Adam Sandler: Howard Ratner

Uncut Gems

Howard Ratner

[from trailer, in Gary's office]
Howard Ratner: So I want the Celtics to cover, I want the Celtics halftime, I want Garnett points and rebounds.
Gary: Whaddaya know?
Howard Ratner: I dunno, I just know.
Gary: Well I'll tell you what I know, it's the dumbest fuckin' bet I ever heard of.
Howard Ratner: [smiles with teeth] I disagree.
[leaves]
Howard Ratner: I disagree, Gary.

Howard Ratner: Come on! KG. This is no different than that. This is me. All right? I'm not a fuckin' athlete, this is *my* fuckin' way. This is how *I* win. All right?

Howard Ratner: I know. I know. Jews and colon cancer. What *is* that? I thought we were the chosen people.

Howard Ratner: That's a million-dollar opal you're holding. Straight from the Ethiopian Jewish tribe. I mean this is old-school, Middle-earth shit.

Kevin Garnett: Let me get the fuckin' opal, man. Let me get the fuck up outta here.
Howard Ratner: This opal...
Kevin Garnett: Yeah.
Howard Ratner: This opal's very valuable for you.
Kevin Garnett: Absolutely.
Howard Ratner: OK? I did that.
Kevin Garnett: [mutters] Come on, get the fuck out...
Howard Ratner: I, I respect you. I respect your passion. OK?, I always have.
Kevin Garnett: I thought you was a fan, too, man.
Howard Ratner: I'm a fuckin' HUGE fan!
Kevin Garnett: What did you pay for this? Real shit, what did you pay for this right here?
Howard Ratner: That's not a fair question, Kevin! All right? This uh - We're talkin' months and months of fuckin' - my time!
Kevin Garnett: You're not gon' take the *money* back when I did the deal now, I'm just sayin', straight up. Straight up, me and you, mano a mano. How much you pay for this?
Howard Ratner: Fuckin' ah - What I pay? I paid a uh... That's, this is, that's... I'm tellin' ya, if I answer that question it's very misleading.
Kevin Garnett: Why?
Howard Ratner: It's - I paid a hundred grand, OK?
Kevin Garnett: So - you doubled your money.
Howard Ratner: I'M the joke here, all right? I got fucked! A million dollars is what I was supposed to get! I get a fuckin' what? Made sixty-five G's?

Dinah Ratner: You know what, Howard?
Howard Ratner: [face-to-face] Say yes. What?
Dinah Ratner: I think you are the most annoying person I have ever met. I hate *being* with you, I hate *looking* at you... And if I had my way I would never - see you - again.

Gooey: This is A uh - KG, anh?
Howard Ratner: Aw. Three for eleven? What the fuck?
Gooey: Yeah, he looks tortured.
Howard Ratner: That fuckin' guy tried to steal an opal from me.
Gooey: Your opal? Your opal came?
Howard Ratner: My opal came, yeah.
Gooey: Yeah?
Howard Ratner: Yeah, and stupidly I lend it to this motherfucker.
Noah: No!
Gooey: Whaddya mean? He took it, he stole it?
Howard Ratner: He didn't steal it, he got carried away. He thinks it has magic powers.
Noah: Magic powers?
[Gooey laughs heartily]
Howard Ratner: Yeah.
Gooey: No.
Howard Ratner: Well look. Look at him tonight, without it. He didn't have it tonight, look how fuckin' bad he played. He s- - He wants to own it. So, I tell him come to the auction, fuckin' make a bid for it, like everyone else.

Eddie Ratner: Who's the girl livin' in your apartment?
Howard Ratner: What'd you say?
Eddie Ratner: Yeah! That guy told me there's some hot chick livin' in your apartment. Who is that - Mom?
Howard Ratner: What are you doin' talkin' to that cokehead?
Eddie Ratner: He was talkin'!...
Howard Ratner: I told you to go in there and take a shit! That was it! Get on the elevator! Enough already.
[short pause]
Howard Ratner: Don't... Don't talk about that to anybody.

Kevin Garnett: A million dollars is more is my point, you understand?
Howard Ratner: Well - you wanna win by one point or fuckin' thirty points, KG? Right? I see ya out there when the fuckin' stadium's all booin' ya! You're thirty up, you're still goin' full tilt!

Demany: And what the fuck is it wit' you Jewish niggas and basketball anyway? 'Uh? Shucks.
Howard Ratner: I'll have you know the first two points scored in the NBA was a Jew.
Demany: Yeah, yeah, who what, Fred Flintstein?
Howard Ratner: No. Ossie Schectman, 1946, played for the Knicks.

Howard Ratner: [weeping] Everything I do is not goin' right! Everything I do is not goin' right! I don't know what to do, I really don't.

Howard Ratner: They say you can see the whole universe in opals, that's how fuckin' old they are.

Howard Ratner: That's your fault!
[hits Coach Rivers on the TV screen; speaking loudly:]
Howard Ratner: You see that other guy though, Phil? One'a your boys from Boston? You had some boys in Boston? You'll see what I'm talkin' - hang on! This fucker? Is that one'a your boys, that fat fuck? Looks like you. Looks like one'a your boys.

Howard Ratner: You send me somethin' like that and then you don't pick up your phone? Are you - you fuckin' with me? I'm tryin' to have a nice peaceful dinner - With my family, which is somethin' you wouldn't understand because you don't have one. You wanna play mind games with me? Huh? Well so whatever you meant by your little link, I meant when I said I want you out of my apartment tonight! And I want confirmation! By text, not a link. Via text, Howie I am gone! 10 p.m.! Don't you *fucking* call me!