Jamie Lee Curtis credited as playing...
Deirdre Beaubeirdre
- Evelyn Wang: What did my silly husband say to you?
- Deirdre Beaubeirdra: He told me about your situation. I remember when my husband served me papers. I drove his Kia Forte through my neighbor's kitchen. But you know what I say? It's cold, unlovable bitches like us that make the world go round.
- Evelyn Wang: That's not true. You're not unlovable.
- Deirdre Beaubeirdra: Mrs. Wang? Mrs. Wang? Hello? Look, I'm sure you have a lot on your mind, but I cannot imagine anything mattering more than the conversation we are now having concerning your tax liability. Need I remind you that there is already a lien on your property? Repossession is well within our rights.
- Evelyn Wang: I know. I am paying attention.
- [Deirdre gestures behind her to some very suggestively-looking trophies behind her with her name on them]
- Deirdre Beaubeirdra: Do you see these? You don't get one of these unless you've seen a lot of bullshit. Excuse my French. Now you may only see a pile of boring forms and numbers, but I see a story. With nothing but a stack of receipts, I can trace the ups and downs of your lives. And it does not look good. It. Does. Not. Look Good.
- Waymond Wang: Sorry, my wife confuses her hobbies for businesses! An honest mistake.
- Deirdre Beaubeirdra: Oh. Okay. Well, with all of these "honest mistakes", I mean, even if we don't charge you with fraud, we'll most certainly have to fine you for gross negligence.
- [in the middle of the tax meeting]
- Deirdre Beaubeirdra: Mrs. Wang? Mrs. Wang, are you with us?
- Evelyn Wang: Yes. Of course. I am here. Just... thinking.
- Deirdre Beaubeirdra: Oh, okay. Well, I was just hoping that you could explain this.
- [Deidre places a receipt on the table. Evelyn looks at it]
- Evelyn Wang: This is a receipt. My receipt.
- Deirdre Beaubeirdra: Look, I... I was just hoping that you could enlighten me as to how, as a laundromat owner, a *karaoke machine* could constitute a business expense.
- Evelyn Wang: [meekly] I am a singer.
- Deirdre Beaubeirdra: [sighs] Of course you are.
- Waymond Wang: It's true. She has a beautiful voice! Oh! Evelyn, sing a song for her.
- Evelyn Wang: Shh!
- Deirdre Beaubeirdra: No, no, please. That will not be necessary. But I will need a separate Schedule C for each of these businesses because based on what you're trying to deduct...
- [Deirdre shuffles through a pile of forms, referencing them at random]
- Deirdre Beaubeirdra: ...you're also a novelist and a chef, a teacher, a singing coach, and a "Watsu" technician. I'm sorry, what... what is "Watsu"?
- Waymond Wang: It's a water massage.
- Deirdre Beaubeirdra: What's a water massage?
- Waymond Wang: Like for back pain. You go get a water massage.
- Deirdre Beaubeirdra: Oh, you go?
- Waymond Wang: Yes.
- Evelyn Wang: You're not unlovable. You're not unlovable!
- Deirdre Beaubeirdra: What are you talking about?
- Evelyn Wang: There is always something to love. Even in a stupid, stupid universe where we have hot dogs for fingers, we'd get very good with our feet.