Change Your Image
E. Kelly
Reviews
Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)
Pimple on the butt of society
I don't need to watch this movie to know it sucks. Anything remotely related to Star Wars is incredibly boring and about as much fun as removing your own kidney with a blunt steak knife. It's just a show for little boys (or older boys who haven't grown up yet as is so often the case) who are impressed by light sabres and lasers and other such pathetic imaginary weapons. If I were given a choice between death and a Star Wars marathon, the former would be a shoe-in.
The Nanny (1993)
Fran (thank bloody god it's) Fine-lly over
The Nanny is the story of Fran Fine, an irritating whiney New Yorker who possesses perhaps the most annoying voice in television. Devoid of humour and an entertaining bone in her body, she joins up with a family of slow witted pestilent toads (the Sheffields), along with their equally as unamusing and irksome butler, Niles and some blonde bimbo sharing the name of a corn chip brand (CC).
Before the actual show has even started, I am driven to madness by the infuriating theme song. Sung in a nasally high pitch whine, it is accompanied by pathetic cartoon caricatures of each of the characters and their first meeting. If you've managed to last this long into it you're doing well. Next comes a dull and feeble story line usually involving some trivial little event in the Nanny's boring life that no one really gives a rat's ass about. It'll be something like she ran over a rabbit and feels guilty or they all get stuck at her mother's house on the way to the airport - you know the type, totally uninteresting rubbish that is about as funny as cancer.
The day The Nanny ended should have been a blissful one for me and indeed, for a few short hours I was left happy and content, finally able to get on with my life after enduring many years of hell. Imagine my horror when the stupid channel decided to repeat the whole bloody series again from start to finish the very next day! It's a hard life.
The Bold and the Beautiful (1987)
And I thought Days of Our Lives was bad..
Yet another horrid soap opera, complete with absurd storylines and bad actors. On a recent weekly break, I watched B&B for the duration believing hey it can't be any worse than the other trash being televised. How wrong I was. The particular story for the week was concerned with some chick who had cancer and didn't know it, yet her roommate, boyfriend and about 35 others all knew about it and were debating whether or not to tell her. I don't know about the rest of you but doesn't that seem just a little bit odd? I mean whatever happened to doctor patient privilege? Who is this quack informing the whole town of the dying girl's illness without telling her first? Meanwhile her roommate is busy slipping cancer medicine in her Corn Flakes. And the girl herself, I can't remember her name but god, didn't she feel just a tad ILL? Considering she was due for death in a month or two, you'd think she might be starting to realise something was up. The actors were also extremely poor and had some weird waxy look going that made them look like creepy store mannequins. Scary.
Backyard Blitz (2000)
The National Embarassment
It is beyond my comprehension that people, living breathing human beings, actually watch this pathetic show about a couple of losers who make a pretty garden. Is this the level that we have sunk to? Gardening for entertainment? It's not even gardening, there is certainly no informative edge to it, instead it's just these 4 idiot presenters racing to dig a hole and whack a flower in it. Even worse is the way the newspapers have touted Jamie Durie as some kind of hot superstar. Hot superstar? Try dimwitted fool whose biggest talent is the ability to dig a hole with the aid of a large spade. Oh well done son! Oscar for Jamie! Trashy, boring and probably about the most pathetic television series ever to grace our televisions, second only to "Touched By An Angel."
Survivor (2000)
you can take all these "reality" shows and shove 'em
I don't know about the rest of you but I am sick to death of all these ridiculous shows about a bunch of losers doing stupid things to win prizes. Survivor is not the only one, and I'll even give it some credit - it's not the WORST one ever made but my god how anyone can tune into this boring load of crap weekly without wanting to slit their wrists is beyond me. 12 losers on an island, playing pathetic little head games and spearing fish. Yeah that's quality entertainment alright.
It's just one sorry little member of a growing list of pathetic "reality" based shows; other shock horrors include Backyard Blitz (some crap about planting a flower in your backyard), Treasure Island (Australia's even more pathetic version of Survivor and sadly, our highest rating show) or if you really want to sink to an all-time low, try Streetmate (bimbo walks around the street looking for losers to date other losers who can't get a date). Basically the bottom line is, does anyone REALLY give a crap about any of these people and whether they can spear a fish/plant a flower/get a date? In my case, the answer is a resounding NO. No I do not care and I can only hope that this absurd run of realism hitting our TV screens ends soon before I am forced to do something drastic like blow up the TV or that stupid little island that all the "Survivors" are on (it's not far away).
