The Hangover Part III (2013)

Zach Galifianakis: Alan

Photos 

13 more photos

Quotes 

• Alan : Nothing worse than losing your phone.

  Stu : You just saw a man get murdered. Your brother-in-law is kidnapped. You sure there's nothing worse?

• Phil : [Struggling to climb down a rope off the roof of Caesar's Palace]  Agh. I'm okay.

  Alan : Hey, Phil!

  Phil : What's wrong?

  Alan : Hold on a second.

  [Gets out phone to take a picture] 

  Alan : Kick yourself out a little bit.

  Phil : Alan...

  Alan : Stay still!

  Phil : Alan!... Did you get it?

• [from trailer] 

  Alan : My name's Alan and I bought a giraffe! Oh, my life is perfect!

  [causes a car crash] 

• Phil : Hey, what's your password?

  Alan : Hey Phil?

  Phil : Yeah?

  Alan : No, that's it.

  Phil : What?

  Alan : That's my password. Hey Phil.

• Phil : Damn it! I left my phone in the Minivan.

  Alan : Oh Phil, I have that find my phone app.

  Phil : Alan, we have bigger problems than that at the moment.

  Stu : No wait. If Chow has the minivan and your phone is in the minivan that means your phone is with Chow.

  Alan : Stu, you heard Phil. We have bigger problems than that.

• Alan : You don't get it Stu. You. Just. Don't. Get It. I have over 60 apps on that phone. Do you know how much time and manhours it would take to redownload those apps?

• Alan : You know what, guys. You can go ahead without me. There's something I need to do.

  Stu : Do you even know how to get home?

  Alan : Of course I do. I'm a grown man. I'll ask a stranger.

  Phil : Good luck, Alan. We'll see you soon.

• Mr. Chow : Hey Chubster, I'll call you in a week. We'll get together.

  Alan : No, Leslie. We can't be friends anymore.

  Mr. Chow : What?

  Alan : You're not good for me. It's not healthy.

  Mr. Chow : Alan, you're not thinking straight. Lets just talk tomorrow.

  Alan : Leslie, you're one of the coolest and nicest guys I've ever met. And you're smart. And you're funny. And everybody loves you.

  Mr. Chow : Alan, what is this?

  Alan : It's just that when we get together bad things happen and people get hurt.

  Mr. Chow : Yeah, that's the point. It's funny.

  Alan : Well, I got to make some changes in my life, and this is one of them. I'm sorry.

  Alan : Farewell, Leslie Chow.

• Alan : I saw it in a porno-graphy.

• [the Wolf Pack wake up in a honeymoon suite] 

  Stu : [sees he has implants]  I have boobies now!

  Cassie : [laughs]  Oh my God...

  Phil : [laughs]  Holy shit!

  Stu : It's not funny! Alan, what did you do? What did you do, Alan?

  Alan : The wedding cake... it was from Leslie...

  [Chow enters, naked and brandishing a sword] 

  Mr. Chow : [laughs]  We had a sick night, bitches!

  [the monkey jumps back on Stu] 

• Marshall : [about Chow]  He fucked me in the ass!

  Alan : Oh, he does that from time to time.

  Marshall : Not literally.

• Alan : Leslie, get down from there! Please, you're gonna hurt yourself!

  Mr. Chow : Nothing hurts Chow. I am invisible!

  Phil : It's invincible, and you're not, you're just out of your fucking mind!

• Marshall : Doug is my insurance. He stays with me. You don't get me Chow, I blow his brains out. You go to the cops, I blow his brains out.

  Phil : But, that's insane! We don't even know where the fuck he is!

  Marshall : Nobody does, but I figure the Wolf Pack has the best chance of finding him. You have three days. Get to work.

  Alan : Can you take Stu instead?

  Stu : Fuck you, Alan!

• Sid : [on the phone]  Yes, sir. Absolutely, I will. Thank you so much. No, of course. No no and again, I'm so sorry.

  [hangs up the phone and sits down with Alan] 

  Sid : That was the mayor, Alan.

  Alan : It was an accident.

  [pause] 

  Alan : You'd said you'd always love me no matter what I did.

  Sid : I know and I do. You're my best friend, but Alan, why would you buy a giraffe?

  Alan : I always wanted one. I can feed him from my treehouse. Besides, they remind me a lot of myself.

  Sid : In what way?

  Alan : They're majestic, pensive, and tall.

  Sid : Pensive.

  Alan : Yeah!

  Sid : Where'd you learn that word?

  Alan : Words with Friends.

  Sid : What friends, Alan?

  Alan : You can set it on random.

