Mighty Med (TV Series)
Saving the People Who Save People (2013)
Jake Short: Oliver
Photos
Quotes
-
[first lines]
[Kaz and Oliver are in a comic shop]
Oliver : Okay, Kaz, would you rather have Freeze Frame's ability to stop time but you have to talk like a chicken
[imitates chicken]
Oliver : or Tecton's immunity to pain, but you have to wear a diaper?
Kaz : Oh, I'd wear a diaper for two reasons: Number one... and number two.
[both laugh]
Kaz : Oliver, look. There it is, the meteorite of Zandor, the source of Tecton's immeasurable powers. Ah I have to have this. Hidden in the Earth's crust for millions of years, forged from a supernova in the Ballazar galaxy.
Oliver : Says Made in Taiwan.
Kaz : Ah. Well, I still want it, but I'll never be able to afford it.
Oliver : Ah, but we can still pose with it.
Kaz : Eh, commemorative fake photo?
[he positions his hand as if taking a selfie]
Kaz : Oh, you blinked.
Wallace : We'll take that, thank you.
Clyde : Boys, you know the rules in this shop.
Wallace : Yeah. Rule number one, no touching the merchandise.
Clyde : Rule number two, no mistaking us for each other. I'm Clyde.
Wallace : I'm Wallace.
Clyde : It's not that hard.
Wallace : Rule number three, if you have to use the restroom, please don't go in the cauldron of Krepulan.
Kaz : That was one time.
[Clyde and Wallace give him a look]
Kaz : Okay, twice.
[Jordan is playing an arcade game]
Kaz : Oh, hey Jordan.
Jordan : Shh. I'm trailing this majestic unicorn. It's the last one in the entire land. Mmm... boom! Cut off its head! Aw, look, its blood is made of rainbows.
Kaz : Hey, uh, we wanted to talk to you about our robot project for science day tomorrow.
Jordan : Yeah, the three of us are working on it, right?
Oliver : Yep, it'll be just the three of us. You, me, and Kaz... and Gus.
Jordan : What? Gus? No, no, no. Absolutely not.
Oliver : I'm sorry, but he is our friend and we just felt bad for him 'cause no one else wanted him in their group.
Jordan : Yeah, for the same reason that no one wants a dead fish in their bed. They both smell like dead fish! Look, if I don't get an A on this project, my parents won't let me play video games for a year, and if I can't chop off unicorn heads, then who am I?
Oliver : We promise you we'll keep Gus under control. He won't say a word.
Kaz : Really? Where are we gonna get a muzzle?
Jordan : Fine, just keep him away from me.
Kaz : Now we gotta get a leash. This is becoming a nightmare!
Oliver : [sees a cardboard cutout] Kaz, it's Skylar Storm, my favorite comicbook superhero! She has 24 superpowers, including X-ray vision so she can see how big my heart is.
Kaz : [takes the cutout]
[imitating Skylar]
Kaz : Oh, Oliver, come here and kiss me, but be gentle because you know I'm made of cardboard.
Oliver : Kaz! Kaz, stop! You heard Wallace and Clyde. No touching the merchandise!
Kaz : Oh, it's fine. What's gonna happen?
[the cutout falls on a dart blaster, which fires a dart that cuts off part of a flying saucer model which traps Kaz and Oliver together]
-
[Kaz and Oliver have landed in the emergency room after part of a flying saucer model trapped them together]
Oliver : And the award for the most humiliated patients in the emergency room goes to... the boys stuck in a flying saucer.
Kaz : Take that, guy with his hand stuck in the gumball machine.
[a suspicious man in a trench coat and a hat walks by]
Oliver : This is all your fault, Kaz. This is so typical. You always do these crazy things and expect me to just follow you.
[the suspicious man goes through a door]
Kaz : Hold that thought. Follow me.
Oliver : Where are we going?
Kaz : The guy who just walked into the closet? I think that's the Blue Tornado.
Oliver : You mean the superhero who can spin at the speed of sound... and is make-believe?
Kaz : I know it doesn't make any sense, but it looks exactly like him. He had the same crooked nose, the same scar on his cheek. He even had a wispy beard!
Oliver : So does my grandmother!
[Kaz goes inside the closet, tilting the flying saucer to fit, but when he gets in all he sees is a janitor's closet, and the mysterious man is nowhere to be seen]
Kaz : What the... ? I don't get it. I just saw him go in here.
