stale. I applaud Hulu for essentially reinventing the reboot with solid, respectful and reinvigorating entries into The Predator and Hellraiser franchises!!

Lifemark (2022)

Holy Cow - It's Like This One Dropped Straight From Heaven

[10/10 · 21 September 2022]

I didn't even know this movie was coming but here it is and my life will never be the same again. When Kirk takes you for a ride it's an emotional smorgasbord eliciting everything from laughter to tears and a slightly anxious romantic longing and sudden arousal by anything made of angora or cotton. The Kirkster buttercreams the doggone hecht out of this movie and it shows. The pacing is perfect and the texture just the right amount of creamy, like a righteous, judgmental nougat filling with a touch of superiority and disdain. I went trick or treating as. Mike Seaver in.1989 and still have the costume so when I sit down to watch a Cameron movie I do so after using an old Kinney Shoes shoehorn given to me by my uncle Leroy from when he worked there to get the now tight costume on but the pleasure I feel while watching dressed as Mike makes the effort more than worthwhile. I can't tell you how many times I've watched Like Father, Like Son while fighting for my breath through the tight fitting thing but this is Kirk and he wouldn't let the tightness get in his way of happiness so neither will I. Do yourself a favor and get comfortable because if you're like me it's going to be an all-nighter for this one, watched it 7 times back to back without going to the bathroom once. Well maybe just a little inside my Mike Seaver costume but that'll be our little secret!

Prey (I) (2022)

Really Enjoyed This One!!

[9/10 · 10 August 2022]

This is easily the best in the franchise since the original and possibly better than the original because it isn't going for the cheese as much. It is smartly written and has a protagonist you really pull for. I haven't found many movies recently which I enjoyed but this delivers. The premise is kept simple and there is more brain used against brawn and that alone makes it more intriguing. The effects are top notch for a non-theatrical release and the cast is very good. Midthunder gives an excellent performance!

Crackerjack 2 (1997)

Whatever

[10/10 · 13 July 2022]

Whatever. The iconic words spoken by Jack Wild himself in this very movie! Reinhold should have been cast in the first one as well because he crackles with action star goodness here!! Griffith was ok in the first one but something like a glove you thought was working fine until you slip Reinhold onto your hand and realize the fit is much tighter and more lubricated. The romance scenes sizzle with a Brad Hamilton machismo and the action sequences are some of the most intricate, white knuckle scenes ever put to film. The Judge has come to a verdict and the verdict is "six months prison, sentence suspended if you watch this awesome movie". So do yourself a favor and hop on the train, the hostage train to excitement, suspense, romance and the hottest action star to ever grace the screen....... Judge Reinhold???

Whatever..........

Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)

A Solid Horror Which Deserves The Retro Credit It Is Starting To Get

[8/10 · 12 July 2022]

While I am not one of the fanatic fans of Halloween 3 I have always thought of it as a solid horror film. It has that classic Carpenter feel and score and stands on its own with a compelling (thought admittedly slightly corny) story and a great villain. Fans had it in their heads not to like it from the second they learned Michael wasn't in it and so they did not but if you like to sit and watch certain entries in the franchise every year during October this one should not be skipped over! It is better than several of the sequels which do have Michael in them!

Kirk (1995–1997)

Magnificent Creamy Kirkness

[10/10 · 8 July 2022]

Some of the best tv ever put out! This show taught my everything I know today about being a human being and parenting! Kirk has never failed in anything he has ever attempted in this life an I adore the OG Buttercreamer!!

The Homeschool Awakening (2022)

Enlightening, Tantalizing, Exciting & Scrumptious!