Charmed (1998)
Great show
I enjoy this show immensely. The writing is clever and witty and the on-screen chemistry between the three female leads is superb, it's hard to believe they're not real sisters. I don't care that it's not totally accurate about the whole wicca/witchcraft thing, I mean who really cares? It never claimed to be a 100% accurate account. I'd say the only annoying thing about this show is that stupid neighbour Dan who irritated me beyond belief, mainly because of his haircut. Hair hanging in his face in some weird cut that looks like he grabbed a pair of gardening shears and snipped it himself. Okay, so I'm a little picky but man I was glad when Piper kicked his sorry butt to the curb and chose Leo. Anyway, good show worth watching unless you're really into witchcraft because you'll probably find it to be a big disappointment.
The X Files (1998)
A must-see for every X-Files fan
The X-Files is probably one of my favourite TV shows and the corresponding movie proved to be well up to standard. In order to understand the content fully, it's wise to have an up-to-date account of the television show and associated conspiracies otherwise you'll probably end up sitting there throughout the whole thing thinking "huh?" If you can grasp the whole concept though, it's an excellent movie full of all the usual shady characters and written in a most entertaining and witty fashion. Both Duchovny and Anderson do a great job of portraying Mulder and Scully respectively up on the big screen. The film is a credit to all involved.
I didn't actually see it at the cinema, but I was lucky enough to get hold of special edition video which included scenes not in the original copy, the most significant being a scene in which many of the queries fellow X-Philes have been pondering for many a year are answered. If you're a fan of the show you should definitely aim for this special edition director's cut. I recommend it to every X-Files fan and anyone interested in that paranoid government cover up brand of movie. Legendary.
Touched by an Angel (1994)
Watch this show and you will feel like killing yourself
Well isn't this just the goody two-shoes show of the decade? Lovely little angels floating down to earth to grant miracles and generally be perfect and wholesome and wonderful. It makes me want to puke. Angels do not exist. They are not real, they are contrived myths created with the sole purpose of making death seem a little nicer. "It doesn't matter if you die, for you will be greeted by a beautiful angel and our saviour, the Almighty Lord Himself." You know the routine. It's about the most sickening show on television, all these perfect people running around helping others blah blah blah boring. My only guess as to why anyone would ever want to create such a horrible little number as Touched By An Angel is indeed someone looking to score a few brownie points with the old Lord himself. Figured hey I'll make this incredibly disgusting show about goody goody angels doing wonderful deeds and hope God has cable. In any case, I only hope this eternal blight on the world of television is taken off the air before long so that we non-martyr's can be freed from it's sickly sweet wrath.
Party of Five (1994)
Looking for a laugh? This is the show for you
I view Party of Five in the same light as shows like Dawson's Creek, Melrose Place, Days of Our Lives - so ridiculous and over the top that it's funny. The Salingers have got to be the biggest whiners in the history of mankind. I am yet to see a single episode where at least 2-3 of them haven't bawled their eyes out over the latest tragedy to befall upon this unfortunate family. It's the kind of show where story lines go something like: character storms in, slams door, says "yeah whatever" then bursts into tears and runs away. Yes, pathetic I know but still in some weird way addictive. It cracks me up every time.
Chicago Hope (1994)
hospital drama gone amiss
Chicago Hope is a typical David E. Kelley production, relishing the extreme and the bizarre in favour of the more traditional themes and occurences found in similar shows such as ER. I started watching around the time Christine Lahti and co. joined the show, and found it to be moderately enjoyable, sweetened by the on-screen chemistry between characters and the light touch of humour ever present in each show. However, of late, Chicago Hope has fallen into the trap of believing "out with the old and with the new" will not be a complete and total disaster.
Entirely replacing the cast except for two characters and bringing back the most annoying one of all, Dr Geiger, was an horrendous mistake. Chicago Hope is a drama, it's not a soap opera - you can't just replace the whole cast and expect things to carry on as normal. The strong scripts may still be there but the whole basis of a good television show is the characters themselves, not the actual script itself. Obviously good writing is necessary but the way in which the actors materialise it is the most important element. Given this, replacing the entire cast with a bunch of people the audience doesn't have a clue about was not a wise move. If you reach a point where the cast doesn't want to be involved any more, then that is the time to call it quits so at least the audience is left with fond memories of the show in its glory days, as opposed to the situation now where it will die a slow death, fading into oblivion with poor ratings and disheartened fans.
Melrose Place (1992)
Trashy but addictive
Melrose Place ain't no Emmy winner but it sure is addictive. It's hard to resist the temptation to tune in daily to follow the absurd relationship dramas of this crew of snotty millionaires. In many instances it's just hilarious, for instance crazy Kimberley committing Peter to a mental institute before administering shock therapy and almost a lobotomy (hahahahaha), or Michael's wedding vows to Jane on their second wedding, "Jane you were my first wife, my favourite wife and I hope to god my last wife." The outrageous antics and schemes to win over lovers combined with the fact that every second character seems to be a murderer or a criminal of some sort, it is a wonder that they are not all in jail!