Oliver : Well, maybe one of his powers is turn himself into a roll of one-ply toilet paper. Now, you've done enough damage for today. Can we please just go? Wait.
[he grabs a toilet plunger causing a scrambled image puzzle to appear on the wall]
Oliver : Check it out!
Kaz : I know. My mom has this exact same mop.
Oliver : No. Look!
[he turns around in the flying saucer, forcing Kaz to face the image puzzle]
Oliver : Some sort of puzzle, and I think I know what it is!
[he turns back around and starts rearranging squares]
Kaz : Is it the maze where you have to help the rabbit find his carrot? 'Cause if so, you're on your own. Those things are impossible.
[Oliver solves the puzzle to reveal a silver caduceus with an M on top]
Oliver : Got it! What? It's the symbol of Caduceo, the legendary healer of superheroes!
[the puzzle reveals the word "enter" in green and Kaz turns around]
Kaz : Whoa. It says "enter."
Oliver : I guess the big decision here is whether or not to push the button... You wanna push it, don't you?
Kaz : Oh, I already did.
[a doorway opens with a blue light]
-
[Kaz and Oliver enter the Mighty Med hospital]
Oliver : We've been reading about superheroes our... our whole lives, and it turns out they're real? My whole world has been turned upside down.
Kaz : Not as much as hers.
[points to a woman hanging upside down from something invisible]
Benny : [brings the Crusher in on a gurney] Incoming! Incoming! Make a path, people! I've got a non-responsive hero. Temperature is 4,000 degrees Fahrenheit, and he's oozing weird blue glowing stuff. It tastes like hummus. This dude needs medical attention stat!
Kaz : That's the Crusher, the strongest man in the universe!
Oliver : Yeah, what's wrong with him?
Benny : He's going into cardiac arrest, people! Okay, he and I have the same personal trainer. How is that possible?
Dr. : Clear!
[uses defibrillator on the Crusher]
Dr. : His heart's not responding. I don't understand!
Oliver : He's dying! We have to do something!
Kaz : Hold on. If the Crusher's real, then maybe everything we've read about him is real too.
Oliver : O-okay. In-in the latest issue, the Crusher has just returned from the planet Ebrion.
Kaz : Where the gravity is 40 times that of Earth...
Dr. : He's crashing. Clear!
[defibrillates again]
Oliver : Uh, maybe the extreme gravity pulled his heart from his chest down to his feet!
Kaz : They're shocking the wrong place! Here, give me those!
[takes the defibrillator pads]
Oliver : Wait! Kaz, what are you...
[Kaz defibrillates the Crusher's feet, curing him instantly. All applaud, and the doctor high-fives the Crusher and is knocked across the room]
Kaz : Thank you, nurse. I'll need the Henderson x-rays in my office. Oh, and I'll need an office.
Oliver : Kaz, what are you doing? We're not doctors.
Benny : You're not? Guards!
Kaz : Oh, no, we're not guards either.
[two Mighty Med guards in blue uniforms teleport in]
Oliver : No, but they are!
Kaz : Commemorative terrified fake photo?
-
[the Mighty Med guards bring Kaz and Oliver to a dark room]
Kaz : Take it easy! My mom just ironed this shirt!
Oliver : What do you think they're gonna do to us?
Kaz : [sees an electronic sign over the doors] It says "Now you die"!
Oliver : Do you think they mean you or me?
Kaz : Well, it says "you".
Unknown : [offscreen and distorted] Silence! You have trespassed in my hospital, and for that, the punishment is...
Dr. Horace Diaz : [enters from door] Alan?
Oliver : The punishment is Alan!
Dr. Horace Diaz : [turns on the lights] Stupid sign.
[he jostles it with his hand, and more letters light up on the sign, turning "now you die" into "know your diet facts"]
-
Dr. Horace Diaz : The Crusher is one of our most important heroes and you saved his life. How did you know that his heart wasn't in his chest?
Oliver : Uh, well, I thought that the super-gravity on Ebrion might have pulled his heart down to his feet.
Dr. Horace Diaz : Very clever. You figured that out faster than our best doctors, even Dr. Brainhead, and his entire head is a brain!
Oliver : Yeah, we pretty much eat, drink, and breathe superheroes.
Kaz : Mm-hmm.
Oliver : Literally. This morning I had a bowl of Honey Nut Blue Tornado-O's.
Dr. Horace Diaz : A true fan. Love this guy! We might be able to use someone like you around here.
[muffled grunting]
Kaz : What's that noise?
Dr. Horace Diaz : Oh, right. Alan.