[10/10 · 6 July 2022]

I have been waiting for this documentary forever! My love for Kirk goes back to the 80's when family and friends could not understand that when I spoke of Hot Lips I was not talking about Houlihan from MASH but Kirk Cameron with his good looks and his expertise which ranges from Christmas, Easter, Passover, Rosh Hashanah, dirt bikes, pear trees, pickles, clothes pins, Styrofoam coolers, po' boy sandwiches, river pebbles, German culture & history, homeschooling, aardvark anatomy, canine behavior patterns, stone cutting, origami, history of the Kmart Corporation, professional paddle boating, salami production, shiatsu massage, tantric touch and connection, dill cultivation, moral and ethical judgement, Dabney Coleman's filmography, Corey Feldman's medical history, Bobcat Goldthwaite's bm schedule, Planters Snacks sales metrics, the history of all sweaters, khaki pants manufacturers, Bollywood movie extras, professional dodgeball stats, eternal fate of every man, woman, child and animal alive now, etc. I could go on for weeks but the bottom line is this is Kirk giving it to us straight even when it's hard and we need to learn how to take it. It might hurt a little at first but once we let his truth inside of us we will never return to our prior complacency. Let Kirk in people, open up and let him inside!

Santa's Summer House (2013)

The best holiday film since Christmas Vacation

[10/10 · 5 July 2022]

This one is a feel good classic that belongs up there with the magic of watching A Charlie Brown Christmas, Ziggy's Gift or Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas!

Six Pack (1983 TV Movie)

Turned Me Around

[9/10 · 6 June 2022]

In 1982 love turned me around. In 1983 it turned me back around again so I was facing the very same way I had been before any of it! It's your heart that talks you into staying right where you are!

Morbius (2022)

One Time Watch Not As Abysmal As It Is Credited To Be

[5/10 · 3 June 2022]

I wouldn't watch it again and the ending and post credits scene are bad but the movie as a whole was perfectly watchable and the villain was played with such enthusiasm that it's hard to not enjoy watching him on some level. If you watched this just as some action/horror flick on a Sunday afternoon you'd think it was decent. Its worst mistake comes in the form of trying to associate itself with the MCU and people automatically set the bar so high with that. If you're curious give it a watch and I doubt you'll think you wasted that much of your life, doubt you'll watch it again but don't believe the reviews which doomed it to a 17 percent on RT. I'd put it at a 50 percent or so. It's perfectly watchable and quickly forgettable but far from the worst thing out there.

Halloween Kills (2021)

A Huge Fall From 2018

[3/10 · 18 October 2021]

What made the original Halloween great was something very much akin to what made Alien great.... a slow burning, get to know the characters, limited exposure to the monster until the end kind of pace. Though we have already been introduced to Michael and the need to build up to that is not necessarily present any longer the need for suspense still is and this film throws in so many kills that it loses that suspense very early on. This coupled with the fact that characters we know from so many years ago are now unlikeable and afflicted with some of the worse decision making skills you've ever seen and you also end up wanting Michael to win. This one is simply too busy and not only fails to take the baton and run from the very solid 2018 film but also revisits the one failure of that movie in the ridiculous doctor subplot. There are some brutal kills so fans of Michael might rejoice in that a little but the rest of this movie doesn't quite know what it wants to be. Is it a sermon on the dangers of mob mentality, an exposition on mental health awareness, a slasher flick in which people make decisions which practically allow Michael to kill them with no effort whatsoever, a head scratcher which makes us wonder about a scenario where you flee from Michael and after looking back and confirming you have a good lead and he is still just walking you decide that instead of running you'll find a nice hiding spot behind a tree or is this simply a cash grab middle tier setup for the final entry? In closing I'll leave with something I am still completely confused by as to whether it was supposed to be funny or not.....

Big John?

Little John?

Hey Big John Yes Little John Where are you Big John?

Over here Little John You ok Little John?

Yes Big John BIG JOHN, LITTLE JOHN, BIG JOHN, LITTLE JOHN

Ugh - giving this three stars only for some brutal kills but frankly I'd rather watch almost any entry in the franchise except for number 8 (NOT COUNTING ZOMBIE'S TRASH FILMS!) than this one again...