As rich and successful as they are, is this not the unluckiest group of people on television? (well except for the Days of Our Lives cast who all have brain implants and amnesia). I mean they've all been cheated on, dumped, married 4-5 times, been shot, run over, raped, sued, molested, paralysed, lobotimised, burnt, blinded, drowned, blown up, assaulted, tossed out windows, buried alive, stalked by psycho lovers, involved in war; gone bankrupt; suffered from drug addictions, impotency and alcoholism; had cancer, miscarriages, tumours, brain surgery, abusive parents, car wrecks and helicopter crashes just to name a few of the hardships inflicted upon these poor sods. You couldn't pay me to move into Melrose Place, that apartment block is the kiss of death. Seems to be quite the hangout for psychopathic freaks. The newspaper advertisment must read "Melrose Place Tenant Wanted: Must be unbalanced and of a psychotic nature, prone to fits of violence including murder and arson. Must also exhibit strong desire to destroy the lives of everyone you through infliction of emotional pain and suffering. Dodgy, unstable doctors preferred."
Granted, it's a silly show, but it's also the kind of program that makes you skip class so you can use the pay phone in the school lobby to ring home and remind your mum to tape it at 10 (yes I have done that). Can't help myself, I love it and recommend it to anyone looking for a good laugh and some light hearted entertainment.
Neighbours (1985)
Visual Valium
Neighbours is a bore. In its assertive effort to abstain from branching out into the extreme like other soap operas such as Days of Our Lives and Home & Away, and to create a more "realistic" view of life, producers have failed miserably. Neighbours idea of realism is street called Ramsey with 6 houses and a gaggle of spotty teenagers. Most of the storyline revolves around the "in" couple, currently Felicity and Joel and before them, Billy and Anne. It's the usual stuff, teenage lovers, fall out of sorts, get back together, the end. Not exactly heart stopping material. This type of soapie is mind boggingly dull and if you're looking for a natural tranquiliser without having to pop a few pills, try an episode of this dire soapie. It is visual valium, capable of putting viewers into a deep comatose state and an embarassment to my country. Puts me to shame that it is actually popular.
Saving Private Ryan (1998)
One of the most outstanding movies every made
Saving Private Ryan is perhaps director Steven Spielberg's greatest works. It illustrates clearly the stark reality of war, using graphic images that previously have not been seen in more traditional movies of this genre. Visually, it is stunning yet disturbing at the same time however the shocking images displayed only further re-iterate the brutality of war. The comradery between the soldiers in the film is strong, and probably a pretty accurate account of the importance of brotherhood during times of war. All alone in a foreign country with little more than a backpack and a rifle to call their own, each man is dependent on his peers to carry him through and keep him going through such difficult times.
If you have a weak stomach or prefer the glossed over unrealistic version of life, then Saving Private Ryan is not the movie for you - you should stick to cheerier films like The Sound of Music or romantic comedies. The movie evokes a range of emotions in the viewer, from laughter to sadness and I would strongly recommend it to anyone with an interest in history, particularly war and to those looking for a good, well-shot classic film.
Friends (1994)
Quality viewing
Friends is a model comedy/sitcom. The characters are well defined, each having their own personality and traits unique to them. From Monica's high maintenance to Phoebe's weirdness, the producers of the show have done a good job to ensure Friends never fell into the hashed out old boring theme found in shows such as Mad About You and Suddenly Susan. It reminds me to some extent of a Seinfeld type show, with the show content always being a little obscure in some way. The script is well crafted, the actors portray their character's magnificently and in a way in which most people can relate and while not being slap your thigh and laugh out loud funny, it's entertaining and well worth watching.
Seinfeld (1989)
Brilliant
Seinfeld is a God. I can't get enough of this show. Who would have guessed that a show about nothing could be so outrageously funny? Every other comedy on television is no different to the next; each concentrates on the same themes (relationships), the characters are all half-wits and in most cases, are incredibly dull, and the dialogue is weak and extremely wearisome. Seinfeld however takes the most ridiculous ideas like the girl Jerry dated who had man hands to the Bizarro Jerry and "Independent George" and turns them into a genuinely amusing and entertaining television show. It's a refreshing change.
The key element in the show though, the one feature which distinguishes Seinfeld from the rest of the TV comedy crowd is the characters themselves and their interaction with each other. They're mean, horrible, uncharitable people and that's something you just don't see a lot of. It's not just the main four characters either who stand out, some of the guest characters created along the way have been an absolute riot. The Soup Nazi springs to mind, or Newman and his "hitman" type antics. Seinfeld is a masterpiece through and through. I love Jerry for his impeccable neatness and strict dating rules, Kramer for his ludicrous schemes and ideas, George for his hilarious temper tantrums, and Elaine for her yeah-well-I-really-don't-give-a-crap attitude. It finished on a high note before we all grew tired of it and will always be remembered fondly. Absolute Classic.