[unfreezes Alan]
Alan Diaz : We can't have normos here! I heard that if you touch them, your butt falls off!
Dr. Horace Diaz : That's not true!
[to Oliver]
Dr. Horace Diaz : That's not true, is it?
Oliver : Um, no.
Dr. Horace Diaz : Good, because, without a butt, what would I shake on the dance floor?
-
Oliver : But i-if you guys act in secret, then why are there superhero comicbooks and graphic novels?
Dr. Horace Diaz : We chronicle our adventures and sell them to the public to finance this hospital, the League of Heroes, and the Bowling League of Heroes. Here are your mm-200 communicators.
[pulls out two tiny devices]
Dr. Horace Diaz : I'll contact you when I need you.
Kaz : Ooh, look at the size of these things.
Dr. Horace Diaz : I know. Sorry they're so bulky. The mm-200 S will be much smaller and have new, funky ringtones.
[he leaves]
Kaz : Yeah, look at all this cool stuff. Ooh, I wonder what this is. Some kind of, like, high tech memory restorer?
[he puts a metal pan on his head]
Oliver : That's a bedpan.
[Kaz drops the pan in disgust]
-
[Horace has just finished saying that Mighty Med could use someone like Oliver]
Oliver : So, you want us to work here?
Dr. Horace Diaz : Not us. You. Your friend there seems a bit... off.
[Kaz presses a button on a wrist-mounted device, turning his hand into a chainsaw. He quickly puts it back]
Kaz : That was... awesome!
Dr. Horace Diaz : I think he just proved my point.
[to Oliver]
Dr. Horace Diaz : You... with me.
[to Kaz]
Dr. Horace Diaz : You... do you happen to know if you take a small or a medium normo cage?
Kaz : Whoa, whoa, whoa. I wanna work here too. I know just as much about superheroes as he does. Right, Oliver? Back me up.
Oliver : Yeah, Kaz is great, and we kinda come as a package deal.
Dr. Horace Diaz : Okay, I'll give you boys a trial run.
Oliver : Yes! We get to work with real superheroes!
Kaz : Yeah, man, I can't wait to tell Gus and Jordan about this place.
Alan Diaz : Are you crazy? You can't tell anyone about Mighty Med. It's a top-secret hospital.
Dr. Horace Diaz : Alan, stop interrupting. Are you crazy? You can't tell anyone about Mighty Med. It's a top-secret hospital.
[to Oliver]
Dr. Horace Diaz : Another thing: If your friend here messes up, I'm holding you responsible.
[he leaves]
Oliver : Hear that? No goofing around. Do not Kaz this up for me.
Kaz : Absolutely. Hmm, I wonder what this button does.
[he pushes a button on the wrist-mounted device]
Kaz : Hmm. Nothing.
[a giant circular saw blade appears in front of Oliver]
Oliver : Not nothing!
[Kaz turns it off]
-
Kaz : [sees Skylar Storm] 'Sup, girl?
Oliver : Wait... You're Skylar Storm!
Kaz : Wow, dude. No way! You were just making out with a cardboard cutout of her.
Oliver : [clenched teeth] No, I wasn't.
[to Skylar]
Oliver : Hi. I'm Oliver. Big fan of your work. You have so many amazing powers.
Skylar Storm : Had so many amazing powers. Yesterday I was ambushed by The Annihilator. He neutralized my powers, took my invisible flying motorcycle. He even stole my costume. He left me standing there in my underwear.
[Oliver daydreams, and Skylar snaps her fingers]
Oliver : I will definitely be buying that comic book when it comes out.
Skylar Storm : Anyway, I came here to Mighty Med to get my powers restored. Unless... Explode!... Nothing.
Kaz : Bummer, huh? Wait. If you did have your powers, would I have just exploded?
Skylar Storm : Into a million pieces.
Kaz : ...Awesome!
-
[Kaz and Oliver are paged to the superhero hospital and must make up an excuse to leave]
Oliver : Uh, hey. Kaz and I have to take off for a bit.
Jordan : What? You can't go. You guys promised to help me on this project!
Oliver : We'll be back soon, okay? Uh, we just have to, um... stop by my grandmother's house.
Kaz : Which is on fire.
Oliver : ...creek Drive. Firecreek Drive, where she lives. Uh, she... she needs us, because of...
Kaz : The fire.
Oliver : ...alarms. The fire alarms. Uh, she needs us to make sure they're working, because of...
Kaz : The fire.