  Sid : [sighs]  Alan, aside from the fact that you shut down a freeway, you murdered a wild animal. It's national news. You don't wanna know the cheques I had to write to fix this.

  Alan : Oh please, we're rich!

  Sid : We are not anything, Alan. I am well-off. You are my 40-year-old son...

  Alan : I'M 42!

  Sid : 40...

  Alan : I'M 42!

  Sid : 42-year-old son who still lives at home. You are to go back on your medication or I'm cutting you off.

  Alan : You're bluffing. When's dinner?

  Sid : Your mother and I can't take this any more!

  Alan : Oh, you might have to.

  Sid : I can't do it! I cannot do this!

  [Alan puts on Dre Beats, listening to "My Life" by Billy Joel, as his father has a heart and his mother and nanny panics] 

  Linda : ALAN! ALAN!

• Tyler : Are you my real dad?

  Alan : [after a long pause]  Yes.

• Alan : She's my soulmate and my new best friend. Plus, she lets me mount her, which relaxes me.

  Phil : Oh my God.

  Doug : Uh, Alan, maybe never say that part again.

  Alan : Chillax, Doug. We're all adults here. I know you mount my sister. I've seen it. Many times.

• Phil : No that's perfect, that's like a three hour drive from here.

  Alan : Yeah Stu, try reading a map.

  Stu : Yeah Alan, try reading... anything... ever.

  Alan : Yeah Stu, try having not such big horse teeth.

• Alan : Did you know your name used to be Carlos? I think it suits you better.

• Stu : You just saw a man get murdered, your brother in law is kidnapped. Are you sure there is nothing worse?

  Alan : You don't get it Stu. You just don't get it do you? I have over 60 apps on that phone! What if I lost my phone? Do you know how much time and man hours it would take to redownload those apps?

  Stu : [Sarcastically]  You are right. I didn't think about that, thank you.

• Alan : Mother! Oreo smoothie, now!

• Sid : [Sid throws down the phone]  That was the Mayor, Alan.

  Alan : It was an accident. You said you love me no matter what I did.

  Sid : I know and I do. You're my best friend but Alan why would you buy a giraffe?

  Alan : I always wanted one! Could feed him from my tree house. Besides they remind me a lot of myself.

  Sid : In what way?

  Alan : They're majestic. Pensive and tall.

  Sid : Pensive?

  Alan : Yeah!

  Sid : Where did you learn that word?

  Alan : Rhymes with friends.

  Sid : What friends Alan?

  Alan : You can say it on random.

  Sid : Alan aside from the fact that you shut down a freeway, you murdered a wild animal. It's national news. You don't want to know the checks I had to write to fix this!

  Alan : Oh please! We're rich!

  Sid : We're not anything Alan! I am well off! You are my 40 year old son...

  Alan : 42!

  Sid : ...42 year old son who still lives at home! You either go back on your medication or I'm cutting you off!

  Alan : You're bluffing. When 's dinner?

  Sid : You're mother and I can't take it anymore!

• Alan : [delivering a eulogy]  I can't believe my daddy is dead. I can think of so many people I would rather have died first, like my mother.

• Phil : I was just talking to Cassie. She's an amazing woman.

  Alan : Oh, thank you for saying that. She is an amazing woman. I find her much better than your wives.

• Alan : Hey, Stu. I don't enjoy talking to you that way. I don't know why you insist on making me blow my top. We've been on a lot of adventures together. But it seems like you haven't learned anythin. Anythin!

• Alan : I almost died Phil!

  Phil : Come on! I was not going to let you go you're my boy!

  Alan : And you're my man!

• Phil : [to Alan while driving the Wolf Pack to Arizona]  You know I meant to tell you earlier. That's a very cool vest you got on.

  Alan : Thanks Phil it was my Dad's. He died in it.

  Stu : Whoa! That's intense!

• [last lines] 

  Alan : I'm ready.

• Alan : [sees Black Doug]  Hey, you're Black Doug! That's Black Doug!

  Black Doug : Shut the fuck up with that. Shut the fuck up.

  Stu : Oh my God. It is. Alan, tell me right now why is Black Doug kidnapping us?

  Black Doug : I said don't call me that shit no more! It ain't Alan's fault.

  Alan : Thank you, Black Doug.

  Black Doug : Ooh! Mother fuck...! I will... Fucker!

  Phil , Alan : Doug! Okay, okay. Just Doug, okay?

  Phil : Why are you doing this?

  Marshall : Because

  [pauses] 

  Marshall : I told him to. I'm Marshall. And whether you know it or not, we all have something in common, and it all started four years ago, when this moron sold the wrong drugs to this dumb fuck. You have no idea the chain of events that were set in motion that night. In the parking lot of a fucking liquor store.