Malignant (I) (2021)

Bonkers Does Not Always Equal Good

[1/10 · 13 September 2021]

Many reviews for this seem to express the idea that it is "bonkers but in the best possible way" It is bonkers but it is bonkers in a stupid way which attempts to put all of its weight on a "shocking twist" which is hardly shocking when it arrives. It is not as clever with its absurdity as it thinks or as people are trying to claim it is and the journey to the twist ending is not enjoyable enough to make up for the lack of surprise. I do understand that some absurdity was intentional but even that isn't heavy enough to be intentionally hilarious. I was waiting for this one and had high hopes given Wan's other works but this one was a disappointment all the way through. After turning it off at the 48 minutes mark once I decided to ride it out and was left with the final opinion that..... I should have stuck with leaving at 48 minutes in!

My Truth: The Rape of Two Coreys (2020)

An Emotional Roller Coaster - Genius Filmmaking

[10/10 · 22 March 2021]

Corey Feldman is the greatest actor of his generation! His resume speaks for itself folks and now he has crossed over into the tricky world of documentary filmmaking and his debut is nothing short of breathtaking. He chose to film in low quality, cell phone camera style to give a gritty look, almost like anyone could have made this in their own living room or parent's basement and that gives it realism beyond any which have come before it. The movie itself is an eye opening, visceral journey, a smorgasbord of feelings and raw emotion which will leave you reeling from the enormity of it all. The part where he talks about why people in real life called him Mouth was touching, disturbing and funny all at once. Feldog is the only dog for me!! I'd love to see a documentary about his humanitarian work with Corey's Angels, maybe call the film "Touched by An Angel Who Was Allowed To Eat Yesterday". Here's to one tenth of what made the two Coreys so Wonderful! You rock Mouth!!

Wonder Woman 1984 (2020)

Judged Against Its Predecessor or On Its Own It Just Isn't Good

[4/10 · 30 December 2020]

There was some negativity toward the final act of the first film but the rest of the movie was strong enough to carry it through despite that CGI heavy final fight. Still, it seems maybe Jenkins and the writers got too hung up and that and over corrected here. What this gives us is a silly movie with a ridiculous story. I understand this is Wonder Woman and there will always be a little silliness to it but where the first movie balanced that out perfectly with more serious tones this one just dives into the goofy end with both feet. I really tried to like it but when you have to try something is already wrong. Goofy, a bit disjointed and doing a disservice to its two main characters in how out of character they behave this one falls way short of the first film. While I am very pleased a specific inclusion in the mid-credits scene the scene itself just felt way too contrived and totally disconnected from the story. All of the performances were fine but that simply cannot overcome the lack of an engaging story this time around. Extremely disappointing.... but that is not to say some will not enjoy it, just not my cup of tea, even as far as a comic book adaptation goes.

The Dark and the Wicked (2020)

This Is How It's Done

[8/10 · 1 December 2020]

This was the best supernatural horror I have seen in some time. It is much better than Hereditary and it doesn't descend into a ludicrous ending like Hereditary did. It builds up a good sense of dread and that dread feeds the actual scary scenes. Just as the couple's tension toward each other did in the Strangers the despair and grief felt by the siblings in this one adds to the horror of what is happening around them. It is simply done and really effective. There isn't a lot in the way of over the top, big budget special effects, just a scary, isolated setting, an unsettling dreadful feeling of approaching horror and the grounded realization of two skeptics that something terrible has come for them with no reason or purpose other than "because it can". This is one of the rare ones where after I watched late at night and had to take the dog out afterward I felt a sense of unease and of being watched when I was out in the dark night. I highly recommend it for fans of good, indie style horror.

The Lego Star Wars Holiday Special (2020 TV Movie)

Shortest Review Ever!

[1/10 · 25 November 2020]

No Bea Arthur + No Harvey Korman = NO HOLIDAY SPECIAL!!!

Am I supposed to just replace these beloved holiday special characters with Rey and Finn! Your mind must have been whip whip stir stir whipped if you think this garbage is worthy of the name Star Wars Holiday Special!