Oliver : [glares at Kaz] Yes. Sure. My grandmother's house is on fire.
Kaz : Okay, gotta go. See ya!
Jordan : Please hurry back. I need you guys. Do not flake on me, Kaz!
-
[last lines of part 1]
[Kaz and Oliver are going to observe a surgery on Tecton, a superhero who has been impaled on a stop sign]
Oliver : You know, my parents always told me I was wasting my life on comicbooks and superheroes, but look at us now.
[Kaz has a latex glove on his head]
Kaz : Check it out. I'm a rooster.
Oliver : Stop Kazzing around. I vouched for you, and this job is really important to me. This could be the best after-school job ever.
Kaz : Dude, I'm sorry, but if you leave a glove around, somebody's gonna put it on their head. It's just science.
[Oliver looks disapproving]
Kaz : Fine. I'll behave.
Oliver : Thank you.
[Kaz takes the glove off his head]
Oliver : Yeah. I hope Tecton's gonna be okay. He's the only one who could stop Megahertz.
Kaz : Oh, I'm sure he's gonna be okay. He survived falling into the Earth's core.
Oliver : Only because the meteorite in his chest gives him healing powers.
Kaz : That's it. He can heal himself. Oh, I'm gonna prove to Horace that I belong here.
[he pulls out the stop sign]
Kaz : Ah.
Oliver : What did you just do?
Kaz : Oh, I just saved my favorite superhero like a boss.
Oliver : We were just supposed to *observe* the surgery!
Kaz : Relax. He always heals. That hole is gonna close right up... Here we go... Any second now...
[the hole does not close up]
Kaz : Uh oh.
Oliver : If anyone sees this, we're finished!
Kaz : Commemorative "I Kazzed this up" fake photo?
-
[first lines of part 2]
[Kaz has impulsively pulled out a stop sign that impaled Tecton, thinking healing powers will save him]
Oliver : Kaz, how could you do this? Now Tecton has a giant hole in his chest!
Kaz : Hey, calm down. Everything's gonna be fine.
[gasp]
Kaz : I have the perfect solution. You wouldn't happen to have a giant cork on you, would you? 'Cause I only have this pretty big one.
Oliver : [takes the pretty big cork] What are we gonna do?
Kaz : I'm gonna figure out why Tecton won't heal. You stay here.
Oliver : A-and do what?
Kaz : Oh, it's simple. All you have to do is keep out the dozens and dozens of doctors, nurses, orderlies, and technicians who could walk in at any second.
Oliver : I-is that it?
Kaz : Hey, look at me. Everything is going to be fine. Have I ever let you down before?
Oliver : Constantly!
Kaz : Name one time.
Oliver : When you pulled out the stop sign!
Kaz : That was 30 seconds ago! Stop living in the past! Do you know why they call it "the present"? Because it's a gift.
[theme song starts]
-
[after an angry supervillain attacks the superhero hospital]
Oliver : Skylar, are you okay?
Skylar Storm : I'm fine.
Oliver : You were awesome back there.
Skylar Storm : So were you.
Oliver : Well, I do throw a mean bedpan. Look, I-I know you don't like people helping you, but I'm gonna do everything I can to help you get your powers back.
Skylar Storm : That would be great, because this whole "being a normo" thing totally stinks. I can't do anything.
[cartwheels away]
Benny : Show-off.
-
[Tecton is dying, causing small earthquakes]
Dr. Horace Diaz : We have to save him! If he dies, no one will be able to stop Megahertz and he'll continue his reign of terror!
Kaz : I-I can't let Tecton die. We have to do something!
Oliver : Oh... something's interfering with his ability to heal, so, quick, think of everything you know about Tecton starting with is very first comicbook!
Kaz : Okay. The Adventures of Tecton, issue one, copyright 1975.
Oliver : Oh my gosh, flip ahead!
Kaz : Okay, uh... uh... he gets his powers from the delta radiation which emanates from the meteorite in his chest!
Oliver : ANd his only weakness is gargulon gas, but... it doesn't exist on Earth in its natural form.
Kaz : Well, gargulon gas is formed when...
Kaz , Oliver : ...delta radiation reacts with gold!
Kaz : Okay, then there must be gold inside of him! Okay. I'm going in.
[Kaz puts his hand in Tecton's wound]
Kaz : Ugh. Icky. Gross. Ah.. Got it.
[pulls out an object covered in blue guts]
Oliver : Gold coin... covered in guts. Must've gotten in there when he stopped Megahertz from robbing that bank!
Dr. Horace Diaz : He's starting to heal. Well done, gentlemen! You were right! You do make a great team!
Alan Diaz : What? B-but they broke the rules!
Dr. Horace Diaz : And then they saved the day, so I'm totally gonna ignore the first part. To celebrate the real heroes of this hospital, nurse, get the limbo stick.
-
[Megahertz has broken into Mighty Med to fight a wounded Tecton]
Oliver : Megahertz is gonna fight Tecton! We've got to do something!
Kaz : What? We don't have any powers.
Skylar Storm : Neither do I, but I can still do this. Hey, Megahertz
[Megahertz looks in her direction]
Skylar Storm : There's a storm coming. Skylar Storm.
Oliver : That's my boo.
[Skylar starts fighting Megahertz and Horace attempts to use a superpower]
Dr. Horace Diaz : I can't freeze him. His electrical field is blocking my powers.
Oliver : Kaz, Skylar can't hold him off for long! We've got to create a diversion! It's time for you to do what you do best.
Kaz : Get on people's nerves?
Oliver : Exactly.
-
Oliver : Skylar, are you okay?
Skylar Storm : I'm fine.
Oliver : You were awesome back there.
Skylar Storm : So were you.
Oliver : Well, I do throw a mean bedpan. Look, I-I know you don't like people helping you but I'm gonna do everything I can to help you get your powers back.
Skylar Storm : That would be great because this whole "being a normo" thing totally stinks. I can't do anything.
-
Kaz : Hey, listen, about before, I'm sorry I almost got us fired and/or cubed. I messed up and you bailed me out like you always do. Thanks.
Oliver : I'm sorry too, and you were right. I wouldn't be here without you, and I wouldn't want to be.
Kaz : Commemorative "bros again" fake photo?
Oliver : Absolutely.
Oliver : All right.
-
Dr. Horace Diaz : So, how do you like your new scrubs?
Kaz : We're not in scrubs.
Dr. Horace Diaz : You were.
[holds up a picture of a bridge]
Oliver : Mmm.. that's a picture of a bridge.
Oliver : Huh. I love bridges!
Dr. Horace Diaz : Say... say "we're not in scrubs" again.
Kaz : We're not in scrubs.
Dr. Horace Diaz : You were.
[holds up a picture of Kaz and Oliver in scrubs]
-
Dr. Horace Diaz : Splendid work today. Splendid! I'll see you boys tomorrow after school.
Alan Diaz : What? But what about the newscast? Everyone knows we have normal here.
Dr. Horace Diaz : I don't care. Let the whole world know they work here.
[to Kaz and Oliver]
Dr. Horace Diaz : Remember, you can't tell anyone you work here.
Alan Diaz : [jumping aggressively] This is not fair! This is not...
Dr. Horace Diaz : [freezes Alan in time] Now, let's go down to accounting and get you paid.
Oliver : Paid? Are you kidding? I would totally work here for nothing.
Kaz : He meant nothing less than a million dollars a week.
[Horace looks disapproving]
Kaz : A thousand dollars a week.
[Horace looks disapproving]
Kaz : A hundred dollars a week.
Dr. Horace Diaz : I was gonna give you two hundred, but a hundred it is.
-
[last lines]
[Kaz and Oliver are in the comic shop]
Kaz : I would like to buy the meteorite of Zandor.
Wallace : Okay, and just how are you able to afford such an incredibly rare artifact?
Clyde : Yes. It's the only one of its kind in the world.
[pulls out another meteorite of Zandor]
Kaz : I got this money from Mighty Med.
Wallace : Mighty Med? What's that?
Oliver : Uh, Mi-Mighty Med. He's the new rapper. Um, w-we're in his entourage.
Kaz : Yeah. Yeah, he, uh, pays us to walk around and tell him how *ugly* he is.
Wallace : Is that a thing?
Clyde : That is not a thing.
Oliver : Anyway, gotta go. See you later.
[to Kaz]
Oliver : What are you doing? You cannot tell anyone about the hospital. You almost blew it!
Kaz : Oh, they didn't catch on. Besides, it's just Wallace and Clyde.
Wallace : All right, see you guys next week.
[Kaz and Oliver leave]
Clyde : [voice slimier] Finally, our way into Mighty Med.
Wallace : [voice slimier] And before long, all the weak superheroes...
Wallace , Clyde : ...will be dead superheroes!
[their eyes glow and insignias appear on their foreheads]