Fireproof (2008)

Fireproof? I Think Not

[10/10 · 25 November 2020]

More like extremely flammable - too hot to handle as in Kirk is as hot as the Summer son!!! Kirk with ash and soot all over his face.... I am McMelting. To his ashen sexiness he adds something of a "better than all of you" attitude which really just sends me over the edge. Who wouldn't want to share an Angora sweater with him and enjoy hot chocolate from an empty couple's mug? Oh the fire would be roaring and the hot chocolate would be flowing - each of us getting a little giddy from too much cocoa., Like Father, Like Son playing on the TV because it is my favorite holiday movie. In a situation like this no one could judge a straight man for going over the Kirk edge. It would be like judging water for going over the waterfall. This movie makes me almost as happy as Bea Arthur's cantina song in The Star Wars Holiday Special. Before I sit down to a Kirk movie I like to do a round of chanting KIRKADOODLEDOO, KIRKADOODLEDOO, KIRKADOODLEDOO, KIRKADOODLEDOO!!! watch this or Dudley Moore will jump out of your closet and unless you have IOL in your room it will already be too late!!!

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

Fails To Hold A Candle To Its Nearly 30 Year Predecessor

[1/10 · 23 November 2020]

I applaud the idea of casting JEH for this but it didn't work at all. The dreams do not feel like dreams. The tone is too dark and dreary with a little too much emphasis on the pedo aspect which the original cleverly steered away from while still letting you know it existed. Throwing more money and special effects at this did nothing to enhance that surreal feel of the original movie. In fact it subtracted from it. I don't mind trying to restore the scary side of Freddy ala the first two films but that isn't my issue with this, everything else is. When Hollywood does one of these remakes of a classic its as if no one involved ever watched the original and is in it only to make a few more bucks off of the same story. It seems that what Hollywood has lost with its massive budgets, state of the art effects and over the top everything is quite simply the ability to tell the story.

Poltergeist (2015)

Imagine The Original But Without The Heart, Emotion & Scares

[1/10 · 23 November 2020]

I like Sam Rockwell so despite my issue with remakes I wanted to give this once a chance but it is an empty shell and not even worth of the name of its predecessor. This one is nothing but a cash grab without any of the heart the Freelings gave to the original story and the well done supernatural scares of the first one which stemmed for our care for the characters have been replaced with flat attempted jump scares and drawn out sequences. Do yourself a favor and re-watch the original first two Poltergeist movies and save this 2 hours of your life from being flushed down the toilet. I'll even go a step further and say go out and buy Poltergeist 3 to own before paying the rental fee on this empty husk. Sorry Sam Rockwell - even you couldn't save this film.

Punch-Drunk Love (2002)

How Do I Put This

[7/10 · 20 November 2020]

Where do I begin with Mr. Adam Sandler? Well... I hate him. Do I hate him because he is completely talentless? No. Frankly, quite the opposite. I hate him because every now and then he decides to remind us that he can act with one random entry floating on its own little island in a sea of crap. This is that one island dwelling gem swimming in that sea full of turds if you'll pardon the crudeness. In this his whole slightly brain damaged thing just really works for the role and the angry outbursts and masterfully performed. This is a quirky, funny and sad film all in one package and it is really quite good. But is there a formula to use to judge which Sandler projects to see? Nope, complete wild card which goes something like crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, Punch Drunk Love, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, Uncut Gems, crap, crap, crap, crap. There is some talent buried deep within this individual but either he cares not for the quality of his work or he needs to fire his agent. But do see this one though because it is proof positive of the reason I hate one Mr. Adam Sandler.

The Perfect Weapon (1991)

Speakman Should Have Had The Success Of Chuck Norris

[8/10 · 18 November 2020]

This is one of my all time favorite martial arts flicks. Is the acting going to win any awards? No. But what makes it great is that Speakman takes hits when he is fighting, a lot of hits and sometimes he goes down and other times he uses incorporates the hit into his attack but he isn't Superman and he does take a beating. This gives the fight scenes a realism missing from so many movies of this kind. Unfortunately in his small catalog of movies Speakman never had another of this level. As much as I want to like LWM (and part of me still loves the movie) I hate Chuck Norris too much to separate his nonsense from his characters. I know this statement will win me no love for this review but Jeff Speakman should have had that long, successful run over crazy old Chuck Norris.